Introduction

Gather round everyone! In our last look at the works of Mommy Cast and Baby Cast, we watched as ugliness was defined as an acceptable reason to die, vampires were suddenly Straw Wiccans and the setting couldn’t possibly work. In their next offering of literature, we will see more sexism, more self-righteous preaching, and Zoey Redbird will boldly go where few Sues have gone before while Mommy Cast and Baby Cast launch a war over the character of Aphrodite.

Now, I have an odd relationship with the House of Night series. I hate it, but not in the way that I have hated other novels. Instead of the utter loathing that I’ve felt for Hush Hush or the anger towards Halo, I hate the House of Night series with an almost amused hatred that stems from the fact that my suspension of disbelieve crashed somewhere in the first book, and it just keeps spiraling down into more and more stupid. It’s so obnoxious, so wrong and so offensive that it could almost reach Springtime for Hitler levels. At least to me.

Now, I have a theory about this book. It is in reality, a fanfiction of a better book from an alternate universe. In this book, Erik and Aphrodite are the main characters, who after being accepted into the House of Night start uncovering the dark secrets that it hides, and realizing that the humans dislike of vampires is very justified. Zoey is just a Sue self-insert who does what most Sue self-inserts do and manages to miss the entire point of the real novel.

If someone were to find me the link of this real novel, I’d be grateful. It might be a good read.

Cover Impressions

This thing still looks like porn. Other than that, it’s not really very interesting or eye catching. Just the back of some girl with long dark hair. I suppose it’s supposed to be sexy and mysterious, but really, it just looks dumb. It’s so clearly trying to be sexy, but it not doing a very good job of it. There’s really nothing more to say about it. It’s ugly, it’s lazy and it looks like porn.

Ironically, this series is one of the few that could actually have good covers if someone put any effort into them. Stuff does happen in them, and it’s potentially interesting, if only it wasn’t so bogged down with Zoey’s irritating POV, random rants about the evils of pot, and obnoxious preaching of their ideas along with demonizing anyone else.

Moving on.

Plot

From Amazon:

Fledgling vampyre Zoey Redbird has managed to settle in at the House of Night. She’s come to terms with the vast powers the vampyre goddess, Nyx, has given her, and is getting a handle on being the new Leader of the Dark Daughters. Best of all, Zoey finally feels like she belongs—like she really fits in. She actually has a boyfriend…or two. Then the unthinkable happens: Human teenagers are being killed, and all the evidence points to the House of Night. While danger stalks the humans from Zoey’s old life, she begins to realize that the very powers that make her so unique might also threaten those she loves. Then, when she needs her new friends the most, death strikes the House of Night, and Zoey must find the courage to face a betrayal that could break her heart, her soul, and jeopardize the very fabric of her world.

My Version:

We begin a little after the events of the first book. Zoey is preparing to meet her family for the first time since she ran off to frolic with the vampires, and is whining about it. She claims that the whole point of the thing is for the parents who don’t love their kids anymore because they’re vampires to refuse (or something), and briefly mentions that Token Gay Damien’s parents are fine with him being a vampire but refuse to accept he’s gay.

Because all gay people’s families are stupid, and no family was ever known to not be either in denial or evil.

Since it’s time to bash families, we see Zoey’s mom and dad again, but not her sister and brother, who don’t seem to have names. Stepdad throws a fit when he sees Zoey’s Special Snowflake mark and thinks she did it to herself. Neferet turns up and shows up Stepdaddy, making such ‘respectful’ comments as how his religion ‘Vilifies pleasure’ and:

relegates women to roles that are little more than servants and broodmares, though they are the backbone of your church.

Of course, this completely ignores the fact that her religion does the exact same thing to men.

Now, before someone else who’s read the books brings up the Nice Nuns that turn up later, don’t. They don’t exist at this point in the series, and at this point, the only religion other than oh so enlightened New Age Mother Goddess worshipers are straw fundies (or maybe Mormons). At this point in the series, the Cast Ladies are essentially saying that anyone who disagrees with them are evil, and if you’re Islamic, Hindu, Atheist, Agnostic, Buddhist or anything else, you don’t exist or suffer instant conversion.

Stepdaddy blusters for a bit before toddling off out of the book with Mommy behind him, after making a redundant statement about Zoey being out of his hands, and Neferet interrupts him in mid-sentence.

In case you’ve never debated with a real fundie of the Jack Chick kind who has decided that your soul needs saving, and he’s the one to do it: this doesn’t work. They just talk louder and more forcefully since now they know that your soul needs saving since you’re debating.

So, then we have a brief mention that Neferet was sexually abused by her father (because all men are evil) and how she now considers him like all other human men to be inconsequential.

And naturally, Zoey’s too stupid to notice the neon sign reading “I’M EVIL!” flashing over her head.

She wanders off, has a conversation with her boyfriend, and notices Aphrodite and her family, and Mommy Cast takes the wheel. I can tell since the conversation suddenly is more subtle though not much. Aphrodite’s family are snobby monsters where the mom literally slaps her around a touch, and tells her how useless she is. Aphrodite is honestly very sympathetic.

When she mentioned this to her friends, they saw that because Aphrodite was mean to them, she is evil and thus totally deserves it, and it’s her fault for not growing a backbone. Here that: if your parents are abusive, it really is your fault.

But Zoey is totally sympathetic with her family, who are merely irritating. Actual abuse pales in comparison to annoying the great Zoey. We’re now at chapter three, my feelings for Zoey are actually managing to go lower than they were in the first book. I actually want to start calling her Zit as she is a zit on the face of the written word.

The next day, they’re in vampire sociology, Zoey is telling us how good looking Neferet is, and somehow by her constant denials about how she’s really straight and doesn’t see her that way makes me wonder. She also whines that Eric (the trophy boyfriend from the last time) had to go do acting stuff away from school, so now she’s alone. How convenient. Since –she’s a Sue- she’s so special and smart Zoey mentions that while she’s supposed to be the head of the Dark Daughter (who are supposed to be kind of important, remember) she hasn’t done a thing even though the meeting is coming up. So, she goes off to the library to copy other people’s clever ideas.

Which she thinks she’s clever for doing.

Personally, I don’t see the problem with just taking out the marijuana incense and calling it a day, since the overall structure didn’t have too much problems, but moving on.

The real reason for this trip turns up in the form of Loren Blake. A teacher. He shows up and starts blatantly coming on to Zoey.

And he’s her teacher.

And all the time Zoey’s thoughts are: ZZZZOOOOOOMMMMMMIIIIIIGGGGEEEEEEE HE’S SO HAWT!!!!!1ONE

And he’s her teacher.

Then Aphrodite shows up out of nowhere and sees her, and Zoey gets upset because Aphrodite might tell Erik.

And I’m supposed to be…unhappy…about this?.

Casts, it isn’t hot to watch a man who has the ability to fail Zoey, and thus has control over the girl, make a pass at her. Zoey isn’t legal, and no matter how hot said teacher may be, he is still technically speaking a pedophile. You know, like the husbands of the women in the prayer tree that you were whining about in the last book? Yeah. Replace your hot teacher with that in your mind.

fumes

So, later, Zoey talks to her friends, who are all thrilled at this shocking new development, and don’t seem to think that the fact that he’s her teacher and he’s suddenly out of nowhere attracted to her when before he didn’t seem to notice Zoey any more than the other vampires in his class is a little creepy.

Sometimes, I feel like I’m the only sane person in a horde of raging hormonal fangirls.

Then, magically, Zoey is transported to Neferet’s office (or at least outside of it) where she suddenly hears Aphrodite breaking down and saying out she really did see something. Assuming, as usual, that everything is about her, Zoey leans in to listen and gets an earful. Apparently, Aphrodite is having visions but Neferet keeps telling her that they’re completely false and that Nix took away her gift, but she’s giving her fake visions because Nix hates her.

And she actually says something along the lines of ‘Look inside yourself and know it to be true.’

I admit it, I snorted a few times during this scene, when I wasn’t really feeling sorry for poor Aphrodite. The poor girl’s clearly distraught. All her friends are ignoring her, her position was stolen by a complete idiot, her family hates her, and now she’s being told that her power is fake. Seriously, this girl is going through so much trauma.

But, since in Zoey’s mind, It’s All About Her, she’s certain that Aphrodite is telling her that she saw Zoey and Loren and runs off.

I hate you, Zoey Redbird.

The next day, Zoey doesn’t really worry about what she just overheard, because that would mean realizing that Neferet was obviously evil too soon. Instead, she takes a walk and thinks about the events of the last book, such as when she happened to see the ghost of Elliot looking for something and attack her. While this doesn’t seem as pressing as other things, at least it’s something that seems natural to worry about. But then Zoey talks.

Maybe it hadn’t been Elliot (or his ghost or whatever). I didn’t know every single one of the fledglings here. There could be another kid here who had ugly, bushy red hair and pudgy, too white skin.

Remember children, if you’re not attractive, you deserve no pity, no kindness and no respect, even if you died painfully coughing up blood and begging the teachers to tell your family what happened to you.

Also, Zoey, he had glowing eyes. Think a little bit. It’s not hard. I promise.

Then she speculates that the only reason that she is still unhappy about the fact that two kids just dropped dead on her was because she’s still an icky human and when she’s a vampire she’ll see things right.

I am not making that up.

Proof:

It still seemed wrong to me, but maybe that was because I was only a month into the Change and still more used to being human than vamp, or even fledgling.

I have nothing to say to this that this doesn’t say for itself.

Loren turns up, they flirt some more, he recites some bad haiku at her that supposed to be romantic since it’s about the speaker’s naked lover, but it really just makes me feel ill. Then he wants her to strip off her jacket so he can see her Super Special Awesome tattoo. Which is lovingly detailed, and extremely sensual and ends in them nearly kissing. Which is supposed to romantic.

Yes, I feel dirty writing this, why do you ask?

Finally, the icky scene is done, and Zoey goes off and whines about men giving mixed signals without a thought in her pretty little head about the fact that she’s technically in a relationship, and vampires don’t seem to go for polygamy. Though the rate that this series is going…

Then the plot comes in. Or rather the plot goes by on a unicorn, waves to me and trots off to find better books where it can feel appreciated.

So, someone who Zoey once mentioned to Neferet who was a football dude is missing, but since he was a nasty male who smoked pot no one really cares. Though the ‘Twins’ (those two personality free characters who exist for no real reason at all) mention that he’s cute. Though they soupbox about the evils of pot for no real reason at all.

You know, I don’t really like the idea of legalized pot, but I swear this book would be better if I was stoned off my rocker.

Zoey has a significant feeling that the guy is no longer among the living, and at lunch/breakfast Aphrodite shows up, calls Zoey out for eavesdropping and basically hints that she’s got a pretty good idea about what’s going on. All of Zoey’s friends show up and harp on the poor girl for being evil. After all, Aphrodite wanted to have sex with Erik while they were dating and didn’t like Zoey.

She’s heinous.

Feminism, people.

Since Mommy Cast and Baby Cast can’t keep a coherent plot going, we later have to have Zoey and Stevie Rae talk about the ghosts, which doesn’t really go anywhere and then about Loren again. And somehow the fact that this is a sleazy overage guy flirting with a student never seems to dawn on the two twits. …I wonder…maybe the reason that Zoey’s friends seem ok with this is that no one actually likes her and they all want her to go out with him just so that she can get hers.

I doubt that anything so interesting or potentially able to make me feel anything for Zoey other than the flames of loathing would happen.

Then Stevie Rae brings up something slightly inconvenient to Zoey’s little ideal love life: her boyfriend. Erik.

“What do you mean, what about Erik?”

Yes. You just read that right. What about Erik? she asks. After all, he’s just a guy. It’s not as if he’s relevant or has feelings or anything. He’s just an object that exists to make Zoey feel more special. Imagine that this is two guys talking about how one of them is getting hit on by some chick, and then his friend is like what about your girlfriend, and he’s like what about her? That is how awful this girl is.

Zoey Redbird, you have proven to me that vampires are indeed soulless abominations that need to be staked on sight.

May you be shipped with Patch from Hush Hush for all of your literary existence. You deserve him.

So Zoey decides that she’s just going to two time, and that’s totally sympathetic, and they go off to learn that, surprise surprise, another guy from the football team is missing. Oh dear. And Aphrodite shows up, begging Zoey to listen to her vision. Zoey, being the sweet little thing she is, basically tells her to shove off, until Aphrodite forces the plot to come back and says that Granny Cliché Cherokee is going to get it if Zoey doesn’t listen. Naturally, Zoey is suddenly VERY interested, and Aphrodite calls her on it, and it is glorious.

Behold!

“‘You make me sick, Aphrodite. Do you care about anyone but yourself?’

‘Whatever, Zoey. Like you’re so perfect? I didn’t hear you caring about anyone else except your grandma.’

Thank you, Aphrodite. It’s so funny when characters call out Sues on their crap but the author doesn’t realize they’re doing it. It’s like the sane part of their brains are going ‘it’s not my fault, I swear.’

So, there’s supposed to be a bridge accident, and the Zoey comes up with a very stupid way to tell the police without the police having a clue who they are involving a disposable cellphone which fails for obvious reasons.

Though Grandma Cliché Cherokee is saved.

Regrettably.

At the same time, for completely unrelated reasons (you know, some guy was found dead, it wasn’t that important), two cops turn up to talk to Zoey. They come into Neferet’s office, and we learn that Kayla, the girl who was Zoey’s friend in the last book, is now EVIL because she wanted Heath. She said that Zoey might have attacked the two guys. The police, being both male and human are both evil(ish) and stupid, and Zoey whines about how mean Kayla is. And manages to, had these policemen NOT been stupid cliché stereotypes of what the police are like, give them some pretty good evidence on herself.

For the sake of drama, the police show off a necklace that happens to look like something that the leader of the Dark Daughters (AKA her) wears. Neferet is suddenly unhappy and starts trying to intimidate the police, which would only get her in trouble in the real world. The police mention that the guy died via exsanguination, and Neferet whines about how they’re being bigots by thinking that a species that drinks blood might drink blood…and then some random drug rant happens.

No, I’m serious.

After some more whining, Zoey goes to bed has a Significant Dream which basically tells the entire plot twist about Neferet being teh evil along with Loren, and she forgets it. That makes the point of view very strange. How does she write it down when she doesn’t remember it? What is the point in showing the audience something that is supposed to be a thrilling twist?

Because…plot, Zoey goes shopping for a disposable cellphone so she call about the bridge anonymously. This is stupid, but moving on, she runs into Heath, the guy from last book who Zoey bit. He was handing out flyers, looking for his missing friend, and we finally learn why Imprinting is like.

And it’s horrifying.

In Twilight, Imprinting was the special, magical moment where a guy got his entire personality rewritten and all affection for anyone else erased so that he could fall in love at first sight with a random person (or child) because babies. Here, it’s the special, magical moment where a guy gets his entire personality rewritten so that he can love what is essentially his magical rapist, so that, therefore, it’s not rape anymore!

I’m not sure which is more horrifying. Probably Twilight because the guys become abusers as well because it’s…supposed to be what these women want.

Heath apparently sometimes hallucinates that he sees her, and is so completely and utterly obsessed and dependent on her that he basically forgets all about the flyers and his friend in his haste to focus on her. Apparently no one bothered to tell him that he’s now emotionally dependent on the girl, and Zoey treats the whole thing like he’s being stupid.

Until they decide to make out, then everything’s fine.

When she gets back, Zoey calls the FBI, claims to be a terrorist group called ‘Nature’s Jihad’1 claims they set a bomb, and the FBI doesn’t seem able to track this. Really. Then they find that the bridge was about to collapse, and everyone survives. Problem solved!

So, Stevie Rae starts having cold symptoms. Can you guess what that means? Oh, and Obnoxious Stereotype Gay Damien gets a boyfriend whose just as much as a stereotype as him. Yay.

So, being that Erik is coming back, and Loren is there, and Zoey was making out with Heath, Zoey whines about how hard her lot in life is or something, but then she sees a bunch of clocked figures sneaking around the grounds and one of the is Neferet and the another is Elliot. Zoey gives some lovely dialog about how

Elliot had been a short, pudgy, unattractive kid with too white skin and carrot red hair that was habitually frizzed out. He was still all those things, but now his pale cheeks were gaunt and his body was hunched, as if it had curled in on itself.

How dare he have died unattractive! And now he’s more unattractive! So he’s EVIL! Seriously, for most of this book, he’s referred to as the ‘Elliot Creature’. Even though he appears to still have his memories and such.

Neferet basically reveals that she’s evil, eats a football player and makes out with an underage boy, which is Very Bad, but when she makes out with her teacher, that’s fine. Then she goes back to her dorm and forgets about it. Seriously, she doesn’t mention it again for like…three chapters. This girl would be perfect in a dystopian world. She’d forget everything was wasn’t mercilessly pounded into her and didn’t involve her lovelife.

Erik comes back, and we get some more Orthello fail, which, ironically Aphrodite catches. Along with the implications of her cheating on Erik mean. Of course, everyone laughs it off, but…yeah…it’s there. And it’s glorious.

So, they have their little full moon ritual, and Loren turns up and starts flirting with Zoey right in front of her boyfriend. Zoey, decides to flirt back a little RIGHT IN FRONT OF HER BOYFRIEND, and then decides to do the actual ritual. Which involves Enya. Zoey whines a little more about the marijuana incense from last book as if it’s the height of depravity. And then finally, finally, the book does something.

Stevie Rae dies the same way that Elliot did, and it is the most pathetic, over sentimental piece of drivel that I’ve ever read. Including having things suddenly smell like flowers, Stevie telling Zoey that because Zoey’s parents are eeeeevil Fundies, Zoey gets to have Stevie’s family (ten bucks says nothing ever comes from this) and she does the same thing that Elliot does, beg Zoey to tell her parents what happened to her. This time though, Zoey is all sympathetic.

Then she whines and morns. And it’s insulting. Particularly since while the continuity of this world is such that Zoey should be told to move on and not talk about it, everyone else treats Zoey with reverence. Because it’s Zoey. Neferet brings up a drink so Zoey can sleep, Aphrodite turns up and tells her not to drink it and, everyone hates on her for a while. They all completely ignore the fact that she correctly predicted the whole bridge incident while mentally torturing the girl and telling her that she’s getting fake visions.

Why isn’t this story about Aphrodite?

Then we go on for THREE CHAPTERS of Zoey whining. You know, this could be bareable. This could be the moment that Zoey gets it through her thick skull that what the vampires are doing is wrong, but all she does is come across as a total hypocrite.

We also get this nauseating scene of Stevie Rae walking into Nix’s open arms in a scene that sounds like it’s right out of Shadowmancer or the many, many pieces of Christian fiction where this happens, and Zoey finds peace with her religion and preaches to me for a while, until finally she shuts up and goes to sleep.

Then Zoey has a Significant Dream. And now Stevie Rae is a red eyed ghost and kidnaps Heath. And then she completely ignores it and goes about her day.

Someone stab me. Or better yet, direct me to a book signing of theirs, so I can scream my frustrations out on the twits.

And she finds out that, on the news, Heath is now missing. What a shocking thing to happen.

It’s not like she just dreamed it or anything.

Fans, if any be there who read this review, justify this to me. Justify Zoey’s stupidity. Justify her actions. I. Dare. You.

Zoey says that she’s going to see Neferet and runs to see Aphrodite, who’s not surprised that she’s there. Zoey asks about the visions and dreams and then about the drink. And then we get this.

“It made me feel funny, detached. And it stopped my visions. Not permanently, just for a couple of weeks. And then it was hard for me to even remember what she looked like.’ Aphrodite paused. ‘Venus. Her name was Venus Davis.’ Her eyes met mine again. ‘She was the reason I chose Aphrodite as my new name. We were best friends and we thought it was cool.’ Her eyes were filled with sadness. ‘I’ve made myself remember Venus, and I figured you’d want to remember Stevie Rae”

Congratulations, Aphrodite, you’ve just shown the most interesting past and the most humanity of any character in this series. This is horrifying. And it really makes me angry. This is a plot. THIS is what this book should have been about. It should have been about how the vampires are drugging the students when someone dies, and how this ISN’T just Neferet. This is the culture. This is what it means to be a vampire.

It means to not care about anyone or anything but yourself. This should be about Aphrodite, coming into this school, away from her abusive parents, meeting her best friend and having similar names, goofing around, and then suddenly this friend is dead, and Aphrodite is drugged so that she can’t even remember her. Then, through sheer force of will, making herself remember her friend again, even if it makes her a target of Neferet, to be humiliated and lose everything that she was starting to gain to a stupid girl who believes everything that Neferet says.

See what I mean about fanfic?

Zoey leaves because Aphrodite refuses to actually tell her anything because she’s Neferet’s little minion, and the cops turn up again and are stupid.

Zoey begins to realize that Neferet might not like humans (who’d have thought) and then Zoey does something incredibly stupid.

More stupid than is normal for her at any rate.

She tells the cops everything that she knows while the villain is sitting right in front of her listening. The vision about Heath being kidnapped. Not Neferet being evil. That at least would have been interesting, though it would have made the series pretty short. One of the cops admits to having a vampire sister who is loves. This is treated as shocking because human man are all bigoted and evil.

Then Neferet is suddenly compared to Zoey’s mother. Whose only crime is marrying a dude that Zoey didn’t like who had beliefs that Zoey didn’t agree with. This is evil, people.

Then Zoey goes back to her love life of juggling men, and while making out with Erik has this lovely thought.

How did those ho-ish girls go out with a dozen or so guys at the same time? Two was exhausting”.

No, dear, it’s three.

And you are in no place to sit on your laurels about morality since two of these men think that you’re dating them exclusively. Sit down and shut up.

So, Zoey has another vision about Heath in a room, they chat in vision form for a while, Zoey gets shilled and decides to run off and save him without bothering about the whole police thing. She’s special after all.

She goes down into the sewers, where she finds Health and the ghosties. Then Stevie Rae shows up, and acts like an evil cliché villain no matter how many times Zoey tries to convince her of her snerk affection.

The whole thing winds down into a long argument about Stevie still being human, and then Zoey takes Heath, leaves and makes the tunnel they were in collapse, and then she starts nomming on Heath.

Then Stevie shows up again and it’s second verse same as the first.

Heath says that Zoey should use her super special awesome element powers and kill all the ghosts since they’re killing humans, but Zoey doesn’t want to. She says that they’re still students. Therefore, they’re more important that the multitude of people that they’re going to kill, I guess.

Then…the truly dramatic reveal occurs: NEFERET IS BEHIND THE GHOSTS’ ACTIVITIES!

Did you gasp, or was that a yawn?

They leave, Zoey calls the police to tell them that stuff happened finally, Neferet shows up, and Zoey basically tells her that she has told the police things so killing her would be suspicious. Then Neferet does the next best thing and erases memories.

Then she has a vision of Nix, who tells her what a good job she did (of something) and hugs and kisses her before telling her to wake up.

Well, that was pointless.

The policemen with the vampire sister and her talk, they find out that Zoey had memories erased, and then everything continues as if Neferet hadn’t done this thing which was supposed to be dramatic but wasn’t.

Well, that was pointless.

She makes up a stupid story about a crazy homeless guy and goes back to the House of Night, refusing all police help. Because the police are stupid and male and human. She quickly makes sure that Neferet knows that she’s not brainwashed anymore, and thus completely ruins any protections that she had and flounces off.

The end.

No, there is nothing actually resolved in this book. You’ll have to wait for the next one.

Characters

Zoey has somehow managed to reach new levels of obnoxious. She was already a raging Sue, but this time she’s insufferable, flat states that she’s the most special vampire ever, and actually considers herself justified in having a relationship with three guys at the same time. Not only that, but she’s got the memory of a goldfish. EVERYTHING has to be constantly spelled out for her in the simplest terms or else she won’t comprehend it. My four year old niece would be able to understand what was going on before her.

Erik is probably the most sympathetic male character that I’ve ever come across, and this guy doesn’t even do anything. He’s just used and thrown away the second that someone else flirts with his attention deficient girlfriend, and then brought up as ‘oh yeah, he exists doesn’t he?’ If you want and example for the objectification of men in this book, look no further than Erik.

Aphrodite is in the confusing phase of her characterization. Now, apparently, Mommy Cast, as the one who can write, likes Aphrodite best of all her characters. It’s clear that what’s going on is that Mommy Cast wants Aphrodite to join up with Zoey’s sycophants, so she’s being made more sympathetic. But Baby Cast wants her to be the Scary Sue as long as she can manage it, so everyone is horrible to her. This only makes me like Aphrodite more. Of all the characters, she’s the only one who’s close to being a character in her own right. She’s alone, being psychologically attacked, humiliated and doing her best to survive with the knowledge that the person that she trusted turned her best friend into a monster. This is interesting. It’s to bad that we’re too busy listen to a girl whining about how hard it is to have three guys want her.

Neferet should have been a shock villain, but she wasn’t. She’s also not all that smart since she doesn’t either keep brainwashing Zoey or just kill her despite the suspicions. She’s a stupid villain, who might have been a creepy villain. It’s really too bad that nothing in this book is able to live up to any potential. But other than that, there’s really very little to her. Her character is flat and uninteresting, and even her backstory with her father is almost more an a taped on try to flesh her out than anything real. Rape as a backstory doesn’t really make a character more interesting. It’s actually kind of insulting.

Themes

Humans are icky.

Men are icky.

Vampires are cool.

If you don’t like someone that makes them evil regardless of any other factors that you don’t know about. Even if they’re being abused, have had much harder lives then you and you are really just mad that they didn’t like you first, they’re still evil. Thus you don’t have to worry about treating them like people.

Those are pretty much the actual morals of this series.

Student/Teacher Romance

A teacher in his twenties flirting with a sixteen year old is pedophilia. Period. There is nothing sexy about it in the slightest. Why? Because in this situation, the teacher is in complete control of everything.

Let’s say that at some point Zoey wises up and realizes that this isn’t a good idea. Loren has the ability to not only force her to stay with him or he’ll fail her, he can control her grades depending on how well she performs. There is NOTHING that she can do to stop him while she’s in his class unless she has the guts to report him, and even then things get sketchy. The fact that this is being portrayed as romantic is repulsive.

Now, does this mean that there is no way that a Student/Teacher romance can be done? Sure, but it has to be aware of the problems. Many times, both parties wait until the student isn’t their student anymore for things to get interesting, since that way the power issues aren’t there anymore. At the very least they have to know that this isn’t a good thing, and they have to act like this isn’t a good thing. There should be a struggle, and this has to be seen as something that no one should be doing.

Mechanics

Once again, it’s hard to see that the Casts have actually had a conversation with a real, breathing human being. The dialog is strange, awkward and sounds like a parody of teenagers rather than actual teenagers. The only one who sounds somewhat normal is Aphrodite, and that’s mostly by mistake. I’m pretty sure that Baby Cast didn’t realize it.

Setting

Oh boy.

This setting honestly doesn’t make sense. The problems that I mentioned in the last review are still there, but there’s a real inconsistency going on. For instance, vampirism is supposed to be a new thing that was just discovered, and yet every single famous person was either a vampire or influenced by them. There is nothing wrong with the masquerade, but only when the people are actively trying to stay out of the limelight. Otherwise, people are clearly stupid. I mean…there are all these women with a big crescent moon on their forehead. People are going to notice this.

Claiming that it was covered up by the patriarchy kind of makes them sound like a pair of conspiracy theorists hiding out in a room with tin hats on and refusing to buy anything that needs to be scanned because it’s the government’s way of keeping track of you.

Also, I’m pretty sure that many female writers, such as Jane Austen are not going to be amused by your claiming that she was really a vampire who worshiped a night goddess. In fact, I think that she’d be downright offended. These are real people, Casts.

Mythology and Religion

No.

I’d love to stop right there, but I’m going to go into things further.

One, these books have a double standard that I’ve only seen before in some of the worst written Christian Fiction that I’ve had the misfortune to stumble across. For some reason, Zoey is allowed to preach about her religion to the audience, talking about how she had her Goddess with her and constantly harping on how great her religion is, but all other beliefs are stupid and evil. Now, reverse this. If this was written as Zoey’s constantly talking about Jesus and sneering at a group that worshiped a goddess as being a bunch of cultists and hippies, everyone would agree that she was being offensive.

Moving on, the Mommy Cast and Baby Cast are, as usual, managing to shoot themselves in the foot with their ideas involving ‘All women from mythology were vampires LOLZ, but all the ebil men didn’t like them!’ Medusa, who was some earth powered vampire according to the Casts, had a tendency to turn people into stone. Now, in the myths, she couldn’t really help it, and for the most part she stayed on her island and didn’t bother people. She could easily be made into a sympathetic character, but by saying that she had control over this power makes her a true monster and her death at the hands of Perseus really great. Good job, Casts. Another one, Hecate, has, despite her having been nicely sanitized for the modern person, some really creepy rituals around her.

Well, to be honest, most of the rituals that I’ve had described to me would make university students blush, but the point remains, these are NOT shining examples. Worse, making them completely different than what they were in mythology not only makes everyone around you stupid for not knowing, but it actually takes away what made these characters interesting. Medusa was interesting BECAUSE she was a woman who was turned into a monster with snakes for hair who turned people into stone. Making her into a hot earth priestess just makes her boring

Next, the Cast ladies don’t seem to clear on a few things involving Nix. For a cliché mother goddess…she acts a LOT like Crystal Dragon Jesus. I’m not saying that she has to be evil, but making her look like a cheap genderflipped knock off of the religion being hated on doesn’t really impress me. Give her something else that interesting. Make her flawed like the Greek Gods, make her like Ishtar, beautiful but warlike, make her SOMETHING INTERESTING.

Literature

I’ve mentioned a few times that I don’t like it when people write about literature when they don’t understand it. I really, really don’t like it when people write about literature when they disagree with it, and are thus going to hate on it for daring to NOT go with what they want.

Brom Stoker, long long ago wrote a novel called Dracula. It was a story where one of the greatest horrors of the ancient world went against the modern world and ended up ultimately failing. But not to the Cast Ladies. In their view, it was a rival story, and if they were going to have their Sue species, they were going to have to take a dump on a story that is infinitely better written than theirs.

They not only take a dump on the book because it shows vampires as monsters as supposed to magical super women who worship the Mother Goddess like they want, but they take a dump on the character of Stoker, a man who never did anything to them and whose only crime is being male and not a vampire. According to them, he was a failed Imprint of some vampire chick who wrote Dracula as a revengefic because she rejected him.

This is not charming. There are flaws in the book. Major, major flaws, but just because it doesn’t fit into what you want, doesn’t mean that you have the right to make personal comments about the author. You could easily make it just fiction from a time when no one knew about vampires, but it almost sounds like Baby Cast got a bad grade analyzing the book, so now she’s going to punish it and Stoker.

Final Assessment

How this book manages to be popular alludes me. The main character is the most selfish little mewling quim that has ever graced print, the plot is stupid, the authors are allergic to anything that looks like character development, and there is nothing that is actually GOOD about this book, other than MAYBE Aphrodite.

There are few books that are actually worse than this one, and once again, be good this year, because if you’re not, Santa will bring you this.

And it’s decidedly less useful than a lump of coal. It won’t even burn for all that long.

Score: 1 of 10 (Aphrodite’s character is interesting)

Next up: Clockwork Angel

1 One, this term isn’t being used correctly. It would be something like ‘Nature’s Struggle’ which makes no sense. But we all know why it’s being used: TYPECASTING! I’m so sorry to all Muslim readers. This is so offensive.

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Comment

  1. swenson on 17 December 2013, 13:06 said:

    May you be shipped with Patch from Hush Hush for all of your literary existence. You deserve him.

    Ooooh, burn.

    When I was in high school, I thought about picking up these books. The covers looked… well, different from most, at the very least, and lots of other people seemed to like them. I’m kind of glad I never actually read them.

  2. Potatoman on 17 December 2013, 13:09 said:

    I was waiting for an article from you for the longest time! And it was worth the wait.

    Remember children, if you’re not attractive, you deserve no pity, no kindness and no respect, even if you died painfully coughing up blood and begging the teachers to tell your family what happened to you.

    Ah, superfiiciality and aesthetics. Prized so much in the modern world. And they wonder why aliens don’t visit us.

    Also, ‘Nature’s Jihad’? What the actual fuck? I’m laughing right now. Really. It’s funny, being a Muslim and seeing the word ‘jihad’ being bandied about like nobody’s business. It seems that the Casts closely follow the Western media’s interpretation of the word, which is to go blow yourselves up and kill innocent people in the name of Allah (swt).

    Uh, no. Fucking no.

    Jihad is described as the struggle of faith, rejecting inner and outer evil influences. It is also the correct term for struggling for any cause. But it is most commonly misconstrued as the aforementioned example, which is also partly the fault of extremist Muslims that give the rest of us a hard time.

    It’s generally thought acceptable to only pursue defensive jihad, as opposed to initiating violence which is greatly frowned upon in mainstream Islam. The branch I belong to (Sunni) is the one I consider mainstream, but the other branches are almost exactly similar with their interpretations to what I’ve mentioned. Quranists in particular.

    Ok, rant over. Sorry. Just had to say it.

  3. Pryotra on 17 December 2013, 13:24 said:

    I’m kind of glad I never actually read them.

    Oh, they get WORSE. I swear, these books are proof of the devil. Or at least of deals with him.

    Jihad is described as the struggle of faith, rejecting inner and outer evil influences. It is also the correct term for struggling for any cause. But it is most commonly misconstrued as the aforementioned example, which is also partly the fault of extremist Muslims that give the rest of us a hard time.

    It’s generally thought acceptable to only pursue defensive jihad, as opposed to initiating violence which is greatly frowned upon in mainstream Islam. The branch I belong to (Sunni) is the one I consider mainstream, but the other branches are almost exactly similar with their interpretations to what I’ve mentioned. Quranists in particular.

    You tell them.

    Seriously, it’s so obnoxious when these women do stuff like this. They do no research, and don’t even think about what they’re actually saying. What’s worse, from interviews that I’ve read, they really, really see the world the way that they write it. Complete with stereotypes, the tin hat patriarchy and everything else.

  4. Fireshark on 17 December 2013, 16:33 said:

    You really make a good case that this is fanfic of a story from an alternate universe. I wish they’d written it all from Aphrodite’s perspective; she could be a very interesting heroine if handled properly.

  5. Resistance on 17 December 2013, 16:57 said:

    I actually want to start calling her Zit as she is a zit on the face of the written word.

    Snort

    I’ve been waiting forever for another House of Night review from you! This was hilarious as always.

    I remember reading this book and just wanting to tear it to shreds, burn it, and then drown the ashes in case they were still alive.

    Thankfully you’ve done it for me!

    It’s funny, being a Muslim and seeing the word ‘jihad’ being bandied about like nobody’s business.

    I’m learning about the spread of Islam, and Islamic cultures in World Cultures, actually. We were talking about the basis of Islam and how it started and all that stuff, and someone brought up the word ‘jihad’. And the teacher asked if we knew what it meant, and so I said, “the struggle to preserve the faith”, which is what our textbook even said. And the teacher said, “no, it’s a holy war”. And I was like, huh? I mean, really the only way I know about Islam is through Potatoman and my textbook. I mean, the teacher, he’s great guy and all, but how do you get “war” from “struggle to preserve the faith”. I mean, I see the correlation, but that’s like getting “snow” from “white”. Yes, snow is white, and yes, war may how some people preserve their faith, but they are not mutually inclusive or exclusive. Hell, even when you Google jihad, it says “a war or struggle against unbelievers”.

    I guess I shouldn’t expect actual learning on the part of the Casts.

    And Pryotra’s right – if “Zit” was going around preaching about Jesus, and complaining about any other religion, she’d be seen as a bitch. But she’s “special” because people “don’t understand” or some bullshit.

    Jesus.

  6. Pryotra on 17 December 2013, 17:03 said:

    You really make a good case that this is fanfic of a story from an alternate universe.

    It’s funny, I read it, and I got the feeling it was, and then some time later, I read Zelda Queen’s sporking, and they were talking about the same thing in the comments. I think it’s the sheer Sue-ishness of Zoey combined with the fact that Aphrodite actually could have been a good character, and most of the characters just feel like they’re…their. It’s almost like in bad fanfic, where they mention side characters without being able to characterize them. The whole book is really bizarre in that regard.

  7. Apep on 17 December 2013, 17:12 said:

    You know, some books (even series) written by two people are done so well it’s hard to tell there were multiple authors. This… not so much. Stuff like how Zoey keeps ignoring stuff like Neferet being Obviously Evil.

    I read Zelda Queen’s sporking, and they were talking about the same thing in the comments.

    I remember that. Didn’t someone mention reverse-engineering the original story? I really need to look into how that’s going.

    The Stoker bashing really pissed me off. Baby Cast doing it because she got a bad grade on a report about Dracula wouldn’t surprise me. At all.

    The fact that Baby Cast is going to be published on her own scares me more than you can believe.

    On a more edit-y note, Pryotra, I noticed some errors in your review. Not enough to make it unreadable, but just things that bugged me (like “here” instead of “hear”, “soupbox” instead of “soapbox”, that sort of thing).

    Can’t wait until you shred the next one.

  8. swenson on 17 December 2013, 20:33 said:

    But I do have to say that standing on a soupbox would be interesting as well.

  9. Pryotra on 17 December 2013, 21:10 said:

    And Pryotra’s right – if “Zit” was going around preaching about Jesus, and complaining about any other religion, she’d be seen as a bitch. But she’s “special” because people “don’t understand” or some bullshit.

    Precisely. I’m an equal opportunity anti preaching kind of person. If preaching is annoying for one thing, it’s annoying for everything. If you want a goddess religion, great. Show me how it works, but don’t preach. It’s really possible to do it.

    I noticed some errors in your review.

    sigh

    That must have been when it didn’t completely save. I’ll fix it.

    But I do have to say that standing on a soupbox would be interesting as well.

    It would have to be a really big soupbox…

  10. The Smith of Lie on 18 December 2013, 12:23 said:

    First thing that would have turned me away from this book with great haste is use of the word ‘‘vampyre’‘. It is one of those spellings that, together with ‘‘magick’‘ and variations signal to me that author thinks he(she) is all that, while he(she) isn’t. Among the other fun words like this there’s ‘‘wyse”.

    Secondly, the Imprinting. It actually gave me the idea for a theory, which would make the book make sense (yes, that is a bad sentence and I feel bad, thanks for asking). You ask how is such a feat possible? You see, here we have a mystical process involving blood that makes a mortal infatuated, obsessed even with a vampire (I refuse to spell it like the book). Where have I heard that one before? Ghouls maybe?

    Ok, technical details do not check out, Zoey drank Chesse’s (his name’s Cheese, right?), not the other way around. But here we get to a second part of my brilliant theory! Zoey is a Malkavian with low Humanity. This way we can scrap whatever does not make sense (which, judging by the recap, is most things) as her delusions. Oh, sure, things happen. But details – Nix, being super chockolaty fudge uber speshul, being shilled by everyone, etc. are only in Zoey’s head.

    It would surely make for much more fun book anyway. And there’d be hope that Camarilla will stake her and leave to watch a sunrise in order to uphold Masquerade.

  11. Juracan on 18 December 2013, 21:12 said:

    …everything about this series seems to bother me. The names, the characters, the themes… I am honestly baffled that this got published in the first place. It’s one of those things you look at and wonder how anyone thought it was a good idea. How is it that neither of the authors thought it was a bit weird that our main character, a teenager, is being hit on by a teacher?

    Wait, is he a vampire? And if so, how old is he, exactly? Because that might make things significantly creepier than they already were, which is a difficult achievement.

  12. Pryotra on 18 December 2013, 21:56 said:

    Among the other fun words like this there’s ‘‘wyse”.

    No. Just no. And yeah, ‘magick’ and even ‘faerie’ are two things that really tend to turn me off to a work. I’ve forgiven people for the later, but the former is almost a strike out right there. It’s like they’re trying to make themselves more special or mystic sounding. Vampyre just sounds stupid. You know, like that kid who starts putting a ‘y’ in their name so that they can sound cooler? Like…Ravyn or something.

    how anyone thought it was a good idea.

    I’m not sure they thought it was a good idea. I think some publisher just looked at it and said ‘yup, I can sell this’ and managed to. What really upsets me about this book is what it says about us. I mean…this is a popular book. People really like it. People think Zoey is a good character and that Neferet was subtle as a villain.

    It’s really horrifying.

    Wait, is he a vampire? And if so, how old is he, exactly? Because that might make things significantly creepier than they already were, which is a difficult achievement.

    Thankfully, he’s actually in his twenties. It’s a small mercy.

  13. Danielle on 18 December 2013, 23:59 said:

    Now, before someone else who’s read the books brings up the Nice Nuns that turn up later, don’t.

    Without having read any of the other books except the first, I’m going to make a prediction.

    The Nice Nuns will be of the “live-and-let-live-because-Jesus-loves-everyone” variety. They will never address the New Age Mother Goddess Crystal Dragon Jesus religion or any of its disturbing rites. Not one nun will make an attempt to convert a vamp, and if she does, she will be immediately chastised by her superiors. The nuns will offer nothing but help, and one or two will be amazed at the wonders of Castpyre society. Not one Castpyre will be humbled by the charity of the nuns; it will only work in the opposite direction. Zoey will act as though the nuns’ charity is her Nyx-given right, never once expressing gratitude to them. Nevertheless, the nuns will still be impressed by Zoey’s Speshul Snowflake leadership skills.

    Am I right?

  14. The Smith of Lie on 19 December 2013, 05:54 said:

    The Nice Nuns will be of the “live-and-let-live-because-Jesus-loves-everyone” variety. They will never address the New Age Mother Goddess Crystal Dragon Jesus religion or any of its disturbing rites. Not one nun will make an attempt to convert a vamp, and if she does, she will be immediately chastised by her superiors. The nuns will offer nothing but help, and one or two will be amazed at the wonders of Castpyre society. Not one Castpyre will be humbled by the charity of the nuns; it will only work in the opposite direction. Zoey will act as though the nuns’ charity is her Nyx-given right, never once expressing gratitude to them. Nevertheless, the nuns will still be impressed by Zoey’s Speshul Snowflake leadership skills.

    Better, yet much less probable, idea – they are like the nuns from the new Hitman game. And they chase vampyres with rocket launchers.

    How is that being a Nice Nun you ask? Would you tell a nun with a rocket launcher she is not nice? No, I thought you wouldn’t.

  15. Pryotra on 19 December 2013, 17:32 said:

    Am I right?

    Pretty close. There are some other joys that they’re going to smack us with, but that’s pretty close. After all, it’s not like nun’s actually DO anything, you know.

    How is that being a Nice Nun you ask? Would you tell a nun with a rocket launcher she is not nice? No, I thought you wouldn’t.

    Also, as far as I’m concerned, a nun killing vampires is very nice. She’s preforming a great service to humanity. A nun doing it with a rocket launcher is even nicer.

  16. The Smith of Lie on 20 December 2013, 11:32 said:

    Also, as far as I’m concerned, a nun killing vampires is very nice. She’s preforming a great service to humanity. A nun doing it with a rocket launcher is even nicer.

    In a pinch I can agree for a psychotic priest with bayonets. But yes, few things top a nun with rocket launcher.

    And on an only veguely related note this video: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dB2Ff8H7oVo&hd=1 which is an educational video about the English grammer, has more viable vampire lore in a single verse, than this book and the rest of its series…

  17. Danielle on 21 December 2013, 14:00 said:

    Also, as far as I’m concerned, a nun killing vampires is very nice. She’s preforming a great service to humanity. A nun doing it with a rocket launcher is even nicer.

    In a pinch I can agree for a psychotic priest with bayonets. But yes, few things top a nun with rocket launcher.

    Would you two please do humanity a real service and write this book already?

  18. Brendan Rizzo on 21 December 2013, 21:48 said:

    I remember that. Didn’t someone mention reverse-engineering the original story? I really need to look into how that’s going.

    Ooh, link please.

  19. The Smith of Lie on 22 December 2013, 09:20 said:

    Would you two please do humanity a real service and write this book already?

    If I ever wrote a book in my life, I’d get executed for crimes against humanity. That or get sporked mercilessly right here. I never remember which one is punishment for genocide and which for being crappy author. But I guess I can whip up a spite fic of a book I never read.

    Priest looked at the premises of the so called school. „So, this is their hiding place?” Young nun nodded her head. „Our intelligence indicates up to 50”, she looked at the dossier, „vampyres inside.” Father Jones eyebrow rose in vetinariesque fashion. „Vampyres, sister Charity? Since when do our documents have such atrocious typos?” The answer did not come immediately. It took about a minute before sister Charity found the proper paragraph. „Well, it seems there’s not typo, father. They are not vampires as we have fought before. According to Holy Office analysts those here are much more pathetic.”

    Gates went down easily, single rocket was enough to tear them from hinges and throw across the lawn. Father Jones and sister Charity went in almost at the same instant. Both wielding Saiga 12 assault shotguns. Following right behind them into the fray went brother Ignatius. In heavy, fire resistant robes, wielding M2A1-7 flamethrower in his large hands.

    Wholesale slaughter of godless abominations started with a blond female entangled with an older male. Caught in flagranti they had no time to run or hide. Few well aimed shots to the legs left them crippled, waiting to be engulfed by cleansing flames. None of the bloodsuckers met inside were able to put more resistance than the first two. Only from time the time a shot was heard from afar. Sisters Clementia and Misericordia perched on the rooftops, preventing any creatures from escaping. „Sister, take the left wing, brother Ignatius will help you. I’ll clear”, he looked at the blueprints of the building provided by the Holy Office, „the dormitories.”

    The work wasn’t hard, but it was bloody. Yet, father Jones did not waver in his resolve, for he was making world better and safer place. He cleared room by room, methodically, thoroughly.

    „The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

    Finally he was down to the last room. Inside was a girl with the most silly version of crescent moon tattoo so far. Not just an outline, but full silver crescent. She muttered something under her breath and unleashed her foul magic at him. Wave of ruinous energies engulfed the priest, but when it moved past him he stood there, unscathed. „Faith is my shield, you heathen!” Barrel of his shotgun rose to the level of her forehead. „No, no, no… You can’t do this! I am chosen of Nyx!” No booming shot came. Weapon’s mechanism clicked hollowly, the magazine was empty. „Haha! You foolish human. You can’t kill me. I am special. I am better than you. I have been chosen by the godd…” Ending the sentence with knife stuck in her trachea was too hard. Father Jones left wounded vampire for brother Ignatius to purge. He was almost out of the room, when she gathered enough strength to say „You are… cattle…” Phosphorous grenade landed almost squarely in her lap. „Moo” said the priest and left the girl alone with her fiery death.

    Three explosions boomed from upstairs. Judging by the sound, one shrapnel and two phosphorous. Sister Charity was always too eager with explosives, but he had no heart to berate her for that. No other nun was so good with rocket launchers after all.

    They met outside. „Father, the Michael is in position. We should evacuate.” He nodded. „We have another mission anyway. We need to get to Venus Cove, posthaste.” Sister Charity frowned in confusion. „It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but aren’t we to fight only supernatural threats?” „Yes, but the impostor angels landed there.” She made a sign of the cross. „Is it… is it the Adversary?” Father Jones shook his head. „It’s even worse. It’s Him.” The last word he almost growled in anger. And sister Charity knew who he meant. The most insidious and repulsive foe. Naybriel.

    Their chopper was already few miles away when the wrath of God, condensed into a form of Tomahawk missile, fallen onto the former school for vampyres. „Good riddance.” Sister Clementia voiced thoughts of the whole team. She had penchant for stating the obvious, but at the moment no one felt like begrudging her for that. And so they left, for the vaguely located but ill bred town of Venus Cove.

    There you go. I apologise for my bad English, second language, hastily written and silly spite fic and any other excuses I can make.

  20. Danielle on 22 December 2013, 20:01 said:

    Father Jones eyebrow rose in vetinariesque fashion. „Vampyres, sister Charity? Since when do our documents have such atrocious typos?”

    Hehehe!

    The answer did not come immediately. It took about a minute before sister Charity found the proper paragraph. „Well, it seems there’s not typo, father. They are not vampires as we have fought before. According to Holy Office analysts those here are much more pathetic.”

    I like you, Smith.

    Following right behind them into the fray went brother Ignatius. In heavy, fire resistant robes, wielding M2A1-7 flamethrower in his large hands.

    I like you a lot.

    Sisters Clementia and Misericordia perched on the rooftops, preventing any creatures from escaping.

    Actually, no….

    And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

    I think….

    Finally he was down to the last room. Inside was a girl with the most silly version of crescent moon tattoo so far. Not just an outline, but full silver crescent. She muttered something under her breath and unleashed her foul magic at him. Wave of ruinous energies engulfed the priest, but when it moved past him he stood there, unscathed. „Faith is my shield, you heathen!”

    ….I think I might….

    You can’t kill me. I am special. I am better than you. I have been chosen by the godd…” Ending the sentence with knife stuck in her trachea was too hard.

    No, I don’t think, I know.

    He was almost out of the room, when she gathered enough strength to say „You are… cattle…” Phosphorous grenade landed almost squarely in her lap.

    Smith, I have a confession to make. I don’t like you…..

    „Moo” said the priest and left the girl alone with her fiery death.

    …because I love you.

    Three explosions boomed from upstairs. Judging by the sound, one shrapnel and two phosphorous. Sister Charity was always too eager with explosives, but he had no heart to berate her for that. No other nun was so good with rocket launchers after all.

    I love you more than I thought I could love another human being.

    We have another mission anyway. We need to get to Venus Cove, posthaste.” Sister Charity frowned in confusion. „It is a wretched hive of scum and villainy, but aren’t we to fight only supernatural threats?” „Yes, but the impostor angels landed there.”

    And I don’t know if you feel the same way about me…

    She made a sign of the cross. „Is it… is it the Adversary?” Father Jones shook his head. „It’s even worse. It’s Him.” The last word he almost growled in anger. And sister Charity knew who he meant. The most insidious and repulsive foe. Naybriel.

    …but I think we could have something special together.

    Their chopper was already few miles away when the wrath of God, condensed into a form of Tomahawk missile, fallen onto the former school for vampyres.

    Smith, I want to ask you something.

    And so they left, for the vaguely located but ill bred town of Venus Cove.

    Will you marry me?

    I apologise for my bad English, second language, hastily written and silly spite fic and any other excuses I can make.

    You say that like it matters!
    MARRY ME.

  21. Pryotra on 22 December 2013, 20:07 said:

    This is glorious. It is WORTH reading Betrayed just to have read this little lovely.

    „Moo” said the priest and left the girl alone with her fiery death.

    Goodbye, Zoey Redbird. Enjoy that grenade. Mary Sue laws of physics don’t apply in spitefics.

    The most insidious and repulsive foe. Naybriel.

    Marry me, please.

    You say that like it matters! MARRY ME.

    While I’m not usually one for polygamy, I’ll make an exception in this cause.

    Can we both marry you?

  22. Danielle on 22 December 2013, 20:14 said:

    While I’m not usually one for polygamy, I’ll make an exception in this cause.

    Me neither, but I would be honored and overjoyed to have you as my sister wife. :P

  23. Apep on 22 December 2013, 22:16 said:

    @Lie-Smith:

    I’m not going to propose. However, I will offer a digital fist-bump.

    „The path of the righteous man is beset on all sides by the inequities of the selfish and the tyranny of evil men. Blessed is he who in the name of charity and goodwill shepherds the weak through the valley of darkness, for he is truly his brother’s keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you will know my name is the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon thee.”

    Correction – I’ll buy you a beer.

    Phosphorous grenade landed almost squarely in her lap. „Moo” said the priest and left the girl alone with her fiery death.

    And a steak.

    Personally, I might have gone with “You mess with the bull, you get the horns,” but “Moo,” does have a certain simple elegance to it.

  24. The Smith of Lie on 23 December 2013, 06:20 said:

    Personally, I might have gone with “You mess with the bull, you get the horns,” but “Moo,” does have a certain simple elegance to it.

    Well, that would suit as well, but considering this part is blatant and shameless ripoff an homage to a similar scene in Changes (book 12 of Dresden Files) I chose to stick with source material.

    And a steak.

    I’ll keep to beer. After the cattle symbolism above I’ll steer clear of veal for some time.

    @ Danielle & Pryotra
    :*

  25. The Smith of Lie on 23 December 2013, 06:27 said:

    Sorry for double post, but I got a flash of inspiration just as the first one got sent.

    Anyways, as encouragment for Pryotra (I am real Encourager, I ate hearts of snotty, teenage twins – that’s how it works, right?) to continue her glorious work on Halo spork – once you post the next chapter, I’ll whip the sequel to that snippet above. I already have few ideas.

  26. Brendan Rizzo on 23 December 2013, 11:41 said:

    That was awesome, Smith. I really hope you do the _Halo_spitefic as well. Since they’d be fighting actual fallen angels or whatever you want to call them, that should be even more awesome.

  27. Finn on 23 December 2013, 13:40 said:

    Every time someone says Halo, I think of the videogame. I think the book was erased from my mind.
    I remember I said last year that I wanted to spork Marked. Unfortunately, I was too busy to do so, and still am. I ranted about it a bit to Fair, though, and she said “Is there anyone Zoey doesn’t hate for stupid reasons?” Which, I think, sums up the trainwreck quite nicely.

    The spitefic is wonderful!

  28. The Smith of Lie on 23 December 2013, 15:27 said:

    I was supposed to post it when the next one of Halo sporks comes out, but since I got a rare fit of actually writing more than one sentence, it somehow got completed right away. And it would be a shame to just sit on it for next month or three… So, I give you the Adventures of Father Jones and Vatican Black Ops 2: Electric Bogaloo.

    Waves kept crashing behind their backs, before them stretched a town of Venus Cove. For an untrained eye, a small, sleepy tourist trap at the seaside. For an expert, a lair of smugglers, human traffickers, drug cartels and God only knows what other deviants. To the surprise of everyone it was usually tacit sister Misericordia, who broke the silence. „Ok, we have arrived to Venus Cove, but what continent are we actually on? And how did we get here in the first place?” Awkward silence followed. No one was sure how to answer the questions. It was father Jones who finally spoke. „Well, at least we’ve got all that new equipment.” He opened the large crate that laid nearby. After taking a quick inventory of tech provided by Holy Office sister Charity noticed something very disturbing. At first she could not name the feeling, but it became apparent when she looked at the faces of her teammates. Father Ignatius was smiling. For the first time in all the years she knew him. Cold shiver ran down her spine.

    We are back home. Gabriel and Ivy are talking about our mission downstairs, but I don’t care about it. Sitting in my room I keep thinking about Xavier. About his mesmerizing eyes. About his hands. Those strong, manly hands. I sit on my bed and imagine his hands fondling and kneading my… A loud crash from the front of the house interrupts my train of thought.

    I gingerly walk down the hallway and into our salon. Inside Gabriel is making some strange gestures towards the door. I see the clouds of dust and debris in the place where foyer used to be only few minutes ago. Suddenly the air in front of Gabriel shines with blue, cold glow. Shapes looking a lot like letters form from the lines, but they look somehow sharper, more primal, nothing like heavenly sigils we use back in the Kingdom.

    He finishes just in time. Through the ruins of entrance hall a black man in giant, black suit of armor enters. He looks impossible, too high, too wide in arms. Like a literal giant, he stands at least two heads above Gabriel. In his hands he wields a giant cross wrought of red gold and shining with white electric arcs. Behind him three women clad in similar suits of armor enter. They wear wimples on their heads, they even have rosaries at their belts, but in their hands… In their hands are guns, large. Too large for anyone not wearing that grotesquely large armor to even hold. They are sisters of some order, but still look like they are ready for battle. Like some kind of… Sisters of Battle I guess.

    The man in the lead tries to enter the living room, but he is stopped by some kind of invisible barrier. It flashes for a second and I again see the strange letters drawn by Gabriel. I vaguely remember seeing similar in history class, they are called runes. „They barely pay me enough to babysit two idiots” it is Gabriel, he speaks in strange, changed voice, so unlike his usual, smooth and calm words, „but they sure as Hell, don’t pay me enough to fight with fucking Vatican Black Ops.” I gasp at the curses he says, but Ivy, who was hiding behind a couch, sticks out her head and says „I believe the proper term would be ‘fucking Vatican African Ops.‘”

    Gabriel only shakes his head while covering his eyes with right palm of his manly, pale hand. I think about Xavier hands, about what he could do with them to my… „I AM LORD’S WILL MADE MANIFEST!” it is the man in black armor. He swings his cross in a two handed overhead strike. Gabriel barrier holds, but I see it flicker. I turn towards our leader to ask what shall we do and I freeze in shock. His from became somehow liquid and malleable, he no longer looks like himself.

    He lost few inches and his skin is tanned. Beautiful blond tresses are replaced by brown, shaggy shock of hair. Suddenly, he has a beard and his eyes are no longer blue like the frozen lakes of Himalayas, they are grey. Even his clothes are different, he is now wearing a black suit and blood red silk shirt. I gasp again in shock as I see him lit a cigarette. „Well girls, looks like I have to find myself another contract. I wish I could say it was fun knowing you, but it wasn’t.” With that, he vanishes.

    Father Jones swung his Lightning Cross once more. „IESU DOMINE! LAVA QUOD EST SORDIDUM!” He hit with all his strength and with all the strength his powered armor allowed. The barrier set up by his foes shattered before the hammer of his faith. He entered the room just as the one he thought was Naybriel disappears. It should have been obvious when they ran into a runic barrier. Naybriel was never here, it was a body double. A mercenary.

    His righteous fury did not dissipate as he knew the Lord’s work was not yet done. Their archfoe may have eluded them, but there still were two fake angels to dispatch. He turned to brother Ignatius. „Purge them o brother.”

    Smoldering ruins of the house were still aglow when the authorities showed up. Sister Charity walked up to him „What’s next father? Do we pursue the fake Naybriel?” She knew how he hated the beings that impersonated the angels. He held them in even bigger contempt than angels who fell from the grace of the Lord, they had the place in God’s great plan, at least so taught the Holy Office. But not those impostors, mysterious and unclean. „It can wait. We got a report from Intelligence.” He threw her a dossier. Short gasp escaped sister Charity’s mouth when she saw a picture of their next target. This was going to be fun assignment. „I’ll get other’s ready.” She was about to leave and gather the team, but he stopped her. „Patch won’t be moving soon. Go and catch some r&r while we can, it’s a beach resort after all.” Sister Charity smiled. Doing Lord’s work was its own reward, but physical exertion took a toll even on His most willing servants. She nodded gratefully and smiled. „We don’t want to end up in situation where the spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.” She was almost out of the earshot when she heard „Just don’t let brother Ignatius burn the whole town!”

    There you go, hope you liked it.

  29. Alchemist64 on 23 December 2013, 18:03 said:

    Best. spite fics. EVER.

  30. Brendan Rizzo on 26 December 2013, 09:32 said:

    That was awesome, particularly in that there is no noticeable difference between Bethany’s narration here and in the actual book.

  31. goldedge on 1 January 2014, 23:40 said:

    i have the feeling that Aphrodite was supposed to be the villain of this series but someone (probably mommy Cast) changed it because it was cliche

  32. TMary on 9 December 2016, 08:31 said:

    I know this is old, but…

    They used Enya.

    ENYA.

    They took one of my favorite musicians of all time and used her music in their stupid rituals in this vile abomination of a book.

    Have either of you ever even listened to Enya, Casts? Have you? Or do you vaguely know that she’s some kind of New Age thing and also a woman so automatically awesome?

    Are you aware that she is essentially Christian, though not of any denomination? Are you aware that her music is for peace and meditation and all things spiritually good, not for creepy sociopathic blood-drinking cults?

    Is she a freaking vampire in your stupid freaking book series?

    Enya should sue. Or, better yet, I could just stake the Casts.