So you’ve got a muse, and properly cut yourself off from the world. Good. Now it’s really time to start cracking. You’re probably going to notice as you start writing that some strange things are going to happen. It’s perfectly okay. You’ve just got to stick with it until your novel is done. Comprende? Good.

One of the first things you’re going to notice is that you’re going to start becoming disgusting. Really disgusting. Not like bad hair day disgusting, old bag lady disgusting. My doctor described it as having a “lack of personal hygiene.” Or something like that. As you start getting deeper and deeper into the “flesh” of your writing, shall we say, you’re going to notice that you are probably going to become more and more horrendously dirty. Now, writing is a hard task. You don’t have time to wash, shower, or bathe, no matter how quick it is. Your hair is probably going to become limp and greasy, and stringy, like a methed out punk rocker. Your skin should start turning an off yellow color. And after about thirty days of novelling, you should start to carry around the faint aroma of rotten eggs and dried cow lips. You should bottle it. Someone on Craigslist will probably buy it.

This is all okay! Since you’ve already withdrawn from normal human behavior, like interaction with sentient beings, no one is going to notice. And even if they do, they’ll probably just label you “eccentric.” Being labeled eccentric is like winning the lottery. Not that you would know what that feels like, but you’ve got to trust me on this. People love eccentrics. They smell weird and wear funny hats. And since people love eccentrics, you should probably try to become one.

How, you ask, is this accomplished? There are many different routes you can take, because there are many different types of eccentrics. There are the ones that are depressed, the special ones, and homeless people. Whatever sort of eccentric you chose to be, remember, smell is the most important aspect, and all eccentrics have the same smell.

The Depressed Eccentric

The depressed eccentric (or DE, for short) likes to be sad. They gaze out windows. They blog about their life on Tumblr. They may or may not have a proclivity towards eyeliner. They like to angst. Angsting is very important, and consists of three major principles: being anti-social (which hopefully you already are), crying (you should be able to attain this enlighted state of mind by reading your own writing – your prose is more than enough to bring one to tears), and whining. Whining doesn’t take much effort, but it is one of the most important parts of being angsty. But how does one whine?

First, pick something in your life. It doesn’t necessarily have to be bad, like not having food to eat, or living in a cardboard box. It can be something like having to interact with people. Maybe your parents think you need to get out of the house a bit more. Of course, this is ridiculous, and you probably already just ignore them, but you need to whine about it too. This really emphasizes your struggle. You should practice. Here are some things to whine about: going to school, not being able to go to school, people constantly talking to you, having no people to talk to, friends, enemies, teachers, clothes, boys, girls, love, a lack of love, how you’ll never find someone to love, how you have someone to love but don’t like them, how you have someone to love but you love someone else, when your crush looks at you, when your crush won’t look at you, when you’re alive, when you’re almost alive, when you’re almost dead, and finally, when you’re dead. These are just a few things you can whine about, and being the genius that you are, I’m sure you can find more.

The Special Eccentric

The Special Eccentric, is as you would probably guess, special. They gaze out windows. They blog about their life on Tumblr, and of course, they angst. Not as much as a DE, but enough to be able to educate the people around them that being a novelist is hard. Like really hard. Special Eccentrics also have a proclivity towards using big words rather than eyeliner. If you don’t know a lot of big words, don’t despair. You can just make some up! Or you can try reading the dictionary. If all else fails, you can ask your muse to beat you daily with a thesaurus. Though this may cause some blunt head trauma, it will also increase your vocabulary.

People think it’s especially eccentric when you use words wrong without knowing it. How does one do this? It’s simple. Just take a sentence, such as “While doodling and singing, I walked down the street towards my house,” and insert some random words into it, or take some normal words out and insert new, big ones. This is what the final product should look like. “While practicing circumlocution on my bicycle and gasconading, I effectuated throughout the avenue imprudently going forward to the place I usually reside: algerining because I was hungry, cancatervating the my brain matter.” Much better, eh?

The SE also likes to do quirky things, like using a litter box instead of a toilet, or graphing the growth of their finger nails/hair on a daily basis. They also like making their own groups. If you’re too busy to create your own Special Eccentric group (a.k.a “1950’s Era Photography Club with Knitting Poodle Skirts and Some Community Service on the Side,” or maybe “Gardening Club that Likes to Knit and Also Likes Cartography and the Study of Flags, Which Was Mentioned on the Radio Once but We Forget What it’s Called”), you can join one. Look for the aforementioned names.

SEs are also quirky people. For example, here is a biography of an SE.

Preferred pronous: buns/bun/bunself or nuns/nun/nunself. A-romantic, otherkin, transethnic, keyboard dysmorphia (srry 4 eny spelling mistaks ok?), blue-orange-is-the-new-black morality, I’m an atheist ‘cause I’m really mad at god right now, but that might change. I also identify as a reptilian from time to time, and my preferred pronouns are: lizardz/lizard/lizirdddself

SEs also like to do drugs, but not because they were looped into doing them by a shady dealer, or were kicked out of a foster home and turned to the streets. No, SEs do drugs because drugs are interesting, and they are interesting, and therefore, they do interesting things. Marijuana and alcohol are off the list, because they’re too common and too inexpensive. An SE should strive to smoke opium from an authentic 1800s opium pipe in an authentic 1800s opium-smoking den. If that fails, try meth. It’ll give you a nice disgusting smell, which if you remember, is what all eccentrics need to smell like.

Homeless People

Homeless people are eccentrics, believe it or not. If you’re not already living in squalor, please do so now. Being homeless is the eccentric position to have, and one of the most coveted. There are many different types of homeless people, but you should strive to be each one at least once, to be fair. Some types of homeless people: hungry homeless people, thirsty homeless people, and dead homeless people. Try and give each group equal attention.

See you next time!

Actually, no, wait! Wait! WAIT! Remember that paper that we titled “Things I Need to Be a Writer”? It was a little while ago, so if you’ve gotten amnesia since then, I understand. Please try and find it. When you’ve found it, bring it to your computer with a pencil (or other auxilliary writing utensil). Under the title, there should be the word “muse.” I hope you’ve had time to make one of those since last time. If muse is checked off, write underneath it, “a stench and an eccentric personality” and get cracking.

Ta ta for now!

Comment

  1. Potatoman on 24 July 2014, 00:18 said:

    How do I love these articles? Let me count the ways.

    old bag lady

    Yep, there’s one reason.

    1950’s Era Photography Club with Knitting Poodle Skirts and Some Community Service on the Side,” or maybe “Gardening Club that Likes to Knit and Also Likes Cartography and the Study of Flags, Which Was Mentioned on the Radio Once but We Forget What it’s Called

    Another one.

    The depressed eccentric (or DE, for short) likes to be sad. They gaze out windows. They blog about their life on Tumblr. They may or may not have a proclivity towards eyeliner.

    dreamy sigh

  2. swenson on 24 July 2014, 08:28 said:

    An SE should strive to smoke opium from an authentic 1800s opium pipe in an authentic 1800s opium-smoking den. If that fails, try meth.

    Very nearly snorted orange juice out of my nose, thank you.

  3. The Smith of Lie on 24 July 2014, 16:26 said:

    Ok, I don’t feel this one. It’s not like I am adverse to strange or evet a bit tasteless humor, but the article fell flat.

    The previous installment, about finding a muse I found a little bit funny, because I saw correlation between vapid characters so popular lately and the object of article. This one lacks even that, being somewhat directionless in my opinion. I understand that you are making fun of authors trying for “suffering artist” demeanor and general hipsterhood, but it doesn’t seem as prelevalent as “marble skinned Adnises, who take of their shirts and order POV female around”.

    I guess I am more interested in bile thrown at individual targets than a general satire. Thus I am waiting for continuation of the TFiOS spork.

  4. Epke on 25 July 2014, 10:28 said:

    I laughed so hard at this: you do hit those key points that many authors (unknowingly) suffer from.

    No, SEs do drugs because drugs are interesting, and they are interesting, and therefore, they do interesting things.

    xD

    Also, remember this everyone: poor people are crazy, rich people are eccentric.

  5. Resistance on 25 July 2014, 20:52 said:

    Also, remember this everyone: poor people are crazy, rich people are eccentric.

    Goddamnit, I should have included that in there!

    Ok, I don’t feel this one. It’s not like I am adverse to strange or evet a bit tasteless humor, but the article fell flat.

    Are you saying that the humor fell flat, or that it just wasn’t as applicable to most authors today? I do agree that the “lack of personal hygiene” was a bit of a stretch, but it should tie into a larger theme at the end. Also I kind of wanted to shit on Tumblrette social justice warriors a bit. That’s not really relevant, but . . .

  6. BlackStar on 27 July 2014, 16:05 said:

    I thoroughly enjoyed the article and appreciated the shitting on Tumblrette social justice warrior types.

    Very nearly snorted orange juice out of my nose, thank you.

    I had the exact same experience except it was tea that nearly shot out of my nose, not orange juice.