Before we start, let me scare away the weaker-stomached of you with a list that summarises Eclipse in a few simple, yet devastating words.

1. There is kissing.
2. There is a lot of kissing. This isn’t just Bella/Edward kissing. This is like everyone/everyone kissing. Trust me. It’s ugly.
3. Shirtless men.
4. Devastatingly good-looking people snarling at each other.
5. Someone kissing someone else.
6. Victoria’s hair. Everywhere.
7. People’s heads shattering into little diamondy pieces.
8. Did I mention the kissing?

I got it down to eight points. It was hard. I hope you’re having second thoughts about reading this review.

The film begins in Seattle, where we are shown a guy unwisely walking around dark alleyways in the pouring rain at night. Naturally, and to no one’s surprise, he gets chased for a while by something that moves very fast, and which bites him in the hand. While my fear of dark alleyways is fortified, said Nameless Guy screams on the wet pavement as the poison spreads.

As you may remember from the last movie, Edward popped the question at the end just before the credits rolled. When we cut to Forks at the beginning of Eclipse, he’s still popping the question. Over and over again. And Bella keeps saying no, for a myriad of silly reasons like “What will people think of me if I get married right out of high school? That I got knocked up”, and “Marriage is just a piece of paper.” What she should really do is get right down the the meat of the matter and tell Edward that he’s a prick. But alas, it’s not to be. It only takes her half the movie to accept him, on the terms that she gets to sleep with him before she gets turned. What? Does she have a death wish or something? Well, yes, but really. It’s just too much.

Here’s one of the things that made this movie enjoyable for me: Charlie. Charlie and his famed mustache. He and the mustache make several appearances throughout the movie, always the voice of common sense and awkward fatherhood. Charlie grounded Bella for running off to Italy in the last movie, and ungrounds her on the condition that she hang out with someone other than Edward for once, like Jacob. Too bad Jacob’s not talking to her! Or answering her calls. And she can’t see him either, because when she decides to go to La Push, Edward sabotages the engine on her truck so she can’t go. If you thought he was controlling before, just wait. It gets worse.

Bella and Edward go to Florida for a couple of days to see Renee, Bella’s mother. Don’t ask me how Edward managed to be in Florida without blinding everyone with his sparkling skin, because all they showed of him there was him sitting inside while Renee and Bella sunbathed. Renee is another voice of common sense. She knows Bella and Edward love each other, but often says things like “I’ll never see you if you go to the University of Alaska” to make Bella feel extremely guilty and sad about wanting to change into a vampire, because then she’ll never be able to see anyone she loves besides Edward. Please, just listen to your mother for once. While Bella and Edward are gone, Victoria sneaks into Forks. The Cullens chase her away though, easily enough, except Emmett accidentally sets a toe inside werewolf territory and has a snarling contest with a wolf the size of a small elephant.

When Bella and Edward return to school on Monday after their vacation, Jacob finally makes an appearance, complete with foreboding guitar solos playing in the background. He’s there to warn Edward about his family straying into his territory again. Bella demands to know why he never talks to her anymore, to which he answers “Because I have nothing to say.” Neither does she, mate. Despite all this, Jacob takes Bella to La Push on his motorcycle so they can talk there without Edward’s intervention. It’s really easy to like Jacob. Sure, he’s angsty, sure, he likes Bella, who could use a truckload of character development. But he’s actually likeable, which is more than can be said for every other character in this movie besides Emmett and Charlie. For a while, they do things like sit in Jacob’s garage and talk, visit Sam’s hut in the woods (where Bella meets the first female werewolf, who is a bit of a bitch), and sit around campfires listening to old Quileute legends. Then Bella lets slip that she’s going to have Edward turn her into a vampire after graduation (just a month away), and Jacob gets mad at her again. He tells her that he’d rather she was dead than a vampire. Finally, someone says something that makes sense! But Bella huffs off instead of listening to him.

Meanwhile, in Seattle, we find out that the nameless guy from the beginning is named Riley, and that he’s creating an army of newborn vampires, who are all very snarly and like to make bloody messes of people on a daily basis. The Cullens are sure that the Volturi will step in and fix everything soon, so they do nothing. In case you don’t remember, the Volturi are the Italian (inexplicably possessing American, British, and everything-but-Italian accents) peace-keeping vampires, who go around making sure that all the vampires keep themselves to themselves and don’t make a scene.

Cut back to Forks! Jacob’s ready to make his move. He finally tells Bella that he loves her and kisses her to prove it. Bella punches him in the face though, so I guess your advances are unwelcome, Jacob! Good thing she broke her hand doing it. Edward gets understandably hissy about it, but Charlie walks in before he can tear Jacob’s face off and breaks up the fight. Charlie’s awesome, by the way. He thinks it’s funny that Jacob kissed Bella and she broke her hand punching him in the face. I thought it was funny too. And while we’re on the subject of Charlie, he tries to give Bella The Talk because he suspects that she’s sleeping with Edward. It’s deliciously awkward and one of my favourite scenes in the film.

Bella, along with Edward, Alice, and Jasper, all soon graduate from high school, wearing yellow robes that clash horribly with their topaz eyes. There’s a party at the Cullens later – even Jacob shows up to apologise to Bella for losing his temper. But Alice has a vision of all the newborn vampires coming to kill Bella, eat people, and generally cause mayhem all around. Kill Bella?! Why? Because surprise, Vengeful Victoria is really the one behind all the creating of newborn vampires, and Riley’s just a tool, albeit a good-looking one.

Suddenly, all the Cullens are frantically planning how they can possibly beat an army of newborn vampires (which are at least twice as strong as non-newborns). Good thing Jacob’s there to volunteer himself and his mates to help. Everyone is uneasy with the alliance, what with vampires smelling like industrial-strength peroxide and the werewolves smelling like wet dogs in the sun, but they make do. Here we learn some backstory on Rosalie and Jasper, and it’s revealed that Jasper (hair as bad as ever, maybe worse) was turned into a vampire during the Civil War, and had lots of experience with newborns. There’s a really cool scene where he and the rest of the Cullens mock-fight in preparation for the upcoming battle while the werewolves look on. I’m no expert on fight scenes, but I really enjoyed it. Have I mentioned how cool Emmett is? Not as good as he is in the book, but still pretty awesome. He doesn’t even kiss anyone, which is more than I can say for Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

Bella gets spirited away up the mountain with Jacob and Edward, both of whom are playing a little game of Who Can Protect Bella Better. Jacob wins that night, when a snowstorm rolls in and the tent, sleeping bag, coat, boots, and mittens are not adequate to keep Bella warm. In hops Jacob, all 109 degrees of him, to keep Bella toasty. Ah, sweet drama. The next morning, after a night of Edward and Jacob having a heart to heart talk about Bella, Jacob happens to overhear that Bella and Edward are engaged. Oops! He tries to run off in a huff, but Bella runs after him and tries to make amends. To prove her stupidity, she asks Jacob to kiss her. Why? Because she loves him, of course! Oh yes, and asking him to kiss you after he found out you’re engaged to someone else is really the best way to fix things.

Meanwhile, the newborns arrive to find the vampires and the wolves waiting for them. There’s a really big fight! Regrettably, we don’t get to see vampires being torn limb from limb, because as it happens, they shatter into diamondy bits instead of rip into nice neat disembodied limbs. But Victoria has other ideas, and she and Riley find Bella, Edward, and one of the other werewolves (not Jacob) at the top of the mountain. Both fights are won just before the Volturi arrive on the scene and brutally kill a surrendered vampire in cold blood, further asserting their statuses as baddies. Dakota Fanning gives another warning about keeping Bella human, and they leave. Handy! Except Jacob’s been badly injured by one of the newborns, and Carlisle has to break a few more of his bones in order to get him on the mend. He and Bella can never be together, of course, even though he later tells her that her being with him would be “as easy as breathing”, which I’m inclined to believe more than Edward’s tripe. And so it ends.

Did you get through all that? Congratulations! There’s no prize, sorry.

Overall, I would say that Eclipse was more well done than the two preceding films, with a better script, cinematography, acting, and lulz. However, it was also the most accurate to the book, and you can only do so much with what you’re given. Edward was completely nonpersonable as always, which made the whole idea of the love triangle silly. Jacob always got the short end of the stick. Bella made all the wrong decisions. There was way too much kissing. And so it goes on.

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Comment

  1. Puppet on 1 July 2010, 15:03 said:

    “as easy as breathing”

    In other words, impossible. Bella constantly forgets to breathe, as mentioned hundreds of times in Twilight.

    Nicely done, Spanman.

  2. swenson on 1 July 2010, 15:23 said:

    …I’m going to get hunted down for this, but it almost sounded like (could this be possible?) you didn’t entirely despise this movie!

  3. Romantic Vampire Lover on 1 July 2010, 15:29 said:

    To prove her stupidness, she asks Jacob to kiss her.

    Woah, what the hell? She doesn’t do that in the book! Well, not that I can recall, anyway… This whole review was slightly scary; not because of you Spanman, just the material itself is enough to make me tear my hair out of my skull. And yet it was better than the first two? Well, I haven’t watched them, I suppose, but honestly, it seems rather… slow? I dunno, just badly paced I guess. And Jacob seems to keep getting in the way— oh right, he does that in the book too. This review just made it ten times more difficult for me understand why Twilight is attractive to anyone.

    In short, well done, Spanman! Lovely review, and I commend you being able to sit through that whole movie. :D gives cookie

  4. Nate Winchester on 1 July 2010, 15:59 said:

    Nameless Guy screams on the wet pavement as the poison spreads.

    What an apt metaphor for the series!

    He and the mustache make several appearances throughout the movie, always the voice of common sense and awkward fatherhood.

    Then this movie is twice better (if not more) than the previous ones!

    She knows Bella and Edward love each other, but often says things like “I’ll never see you if you go to the University of Alaska” to make Bella feel extremely guilty and sad about wanting to change into a vampire, because then she’ll never be able to see anyone she loves besides Edward.

    Has anyone explained like… why? I’m an only child and I know that if I was vampire’d, my mom would STILL demand I keep in touch and visit her (and she’s scarier than any vampire).
    And I Love ya for it, Mom!

    except Emmett accidentally sets a toe inside werewolf territory and has a snarling contest with a wolf the size of a small elephant

    How do they know? Are there lines marked or something?

    (where Bella meets the first female werewolf, who is a bit of a bitch)

    Ouch! You wound me with these puns.

    who go around making sure that all the vampires keep themselves to themselves and don’t make a scene

    How do they do that? It seems hard to if you stay in one location all the damn time.

    Good thing she broke her hand doing it.

    That’s pretty realistic. Even for guys.

    (which are at least twice as strong as non-newborns)

    That doesn’t make any sense. And how long are they “newborn” before weakening? Is that how meyerpires are beaten? If you wait long enough they become so frail and weak with age you can sneeze and shatter them?

    Oh yes, and asking him to kiss you after he found out you’re engaged to someone else is really the best way to fix things.

    O_o =O How is this ok? Man or woman, this is not right on any level.

  5. SMARTALIENQT on 1 July 2010, 17:12 said:

    Awesome review, Spanny! Your Internet is headed your way. D’ya want chocolate, vanilla, mint, or cafe au latte?

    Excuse me, former Twihard here to answer all of your questions.

    To prove her stupidness, she asks Jacob to kiss her.
    Woah, what the hell? She doesn’t do that in the book! Well, not that I can recall, anyway…

    No, she doesn’t, but since the alternative is Jacob mouth-raping and guilt-tripping her (thus upsetting the fans)… I like this better. unplugs “TEAM JACOB” sign

    Has anyone explained like… why? I’m an only child and I know that if I was vampire’d, my mom would STILL demand I keep in touch and visit her (and she’s scarier than any vampire).
    And I Love ya for it, Mom!

    Because the first year is all about rampant, uncontrollable bloodlust in Smeyerpire Land, and for several years after it’s still hard to control. By the time she came out of it, her parents would be dead.

    I know it doesn’t make any sense.

    That doesn’t make any sense. And how long are they “newborn” before weakening? Is that how meyerpires are beaten? If you wait long enough they become so frail and weak with age you can sneeze and shatter them?

    They’re “newborns” a year, then really strong for ten. After several centuries they essentially start turning into powder – their skin looks like it’s coated in flour. Which is no different from the movie! rimshot

  6. Nate Winchester on 1 July 2010, 17:49 said:

    Because the first year is all about rampant, uncontrollable bloodlust in Smeyerpire Land, and for several years after it’s still hard to control. By the time she came out of it, her parents would be dead.

    Well we know that in the end, Bella doesn’t have this problem so does she still get to see her parents?

    They’re “newborns” a year, then really strong for ten. After several centuries they essentially start turning into powder – their skin looks like it’s coated in flour.

    So… that whole “immortality” thing…

    Yeah.

  7. Spanman on 1 July 2010, 19:18 said:

    Thanks for your good opinions, guys. I’m flattered. ^^

    I don’t remember the explanation they gave in the book, but in the movie, it’s explained that the reason the newborns are stronger than your normal, run-of-the-mill vampires is because for a few months after they’re turned, the newborns still have human blood lingering in their tissues (what tissues, you ask? I have no idea. Seeing as they’re basically made of flexible diamonds).

    Anyway! Maybe you’d do best to not try to instill some reason into Smeyer’s world. Believe me, you’ll just find yourself running in circles.

    Well we know that in the end, Bella doesn’t have this problem so does she still get to see her parents?

    Yes. It’s dumb. They pretend that Renesmee is their niece and explain away Bella’s sudden ethereal beauty/yellow eyes/tendency to sniff very loudly in the presence of humans.

    …I’m going to get hunted down for this, but it almost sounded like (could this be possible?) you didn’t entirely despise this movie!

    You are correct. Don’t worry, I won’t hunt you down. I didn’t despise it, but I didn’t like it all that much either. Despite the shmancy effects and pretty people, the whole franchise is just getting old. I get tired just thinking about the two movies to come.

  8. NeuroticPlatypus on 2 July 2010, 00:19 said:

    I hope you’re having second thoughts about reading this review.

    This makes me think of Lemony Snicket.

    “Because I have nothing to say.” (…) Jacob takes Bella to La Push on his motorcycle so they can talk

    He wants to talk, yet he has nothing to say. That should be a stimulating conversation.

    He thinks it’s funny that Jacob kissed Bella and she broke her hand punching him in the face. I thought it was funny too.

    I laughed at this, so I guess I think it’s funny too.

    He doesn’t even kiss anyone, which is more than I can say for Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, Bella, Edward, and Jacob.

    So who does Rosalie kiss? I thought she and Emmett were in wuv.

    Good synopsis there, Spanman.

  9. fffan on 2 July 2010, 04:29 said:

    Nice review. I can’t wait for Rifftrax to rip this movie to shreds.

  10. falconempress on 2 July 2010, 08:39 said:

    You actually made it sound bearable. I mean, as in reading about it through your perspective was bearable. But if you say that it is better than New Moon, which I did not have the strength to sit through…

    Hmm, just a question – does Bella kiss Jacob because he threatens to kill himself if she doesnt? Because I think that is what happened in the book.

    @Neurotic Platypus:

    So who does Rosalie kiss? I thought she and Emmett were in wuv.

    Heh, as much as you can call her having the hots for him because he reminds her of her friends baby love then yeah, she does love him:P

  11. Danielle on 2 July 2010, 10:25 said:

    Wanna hear something incredible?

    The reviewers at my local paper like the Twilight movies. And the books.

    Anyway, nice review. Sort of what I expected; your list pretty much summed it up. Except for this:

    7. People’s heads shattering into little diamondy pieces.

    C’mon, really? Where’s the gore? The vampires getting torn into little pices and set on fire? Or do we have to wait for the fourth movie for the gore SMeyer claims not to like?

  12. Spanman on 2 July 2010, 10:45 said:

    There’s no gore! Well, there’s a little bit where vampires maul real people and Bella cuts herself and such, but nothing spectacular. It was just collide and shatter. No fun at all.

    So who does Rosalie kiss? I thought she and Emmett were in wuv.

    There were a few flashback parts where Rosalie and Jasper’s back stories were explained. It was pretty sad though, because she got raped and almost killed by her fiancé. D:

    Hmm, just a question – does Bella kiss Jacob because he threatens to kill himself if she doesnt? Because I think that is what happened in the book.

    I don’t remember if he threatened to kill himself, but it was definitely implied.

  13. dorotea on 2 July 2010, 11:45 said:

    It was pretty sad though, because she got raped and almost killed by her fiancé. D:

    I never understood the idea of changing a freshly raped woman into a vampire, with all the sadness and depression that comes after that.
    Was she changed after she tried to commit suicide or after she was raped, I don’t remember?
    Was Carlyle trying to change all the most unwilling and least apt for inmortality?

  14. Puppet on 2 July 2010, 13:08 said:

    If I recall correctly, she was raped and almost killed, but she was saved by becoming a vampire. And using her new vampire powers she hunted down her fiancé and killed him.

  15. dorotea on 2 July 2010, 14:47 said:

    And using her new vampire powers she hunted down her fiancé and killed him.

    That’s soooo healthy for relieving depression.
    It could have been more interesting if she carried a grudge against men and instead of bite them, chew off their “little fellow”.

  16. Puppet on 2 July 2010, 14:53 said:

    No, because she’s a vampire, she didn’t bite them. Just, you know, broke their necks.

  17. Snow White Queen on 2 July 2010, 14:56 said:

    The backstories (especially Jasper’s) were the only interesting part in the Eclipse book. Why sMeyer couldn’t have written about that instead of stupid Bella is beyond me.

  18. dorotea on 2 July 2010, 15:32 said:

    No, because she’s a vampire, she didn’t bite them. Just, you know, broke their necks.

    Oh, yes! I forgot, these vampires don’t bite people.
    Tell me again, why are they called “vampires”?

  19. Spanman on 2 July 2010, 16:58 said:

    Eh, she didn’t bite them because she’d already been sold on the idea of vegetarianism. But she still wanted them dead.

    The backstories (especially Jasper’s) were the only interesting part in the Eclipse book.

    And they were definitely the most disturbing parts of the movie, too, along with Bree getting murdered right there with no one doing anything about it. For one, Jasper had to kill all his vamp compatriots as soon as they lost their newborn strength, which was shown, and Rosalie got raped, which was mercifully not shown, but still awful.

  20. Snow White Queen on 2 July 2010, 19:39 said:

    Okay, so maybe I like bad things to happen to characters…but it’s better than having to sit through Edward and Bella gazing soulfully into each other’s eyes. I would be lying if I said that having a deadly vampire attack at that moment would not have vindicated the entire book.

  21. falconempress on 3 July 2010, 03:17 said:

    Yup, Rosalies part was really the only part of the movie I liked (Jasper not so much, to be honest, too much like True Blood for my tastes) – I especially loved the dreamy little smile she smiled when she remembered how she stormed her fiancés place. And the wedding gown, oh my gods! “I had a thing for drama back then.”

    Huh, Rosalie was actually pretty awesome. And at least they downplayed the whole “I hate you because you can have babies and I cant” bit.

  22. bennie on 27 November 2017, 11:44 said:

    What a great piece of writing! I saw it at a great source and fell in love instantly. you are a true talent! God bless you! I wish more people were like you!