One day, I thought a question that all young men find themselves pondering in this modern age: how would I go about killing Edward Cullen? I threw this idea out a couple times to my friends, and their first suggestions were all conventional vampire killing methods. The problem with this is that Stephenie Meyer did her best to make her vampire hero much harder to kill—stakes, swords, knives, running water, and silver don’t work on her vampires. To take it to further levels of absurdity (and Mary Sueness), Meyer seems to hold that there is no weapon in the real world that would be likely to kill her vampires.
A thought experiment, then: if all the weapons of the real world short of nukes wouldn’t work (ludicrous, but for the purpose of Meyer’s amusement, let’s assume she’s right), what weapons of the realms of fiction would be best for disposing of this pest? I’ve compiled a list of suggestions, and as the list goes on I intend to make clear each of the weapon’s advantages and disadvantages.
Now for the list I decided I’d only pick one entry from each fictional world. I also figured that the qualifying factor was that it had to be a weapon that could in theory be wielded by any person and was lower caliber than the Death Star—obviously it could kill Edward Cullen, but it would kill the rest of humanity too (although if Stephenie Meyer’s vision of an Earth ruled by nigh-indestructible vampires were real, we might be doing the planet a favor).
Without further adieu…
Number One: The Lightsaber from Star Wars
Well, duh. If this wasn’t one of the first things that popped in your head, go home. The lightsaber is one of the most iconic “kill anything” weapons. It’s a blade that’s made out of energy. There’s not a lot more to it than that. Well, yes, some can lengthen the blade, the hilt can be made into different shapes and there’s a certain amount of power in the power cell that never seems to run out, but it’s a fairly straightforward concept.
The only things a lightsaber blade cannot cut through are another beam of energy and certain alloys that are fairly rare in the Star Wars universe yet have this annoying habit of popping up at inconvenient moments. Now if we were to ask Stephenie Meyer I’m fairly certain she’d assure us that vampires are energy-proof or some such nonsense, but let’s be clear: this thing could definitely chop off Wardo’s noggin. And given that vampire bodies are filled with flammable venom, it’s safe to assume that putting a hot energy blade through it is going to have some devastating effects.
We have some pretty glaring problems here, though. Meyer’s vampires are super-fast. As in, Meyer says they can outrun an explosion. So while if Edward Cullen comes at you, you can get lucky, the fact is you’re swinging at something that’s unnaturally fast. If someone with that kind of speed has any idea what they’re doing, you’re not going to get far with that weapon.
Also, the weapon itself is unbalanced. A sword is easy to wield because it’s easy to tell where the blade will go by how hard you swing the handle. Because lightsaber blades are made of energy, they don’t weigh anything. The reason you hardly ever see anyone other than a Force-sensitive use the things is because people who are Force-sensitive have the reflexes necessary to not kill themselves, and even then they practice with weapons that have lower energy settings for years before they build their own weapons. Unless some of the readers here are Jedi Knights (or Sith Lords), which I doubt, I don’t think it’s a particularly useful weapon.
Number Two: Mjolnir from Thor
Hm… impressive. A giant hammer forged from the heart of a dying star that is wielded by the thunder god Thor to kill giants. It returns to the hand of the wielder when thrown and can definitely cause enough blunt force trauma to shatter Eddie C.’s stony face. Plus, you know, you can put it on his chest and he can’t lift it, because there’s no way he’s worthy of the power of Thor.
See, this weapon only works if we assume we get someone worthy, because no one else has the ability to wield the hammer. I don’t think it’d be that hard to find someone, all things considered, as given we live in a world of seven billion people, statistically finding someone that fits the bill couldn’t be too difficult.
The issue that was brought up with the lightsaber still applies here, though—vampires can move super fast. Granted, the hammer has special powers aside from hitting things, but I can’t exactly be sure that they can be wielded by anyone other than, you know, Thor. Like, summoning lightning would certainly be effective in killing Mr. Cullen, but I’m not sure if anyone who’s not a storm god can do it. And once again, I don’t know about you guys, but I’m not a storm god (I just borrowed one for my username).
Number Three: Soul Calibur from the Soul series
I considered putting Soul Edge on the list, but I decided that a demonic sword that possesses everyone who wields it and corrupts those who come into contact with it probably wouldn’t appeal to you guys.
Soul Calibur, on the other hand, is the sword that counters Soul Edge. Like Soul Edge, it changes itself to suit whatever fighting style the wielder is most comfortable with, and it can protect its host with a coat of nigh-impenetrable crystal and sustain life, as well as purifying unholy influences. This would get around that whole speed issue if applied correctly—if he can’t damage you, it doesn’t matter how fast the vampire goes.
It’s a perfect choice actually, except for one thing: the sword is kind of a dick. The sword might be the one that counters the evil Soul Edge, but it doesn’t really care who gets taken out on the way to destroying the world’s demonic influence. The spirit of the sword, Elysium, actually will possess the user fully and only the incredibly strong of will would be able to fight back. This could be… problematic in fighting a specific target, I imagine. I can’t imagine the sword not letting you kill Edward, but the risk of losing autonomy of one’s body might turn off some people’s willingness to wield the so-called “holy sword.”
Number Four: The Colt from Supernatural
Yes, vampires are supposedly bullet-proof, but they say this gun can kill anything. And that includes vampires. Granted, Lucifer claims he’s one of the five things in Creation the gun can’t kill, but its limits aren’t really elaborated on more than that. Given that the show has five named archangels (of which Lucifer is one), we can probably assume that the other archangels account for the remaining four. And even then, it certainly immobilized Lucifer for a while, and was shown to really hurt the bastard. So even the Devil himself isn’t completely immune to the weapon.
Which means it’s Cullen season!
The main obstacle in using this weapon effectively would be getting close enough to use it effectively without getting killed. The gun itself is also a revolver, meaning you should hit before you run out of shots, or else you’ll be killed while trying to reload. And you know, having that thing in the hands of a Cullen would suck.
Number Five: A Green Lantern Power Ring from Green Lantern
One of the most versatile weapons of any fictional universe, the Green Lantern Power Ring can easily put any normal human being in the big leagues with DC’s heavy hitters like Superman and Wonder Woman.
The power ring works like this: users can make constructs with the ring into any shape they imagine. The ring harnesses willpower, so the stronger your will, the stronger your constructs will be. Constructs can be anything—from swords and armor, to guns and shields, to straight up mechas and giant lawn mowers.
…or you can shoot lasers. Whatever.
The ring is an obvious choice for combat with a physically stronger opponent—it can make a shield around you to avoid anyone getting close and can be adaptable to almost any situation. Wardo’s speed means nothing if he can’t get close to you, and the ring provides all kinds of creative license to killing Mr. Cullen.
There are some downsides, of course. The ring does have a limited (though still great) amount of power, that needs to be recharged after a long period of usage using a power battery. The ring also has strengths and weakness based on other colors of the emotional spectrum—for example, in some stories it doesn’t work on anything the color yellow, so you’re going to have to be more creative if Edward decides to wear a yellow shirt. That being said, you can still throw stuff at him or move the ground he’s on, so it’s not too much of a limit.
Number Six: The Apple of Eden from Assassin’s Creed
The Apple is simultaneously one of the most exciting and one of the least exciting weapons on this list. It doesn’t really stab or shoot or do anything visceral, as much as make illusions and control people’s bodies by the user willing it to do so. But you can also use it to make people’s heads explode.
Oh yeah. Caught your attention there, didn’t I?
The Apple is a piece of incredibly powerful technology made by a precursor civilization, and it’s pretty much so advanced that it might as well be magic (and it has been mistaken for such in the past). You see, the lore of Assassin’s Creed states that humanity didn’t evolve as much as we were engineered by the First Civlization, who made us in their image. We were made a subservient race, though, and they needed a way to control us. Thus they implanted transmitters into our nervous systems and made devices that could send and receive signals to said transmitters and thereby control the nervous system.
It lets you control people like puppets, okay?
Members of the First Civilization didn’t have these transmitters, and some of them had children with humans, who, along with their descendents, gained immunity to the Apple. These people are a minority though. So it’s unlikely any of the Cullens were in that group when they were human.
The effectiveness of the Apple as a weapon is undeniable. You don’t have to worry about speed, because you just have to hold it and think to make it work. A thought, and Mr. Cullen’s head explodes. Or you can make him kill the rest of the Cullens. Whatever you want.
Here’s the main problem I see: Edward Cullen isn’t human. As far as I know, Meyer’s vampires still have their nervous systems intact, but it’s implied that vampires can still reassemble themselves after being dismembered, so it obviously doesn’t function the same way. Would the Apple work? It’s worth a shot, for certain, but there’s no guarantee that it’ll work.
Number Seven: The Speaking Gun from Nightside by Simon Greene
How do you kill something unkillable? Simple—you un-make it.
So God made everything in Creation by speaking its true name, right? The Speaking Gun, then, is a weapon that, when pointed at a target, will learn its true name and say it backwards, effectively un-creating it. Targets won’t die—they’ll have never been.
You’d have to take the time to point the thing at Edward, obviously, but once you do he’s a goner. You could probably take him by surprise if you played your cards right, and take out the whole Cullen family in one fell swoop.
Like many of the things on this list though, there is a downside: the gun is sentient, and it really likes un-making things. It wants nothing more than to go on a spree of tearing down all of Creation, and will push and tempt its wielder into doing so. So yes, we could easily use it to annihilate Wardo, but we might end up destroying a lot more than that if we’re not careful.
Also: it’s made of flesh. That might be kind of awkward to be carrying around.
Number Eight: The Master Bolt from Percy Jackson and the Olympians by Rick Riordan
…we’re going nuclear.
The Master Bolt is the symbol of power for the king of the gods: Zeus. Forged for the first war to use against his father, Kronos, the Master Bolt is the most powerful of all of Zeus’s weapons, the original lightning bolt, on which all the others are modeled. The Bolt is what blasted Kronos off his throne and blasted the top off the mountain.
It’s arguably the most powerful weapon the Olympians have.
Okay, so it seems a bit petty to use the weapon of Zeus on a guy because he’s an asshole, but… seriously, he deserves it. The full power doesn’t have to be used every time, either—we can just channel enough power to not wipe a town off the map.
Actually, it’s questionable whether or not a mortal can use the thing. You don’t have to be a full god, but it’s possible that only one with divine power, like a god or demigod, can use the Bolt at all, and that only the most powerful of the Olympians can use its maximum power setting. And like I said above, I’m not a god, just borrowed one’s name for a little while.
And, you know, there’s convincing Zeus to let you use it…
Number Nine: Solomon’s Ring from The Ring of Solomon by Jonathan Stroud
How do you go up from the chosen weapon of Zeus? I’ll tell you how: the Ring of Solomon.
In Stroud’s books, magicians get power not from any inherent abilities that they themselves have, but by summoning and enslaving spirits like djinn and afrits and getting them to do stuff for them. Magic items were made by binding powerful spirits, often marids, to an item and having them serve a specific function.
The reader never finds out how the Ring of Solomon was made, only that Solomon used it to pretty much do whatever he wanted and could threaten anyone with the Ring. Why? In the Ring was bound the most powerful spirit ever seen in the series—Uraziel. Just what is Uraziel? No one knows, just that its power is limitless, and can be summoned by just a turn of the Ring. Being a spirit, it would be impervious to most attacks unless attacking with a weapon made of silver or iron, and even then, being in the spiritual weight class it is, I don’t think killing it with iron would as simple as stabbing him.
There’s a catch, though… the Ring actually leeches life off of whoever wears it, and whenever it’s used the user can feel Uraziel drain a bit of his or her life force. So while it would certainly work, one would have to be careful not to go overboard with the power. We could conceivably wipe all vampires off the face of the Earth, but we’d have to share the Ring between a group to make sure no one drops dead. And then there’s the inherent problems of passing around a weapon like that.
Number Ten: The Brahmastra from Asura’s Wrath
Remember how I said the Death Star was disqualified? This is about as close as we can get.
The Brahmastra is the ultimate weapon of the Shinkoku Armada. It’s the ultimate weapon against the enemies of civilization, the tool the Eight Demigod Generals use against Vlitra, the Will of the Planet Gaea, and is a last resort that the gods themselves prefer not to pull out.
It’s a big fucking gun.
Powered by the mantra of trillions of souls from the mortals of the world, and once it shoots, it is unstoppable. Next to nothing can withstand its power. It would certainly incinerate Wardo no problem, tearing apart his body like a shredder. He could not endure it. He could not outrun it. He has no chance.
The main problem is kind of obvious though—it’s a giant laser. Like, it tears up landscapes. As an offensive weapon, there’s nothing that can get in the way of its power, but you’d glass a city in pursuit of killing a person. Granted, it might be worth it to rid the world of Edward Cullen, but for some I’d imagine that’d be too high a price.
—-
This has been Juracan’s list on what’s most likely to be the best choice of fictional weapons to kill Edward Cullen. Feel free to add your own suggestions in the comments.
Pryotra on 19 January 2013, 23:36 said:
EXCALIBUR! (Along with its scabbard)
Also known as Calibern and even Caledfwlch, the sword has existed in Welsh legend since at least 1100, where we have our first known (written) source. It was said that the sword could cut through anything and would blind its enemy, and if you wore it with the scabbard, you’re pretty near invulnerable. Edward Cullen’s skin might be as hard as diamonds, but a sword that could cut through steel as if it was butter would probably be able to leave some wounds even on that hard head.
Of course, there is the downside that you have to be the rightful king of England to wield the sword (in some stories) or at least to find it. Though, face it, it would be rather awesome to see Her Majesty cut his head off with it.
Excellent article by the way, I couldn’t get enough of the mental image of Edward sitting like Loki with Mjolnir on his chest.
Takugifian on 19 January 2013, 23:50 said:
I would like to submit the axe Azuredge from Baldur’s Gate 2, which returns to the wielder’s hand once thrown, and is specifically designed to destroy undead. Coupled with the sensate amulet, which offers permanent protection from evil (e.g. all undead and vampires) for the wearer.
Master Chief on 20 January 2013, 00:11 said:
Allow me to make a suggestion: A laser pointer.
You place the red dot on Cullen’s chest, or on the Cullen’s house, for that matter, and let the targeting computers of the Battlestars Galactica and Pegasus zero in on it. After several seconds of computing, the two battlestars will unleash an orbital bombardment of 1000 millimeter railgun projectiles fired at speeds upwards of 10 km/sec., not including the effects of gravity. The resulting detonations will vaporize Edward Cullen, the entire Cullen clan if they are in the area, and several acres of northern Washington wilderness.
The only downside of this is that it is best to be used in a sneak attack in a sparsely inhabited area. To be fair that is where Edward Cullen usually hangs out.
Snow White Queen on 20 January 2013, 00:20 said:
If we wanted to go mythical, we could use the actual Brahmastra from the Mahabharatha, which was probably the inspiration for the Brahmastra that you listed.
Oculus_Reparo on 20 January 2013, 01:07 said:
It looks like several of these would work if you could get the vampire to stay still for long enough, or if the vampire didn’t see it coming. So you would need a distraction—like Bella, or a mirror, or a clothing store.
You could just hide under Bella’s bed with the speaking gun and wait until Edward sneaked through the window . . .
Danielle on 20 January 2013, 01:12 said:
…..why not just send him to Tartarus?
I mean, if we’re going to go into the Percy Jackson universe, why not tell Hades/Pluto that Edward has cheated Thanatos/is dooming his girlfriend to an eternity on Earth/ touched Bianca inappropriately, let him rage for a few minutes, and suggest Tartarus as a punishment? Once there, puny little Edward would come across the half-formed (but still dangerous and creepy as heck) pieces of the Titans and the most dangerous monsters. I don’t think a pretty boy who sparkles and is fond of screaming “THIS IS THE SKIN OF A KILLER!” would last long among such hardened criminals, do you?
Fireshark on 20 January 2013, 01:39 said:
I would kill him by fashioning a bullet out of whatever vampire teeth are made of (it could probably be recreated in a lab, assuming we had a sample), and then shooting it at him with a high powered rifle while he was incapacitated by this:
Assuming vampire eyes work like other animal eyes (and really, is there any other way they could work?) they could be temporarily blinded by certain specialty weapons, which would give us time for a precise shot to the heart.
Master Chief on 20 January 2013, 01:42 said:
use logic and reasoning to cause his brain to break
Fair on 20 January 2013, 02:00 said:
Unless sparklepires are somehow immune to magic, I think a simple avada kedavra should work splendidly.
Taku on 20 January 2013, 03:10 said:
I don’t know, Fair, it only seems to have made him stronger and gloomier last time.
lilyWhite on 20 January 2013, 07:07 said:
To heck with fancy magical artifacts, just point a Reaper Blackstar at him. If it can one-shot a Banshee, then it certainly can one-shot a Meyerpire.
Pryotra on 20 January 2013, 08:02 said:
Oh, oh, maybe Death’s scythe or Death’s sword from the Discworld universe. Those are supposed to cut through SOULS, so Wardo’s shiny, sparkly skin wouldn’t matter either!
I’m not sure about Avada Kadavra. Isn’t he already dead?
Juracan on 20 January 2013, 09:49 said:
I considered that, actually, but overall, I decided not to include mythical/theological weapons at all. You’ll notice the mythical weapons I list are the versions from fictional portrayals— rather than the Mjolnir from Norse mythology, it’s the one from the Marvel universe, and things like that. I figured if I went with actual mythologies I’d keep trying to one-up different mythological weapons, which might be slightly offensive if anyone was actually a practitioner of those religions.
I considered that as well, but along with my points on mythological weapons above, I didn’t know if I could find one defining list of characteristics of Caliburn that everyone could agree on. That, and I thought after what I said on the disadvantages of the lightsaber, it would be redundant and not be as interesting to talk about.
The thing is, though, that I’m going strictly with weapons— I considered several characters who could kill Edward Cullen, and the gods of the Percy Jackson-verse were on that list, but for this particular thought experiment I stuck with weapons.
I was actually arguing whether to put Zeus’s lightning bolt (described in the essay) or Kronos’s scythe (which will split the mortal soul from the body). I decided on Zeus’s bolt because of the raw power of it. And it just sounded cool.
The Elder Wand was actually on my draft list, but I didn’t put it because A) we didn’t have a strict demonstration of its full capabilities in any of the seven books and B) I said I wanted to do weapons that theoretically anyone could use. How many of you guys are wizards, I don’t know.
Fun facts! Other things that were considered but didn’t make the final list:
-Lord Vile’s armor from Skulduggery Pleasant
-Any weapon from Halo, including the Halo Rings
-The Right Hand of Doom from Hellboy
-The Armageddon Blade from Darksiders
Epke on 20 January 2013, 10:38 said:
I love you =D Yes, the Ring is insanely powerful, and I don’t think iron or silver would harm Uraziel, as he is sealed within the Ring – you need to destroy the Ring to free him and before he is drawn back to the Other Place, you need to kill him. Of course, a being that’s greater than Ramuthra would probably only be tickled by silver. Against all the vampires in the world though, I think one person could do it: the Ring draws on the user’s lifeforce in proportion to their request. Spontaneous matter transfer seems to be very low on the list, so at least putting them all together in a room and have Uraziel open a rift or gate to the Other Place in the same room would turn ‘em all into slush, could be feasible.
I’d suggest the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Yeah.
Deborah on 20 January 2013, 11:15 said:
If your talking Star Wars, what about a blaster? That has the advantage that you don’t have to have any special powers to use it.
I was also thinking of numerous special swords from various fantasy books, though some of them have already been mentioned (would celestial bronze work against vampires? Or Stygian iron?).
Or what about the bells of necromancers from the Old Kingdom trilogy? Since Edward is undead . . .
Apep on 20 January 2013, 11:47 said:
Those might work, but again you have to be the Abhorsen to use them and not be, you know, evil.
@Master Chief: Well if we’re bringing in orbital strikes, why not bring in some ships from the Imperial Navy and go full on Exterminatus on him? True, it would also wipe out all life on the planet (if not destroy the planet in the process) but hey, “there’s no such thing as overkill.”
Brendan Rizzo on 20 January 2013, 13:25 said:
This suggestion might be a little too silly for this discussion, but how about the Invincibility Star from the Super Mario games? It makes the user, well, invincible for a short time, and while they’re invincible kills everything they touch. If it works on bosses (assuming you reach them in time) then it would definitely kill Edward.
swenson on 20 January 2013, 15:39 said:
@lily – haha, I was going to mention Mass Effect weapons too! See, they’re from the future, so they’re designed to punch through heavy duty future armor (and energy shields). I think a sufficiently large gun—let’s say a Widow sniper rifle—could do some serious damage to Eddie, even before you remember that you can use incendiary ammo.
Which brings me to my next point… fire in general is good against Edward, no? So let’s take a flamethrower of some type, like the Flamer from Fallout or one of the Pyro’s flamethrowers from Team Fortress 2. That’d probably do some damage (although possibly not fast enough before he killed you… worth it).
Or why not just plain magic? If we all went to a universe where magic was common (let’s say the Elder Scrolls universe, where just about everybody can use magic), then some fire spells could do some serious damage, even if Eddie turned out to be resistant to most other magic.
lilyWhite on 20 January 2013, 15:46 said:
Speaking of the Super Star: the hammer. THE HAMMER FROM SUPER SMASH BROS.
(pictures Edward Cullen being smashed progressively higher and higher into the sky)
Finn on 20 January 2013, 17:41 said:
I think the problem with Edward Cullen specifically is that, while it is easy to forget this, he can read minds. It would be hard to get close to him without him knowing. And even if one was able to block the thought of killing him from their minds, Alice might warn him. Therefore, we would have to catch him at a time when Alice was far away from him (Or find some way to capture her, or kill her off first) And our chosen hero/ine would have to find some way of guarding his/her mind.
I know it’s been mentioned that one weapons are being discussed, but what about Alchemy from FullMetal Alchemist? Or the Philosopher’s Stone? I mean, think about it! Roy Mustang could fry Cullen before he could even move! And with the Philosophers stone, someone could transmutate him into a rock or something! And because Alchemy is so complicated and Cullen is from a different universe, he might not even realize what’s happening, even if he can read minds.
Brendan Rizzo on 20 January 2013, 18:54 said:
We’re all forgetting that, since Edward is a Stu, his creator will protect him from all harm even if doing so makes no sense. Thus, I’m sure that if she were asked if these weapons from other series could kill her vampires, Meyer would say no, that Edward’s skin is something a lightsaber cannot break, that Edward is worthy enough to lift Thor’s hammer, that since Edward doesn’t drink human blood he isn’t a target of the Soul Calibur, that vampires are collectively one of the five things the Colt from Supernatural cannot kill, that Edward’s willpower is greater than any Green Lantern’s, that vampires are all immune to the Apple of Eden, that Edward’s (and Bella’s) true name is a pallindrome so the Speaking Gun won’t do anything to him, that vampires would just sparkle if struck by lightning, that Edward would convince Uraziel not to kill him, and that vampire skin is even immune to the Brahmastra.
Long story short, if we’re bringing these weapons from other fictional universe’s into Twilight’s universe, they wouldn’t work. Bringing Edward into one of these other universes without Meyer’s protection, however— that’s another matter.
Yes, I know that what I just said makes no sense.
Apep on 20 January 2013, 18:58 said:
Actually, it all makes perfect sense. That’s possibly the saddest part of all this.
Master Chief on 20 January 2013, 19:27 said:
@finn hence we use orbital bombardment
Juracan on 20 January 2013, 20:26 said:
Like I said, I tried to take only one weapon from every canon/franchise/fictional universe. I thought the lightsaber was the most iconic and obvious one, so I didn’t go into others, thought I did think about blasters and disintegrators for a while…
If I went into every weapon in a fictional universe, I’d be listing a lot of weapons from Star Wars, nearly every weapon from Halo, and all the various weapons from Supernatural.
I thought about them too, but then I figured my analysis would be too much like that of the lightsaber— good, but not fast enough.
Er… I was kind of hoping not to kill everyone. That was the point of putting the Death Star as the limit of firepower.
I like this one! You’d just have to taunt the egotistical bugger and he’d attack you without you having to move. The second he touches you he’s dead.
Certainly very important to remember. We’d have to distract him with something really big, or stick him in a crowd so that the killer could be drowned out.
This is why we’re discussing this on a website Stephenie Meyer most certainly does not visit and not asking her in person. ‘Cause this crossed my mind when I was writing this— that Meyer honestly WOULD just say something ridiculous to get around them all, kind of like I did when I was playing with my brother when I was four years old. Except, you know, I don’t do that now because I’m not four years old.
Agreed. Meyer’s universe seems to warp to fit her protagonists’ desires. I imagine it’s Hell for some of its other inhabitants.
We need to bring them into another one, one where they wouldn’t stand a chance. Any suggestions as to the best one?
Fireshark on 20 January 2013, 20:34 said:
We could just chuck the Eye of Argon at him.
swenson on 20 January 2013, 21:37 said:
lololol, the ruby (sorry, “scarlet emerald”) or the story? Because I’m pretty sure either would kill him just as well.
See, what we need here is just to import a character along with their weapons. You bring in Revan or some other Jedi, they’d probably have the speed and mental fortitude to counteract Eddie. (Why Revan, as opposed to, say, Luke? Because Revan is awesome.)
Although once you start bringing in characters, then you just have to bring in Superman to hurl him into the sun and our fun is over.
Deborah on 20 January 2013, 23:00 said:
I’d suggest the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch. Yeah.
And maybe the Killer Rabbit?
Apep on 20 January 2013, 23:17 said:
I don’t know. The Rabbit’s a bit too dangerous to let on the loose, and I’m honestly not sure how much difference there is between the Holy Hand Grenade and a regular grenade.
Epke on 21 January 2013, 12:33 said:
But that’s the beauty of it :) It doesn’t matter if Uraziel doesn’t want to – he is bound to the will of whoever wears the Ring: djinni, human, animal, whatever. Sorry, I’m still smiling from the mental image of Edward and Co being turned into liquid and sucked into a dimension portal.
The Rabbit might be overkill, yes… though, as it uses its teeth to attack and rip and maim, would it be affected by the venom if it ingested some?
Uhm… it’s from Antioch? I don’t know :(
Taku on 21 January 2013, 18:13 said:
The difference is that the Holy Hand Grenade explodes on a count of five (three, sir) Three. Not two, and not four. Five is right out.
goldedge on 22 January 2013, 03:40 said:
Stormbringer from Micheal Moorcock’s Elric Books. Or pretty much any magic sword from fiction. although I might be worth using soul egde to kill Edward (as well vampire Bella and there demon-spawn child.)
Oh, and since you brought Simon R. Green’s Nightside books I would also use Oathbeaker from Secret Histories. It’s a long stick of ironwood with pre-human symbols. It undoes all agreements, all bonds… right down to the atomic level. just hit him on the head and POOF atomic dust. Now granted, there is a slight chance Wardo would reassemble himself. But, it wouldn’t be anytime soon (Worst-Case scenario pour and light gasoline on the reassembling Wardo parts).
also Magic from Harry Dresden and D&D.
Deborah on 22 January 2013, 08:57 said:
^Yes, Harry could probably set Edward on fire, couldn’t he?
E.T. on 22 January 2013, 09:33 said:
Harry could definitely do the job.
Hey, there’s a weapon from the Dresden File – mordite! And, unlike a sword, you don’t have to get close to use it.
Tim on 22 January 2013, 10:34 said:
Yeah, or you could just make him read the Harry Dresden books until he dies of concentrated immaturity.
goldedge on 23 January 2013, 00:20 said:
Also Stark form the Sandman Slim novels. Besides being half-angel, if Edward drinks his blood it’s toxic to vampires. Plus he can summon and angelic firesword.
goldedge on 24 January 2013, 20:07 said:
Charles Barkley’s Chaos dunk. From Barkley shut up and jam: Gaiden. the would kill Edward.
OrganicLead on 26 January 2013, 01:10 said:
Why not try a few non-conventional methods?
We assume Edward has to get his hair cut somewhere, and Meyer never mentioned the Cullen family having any special rituals for disposing of hair. We could awlays get his hair and curse him with a voodoo doll/poppet.
There’s also medusa’s gaze. While he’s immune to being killed, no one ever said he can’t be turned to stone.
We can also use a spell to turn him into a frog. After all, no one said that transforming him was out of the question either.
If that fails, send him to Silent Hill. He has enough angst to feed that place and let it torment him.
Deborah on 4 February 2013, 22:32 said:
^ Transformation could work.
You could turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then put that flea in a box, and put that box inside another box, and then mail that box to yourself, and when it arrives—YOU SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!
Asahel on 4 February 2013, 22:57 said:
But would that work when he’s already chiseled like some kind of beautiful marble?
Juracan on 5 February 2013, 14:30 said:
…you win. Seriously. This is my favorite comment on this subject.
My impression is that the only ones it doesn’t work on are the gods themselves. I’m sure Meyer would insist that it wouldn’t work, but… yeah. Medusa’s head. There’s one I definitely should have thought of. You just have to be really careful with that.
Deborah on 6 February 2013, 17:08 said:
^Maybe Yzma could take out Edward.
“I feel like I’m talking to a monkey. A. Really. Big. Stupid. Sparkly. Monkey. Named. Edward. And I never liked your Volvo. NEVER!”
Moron on 9 March 2013, 23:06 said:
The Fairy Godmother’s wand from Cinderella would work.
If we’re importing people now, then there’s a lot of pokemon and trainers who can easily do the job. Mewtwo would probably kill Edward if you asked nicely. There’s also pretty much any ninja from the Naruto series. Uchiha Itachi would fit the role particularly well: he’s part of an organization known for hiring out some of the most powerful ninja in the series at ridiculously low prices, he’s got a technique that could let him torture Edward for three days in a dream world when in reality only a few seconds would have passed and all it requires is that Edward look him in the eyes briefly (which would definitely incapacitate Edward, vampire or no), he specializes in illusions and fire techniques, and he’s really good with a sword.
“You could turn him into a flea, a harmless little flea, and then put that flea in a box, and put that box inside another box, and then mail that box to yourself, and when it arrives—YOU SMASH IT WITH A HAMMER!”
But then you’d have to set it on fire, and knowing Edward, he’d use his utterly ridiculous speed to get out of there just as the hammer broke the box but before anything could touch him. And then, since he’s a vegetarian vampire flea, he’d kill your dog.
Crepuscular Lividity on 29 December 2013, 23:59 said:
I don’t think you’d actually need a weapon.
Vampires can go really, really fast, right? How fast is that, anyway? Judging by what I’ve seen, they don’t really seem to be affected by inertia or air resistance. For all I know, they could, if they wanted to, go almost the speed of light. And, if my flaky knowledge of physics is correct, if they actually did that, say, if someone tricked them into it (which honestly shouldn’t be too hard), they would by hurled into the distant future from where there is no return, sparkles or not.
Epke on 30 December 2013, 08:18 said:
I think it was calculated that Edward could run at 180 mph (about 290 km/h) and he’s fast for a vampire, so there are limits. Preposterous limits, but still. However, I don’t think that’d work, Lividity: Meyer’s sparkle fairies defy such common things as physics… like any description of them driving.
HamsterZerg on 30 December 2013, 09:53 said:
Since Sparklepants is the closest thing any unlikeable character has gotten to a Hydreigon, I suggest we sic a Sylveon on him.
Of course, if a Poke’mon can’t do the trick, we could try something like a Digimon. I’m pretty sure that nobody in Forks could grasp the concept of data-based lifeforms, whose minds would be unintelligible to beings like Sparklepants.
Of course, we could also send Dante. He killed Death, so Sparklepants would be an easy opponent.
Or we could even get the Pyro to burn Sparklepants to ashes.
If the Pyro fails, we could get Deadpool, who tends to break the fourth wall a lot, which would probably break Sparklepants’s mind.
Speaking of the fourth wall, if Deadpool fails, we could get Linkara. From the safety of his perch at the top of said wall, he and his magic gun would gladly shoot down Sparklepants without the abomination realizing their presence until it dies.