(sorry for the delay everyone – been having catastrophic computer issues as well as some life incidents that have kept me away)

Ah Twilight… Truly you are the gift that keeps on giving.

I said in a podcast that this was going to be the best of the movies, and boy did it not disappoint. This is one of the most batshit insane films I’ve seen – and not in the fun “crazy for loco’s sake” sense like David Lynch or Grant Morrison. No, this was far worse: the insanity that is so close to normal, you just feel your mind slowly unraveling. Remember that: any time you want to do terror or insanity or whatever in your audience, going too over-the-top can often numb them to it all. Make it close to normal. As close to normal yet still “off” as you can will drive the audience down whatever road you’re aiming for.

Speaking of writing, it is said that it is always better to show instead of tell. Yet we find in this movie that all things must be in moderation. It. Shows. Every. Damn. Thing shy of Edward interfacing with Bella on their wedding night. Even something that is “told” on screen ends up becoming seen eventually. No, I’m not exaggerating. By the end of the month (wait… what’s the movie’s running time again?) you will be convinced that there are times when it’s really best to tell your audience something instead of showing them.

Let me also commend the movie makers for making one of the most controversial films in recent memory. There’s almost no way one can express an opinion on any scene without having your dinner party fracture into a Hunger Games-esque battle of social and political issues.

Have I gone mad? Have I suffered a perverse form of Stockholm Syndrome and fallen in love with Twilight? Yes and no, respectively. Explanations will not follow.

The movie starts out with Bella’s and Edward’s wedding and… again we see hints of a better plot. The Cullens are preparing a glade in the woods for the ceremony by carrying around huge tree trunks. Why aren’t these guys in construction? Forget the stock market, do you realize how profitable a meyerpire construction company would be? You wouldn’t have to pay insurance or regulation fees for the employees. Would rarely need to rent equipment (and that you do rent will more likely be the smaller, lower priced tools) and you’d be able to accomplish your tasks in two days (a week at most). Carlisle would have a waiting list of clients longer than the Western canon. WHY ARE THESE VAMPIRES SO BORING?

Then we get to the wedding… what’s this? As you may remember from the previous movie (though you are well within sanity to repress it) Bella made an EXPLICIT point about how people perceive and think about girls that get married right out of high school at 18. She has something of a point. But then why invite all of her high school friends to her wedding? Hell, they weren’t even friends, they were more like… associates. Is she that concerned about saving face or did she want her girlfriends to be there so she could declare, “I win, bitches!” Hey, there’s a few vampires at the wedding. Did she just toss her “friends” into danger there? Wow, Bella. That’s just… wow. Speaking of which: why don’t vampires want to eat Bella’s parents? I know kids won’t smell exactly like their parents, but if Bella is the most appetizing human to walk the earth in awhile, why don’t her folks smell just a bit more tempting than usual to other vamps? If Bella is like… peanut butter and chocolate to meyerpires; why isn’t Papa Swan like peanut butter and Mama Swan like chocolate to them? (both very appetizing and hard to resist)

Then again, why do meyerpires smell at all? They’re dead. Breathing was shown as being “optional” for them in the previous movie when the horde of newborns crossed the water – they should only have to draw in air to speak or to sniff the air. So if the Cullens and that other coven (forgot their names) are so intent on not eating people… why don’t they just not smell? Once, I almost did a fan fic of “midnight sun.” In there I was going to depict Edward realizing Bella was “silent” to him and thinking she was another vampire. In that fateful biology classroom, he took a sniff to confirm her identity… and she was human. Years he had spent without even the scent of those delicious, juicy humans… and that moment in the classroom almost drove him back into a feeding frenzy. (Yep, Bella doesn’t have any special scent, he was just saying that like every boyfriend tells their girl an exaggeration or two.)

Where was I…

Oh right. Well the wedding does give us one bright moment with the TRUE star of Twilight: Billy Burke’s Mustache! (Mr BBM itself) Behold how it defies the suckiness around it and rises above, challenging, demanding to have a co-staring role with Liam Neeson in Taken 2: Take Harder. But even the human attached to Mr BBM does an outstanding job with such a limited role, and to him goes the best moment of the movie:

Bella: Don’t let me fall, Dad.

Charlie: Never.

Yes, I cried manly tears at that. And laughed at his toast/warning to Edward. Man, just imagine the story we could have had had Charlie been included on the “secret” of meyerpires and werewolves. Especially with the two factions trying to maintain some peace at the wedding. Billy, may you and your awesome mustache of awesomeness get the future roles you deserve (just don’t team up with Bruce Campbell, this mortal realm can’t handle epicness of that magnitude).

So during the reception we have… open mic toasting? Seriously? WTF? Just… I don’t even… WTF? I followed Inception better than this!

Moving on, we go to the honeymoon where the couple plays chess and plays chess (one of those is a metaphor). This is one bit where everyone crying that Edward raped Bella baffles me. The whole deal is like a group that watches a bird fly into a window repeatedly, who then scold the window. Anyone with a modicum of common sense and has spent the time around Edward that Bella has should understand that he’s incredibly strong and know that he’s “hard as marble.” (metaphor?) Yet she still demands he do his husbandry duties towards her. If anything, she’s a lot more rapey towards him. Thank goodness he didn’t have to sleep, who knows what she would have done to him.

And after one night of lovemaking, Bella ends up pregnant (guess that’s what happens from centuries of blue balls).

Oh the baby. The baby…

I’ll say it: Renesme (Nesie) is the most interesting thing in the whole damn series. And this movie does win some kudos from me for feeding my favorite theory about the series. See, I agree with You Are Bella that Nesie is the antichrist. And in my mind, Jacob never imprinted; she just used her powers to make him think he did. In the movie, we actually see Jacob glance at his “imprintee” when she’s first born with… no result. But then, when he’s going to kill her, then seeing her causes him to imprint. Coincidence? Hmmm…

Oh, and the Volturi have a cameo in the credits. Guess it’s a good thing they didn’t come to the wedding and eat all of the classmates.

Rifftrax wise, this was funny enough to be weaponized. Those who have followed the guys religiously (I’m not the only one, right?) know that sometimes when the riffing target has long, dull segments, the guys will break into sort of audio sketches to fill time. (Good example: Avatar) Of course, sometimes this works great and sometimes it doesn’t. (Examples of both: Avatar) Believe it or not, that’s NEVER a problem here. This movie never stops providing fuel for riffing. Have the pause button handy so you can stop laughing long enough to hear the next joke.

Best line from them?

Man, a little vampire foreplay and her neck snapped like a celery stalk.

Oh, and they do their Volturi impressions through the end credits. The ENTIRE end credits.

I tell ya, if we ever do an Impish Convention, I’m definitely doing a Twilight riff marathon over one night.

I can’t wait for part 2, it’s gonna be epic…

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  1. swenson on 5 April 2012, 14:07 said:

    That was surprisingly entertaining. And I’m pleased (pleased?) to see it’s just as nonsensical, if not moreso, than the book. At least in the book, I think Smeyer was consistent with the whole imprinting thing and Jacob never saw the Loch Ness Monstress until he actually imprinted her, as far as I recall. That seems strange they didn’t do that here.

    Also, all hail The Mustache of Power!

  2. Pryotra on 5 April 2012, 16:19 said:

    I’m definitely doing a Twilight riff marathon over one night.

    Oh, yes please!

    I still think that imprinting is just as scary from the point of view of the imprinter as from the imprintee. SMeyer’s idealization of the destruction of free will is actually really disturbing.

    And, yes, Charlie and Billy (and his mustache) are the best parts of the whole thing.

  3. Sweguy on 6 April 2012, 05:09 said:

    It almost seems like you enjoyed the movie. Maybe a little… TO MUCH enjoyment!

  4. Prince O' Tea on 6 April 2012, 13:43 said:

    I never got why Eddy purchased his lipbiting bride….

    What is quite frankly, the most fucking ugly engagement ring I have ever seen. You think the upside of an unhealthily obsessive relationship would be getting jewellery that doesn’t look like it came from the inside of a cereal box, but apparently not.