Guys, the dating scene sucks in my area. I’ve almost given up hope that I can find the perfect man to make me a woman in every meaningful way. wink wink I mean, with sexy hunks like Edward Cullen and Patch Cipriano to populate my most intimate fantasies of what it’s like to be in a relationship where I finally get to lose my virginity in the most steamy and perfect way possible, the “men” in my area just can’t compare.

I mean, sure, they’ll open doors for me, but that’s the minimum level of courtesy expected around these here parts; and sure, they’ll pay attention to all my wants and needs, spending a lot more money on me than they can afford, but that’s just how things are when you’re as gorgeous as I am; and of course they’ll meet my dad and ask him first before taking me out somewhere on a date, because that’s what proper gentlemen do, you know. But they’re really bad about the whole watching me all night long while I sleep thing (stupid “I need sleep too” excuse), and the being assertive to the point where they can sweep me off my feet despite my violent protests thing (Is it really too much to ask that most guys be better than me at martial arts?), and the taking stock of my mood and where I am in my menstrual cycle and everything by getting a good whiff of me thing (which I can’t believe so many people have trouble with because menstrual blood reeks of hormones and bloody bloodiness).

I mean, a vampire or a werewolf or an angel would know. But not the guys I know. They’re only human.

Then again, this is reality we’re talking about, and I’m human too, even if I am a super special snowflake, so it’s not like I can blame them for being human. That would be ridiculous. Not to mention, anti-my-own-species-ist which, considering my rather strong instinct to propagate my own species, would be rather crazy, to boot.

And so I turn to the internet to find my perfect man, since the men in my immediate vicinity just aren’t cutting it, and you guys here at II seem to be pretty cool. I foresee you being far more likely to have among your ranks one whom I could call my perfect man.

So here’s a test. Hit me up if you make it all the way through, and I’ll happily hit you back.

But no cheating. I will find out, and I will be most displeased. Like, “I will end the entire rest of the world because my own world has ended and everyone dies” displeased.

1. Are you hot?

If yes, proceed to #2.
If no, go away.

2. Are you scintillatingly hot?

If yes, proceed to #3.
If no, join my harem of eye candy.

3. Are you the hottest man to ever walk the Earth hot?

If yes, begone you liar. Everyone knows Mr. Darcy is the hottest man to ever walk the Earth ever.
If no, post pics and proceed to #4.

4. Are you decisive?

Then you’ll know what to do.
Otherwise, bugger off.

5. To the point you make decisions for other people?

Because decision-making is so difficult for those lesser wills.
Like yours.

6. And would make all my decisions for me?

Because I can’t be worrying my pretty little head over silly things like money, now can I.
Except you care too much to infringe upon my basic human right to choice, period. And I’m not buying it, Mr. Nice Guy.

7. Including what I eat?

Because one of us needs to watch my weight.
You wimp.

8. And when precisely I answer the call of nature?

If yes, ew… you sick freak.
If no, thank you for respecting my privacy. Proceed to the next question.

9. Did you respect my privacy because you were squeamish?

If yes, at least you’re honest, but my man needs to have guts of mythril and not be grossed out by anything. I do have a sister though.
If no, aw… how sweet.

10. Because you have Convictions?

I like a man with Convictions. Do continue.
Otherwise, grow a spine, dude.

11. Do these Convictions tie into world domination?

Aren’t we ambitious. Do tell me more.
What’s the matter? Proceed to #15.

12. Do I get to be the Queen of All I Survey?

#14
#15

13. And we wouldn’t have enough time together?

You’re just making me fall in love with you now, but you’re not there yet…
And I’m over you just like that.

14. Does this include your heart?

Thanks! Now if you’d just lie down on this stone altar over here, I’ll start sharpening my dagger…
Sensible. To #16.

15. Too much paperwork?

I feel you. Head to #13.
Get thee to #17.

16. Still following me?

Keep following.
You poor, lost soul. I almost take pity upon you. But not enough to actually deign to seriously associate myself with your person.

17. Not enough patience to deal with idiots?

You’re going to need to acquire lots if you want to be with me. Until then, so long.
You need more ambition, mister. How can I know you won’t just be The Lump, even (especially) in bed? I can’t. So bye.

17. Ha?

Ha! We progress.
. . . ? You need to work on your communication skills.

19. WHY NOT?

Because #10.
Because #17.

18. Still following me?

Good boy.
Good boy.

21. Which number did I not skip in order?

You will be quizzed. Until then, #22.
Failure.

22.

Are you a girl?

Head to #30.
Get thee to #23.

23. Does your beauty compare to mine?

If yes, sorry. I can’t have anyone outshining me. Not even the love of my life. It was nice knowing you. Not.
I’ll help you through your self esteem issues if you help me through mine. Off you go to twenty-four.

25. Do you see the obvious?

There is hope for you yet.
Now stop lying.

26. Are you a beast?

Sorry. Not into bestiality.
I suppose I can accept metaphorical bestiality.

27. Can you turn me on?

If yes, it would behoove you to remember in the future that I am not a machine. Now die.
Well, you’re useless.

28. Feed me?

That’s not food.
That’s not food.

29. The two tons of manganese orationis clams? [translation required]

YES! YOU ARE MINE! TRUE LOVE WITH MY PERFECT MAN AT LAST!!!
Or not.

#30. EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I HATE YOU FOREVER YOU SICK CHARLATAN!

OMG! I now have my perfect ma— waitasec. What do you mean no man honestly passed my test?! Internet, how DARE you get my hopes all up and FAIL ME?!INTERROBANGMOAR

Now I’ll have to destroy the world. Nothing worthwhile could possibly exist in this world where I cannot find True Love with my Perfect Man.

Mayan Apocalypse, I make thee REAL!!!

Tagged as: , , , , , , , ,

Comment

  1. swenson on 11 September 2012, 19:58 said:

    What a useful test! I’m going to start using it immediately.

    Also:

    Everyone knows Mr. Darcy is the hottest man to ever walk the Earth ever.

    Agreed.

  2. Requiem on 11 September 2012, 20:42 said:

    Its like a mary sue test for RL women. Although i’m sure not all women are as egotistically picky about who they choose to be their mate. In fact some girls fall for cheap lines and douchebags, so perhaps there is still hope for people who are not quite Superman but not quite so low as to resort to lines no person with dignity would actually use.

    However there is a simple test for what guys want
    1. Is she hot?
    2. ???
    3. Profit

  3. Pryotra on 11 September 2012, 20:49 said:

    This test is perfect. Utterly perfect. It’s what every overly hormonal teenage girl needs to read!

    Everyone knows Mr. Darcy is the hottest man to ever walk the Earth ever.

    Double agreed.

  4. Kyllorac on 11 September 2012, 21:24 said:

    Although i’m sure not all women are as egotistically picky about who they choose to be their mate.

    You underestimate the power of hotness. If he’s a looker, we’ll forgive the cheap or the douchery for the sake of having man candy on arm. Because making other women go “OMGHESOHOT!!!” bitch envy is the most important thing in life.

    Any woman who tells you otherwise is either a good liar or unlovable.

  5. Pryotra on 11 September 2012, 21:38 said:

    we’ll forgive the cheap or the douchery for the sake of having man candy on arm. Because making other women go “OMGHESOHOT!!!” bitch envy is the most important thing in life.

    Absolutely. That’s the point of thing like Hush Hush to remind us of just how important looks really are!

    Any woman who tells you otherwise is either a good liar or unlovable.

    I’m both actually.

  6. Licht on 11 September 2012, 23:32 said:

    Too bad I’m a woman. You’re truly adorable! ;D

  7. Jaggers on 12 September 2012, 01:58 said:

    Where’s #24?

    May I presume the questionnaire was modeled after the most masochistic Choose Your Own Adventure books?

    What is food?

  8. Minoan Ferret on 12 September 2012, 06:18 said:

    Failed at question 1…

  9. Fell Blade on 12 September 2012, 12:20 said:

    May I presume the questionnaire was modeled after the most masochistic Choose Your Own Adventure books?

    Hahahaha!!! yup.

    7. Including what I eat?
    Because one of us needs to watch my weight.

    That is priceless! Sad thing is, something along these lines does take place a lot. I’ve seen girls that are real skinny and their guy friends are all like “You need to eat, you need to eat, blah, blah, blah”. And because they are getting attention and feel that someone is concerned about them, the girls continue to lose weight to the point that it becomes unhealthy. Seen it happen. It’s really pathetic.

  10. Wraith Attendant on 12 September 2012, 13:26 said:

    It occurred to me: Does this quiz ever technically disqualify you if you’re a woman? Closest I can find is on #29 and maybe #10, though there’s some wiggle-room for creative interpretation.

  11. Kyllorac on 12 September 2012, 13:39 said:

    @Jaggers

    You have seen the obvious. Congratulations.

    Sad thing is, something along these lines does take place a lot.

    Yup. Over- and underweight, and even when a girl is a healthy weight, people feel compelled to comment on her eating habits.

    @Wraith

    See #22.

  12. Epke on 12 September 2012, 14:13 said:

    Hehe, this reminds me of a dating video on a British sketch-show called Smack the Pony. It’s a woman who describes her perfect man: rich, but doesn’t care about money, spontaneous when it comes to presents but can also get her things she wants, really, really good-looking but doesn’t know it, well-endowed but doesn’t use the whole penis all the time, hilarious sense of humour but can be serious, and really tough but also gentle… and she finishes it with adding “And he’s got to be able to fly”. Simply the unattainable perfection we, or at least women (I say “women” loosely here, because certain female protagonists have not earned the right to be called such a beautiful creature) in YA novels constantly seem to find.

  13. Prince O' Tea on 13 September 2012, 18:08 said:

    Watched A Single Man today.

    Colin Firth’s ass: worth the effort of recording it on the digibox.