We’re back! And we’ve got some new tricks. Dr. Azov leads Vera and Sveti to Dr. Valko’s place in the mountains of Bulgaria. And despite everyone insisting that Valko is a pariah that doesn’t like visitors, he immediately welcomes them inside his place. Seriously.
“Azov,” he said. “My friend, what are you doing here?”
“Come with me. It’s best to get out of the street. Anyone, or anything, could be watching.”
His place has a gigantic courtyard with tons of trees and vines all over, which is of course part of the garden he’s been growing from Noah’s seeds, which is how he’s been alive so long. Now, if Valko was any kind of decent host, he’d bring them to his study, or living room, or his game room so they could all sit around and play Titanfall while they talk about what’s going on. Instead, because Trussoni wants to go back to taking infodumps on our faces, he takes them to his greenhouse and immediately starts handing them fruits to smell and taste.
Valko smiled, clearly pleased to have captured their attention. “Everything you see in this greenhouse is a plant that has not existed for thousands of years. The flowers blooming on that table, the vegetables growing at the far end of the greenhouse, the fruit you have just smelled—none of these things have blossomed since the time of the Flood. In my original plans, the greenhouse alone was to be vast, with over two thousand varieties of antediluvian seeds.”
So not only have they got a bunch of seeds from Noah’s storage, they’ve apparently enough for “over two thousand varieties.” I remind you, these seeds were sitting in storage jars in a cave for possibly tens of thousands of years. I refuse to believe that’s possible.
And it’s a bit late for me to be asking this question, but… what language are they speaking? Vera’s Russian, Azov’s Hungarian, and Valko in the last book was teaching angelologists in Paris, so presumably he spoke French. What are they speaking now? What have they been speaking the entire book? It’s not a plot hole, I’m just curious if there’s a common language for all the angelologists to use.
Azov, looking at the plants, notices that they look kind of like normal plants if they were mutated. In particular, he stares at an apple tree with apples that had “skin that shone brilliant pink” and a “glowing blue” stem. Valko grabs one of the apple and tells him to eat it. The thing of course tastes disgusting, and the inside of the apple is glowing blue.
Guys, that does not sound remotely safe to eat.
“This may very well have been the fruit that caused the exile of Adam and Eve.
Hell no.
Look, the whole point of the Tree of Knowledge was that you’re not supposed to eat it. If we’re taking Adam and Eve’s story from Genesis as literal (which is difficult given that there’s two creation stories in Genesis, but whatevs), and that Adam and Eve were actually kicked out of a literal Garden of Eden… why the fudge would God let them waltz out with a sample of the seeds from the tree that got them banished in the first place? Why would there be more than one of these trees at all? What would be the point?
In any case, the idea of the fruit of the Tree of Knowledge of Good and Evil being an apple is a fairly recent invention, taken from the similarities of the Latin words for ‘evil’ and ‘apple.’ It could have been anything, but scholars disagree on what it might precisely be. Fruit like the fig and or the grape are pretty popular candidates.
Also, if this fruit is, beyond any logical or theological justification, actually the fruit that caused the Fall of Humanity… why the ever-loving fudge is Valko handing it out to guests like it’s a plate of hors d’oeuvres?! Whether it is the Forbidden Fruit or not, Valko thinks it might be. So with this possibility, he just hands it out to people? Without even telling them what it is? What kind of sicko does that?
Isn’t this a suicidally stupid move? Valko is committing something pretty damn close to the strongest blasphemy you can possibly do, in a world where Heaven and angels are confirmed to be real (implying that God is too). That’s like inviting an archangel to come and smite your ass with a flaming sword.
And hasn’t Azov met Valko before? They’re friends! Valko even calls him “My friend” when Azov shows up. So apparently Valko gets guests he’s never met before and immediately shows them his Forbidden Fruits1, but Azov has never seen any of this before this point in the story? What?
“I developed a solution of fertilizer and plant hormones in which I soaked the seeds until they began to sprout. In the protection of the greenhouse, most of them have thrived. I have kept a record of every blossom on every tree and every fruit that has ripened.”
You know… I’ve usually complained about how unorganized the angelologists are, but truth be told this kind of meticulous care here? I believe. Because he doesn’t know the biology of the plants he’s dealing with, it makes perfect sense for him to be incredibly attentive to every detail. And apparently he’s cut off from the outside world, so I suppose he’s got the time.
Valko admits that he’s been using the plants to make medicines for himself, prolonging his life. He’s only had one incident in which he was poisoned, but apparently there’s no other negative effects to consuming a bunch of fruit and seeds from plants that haven’t existed on the planet Earth for thousands of years.2
The scientist claims that he can “feel and look younger and younger each year.” But I don’t see that as being true. The looking bit, anyhow. He’s described having wrinkles all over his face, long white hair pulled back into a ponytail, and a white beard “curled to his stomach.” I understand that he’s in better shape than he has any right to be at one hundred years old, but that description doesn’t sound like he looks any younger.
And after all that unnecessary exposition, finally Valko wonders what these people are doing in his house.
But enough about me and my fountains of youth. Come inside now and tell me what brings you here.”
This quote was actually at the end of a paragraph where he’s monologuing about medicine. I cut it from this sporking because it’s boring as hell and few enough people comment on my sporkings as it is. But now, after Valko just showed his friend (Azov), his assistant (Sveti), and this lady he maybe barely knows (Vera) the secret of eternal youth and arguably one of the most important and valuable sites on the planet…only now does he decide to ask them what it is they’re doing here.
Would it kill you, Trussoni, for someone in this novel to act like a normal human being? Where are his basic manners? Also where’s his… wife? Girlfriend? I don’t know her status, but earlier in the book it said he lives with someone who is pregnant with his child, so I’d expect we’d meet her in his house. But we don’t because she’s not relevant to the Plot or exposition. Heaven forbid we meet a woman who just exists as her own character in the house she lives in.
Right. With this chapter ends “The Fifth Circle: FURY” and the next chapter begins “The Sixth Circle: HERESY,” which is a word that fits for this book. Not that this book is a heresy in the theological sense (though it is), but I’d argue it’s heretical towards reason, research, and rational thought.
See you guys next time.
1 Not like that; get your mind out of the gutter!
2 …I kind of want someone to do a spitefic where Valko’s garden goes all Jurassic Park on him.
The Smith of Lie on 22 June 2015, 02:41 said:
So… Valko is that reclusive, secretive old man, who yells at the damn kids (and everyone else) to get off his lawn, but the first thing he does when his supposed friends and two strangers show up is take them to his super secret orchard of super valuable plants? And explain how to make youth serum?
LOGIC!
But I am needlessly agitated. We have already established that there is no characterization here, since characters are puppets to further the plot and have no need for such things as their own agency, consistant behaviours or anything resembling humanity at all. So it’s ok!
Ok, maybe I am misrembering, but wasn’t he implied to live away from civilization before? In some forsaken wilderness? Oh well, since Juracan does not complain about it lets chalk it up to me misunderstanding the previous spork. Wouldn’t be the first time.
Is that a challenge? :>
Akkakieron on 22 June 2015, 06:49 said:
I assume the plants are slowly driving Valko insane. He doesn’t know the biology of the plants so he doesn’t know if there are adverse effects to eating them, and he’s not a Witcher with a resistance to toxins. Valko says he’s fine and healthy now, but wait til he thinks his eyeballs have been replaced with tentacles.
Juracan on 22 June 2015, 08:34 said:
It’s in a town (Smolyan specifically), though I didn’t mention it because I didn’t really care so much. I think it’s described as towards the end of town, but he is in the town, as he has houses around him. Not much of a hermit then.
Hey, if you take it as such, knock yourself out.
Yes, but that’d be too interesting for Trussoni. She wouldn’t dare make things like that because it’d be too cool and strange. I’d read that book though.
swenson on 22 June 2015, 09:04 said:
I REFUSE!
Seriously, though, again, nothing is logically consistent here. I’m also deeply curious why, if this guy is an angelologist (I cannot spell that word, I swear) and already has discovered how to dramatically increase lifespans… why aren’t the angelologists already taking advantage of this? From what it sounds like, this guy has one of the most valuable resources out there, some astonishing advances in agriculture. But… nobody really seems to value it all that much. Even he seems rather flippant about the whole thing. “These plants are amazing! They could totally transform our lives, let alone the fight we’ve dedicated our lives to! But I’m just going to sit on them here in my not-so-hermitage and not tell anyone that I’ve changed the world, except for random strangers who show up on my doorstep. Also lol let’s recreate that time that humanity was cursed, just for fun.”
If he was super-secretive about them, that’d make sense. This is incredibly valuable, after all, you don’t want these plants falling into the wrong hands. Or if he was incredibly open about them and preaching their wonders from every corner, that kinda also makes sense. The effects are incredible, after all, surely you’d want to share it with people.
But instead he’s this weird hybrid where he apparently doesn’t tell anyone about the plants… unless they randomly show up on his doorstep, at which point he’s more than willing to show them everything. But why? It doesn’t make sense.
Lurker on 22 June 2015, 14:12 said:
I wonder if “looks like an apple” meant that it looked like something that you’d buy from the grocery store, but shiny, which wouldn’t make sense because pretty much all the apple varieties we normally encounter are pretty recent. A tree grown from seeds thousands of years old probably wouldn’t resemble a modern-day cultivated plant all that much. Also, he really has been testing all these plants on himself? You’d think he at least feed them to some labrats first or something. Maybe one of the plants has a psychoactive component, and that’s why he’s acting so weird, because he’s constantly high.
The Smith of Lie on 23 June 2015, 05:10 said:
They knocked at the door, but no one answered. “Well this is strange.” said Azov “Valko supposedly never leaves his house. He is way too paranoid about anyone getting to his antedeluvian plants to ever leave them unguarded.”
For the brief second Angelologists considered that Valko just did not hear them or he was asleep. Or maybe he was not as secluded as thought and just went out to buy a pack of smokes or something. But that would be preposterous, so in an unison they decided that he must have been attacked by Nephilim and the use of lethal force was the only reasonable course of action.
Back in 1978 specialists from Spetsnaz came up with a way to utilize body’s mass and momentum in single movement in a way that delivered force straight to a single point. It was based on the Systema, the martial art created specifically for special forces. It turned out that the windup for the move was too long to use it in actual combat, but properly used it was a perfect tool for breaking down doors. Due to a certain lieutenant’s talkativeness when intoxicated the technique leaked back in the 80ies, when Azov picked it up. Finally he had his chance to use it. Quite incidentally the source of the leak was the same person who for some unfathomable reason bought downed Huey from Cambodians.
Under the excessive force of Azov’s strike the door splintered. Quick glance showed they were made from particle board. “Shoddy craftsmanship.” Azov commented as they entered. The air inside was stagnant and heavy. As they moved through the halls the source became obvious. Whole place overrun by vegetation. Strange vines, bizarre flowers and fruits that have not existed for millennia. “Seems like his experiment went a little out of control.”
It wasn’t long before they found Valko and his wife. Or rather what remained of them. Dry, gray husks laid on the armchairs, barely recognizable as human anymore. Their faces frozen in the look of agony, empty eye sockets looking up towards the ceiling, as if in the last moments of their lives they searched for the help in heavens, mouths agape in silent screams. Their clothes barely visible under moss and lichen and vine that grew over the bodies.
Azov turned hearing Vera vomit on the floor. “We have nothing to do here, I’ll send the investigation team with hazmat equipment later.” In the rare moment of competence all three hurried to the exit, but before they were able to leave the room one of large flowers in the room exploded with a cloud of spores. Air became filled with plant particles, making it impossible to breathe. And then Valko and his wife moved. Animated by some strange plant matter they crept towards coughing and heaving angelologists. It was matter of seconds before Azov, Sveti and Vera lost conscoiusness.
When they came to they were in what seemed to be an overgrown glasshouse. They were constricted by vines, unable to move, only to observe a giant plant in the center of the room. It has broken through the roof of the glasshouse and it seemed obvious it was still growing. Its vines moved, as if they were alive. Three of them had peculiar looking flowers at their end, large with meaty, long petals. Their purpose became obvious as one of flowers moved and wrapped itself around Azov’s face. Soon some strange, choking substance started pumping through the vine and filling the inside of closed flower.
Other two flowers leapt towards Vera and Sveti. Women struggled to free themselves, but they were unable to either free themselves or defend against the encroaching flowers. The last thing Vera saw before her face was nameplate under the plant. It read “Species 37 – Thorian”.
Juracan on 23 June 2015, 08:21 said:
EVERYBODY check out Smith’s spitefic because it is awesome and I love it.
They’re not quite strangers per se, as he knows Azov, presumably he’s met Sveti, and Vera has mentioned that she’s met him in passing, but they’re not well-acquainted, no. And it isn’t as if the angelologists haven’t had traitors in their organization before. So for Valko to just show off all this stuff immediately without asking what they want is a bit… off.
And you haven’t even seen the ending of the book yet….
Not something I actually considered, but I bet you’re right. If I had to guess, I’d say it’s just so Trussoni didn’t have to describe the fruit too much in detail. Instead of a deep description, she can just say, “It looked like an apple, but pink!” and we know what she’s talking about. Which feels kind of lazy…
If Valko is constantly high, it would explain so much— why he’s so open to showing his garden off, why he doesn’t cut his hair or trim his beard so he looks like a wizard, why he hands out what might be the fruit of the Fall of Man…. yeah, I’m going with that headcanon. It makes so much more sense.