Disclaimer: this posting contains mature content. Proceed at your own risk.

Then in February of ’47, Japanese pop star John Denver wrote the song that would change the world: “Big League Chew,” a story-song about an English pirate with a habit of biting things, disliked by nearly everyone, with the exception of some pirate wenches and particularly heavy rum-drinkers who thought it tickled.

You’ll probably need to add a reference here so they know who the hell John Denver is. sigh A testament to the failure of our system of education. Thanks a lot, LBJ. (You might want to include that remark in your tome, since it’s moderately provocative, incredibly general, and has no evidence to back it up. Remember, kids, if you feel the need to back up your statements with evidence, you obviously don’t have enough faith in their truth.)

Everyone in the world was moved, touched, and otherwise molested by this fantastic new pioneering thing, which, in addition to revealing the final digit of pi and solving world hunger, has a really catchy chord progression. John Denver was then elected Prime Minister of the Soviet Union, and collaborated with John Lennon on some albums before returning to his Heavy-Metal roots. He went on to tour with Slipknot – he’s the dude with the pins sticking in all over that doesn’t do anything other than set himself on fire at live concerts.

To the Set-Himself-On-Fire-Dude’s credit, said self-ignition is pretty friggin awesome.

Upon hearing the song, the Governator of Saudi Arabia (successor to Patrick Swayze, who inherited the title from its originator, Arnold Schwarzenegger, who starred in the hit film Casablanca) was inspired to finally make peace with his arch-enemies, the Australians, and resume his illustrious career as the World Tiddlywinks Champion.

Tiddlywinks are awesome. That is all.

In 1948, the entire world and even Canada was shocked when Michael Jackson bought the Boston Red Sox and renamed them “Snuggles and the Sparkle Monkeys,”

Best. Team Name. Ever.

causing much controversy among the players until they won the World Series that year (the first of 23 that the Snuggles and the Sparkle Monkeys would win under Jackson’s ownership).

The Cubs, on the other hand, could be bought by the Pope and be renamed the “Win Every Game Because the Vatican is Threatening the MLB Owners With Excommunication“s and still manage to choke in the playoffs. Hey, listen, I’m Academia’s Jeff Foxworthy: “You might be an ancient historian if you’re writing about the last time the Cubs won the World Series!” No historical advice here, just Cub-bashing. Because I can.

Mel Gibson’s pet sheep, Ogie Ogelthorpe, had just been elected as premier of China in its first ever meritocractic election – the council of electors consisting of Ozzie Osbourne (who went on the record as calling premier Ogelthorpe the “fucking greatest fucking fucker of a fucking premier what I ever fucking fucked in a fucking fucker. Fuck!”), James Stockdale (“GRIDLOCK!”), Antonio Banderas (“He is, ah, how you say…? Ahhhh yes, the good.”), Blackbeard (“YARR, Davy Jones’ bones and a bottle of rum, how in Cap’n Kidd’s cold codfish did I get here? Too much rum! Yar, my head hurts. blourgh“), and chairwoman Robin Hood (“no, look, they got the plaque wrong, it’s chairMAN. Yes, I know I wear tights. Oh, shuttup you limey wanker. Oh, is this on record? Um, er, give to the poor, and all that… bullocks. Oh, am I still on record? Ahahaha, only a little joke Little John and I share. What?!? No, Little John’s john is not little… I mean what, how would am I supposed to know?” When Little John himself was asked about this, he grinned and yelled “YEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAYAH!”), clearly the best to determine control of the world’s second-most Chinese country.

Out-Chinesed only by America, because we have more of their stuff than they do. Also note the confusing nature of the list: it is best to give your students these sort of snippets in a jarred, nearly impossible-to-follow fashion so that they only remember the names while having no idea what happened. After all, this is the point of history, no?

Premier Ogelthorpe would go on to make several ground-breaking laws – perhaps his most famous is the Ground-Breaking Act. This act did basically nothing, but got the media up in a frenzy while he secretly had an affair with – well, we don’t really know who, so I suppose the media frenzy worked. Premier Ogelthorpe also passed the “Clothe the Naked, Feed the Hungry, and House the Homeless Act,” which housed the hungry, fed the naked, and clothed the homeless. Then he invented the vegetable-oil-powered car – unfortunately, this was destroyed after he invented the vegetable-oil-powered bazooka. Overall, they taught the world one thing – sheep, drugs, and rock n’ roll do not run a nation.

Quick, you’re starting to get too much into the boring stuff! The kids won’t pay attention to this! Think of something!

This lack of organized leadership in the Chinese government made room for the infamous world takeover by Overlord Sean Connery.

…That’s more like it. Alllll right. Giggity.

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Comment

  1. Virgil on 9 October 2008, 20:26 said:

    Snuggles and the Sparkle Monkeys

    It is the best name ever.

  2. Snow White Queen on 11 October 2008, 19:34 said:

    hehehe i wish my history textbook could be like this.

    ‘out-chinesed only by america, because we have more of their stuff than they do.’ usually, i don’t use these internet phrases or whatever, but i was almost rofl.

    but with the whole sox case (or should i say sparkle monkeys), who is snuggles? is it m.j.?

  3. Patton on 7 February 2018, 00:12 said:

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