Disclaimer: this posting contains mature content. Proceed at your own risk.

Then in January 1947, President Rabbi Adolf Hitler was inaugurated into office, kissing the ceremonial fish and performing admirably in the traditional dog-eating contest. His election brought up much controversy, mostly from the losing Republicans, who lost due to an unfortunate incident of their entire party being assassinated by blue hippopotamuses in The Mall. Abercrombie and Fitch, established 1892 and apparently the meeting ground of the insurgent Hippopotamidae, expressed regret for this incident; their acting co-assistant to the vice-secretary issued a statement saying, “We deeply regret any death or mauling that may have occurred due to lack of store security – marijuana has now been made mostly forbidden for our employees to consume other than during lunch breaks and overtime. We would just also like to add that our deepest sympathies go out to the families of the deceased, and that the hippos looked fantastic in their ‘Owl’s Head Trail’ shirts.”

Lesson Number Two: If you are writing a history book that is to be read by High School students, they will believe absolutely anything. Anything. Hitler was a Jew, FDR lost his legs at the Battle of Waterloo, whatever, they’re just going to highlight and regurgitate. Try slipping subliminal messages into your tome to brainwash the youth of our generation. In Exempla:

“I live in your eyes.”

“There is no God but God.”

“I shot JR.”

It would later be revealed that, in fact, the assassins were just really cool Opotamuses.

Lesson Three: End every topic with a short summary of what happens later to the people/things in that topic that does an entirely inadequate job of informing the reader of the pertinent events. Teachers should then be encouraged to use these isolated sentences as the topics for important questions on term exams.

President Hitler then passed his famous “ Nye The Science Guy Bill,” which in addition to helping the Irish get back on their feet after the Great Big English Fecker incident in November of ’33, established as a US law that “disco sucks,” securing his popularity then even up til now, into his comedic film career.

Tying it into the modern day makes you seem edgy to the young hipsters what be readin’ yo history. Bill Nye the Science Guy is NOT a dated reference! He is very much alive! Like Latin, he is used in an academic context, an ecclesiastical context, and to pick up really drunk chicks at bars.

Meanwhile Microsoft corporation of Italy was making contact with aliens from the planet Zwaltarg 7, but Italian Ambassador Dick Cheney accidentally shot them in the face. In response to this, he was forced to marry four hairy women, but it turned out to be a blessing in disguise when they revealed their ability to make incredibly good cheese (that’s not all they revealed, but international law prevents this historian from going into any more detail, not that I’d want to).

Refer to yourself in the third person. “This historian” is preferable, but your name is fine, too. Ex. “George has surmised that the removal of the Gold Standard by Nixon helped recover the US economy, but may have caused long-term damage that will outdo the good.”

The United States economy was booming at this time, with stock in hot air balloons, swords, and Pokemon doing particularly well. There are essentially two schools of historical thought as to why this was: the School You and the Old School. The School You generally believe it is due to a dramatic decrease in washing machine fatalities, while the Old School believes it is due to the sales of the popular new genre of music “Country Rap,” with its foremost artist Buck 50 selling over 2 million albums in like, 10 seconds.

Our theme of inadequate summary here returns with the brief description of the historical schools. Information is presented in this manner because it is the most effective way to thoroughly and accurately inform today’s youth. Also revisionists suck.

The United Kingdom was not doing so well at the time – some theorize that this was due to a lack of agricultural support, but most prescribe to the general theory that it was completely exploded by the ill-conceived mixing of Sodium Phosphate and St. Alfonso’s pancakes. Nobody’s quite sure which idiot chose to experiment in such a highly illegal fashion, but we suspect you – the government has had your phones tapped for months, so just give up. Only Ireland remained unscathed, while the rest of the UK was taken over by Fungi, who within several months evolved into bipeds with moustaches, rather like the Toads in the Mario Brothers games – the Scots turned into really angry Toads, and the Welsh evolved into goombas. This evolution caused the great Irish-Fungi war, which is still a case of international security and cannot be disclosed at the present time, even for something such as this, clearly educational and informative, document_ All we are currently at liberty to reveal is that Hamlet was a maraschino cherry, hence the assassination of the biscuit’s crux.

A new economic crisis began to emerge in France, which was a crucial trading partner to the US, Yugoslavia, and (some sources indicate) Martin Short (exporting baseballs and cheese, two decidedly French Sporting Goods items). There was something of a revolt among the baking classes, and the Hommes Claquant D’autres Avec les Patisseries Eventees, with their nuclear laser guns and feared Llama Cavalry, threatened to completely destroy a small Argentinian goat if the government did not comply with their demands.

The Hommes de Patisseries had desired for some time to be granted their own special edition Nintendo console, to no avail – their leadership, including Secretary of Spam John Candy and Supreme Ruler Potentate Paul Reubens, decided it was time to take decisive action.

Luckily, and largely thanks to the ever-relevant wit of Oscar Wilde (now 32 and happily married to Elton John, Catherine Zita Jones, and Jimmy Carter), crisis was averted and a Patisserie de Nintendo was released by August of the same year. The Hommes de Patisseries retreated to their secret underground lair, where they collaborated in the writing of Finding Forrester.

Elsewhere in the world, this exact chain of events was not happening (though in the Bahamas something very much like it was going on, but this is World History, not “Stupid Little Touristy-island Thingymabob History”). In March of ’46 it rained a lot in China.

Not sure what I was thinking there. Lesson Whatever Lesson I’m On: Lay off the crack. I’m gonna hit the skids. Outtie Five-Thousand.

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Comment

  1. Elanorea on 8 October 2008, 05:32 said:

    This reminds me of what my friend wrote in her history workbook in seventh grade, in order to prove that our teacher doesn’t actually read anything we write. It worked, too.

  2. Undertow on 9 October 2008, 21:44 said:

    Bill Nye the Science Guy can pick up my drunk goomba a** anytime.
    Yeah, I know, my commentary is astute, informative, and remarkably apt, as easily digestible as roasted Argentinian goat in the stomach of the herbivorean Llama Cavalry.