This review is brought to you by Spanman, whose comments are italicized, and Diamonte, both of whom spent money, time and, more importantly, a couple of IQ points between them to make sure y’all are informed.

New Moon is just as lifeless as the vampires it portrays, and yet I willingly volunteered to go to the New Moon premier. I was stuck for two hours in a theatre of chattering fan girls. At least I wasn’t the only one who despised the experience – many of the teenagers had dragged along their utterly bored boyfriends, probably to teach these poor men how to be more like Edward.

I had the somewhat less harrowing experience of going to see New Moon on opening day. The audience was generally split between fangirls and people who were just there for the lulz. I saw no males, and for that I am relieved. No self-respecting guy should ever have to go through what went on in that theater.

In the row behind me, two teenagers were using swear words so excessively that I wondered if they just discovered the art of cursing yesterday. They sounded more like gibbering parrots than humans. Sadly, they seemed to be two of the more intelligent people in the room, as the rest were having vapid discussions of “Oh em gee, like who is hotter?” With every passing minute, my desire for brain bleach and a bottle of vodka grew stronger, and the previews hadn’t even started rolling yet. The fan girls howled like carnivorous hyenas as the previews began to roll, and when the title sequence flashed onto the screen, the squeals reached almost deafening proportions. I made a mental note that if I ever attend another Twilight film, I will bring earplugs.

How glad I am that I ended up going a day later with all the only moderately interested folks.

When the moon had vanished from the screen, Bella’s opening monologue began, and Kirsten Stewart’s lines are just as dismally dry as last time around. She sounds as if she’s reciting a grocery list, and with every word, you can hear her asking herself, “Why am I in this film?” The movie opens with Bella’s dream sequence, as she sees herself as an elderly woman with Edward next to her. The sparkling still looks like Edward got involved in a glitter fight with a pack of preschoolers.

I thought the dream sequence didn’t convey any of the horror Bella attested to feeling in that same scene in the book. Oh, but I’ve forgotten; Kristen Stewart has a very hard time conveying any emotion at all in this film.

A dismal start to a boring movie of pausing. And pausing. And some abs. And more pausing.

“Why don’t we add in a little more pausing there, and ramp up the awkwardness a bit, just to see how much we can get away with?”

When Bella wakes up, it’s her birthday and her father Charlie is there with a couple of presents. Bella reacts to this with a little bored smirk and says something to the effect of “I thought I said no presents.” When Charlie makes an excuse, Bella accepts the gifts with no emotion and little gratitude. Charlie remains one of the best characters in the way that he manages to still be endearing when he encounters awkward situations where he simply does not know what make of Bella. Everyone else just adores her no matter what, apparently.

When Bella is at school the next morning, she’s utterly bored by her friends. No wonder they give up talking to her, as she’s too busy watching her boyfriend, whose make-up makes him look like the love child of Bozo the Clown and a Drag Queen. This movie, apparently, has a sick sense of humor. There are plenty of hypocritical lines within it, offering themselves up like easy bait for snark. “Maybe I shouldn’t be dating such an old man,” said Bella. “It’s gross.” Truer words have never been uttered, but as we all know from the first movie, It’s Okay To Date 109 Year Old Men If They’re Hot And It’s True Love ™. So Edward and Bella continue on after the line, ignoring any implications of the truth that Bella has spoken.

Jacob shows up to wish Bella a happy birthday, and they exchange some playful, sometimes painfully awkward banter. Bella comments on how buff Jacob’s gotten all of a sudden, reminding us all that he’s only sixteen. He gives her a dreamcatcher as a gift. Let me just pause here and give the screenwriters a high-five for being so imaginative.

As they wander through the utterly bland halls of Forks High School, Bella looks like a robot. Her face appears to be incapable of forming any emotions other than utter boredom. She must be either a robot designed to take over the world by boring humanity to death, or she’s just started earlier than most with botox treatments. As the narm levels of this movie grow to toxic heights, I can no longer contain myself and burst out laughing while Bella and Edward are watching Romeo and Juliet in their English class. While Edward talks about how difficult it is for a vampire to kill himself, he sheds a single tear, a crystalline diamond that trickles out of the corner of his amber topaz-hued orb.

How could I have missed the tear?!

Bella soon swoops in with a line about how she will protect Edward. But before you think that this movie might actually give Miss Fragile Swan some backbone, Edward shoots her a condescending grin, like the expression I use when looking down at a puppy.

Oh silly moviegoer, how naive you must be if you thought that this movie might be an improvement!

It is in this Romeo and Juliet scene that the teacher spots Edward and Bella talking, and irritably asks Edward to recite the last six or so lines of the play as punishment for disrupting, which he does without hesistating or, indeed, even thinking, which appears to greatly unsettle the teacher. Oh, Edward. Your exhaustive knowledge of tragic romances must be foresight into your relationship with Bella. Or so we wish.

Even the fan girls begin to crumble under the utter stupidity of this movie. After the whole scene of Bella’s birthday and Jasper going into kill-mode, she and Edward share a kiss. Snickers rose in the theater as they start to moan.

We’re led to believe that Bella is worried that Edward is drawing away from her, and that Edward is getting as much make-out time as he can before he quits her.

By this time, I feel like I’ve been stuck in this movie for at least an hour. But it’s only been twenty minutes. The next scene is Edward finally leaving Bella, and when he leaves, she curls up into a little ball on the ground as the camera spins around her. A note to future moviemakers: Rotating the camera in circles while zooming in on an actor does not make up for the actor’s inability to express a human emotion outside of ennui. When she is shown back inside her room, the director again resorts to this rotating the camera around her. It makes me feel like I’m inside some love struck teenager’s ode to the Matrix, if the Matrix came chock full of rainbow goodness and unicorns.

Once the months have passed by after Edward leaving, we see Bella screaming into her pillow, and the narm once again spikes. I had to stifle my laughter with my hands, because she sounds like she’s in the midst of childbirth or really good sex, rather than filled with sorrow.

I don’t think even I can scream like that. It sounded like she was ripping apart her vocal chords to crank those out. And every time a scene like this pops up, Charlie runs in to wake her up and comfort her. She doesn’t deserve you, man.

Soon after this, Bella goes to a zombie movie with Jessica, who along with the rest of her Forks High School friends, has become more extreme than she was in the last movie. Though it seems like the director was working very hard to make her friends seem normal, he may have gone a little bit overboard with them. Bella catches a glimpse of Edward’s smouldering visage when she walks a little too close to some dangerous-looking bikers. Promptly, she jumps onto one of the motorcylces and asks to be taken on a ride. You make your own conclusions.

And off goes Bella to Jacob Black’s loving arms. To express her depression, Kirsten Stewart punctuates her dialog with as many sighs as possible, and her eyebrows crinkle together a little, but not enough to ruin her perfect forehead with a wrinkle. If you haven’t already noticed, the film at least has a very good grasp on the intelligence of its watchers. By this time, it has bashed you in the head with metaphors and comparisons to Romeo and Juliet. These references are as deep as Bella’s personality. The moviemakers have also began adding in references to werewolves, just to make sure that you aren’t at all surprised by Jacob’s transformation when it comes.

Bella and Jacob begin spending time together, and they rebuild some rusty motorcycles that Bella bought. When they’ve prepared the bikes, Bella tries test-driving one, to get her ‘adrenaline rush’ in order to see Edward. As her defining personality trait, clumsiness, makes its entrance into the film, Bella crashes on the side of the road and collapses into a crumpled pile. Jacob speeds over to her, and her forehead is marked with some blood. So he pulls off his shirt to clean off the scrape, issuing more fan-service to the howling teenagers that litter are the audience. This movie probably contains more minutes of shirtless men traipsing around the countryside than soft porn movies (not that I’ve seen any).

Jacob: Your head!
Bella: I’m bleeding…Oh… sorry.
Jacob: You’re apologising for bleeding?
Bella: Yeah, I guess.
Jacob: Don’t worry. It’s no big deal. pulls off shirt and dabs Bella’s wound with it
Bella: You know… you’re sorta beautiful.
Jacob: How hard did you hit your head?

I’m sure most of you have seen this scene already, but I couldn’t help writing it down here to convey exactly how Bella gets herself into deep shit by saying dumb things spur-of-the-moment.

As Queen Bella finally stoops down to talk to some of the lowly high-school mortals she used to sit with, most of them are smart enough to ignore her banter, but Mike is once again suckered in. So she goes to the movies with him and Jacob. While Mike is off worshiping the porcelain king, Jacob and Bella have a heart to heart about their feelings, and the scene makes me wonder if I accidentally entered some movie theater playing a Days of Our Lives marathon (complete with painful silences and angsty sighs). The dialog itself is clunky, and there are probably third-graders who could write better scenes. Actually, George Lucas wrote more entertaining love scenes than this drivel.

This was actually my favourite lil’ romantic scene in the entire movie, mostly because for the entire duration of it, no one makes out with anyone else. Taylor Lautner has bad and good acting moments interchangeably throughout the the film, but especially here.

Once Mike emerges from the bathroom, Jacob loses control and acts very aggressively toward Mike, his mood swinging in an instant. Not exactly like an angered dog, more like a PMSing woman.

Jacob then proceeds to not answer any of Bella’s calls, and his father makes excuses for him, saying he has mono. But when Bella shows up at Jacob’s house to see him whether he’s sick or not, he tells her to get lost. It’s the first and last really smart thing Jacob does in this film, but you can’t help but like him anyway.

After the movie (that one, not the one I’m watching, the ones the characters we’re watching were watching uh – you know what I mean), Bella wanders into a meadow alone and suddenly decides to add another gesture to her small pool of expressions when she encounters Laurent. She flutters her eyelashes madly while talking to the vampire with the dreadlocks who is not in any way portrayed as a stereotypical black person. Not at all.

But his hair was amazing, you must admit.

As Laurent moves in for the kill, the werewolves show up in the nick of time, and the badly done special effects cause me to lose my composure once again. They want to be large, frightening monsters, but they look like stuffed animals moving around. I’m convinced that teletubbies are more ferocious than these oversized poodles.

Most of the animation was so-so throughout the film, but the very first time that we see a wolf coming out of the woods towards Laurent, the special affects were what can only be described as abysmal. Now I know which corners they cut in order to get New Moon released only a year after Twilight.

There’s some more running around shirtless by the chest hair-lacking Calvin Klein models, and it appears that the producers of this movie seriously believed a handful of shirtless men make up for a non-existent plot. As they chase around Victoria, I realize that this movie has one redeeming quality: The vampires no longer look like windmills as their legs swoop and hit the ground. It’s disappointing, really, as I was looking forward to laughing at that part.

Fragile Swann now goes to her perform her famous cliff dive. When she jumps in the water, the klutz bumps her head against a stone, proving once again that she’s Too Stupid to Live. Now, narm kicks into overdrive. Soft rock begins playing as Bella sees Edward drifting by her, and some of the fangirls join in the laughter.

I wondered why the music sounded so lighthearted at that moment, since Bella was drowning and all. Jacob rescues the moment from becoming a reasonably happy and complete death scene by grabbing Bella out of the water and asking her what the hell she was thinking. The answer, we must assume, is that she wasn’t thinking at all.

As I mentioned before, this movie actually has some truth-filled lines within it, however, they are utterly ignored by Bella. Alice, once again solidifying her place as my favorite of these vampires, calls Bella out on her “life-threatening idiocy”. Thank you, Alice. Thank you for instilling this pathetic movie with some sense. Unfortunately, the moment of intelligence fades too soon. Edward makes his phone call to see what happened to Bella after her cliff-diving. The fan girls start screeching once more as Jacob tells hims Charlie is at the funeral. Alice whisks Bella off to Italy to go save Edward. But not before Jacob pops in once more, to show that he’s taken some tips from Edward Cullen on how to be over-protective! Even one of my Twilight fans leaned over during Jacob’s speech to whisper in my ear about how he was like a “little puppy dog that just won’t go away”.

Or like a guy who doesn’t want Bella to go ruin her life chasing a control-freak vampire.

It’s amazing how little I care about Bella as she and Alice race to Volterra to stop Edward from running into the sunlight and exposing himself to the humans. Sigh.

Bella saves him. Sigh.

But Edward still is taken off to the Volturi. Sigh.

And this is where Jane finally steps in. I thought she was a compelling character, but her portrayal by Dakota Fanning is as unconvincing as I expected it to be. Although she’s loaded up with black makeup layered around her eyes like soot, I can’t buy her as Jane. Sigh. Edward has somehow acquired one of those scarlet cloaks that everyone is wearing, the ones that look a lot like a bathrobe. He stands there looking sullen as Aro approaches him and begins talking about Bella and her awesomeness. The logical part of my brain (which I thought was on its way to dying), kicks in and asks why Aro is discussing this now, rather than when he first met Edward. Oh well. I’m too bored to care.

It is still not explained why none of the vampires’ mind powers work on Bella, which is a bit tiring since it’s one of the only plot points that isn’t explained by the end of the movie. Also, besides Aro and Jane, the Volturi are stiff and unbelievable, like someone pulled them out of a closet and brushed a hundred years of dust off them before propping them around the room at symetrical points.

After this comes an added fight scene between some of the members of the Volturi clan and the two Cullens. I again have the sensation that I’ve been thrown into an awful remake of the Matrix, with slow-motion moments that utterly fail and add nothing to my interest. Even some of the fan girls are getting bored by New Moon, and they’re fidgeting in their seats

The fighting comes to an end and Alice promises to make sure that Bella is changed into a vampire. Aro approaches her and grabs her hand to see if she’s correct, if Bella will turn into a vampire. The scene that Alice shows Aro is my favorite moment in the whole movie. I swear it’s pulled from Headtrip’s illustration of “Let us Frolic!”, because Bella and Edward are skipping through the forest, Edward in some faux-sweater vest, and Bella clothed in a dress inspired by the fifties. It’s the crowning moment of narm, and for a moment, I actually felt that my laughter was worth the $6.50 ticket.

But the moment ends too soon, and Bella travels back home. She once again acts like a brat to Charlie, and skips out to the woods to see Jacob.

Edward and Jacob have an ignore-that-Bella’s-right-here discussion, in which Edward attempts to be nice and Jacob does not. Bella, inevitably, chooses Edward over Jacob. After Jacob leaves, Bella makes an attempt to persuade Edward to turn her into a vampire. He agrees, on one condition.

“Marry me.”

Cut to Bella’s horrified face. Cut to credits. End of movie. No conclusion whatsoever.

I couldn’t believe it. I swear, everyone in the theater was laughing their heads off by that time. One thing I will say about this film – the new director knows how to crank out the lulz even better than Catherine Hardwicke did.

The movie is, overall, just as disappointing as I expected, but more narm-filled than I expected. Between the long pauses of absolute nothing, there’s plenty of male objectification, long pauses of absolute nothing and bland, lifeless actors.

So long, Twilight Saga, until next time.

Tagged as:


  1. swenson on 23 November 2009, 11:24 said:

    Wow. You martyrs. I… I can only bow to your amazing fortitude and pray that some day, I, too, can be as courageous as you two.

    Anyway, great review! Now I really, really don’t want to see this movie… as if I wanted to earlier. Oh well, I’ll wait for the Rifftrax version.

  2. Puppet on 23 November 2009, 12:22 said:

    Hahahaha, great review. :D

    *Hands out Brain Bleach™ to Dia and Spanman *

  3. NeuroticPlatypus on 23 November 2009, 12:52 said:

    That was great! It sounds a lot unintentionally funnier than the first one at least, if not even more stupid.

  4. Kyllorac on 23 November 2009, 14:42 said:

    You poor, martyred souls. XD

    I, too, await the Rifftrax. :3

  5. Marquis De Carabas on 23 November 2009, 16:18 said:

    Good review, guys. And yes, Alice’s vision of Edward and Bella frollicking was hilarious.

  6. Snow White Queen on 23 November 2009, 16:28 said:

    Wow. I don’t envy you guys at all.

    Although it’s saying something that even the fans were bored by the end.

  7. Pearl on 23 November 2009, 16:59 said:

    Great review. I can’t wait until I see it for myself.

  8. Danielle on 23 November 2009, 19:29 said:

    I thank you for sacrificing your time, dignity and brain cells—all to warn us before we spend our hard-earned cash for the lulz.

    PS: The Headtrip illustration is one of my favorite Twilight parodies EVER.

  9. RandomX2 on 23 November 2009, 21:20 said:

    I’m actually considering watching it now, just because it sounds so terrible.

    “…the special ‘e’ffects were what can only be described as abysmal” Found a typo :)

  10. Steph (what is left) on 23 November 2009, 21:31 said:

    No wonder they give up talking to her, as she’s too busy watching her boyfriend, whose make-up makes him look like the love child of Bozo the Clown and a Drag Queen.

    You guys know how much I love you, right?

    Well, I think that sentence alone just upped that level to stalkeriffic heights.

  11. Nate Winchester on 23 November 2009, 22:24 said:

    You guys know how much I love you, right?
    Well, I think that sentence alone just upped that level to stalkeriffic heights.

    And in fighting Twilight we have become it…

    I had the somewhat less harrowing experience of going to see New Moon on opening day. The audience was generally split between fangirls and people who were just there for the lulz. I saw no males, and for that I am relieved. No self-respecting guy should ever have to go through what went on in that theater.

    Hah! The joke’s on you! I have no self respect!


  12. Jackie Jones on 23 November 2009, 23:00 said:

    Good wording, I enjoy your comments, and I totally and completely agree with some of your observations, but come on! Have you read the books? If so, you would understand many of the important scenes and dialogue in this spectacular movie.

  13. swenson on 23 November 2009, 23:21 said:

    Understanding why things are the way they are doesn’t make the scenes any better, though. I read the books (and, I must admit, didn’t entirely dislike them the first time) and… well, from what I’ve heard of the movie, it really only portrayed exactly what the books do. In the books, Bella becomes absolutely (and unhealthily) fixated on Edward, ignoring healthy, normal friendships and relationships. She treats her father like dirt 95% of the time, and treats Jacob, her best friend and the guy who single-handedly managed to save her from depression, even worse.

    So… I can’t really see how the movie could possibly put a good spin on it, and from what I’ve heard, it didn’t, really.

  14. Spanman on 23 November 2009, 23:22 said:

    I have indeed read the books, JJ, and I understand the gist behind all of the scenes and dialogue. What I do not understand is why these godawful books were allowed to be made into still worse films.

    @Nate: No, you still lose.

  15. SlyShy on 23 November 2009, 23:33 said:

    My seal of approval approves.

  16. Steph (what is left) on 24 November 2009, 01:28 said:

    Lol @ Sly and Nate.

  17. SlyShy on 24 November 2009, 12:44 said:

    Jackie, everyone here has read the books. It was rather akin to having hot candle wax dripped onto my oh-so-sensitive pupils.

  18. Headless Unicorn Guy on 24 November 2009, 12:57 said:

    <i>It is still not explained why none of the vampires’ mind powers work on Bella, which is a bit tiring since it’s one of the only plot points that isn’t explained by the end of the movie.</i>

    Maybe for the Sparklepires’ mind powers to work, YOU NEED A MIND FOR THEM TO WORK ON?

    P.S. What was the age distribution of the Screaming Twitards at the screening? Any Twimoms or Twigrandmoms with blue hair and “BITE ME EDWARD!” T-shirts?

  19. Rocky on 24 November 2009, 13:30 said:

    Jackie, everyone here has read the books.

    That would be a big negatory, sir. Snippets and excerpts are all I can stand.

  20. Romantic Vampire Lover on 24 November 2009, 14:31 said:

    Cut to Bella’s horrified face. Cut to credits. End of movie. No conclusion whatsoever.

    WHAT?! That’s a horrible ending. It just screams “WATCH THE NEXT MOVIE. JUST IN CASE YOU WEREN’T PLANNING TO!”

    I am super impressed that you two managed to stay in that theater for the entire two and a half hours! This review was much appreciated; thanks much. :D

  21. Snow White Queen on 24 November 2009, 14:43 said:

    Cut to Bella’s horrified face. Cut to credits. End of movie.

    Hmmm. thoughtful face I wonder if she’s going to say yes…

  22. Spanman on 24 November 2009, 16:08 said:

    She doesn’t. She doesn’t say yes for an entire book. And for a host of dumb reasons (“I don’t want to be seen as one of those dumb girls who gets married right out of high school.” “I want to have sex with you before you turn me,” etc, etc.).

  23. SlyShy on 24 November 2009, 17:44 said:

    “I don’t want to be seen as one of those dumb girls who gets married right out of high school.”

    Hoboy, I shouldn’t open that can of worms.

  24. swenson on 24 November 2009, 18:48 said:

    Maybe for the Sparklepires’ mind powers to work, YOU NEED A MIND FOR THEM TO WORK ON?

    @Headless Unicorn Guy (HUG?) – nice. Very nice.

  25. Jackie Jones on 24 November 2009, 23:19 said:

    okay gezz people, you dont have to slam on the books, were talking about the movie here. and rocky: you dont make sense. Niether do you slyshy… and spanman…its not my problem you dont like the books. I did say i enjoyed the review, and it pointed out some low points in the movie, it was that i liked the movie is all im saying

  26. Spanman on 24 November 2009, 23:32 said:

    Sorry Jackie, but I mentioned the books because you asked if I had read them. We’re certainly not going to throw you to the wolves simply because you liked the movie, so there’s no need to get defensive. :)

  27. Steph (what is left) on 25 November 2009, 03:16 said:

    Headless Unicorn Guy, I LOVE your username!

  28. Artimaeus on 25 November 2009, 13:37 said:

    The moviemakers have also began adding in references to werewolves, just to make sure that you aren’t at all surprised by Jacob’s transformation when it comes.

    They spoil the transformation sequence in the trailer. From what I’ve read about the movie, the trailer has the same amount of plot with the virtue of better pacing.

  29. Wizard of Toast on 25 November 2009, 13:42 said:

    awesome. thank you for your honesty. nothing makes me lulz harder the all the (professional) reviews for this movie out there that go along the lines of *AMAZINGZ, LYKE ITZ PEERE GEENIUIZ

  30. Artimaeus on 25 November 2009, 19:00 said:

    The film has a 30% rating on Rotten Tomatoes, so clearly not all of the film critics are idiots.

  31. Wizard of Toast on 25 November 2009, 23:41 said:

    no definetly not all…im proud to say my towns paper called it out for the absoloute dung that it is

  32. Pearl on 29 November 2009, 17:06 said:

    I saw it last night. There were no squeals or ooh-la-las but plenty of giggles. And the kissing scenes were really awkward. There were lots of awkward scenes.
    I never got the feeling that Bella had even sort of fallen in love with Jacob, like I had thought from the books.
    Disclaimer: Not all of it was bad. I enjoyed parts here and there.

  33. ZeeZee on 1 December 2009, 00:28 said:

    My friends and I went and saw New Moon, but the fans who sat behind us were really annoyed. This was mainly because every time a shirtless guy came onscreen, we burst out laughing. We spent 3/4 of the movie laughing.

  34. Danielle on 1 December 2009, 00:34 said:

    My friends and I went and saw New Moon, but the fans who sat behind us were really annoyed. This was mainly because every time a shirtless guy came onscreen, we burst out laughing. We spent 3/4 of the movie laughing.

    A guy I know saw it and said the action sequences were really good, but every time the vampires sparkled, he couldn’t help laughing. “With the girls it’s kind of cool,” he said, “but with the guys it’s like ‘Okay, dude….you are a dude, right?’”

  35. Spanman on 4 December 2009, 13:37 said:

    I got yelled at for being too loud when I went to see it a second time with other friends. D: I felt kind of bad about it, but the lady apologised for snapping at me after the film was over. XP

  36. Tolly on 9 December 2009, 23:58 said:

    Well, any miniscule desire I ever had to see this movie was just mauled to death.

    (When I finished the NaNo, I decided to take my sister to the movies to celebrate a.) me surviving the NaNo and b.) her getting a job that doesn’t suck. I wanted to see 2012. She wanted to see New Moon. We compromised and went to see Michael Jackson. THANK CHRIST.)

  37. AliceCullenfan on 16 December 2009, 19:06 said:

    I think all who diss New Moon are wrong. I loved it, and please whatever you don’t don’t diss Alice Cullen, Jasper Hale, Carlisle and Esme Cullen or Emmett Cullen or Rosalie Hale,Sam, Emily, the pack…they are all great characters. For all who don’t care for Edward and Bella I can agree with you there. The movie was a thousand times better than the first and New Moon was more true to the book than Twilight was. I really did like the ending where Edward asks Bella to Marry Him, and I liked the fact it cut to credits because It was a cliffhanger and It will keep those Twilighters like myself anxious to see the next one. I think it is pretty good, although I kinda prefer the books more, execpt the last one Breaking Dawn, that was a major downer. Well that is all I have to say.

  38. Danielle on 16 December 2009, 19:13 said:


    Like pretty much the entire series, the characters you all claim are “great” probably would’ve been great in a capable author’s hands. Meyer, however, is no more a capable author than I am trained electrician. So instead of being dazzled by the brilliance of her plot and prose, I was more left sitting in the dark, saying “What the heck!”

    And that’s all I have to say.

  39. Wizard of Toast on 16 December 2009, 22:17 said:

    i think the only character that could even be mildly interesting with a competent writer is Alice. And Breaking Dawn makes me wanna puke, its so disugsting. What bothers me is that Smeyer is all NU SMEX BEFORE MARRAGE but had no problemo with the “Edward rips baby out of Bella” or the “ Im Jacob in love with a new born and well be able to be together then shes SEVEN because shell LOOK seventeen” parts.

  40. Puppet on 16 December 2009, 23:31 said:

    Yeah… I kind of liked Alice in the books, she was somewhat of a interesting character.


  41. No one. on 18 December 2009, 22:17 said:

    I’m under 13, so I’m not allowed to read it… yet…
    Is the Twilight series really that bad? Should I put it under the Forbidden category?

    All the girls in my class (except for my best friend) are smitten with Twilight series. They regarded me as weird because I was not interested at all.


  42. swenson on 18 December 2009, 22:28 said:

    They aren’t bad books in the sense of immoral or anything, just… well, there are much, much more well-written books to read out there. If you like vampire fantasy, there’s some great series out there that are much better than Twilight. If you just want ideas of things to read in general, here’s a short list of some really good teen/young adult books:

    Percy Jackson and the Olympians series, by Rick Riordan
    The Chronicles of Narnia series, by C. S. Lewis
    Artemis Fowl series, by Eoin Colfer
    Uglies, by Scott Westerfield (actually, pretty much everything of Scott Westerfield’s is great!)
    The Bloody Jack series, by someone I forget at the moment
    Redwall (and the entire Redwall series), by Brian Jacques (these might be classified more as children’s books, but I’m 17 and still love them!)
    A Series of Unfortunate Events, by Lemony Snicket
    The Princess Bride, by William Goldman (one of the funniest books you’ll ever read, guaranteed! There’s an amazing movie of it, too, even if it is a touch old)
    The Hobbit/The Lord of the Rings, by J. R. R. Tolkien
    The Wizard of Oz books, by L. Frank Baum (a little known fact is that The Wonderful Wizard of Oz is only the first of fourteen books!)
    Ella Enchanted, by Gail Carson Levine
    The Secret of Platform 13, by Eva Ibbotson
    The True Confessions of Charlotte Doyle, by Avi
    Tales of the Frog Princess, by E. D. Baker (very funny!)

    Hope this helps. Maybe you can convince your friends/classmates to read some of these as well!

  43. No one. on 18 December 2009, 22:36 said:

    Wow, I didn’t expect someone to reply so soon!

    I’ve already read some of the books you’ve mentioned (A Series of Unfortunate Events, Tales of the Frog Princess – trying to find the last book, The Wizard of Oz, Chronicles of Narnia and I own the movie Princess Bride)

    Thanks for the recommendations!

  44. No one. on 18 December 2009, 22:54 said:

    I own the movie Princess Bride

    I mean, a DVD of the movie. Not to mention I lost the DVD when I was half-way through the movie.


  45. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 22:55 said:

    I second everything swenson said and add….

    Ultimate Spiderman comics
    Ultimate X-Men comics
    The Circle trilogy by Ted Dekker
    Blink (might be Blink of an Eye; check Amazon) by Ted Dekker
    Thr3e by Ted Dekker

    Basically, Ted Dekker is a great author (although I’d suggest you avoid Obsessed and Adam specifically until you’re older, as they’re quite scary) and comic books are always nice. CS Lewis also wrote some other fantasy, including….

    Till We Have Faces
    The Space Trilogy
    The Screwtape Letters

    And to answer your question, I’d say…yeah. Put them in the Forbidden category. At least until you’re older and more grounded in your beliefs (namely, the belief that a girl can be happy without a guy in her life and that no girl should ever jump off a cliff because her guy is gone, no matter how attractive he is). And like swenson said, there is MUCH more well-written stuff out there, so don’t waste your time on Twilight.

  46. No one. on 18 December 2009, 22:58 said:


    I know there’s more better stories out there. Tamora Pierce and Cornelia Funke’s stories are top-notch.

    If my experience are anything to go by, Twilight and I will be like drugs and alchohol combination… or oil with fire, or maybe too much alchohol and driving?

    I’m babbling here. See ya.

  47. Diamonte on 18 December 2009, 23:00 said:

    Come join the forums to babble on. =D We encourage off-topicness and general impish behavior.

  48. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 23:02 said:

    Well, then, welcome to the site, O Young One. (Mind if I call you that?) If you’re curious about the books but don’t want the alcohol/drugs effect they might have on you, read what some of the brilliant minds on this site have to say about them. (Yes, Kitty, SlyShy and whoever else wrote a Twilight sporking, I called you brilliant. Give me cookies. :D) You’ll laugh…you’ll cry…and you’ll be smarter than your classmates, for sure.

  49. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:07 said:

    O Young One? Well, at least the nickname’s not as bad as Piglet.

    (I don’t mind btw)


  50. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 23:10 said:

    You’re 13, which makes you younger than me, which makes you O Young One.

    If you want to shorten it, it’s OYO.

    Which sounds kind of like O NO!


    Yeah, you’re O Young One.

  51. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:23 said:

    OYO!? rofl

    As much as I would love to say I’m 13, I can’t because I’m too honest, therefore I’ll admit I’m 12.

    How old are you to call me OYO? Shall I call you O Elder one?

  52. Puppet on 18 December 2009, 23:26 said:

    Heh, I’m not the only 12-year-old on the site… >.>

    Anyways, I think you should read most of the books that are recommended above and then read Twilight, that way you have a comparison between good literature and bad literature.

  53. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 23:27 said:

    I am not 12.

    I am not 40.

    If you can correctly guess my age, I will give you a virtual cookie.

    And no, I do not object to being called O Elder One. :P

  54. Diamonte on 18 December 2009, 23:28 said:

    Most of us are floating somewhere between 16-20, with Puppet as our adorable youngest member.

  55. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:31 said:

    Are you 38?

    25? 36? Older than 40? Younger than 40? Above 30? Around 25?

    O Elder One is a mouthful and a bit long to type. How about OEO?

    Sounds like the wailing sound of an firetruck. Oeeeeeoeeeeoeeee!

    What, Puppet’s 12? Seriously? I thought you were older.

  56. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 23:33 said:

    25? I’m flattered. Most people who see me face-to-face think I’m 16.

    Join the forums, OYO, and we can further discuss the merits of shouting OOOOYOOOOYOOO vs. OOOOOOEEEEEEOOOOOEEEEE!

  57. Diamonte on 18 December 2009, 23:33 said:

    Actually, OEO makes me think of the Wizard of Oz.

  58. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:36 said:

    Sorry about my latest comment. I went a bit bonkers. I love cookies, even if they’re virtual. If they’re virtual, I can save it and stare at it until I’m hungry.

    @Puppet: Are you 12? Really, actually, literally 12 years old? Not older? Because when I read your articles, you sure don’t sound like you’re 12, more like…. 16-18 years old. No offence meant.

    Which of us are younger? You or me?

  59. Puppet on 18 December 2009, 23:37 said:

    Haha, I thought the same for you.

    You are more intelligent and mature than the Twilight fans that have come on this site, most of them just spam and leave, it’s nice to see a person who will actually stay and have a nice conversation.

  60. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:39 said:

    BTW How do I join the forum again? Last time I joined ImpishIdea, it changed. And I’m afraid I was naive when I first joined in.

    Thanks for the compliment! (You are more intelligent and mature line)

  61. Diamonte on 18 December 2009, 23:41 said:

    There’s a link on the main page, or here you go:

  62. Puppet on 18 December 2009, 23:42 said:

    You just apply for a account, fill in the boxes and eventually a admin will confirm you. Usually it happens pretty fast, but at most it may take up to a day, due to the different timezones, or if the admins aren’t one, etc.

  63. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 23:43 said:

    Just go to the forums and apply for an account. I thought it involved some sort of mysterious ritual, but it didn’t. :P

    And he’s right. Most Twilight fangirls just show up, post something like “UR RONG EDWARD IS TOTALEE HOTT!!!! U JUST WISH UR BF WAS MOR LIK EDWARD!!!!” and leave. You seem more….level-headed than that.

  64. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:47 said:

    Wow…. Thanks! Really flattered here.

    What mysterious ritual?

    And do Twilight fangirls actually do that? And please don’t say they actually said Edward is a total hottie because Edward looks more like a ….. average boy.

    Thanks for directing me to the account.

  65. Puppet on 18 December 2009, 23:54 said:

    Most of the time we can’t even understand what they are saying…

  66. No one. on 18 December 2009, 23:55 said:

    Oh ‘scuse me, I better run and leave the computer for a while since a lot of Twilight fangirls are after my blood and my head on a silver platter since I insulted Twilight in, apparently, the worse way possible.

    And they said I insulted Twilight by saying Twilight sucks and Edward looks like an average boy.

    (T^T) Help.

  67. Danielle on 18 December 2009, 23:57 said:

    Use the Force, O Young One.

    And by the Force, I mean the frying pan sitting on your stove.

    I trust my meaning is clear.

  68. Puppet on 18 December 2009, 23:58 said:

    Hahahah… these are 12-year-olds girls talking about Twilight?

    By the way, a admin just approved your account, so you can post now, No One.

  69. No one. on 19 December 2009, 00:04 said:

    12, 13 and 14 years old girls. And seriously, they ARE chasing me. Words goes around really fast here. (And FYI, I used a pillow to fend them off. Nearest thing I could grab and throw without breaking it.

    Post what? Comments?

    And did the admin announce it out for everyone to hear? Like, put a banner on the website saying a new member has joined in? I better look at the forums.

    … does everyone know here? 0_0

  70. Diamonte on 19 December 2009, 00:05 said:

    Puppet has special powers of knowledge, as he is the brother of the One who Rules Us All.

  71. Spanman on 19 December 2009, 00:08 said:

    I specifically remember being a pretty dumb 12-year-old. Nice to know that not everyone is.

  72. No one. on 19 December 2009, 00:09 said:

    One who Rules Us All?

    Who, SlyShy? SWQ? Legion? No, wait, Legion is an admin isn’t he?

    Oh wait, I read somewhere that Slyshy created this website.

    Slyshy the One who Rules Us All?

    BTW I’m curious about what happened to GG, or Grinchly Green.

    Arya and Julia (the twins) seemed like two interesting people.

    And who is the dumb 12 years old kid?

    Puppet, a little brother to Slyshy? (or whoever the One who Rules Us All is.)

  73. Puppet on 19 December 2009, 00:12 said:

    You know about GG…?
    Haha, Legion is a girl and sadly has left our ranks to Have a Life™.

  74. Spanman on 19 December 2009, 00:16 said:

    So many questions!

    You should join the forum and make an intro thread with all of your questions in it, so everyone can give you different answers to them and confuse you greatly. :D

  75. No one. on 19 December 2009, 00:22 said:

    Ok. Already done. Although it’s not a intro thread…

    Nevermind. See ya there!