One day, I thought a question that all young men find themselves pondering in this modern age: how would I go about killing Edward Cullen? I threw this idea out a couple times to my friends, and their first suggestions were all conventional vampire killing methods. The problem with this is that Stephenie Meyer did her best to make her vampire hero much harder to kill—stakes, swords, knives, running water, and silver don’t work on her vampires. To take it to further levels of absurdity (and Mary Sueness), Meyer seems to hold that there is no weapon in the real world that would be likely to kill her vampires.
A thought experiment, then: if all the weapons of the real world short of nukes wouldn’t work (ludicrous, but for the purpose of Meyer’s amusement, let’s assume she’s right), what weapons of the realms of fiction would be best for disposing of this pest? I’ve compiled a list of suggestions, and as the list goes on I intend to make clear each of the weapon’s advantages and disadvantages.
Now for the list I decided I’d only pick one entry from each fictional world. I also figured that the qualifying factor was that it had to be a weapon that could in theory be wielded by any person and was lower caliber than the Death Star—obviously it could kill Edward Cullen, but it would kill the rest of humanity too (although if Stephenie Meyer’s vision of an Earth ruled by nigh-indestructible vampires were real, we might be doing the planet a favor).
Without further adieu…
Number One: The Lightsaber from Star Wars
Well, duh. If this wasn’t one of the first things that popped in your head, go home. The lightsaber is one of the most iconic “kill anything” weapons. It’s a blade that’s made out of energy. There’s not a lot more to it than that. Well, yes, some can lengthen the blade, the hilt can be made into different shapes and there’s a certain amount of power in the power cell that never seems to run out, but it’s a fairly straightforward concept.
The only things a lightsaber blade cannot cut through are another beam of energy and certain alloys that are fairly rare in the Star Wars universe yet have this annoying habit of popping up at inconvenient moments. Now if we were to ask Stephenie Meyer I’m fairly certain she’d assure us that vampires are energy-proof or some such nonsense, but let’s be clear: this thing could definitely chop off Wardo’s noggin. And given that vampire bodies are filled with flammable venom, it’s safe to assume that putting a hot energy blade through it is going to have some devastating effects.
We have some pretty glaring problems here, though. Meyer’s vampires are super-fast. As in, Meyer says they can outrun an explosion. So while if Edward Cullen comes at you, you can get lucky, the fact is you’re swinging at something that’s unnaturally fast. If someone with that kind of speed has any idea what they’re doing, you’re not going to get far with that weapon.
Also, the weapon itself is unbalanced. A sword is easy to wield because it’s easy to tell where the blade will go by how hard you swing the handle. Because lightsaber blades are made of energy, they don’t weigh anything. The reason you hardly ever see anyone other than a Force-sensitive use the things is because people who are Force-sensitive have the reflexes necessary to not kill themselves, and even then they practice with weapons that have lower energy settings for years before they build their own weapons. Unless some of the readers here are Jedi Knights (or Sith Lords), which I doubt, I don’t think it’s a particularly useful weapon.
Number Two: Mjolnir from Thor
Hm… impressive. A giant hammer forged from the heart of a dying star that is wielded by the thunder god Thor to kill giants. It returns to the hand of the wielder when thrown and can definitely cause enough blunt force trauma to shatter Eddie C.’s stony face. Plus, you know, you can put it on his chest and he can’t lift it, because there’s no way he’s worthy of the power of Thor.
See, this weapon only works if we assume we get someone worthy, because no one else has the ability to wield the hammer. I don’t think it’d be that hard to find someone, all things considered, as given we live in a world of seven billion people, statistically finding someone that fits the bill couldn’t be too difficult.
The issue that was brought up with the lightsaber still applies here, though—vampires can move super fast. Granted, the hammer has special powers aside from hitting things, but I can’t exactly be sure that they can be wielded by anyone other than, you know, Thor. Like, summoning lightning would certainly be effective in killing Mr. Cullen, but I’m not sure if anyone who’s not a storm god can do it. And once again, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not a storm god (I just borrowed one for my username).
Number Three: Soul Calibur from the Soul series
I considered putting Soul Edge on the list, but I decided that a demonic sword that possesses everyone who wields it and corrupts those who come into contact with it probably wouldn’t appeal to you guys.
Soul Calibur, on the other hand, is the sword that counters Soul Edge. Like Soul Edge, it changes itself to suit whatever fighting style the wielder is most comfortable with, and it can protect its host with a coat of nigh-impenetrable crystal and sustain life, as well as purifying unholy influences. This would get around that whole speed issue if applied correctly—if he can’t damage you, it doesn’t matter how fast the vampire goes.
It’s a perfect choice actually, except for one thing: the sword is kind of a dick. The sword might be the one that counters the evil Soul Edge, but it doesn’t really care who gets taken out on the way to destroying the world’s demonic influence. The spirit of the sword, Elysium, actually will possess the user fully and only the incredibly strong of will would be able to fight back. This could be… problematic in fighting a specific target, I imagine. I can’t imagine the sword not letting you kill Edward, but the risk of losing autonomy of one’s body might turn off some people’s willingness to wield the so-called “holy sword.”
Number Four: The Colt from Supernatural
Yes, vampires are supposedly bullet-proof, but they say this gun can kill anything. And that includes vampires. Granted, Lucifer claims he’s one of the five things in Creation the gun can’t kill, but its limits aren’t really elaborated on more than that. Given that the show has five named archangels (of which Lucifer is one), we can probably assume that the other archangels account for the remaining four. And even then, it certainly immobilized Lucifer for a while, and was shown to really hurt the bastard. So even the Devil himself isn’t completely immune to the weapon.
Which means it’s Cullen season!
The main obstacle in using this weapon effectively would be getting close enough to use it effectively without getting killed. The gun itself is also a revolver, meaning you should hit before you run out of shots, or else you’ll be killed while trying to reload. And you know, having that thing in the hands of a Cullen would suck.
Number Five: A Green Lantern Power Ring from Green Lantern
One of the most versatile weapons of any fictional universe, the Green Lantern Power Ring can easily put any normal human being in the big leagues with DC’s heavy hitters like Superman and Wonder Woman.
The power ring works like this: users can make constructs with the ring into any shape they imagine. The ring harnesses willpower, so the stronger your will, the stronger your constructs will be. Constructs can be anything—from swords and armor, to guns and shields, to straight up mechas and giant lawn mowers.
…or you can shoot lasers. Whatever.
The ring is an obvious choice for combat with a physically stronger opponent—it can make a shield around you to avoid anyone getting close and can be adaptable to almost any situation. Wardo’s speed means nothing if he can’t get close to you, and the ring provides all kinds of creative license to killing Mr. Cullen.
There are some downsides, of course. The ring does have a limited (though still great) amount of power, that needs to be recharged after a long period of usage using a power battery. The ring also has strengths and weakness based on other colors of the emotional spectrum—for example, in some stories it doesn’t work on anything the color yellow, so you’re going to have to be more creative if Edward decides to wear a yellow shirt. That being said, you can still throw stuff at him or move the ground he’s on, so it’s not too much of a limit.
Number Six: The Apple of Eden from Assassin’s Creed
The Apple is simultaneously one of the most exciting and one of the least exciting weapons on this list. It doesn’t really stab or shoot or do anything visceral, as much as make illusions and control people’s bodies by the user willing it to do so. But you can also use it to make people’s heads explode.
Oh yeah. Caught your attention there, didn’t I?
The Apple is a piece of incredibly powerful technology made by a precursor civilization, and it’s pretty much so advanced that it might as well be magic (and it has been mistaken for such in the past). You see, the lore of Assassin’s Creed states that humanity didn’t evolve as much as we were engineered by the First Civlization, who made us in their image. We were made a subservient race, though, and they needed a way to control us. Thus they implanted transmitters into our nervous systems and made devices that could send and receive signals to said transmitters and thereby control the nervous system.
It lets you control people like puppets, okay?
Members of the First Civilization didn’t have these transmitters, and some of them had children with humans, who, along with their descendents, gained immunity to the Apple. These people are a minority though. So it’s unlikely any of the Cullens were in that group when they were human.
The effectiveness of the Apple as a weapon is undeniable. You don’t have to worry about speed, because you just have to hold it and think to make it work. A thought, and Mr. Cullen’s head explodes. Or you can make him kill the rest of the Cullens. Whatever you want.
Here’s the main problem I see: Edward Cullen isn’t human. As far as I know, Meyer’s vampires still have their nervous systems intact, but it’s implied that vampires can still reassemble themselves after being dismembered, so it obviously doesn’t function the same way. Would the Apple work? It’s worth a shot, for certain, but there’s no guarantee that it’ll work.
Number Seven: The Speaking Gun from Nightside by Simon Greene
How do you kill something unkillable? Simple—you un-make it.
So God made everything in Creation by speaking its true name, right? The Speaking Gun, then, is a weapon that, when pointed at a target, will learn its true name and say it backwards, effectively un-creating it. Targets won’t die—they’ll have never been.
You’d have to take the time to point the thing at Edward, obviously, but once you do he’s a goner. You could probably take him by surprise if you played your cards right, and take out the whole Cullen family in one fell swoop.
Like many of the things on this list though, there is a downside: the gun is sentient, and it really likes un-making things. It wants nothing more than to go on a spree of tearing down all of Creation, and will push and tempt its wielder into doing so. So yes, we could easily use it to annihilate Wardo, but we might end up destroying a lot more than that if we’re not careful.
Also: it’s made of flesh. That might be kind of awkward to be carrying around.
Number Eight: The Master Bolt from Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan
…we’re going nuclear.
The Master Bolt is the symbol of power for the king of the gods: Zeus. Forged for the first war to use against his father, Kronos, the Master Bolt is the most powerful of all of Zeus’s weapons, the original lightning bolt, on which all the others are modeled. The Bolt is what blasted Kronos off his throne and blasted the top off the mountain.
It’s arguably the most powerful weapon the Olympians have.
Okay, so it seems a bit petty to use the weapon of Zeus on a guy because he’s an asshole, but… seriously, he deserves it. The full power doesn’t have to be used every time, either—we can just channel enough power to not wipe a town off the map.
Actually, it’s questionable whether or not a mortal can use the thing. You don’t have to be a full god, but it’s possible that only one with divine power, like a god or demigod, can use the Bolt at all, and that only the most powerful of the Olympians can use its maximum power setting. And like I said above, I’m not a god, just borrowed one’s name for a little while.
And, you know, there’s convincing Zeus to let you use it…
Number Nine: Solomon’s Ring from The Ring of Solomon by Jonathan Stroud
How do you go up from the chosen weapon of Zeus? I’ll tell you how: the Ring of Solomon.
In Stroud’s books, magicians get power not from any inherent abilities that they themselves have, but by summoning and enslaving spirits like djinn and afrits and getting them to do stuff for them. Magic items were made by binding powerful spirits, often marids, to an item and having them serve a specific function.
The reader never finds out how the Ring of Solomon was made, only that Solomon used it to pretty much do whatever he wanted and could threaten anyone with the Ring. Why? In the Ring was bound the most powerful spirit ever seen in the series—Uraziel. Just what is Uraziel? No one knows, just that its power is limitless, and can be summoned by just a turn of the Ring. Being a spirit, it would be impervious to most attacks unless attacking with a weapon made of silver or iron, and even then, being in the spiritual weight class it is, I don’t think killing it with iron would as simple as stabbing him.
There’s a catch, though… the Ring actually leeches life off of whoever wears it, and whenever it’s used the user can feel Uraziel drain a bit of his or her life force. So while it would certainly work, one would have to be careful not to go overboard with the power. We could conceivably wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth, but we’d have to share the Ring between a group to make sure no one drops dead. And then there’s the inherent problems of passing around a weapon like that.
Number Ten: The Brahmastra from Asura’s Wrath
Remember how I said the Death Star was disqualified? This is about as close as we can get.
The Brahmastra is the ultimate weapon of the Shinkoku Armada. It’s the ultimate weapon against the enemies of civilization, the tool the Eight Demigod Generals use against Vlitra, the Will of the Planet Gaea, and is a last resort that the gods themselves prefer not to pull out.
It’s a big fucking gun.
Powered by the mantra of trillions of souls from the mortals of the world, and once it shoots, it is unstoppable. Next to nothing can withstand its power. It would certainly incinerate Wardo no problem, tearing apart his body like a shredder. He could not endure it. He could not outrun it. He has no chance.
The main problem is kind of obvious though—it’s a giant laser. Like, it tears up landscapes. As an offensive weapon, there’s nothing that can get in the way of its power, but you’d glass a city in pursuit of killing a person. Granted, it might be worth it to rid the world of Edward Cullen, but for some I’d imagine that’d be too high a price.
This has been Juracan’s list on what’s most likely to be the best choice of fictional weapons to kill Edward Cullen. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.