Dear SlyShy,
The other day I was taken to Wal-Mart by my mother. I like to think I’m classier than the type of person who I usually see in Wal-Mart purchasing goods made entirely by starving underpaid minors in China, but I was pretty gross that humid day so I’m sure I fit right in.
What I noticed immediately on entering the place was that it looked like Twilight, Inc had a breathless orgasm in the very center, liberally tossing Edward dolls and Forks High School t-shirts every which way until goddamn near everything was covered in black and gold and that typeface I can no longer stand to look at. Wal-Mart, you are completely predictable, and I am so disappointed in you.
But it did give me an idea! I propose that we start putting your face on everything.
Think about it. We can wring obscene amounts of money out of squealing fangirls and never have to think about putting ads anywhere—and all you’ll have to do is never leave your house again! (I say that because I know you don’t like blood thrown all over you.)
Here are my proposed products:
SlyShy dollies! They’re not made with your actual hair, but we’ll claim that on the box so the fangirls don’t try ripping your hair off and replacing the plastic hair with yours. Also that may lead to someone attempting voodoo or something, and if I learned anything from middle school it’s that voodoo is absolutely never to be messed with.
SlyShy t-shirts! I’ll do the photoshopping myself, because your eyebrows don’t make you look nearly brooding enough. Stop waxing them. Also, please don’t have sex with anything, because fangirls really love virgins. Sorry if that cuts into your plans.
Vials of SlyShy venom! Not yours, of course, the possibilities of voodoo are too great to ignore, plus I don’t think you’re related to any sort of snake or komodo dragon. Instead, I will supply rattlesnake venom. It works almost the same, except rattlesnake venom doesn’t turn you into a rattlesnake.
SlyShy brand puppies!
Slylight! Yes, an official book series, starring a female character with no personality to speak of and you. The cover of book one will depict a pair of hands holding a tomato. This represents your unending desire for delicious tomatoblood. The cover of book two, entitled Dead Raccoon, depicts a dead raccoon. Nothing is more brooding than roadkill. If you have any ideas for the third and fourth books, please let me know. Additionally, I will begin work on a fifth book written from your point of view, but I will cancel it after Reginald leaks it or something.
I hope you take my proposal into consideration! This is a lucrative plan I’m sure you won’t regret.
Beans,
Kitty
theArmourer on 23 March 2010, 16:55 said:
>.<
Romantic Vampire Lover on 23 March 2010, 17:12 said:
Sly, you should totally go for it. :D
Thanks for that, Kitty. ;P
Puppet on 23 March 2010, 18:53 said:
Haha, well done, Kitty.
Danielle on 23 March 2010, 21:49 said:
Whatever sugar-laced thing you’ve been eating, Kitty, keep eating it if it gives you more genius ideas like this!
Book 3 of Slylight: Overdose. Since there’s nothing more romantic than being compared to illegal drugs, the idea of a guy overdosing on his favorite (you) will send most teenage girls swooning!
Book 4: Redemption Gardens. This would end up being the name of the rehab center that the heroine goes to because she’s been hallucinating about an immortal boyfriend named Sly who spies on her at night, gives her tomatoes as gifts and paints pictures of dead raccoons for her.
Diamonte on 23 March 2010, 21:58 said:
I’d buy sexy Sly merchandise.
>.>
<.<
Spanman on 23 March 2010, 23:41 said:
I would so buy Sly merchandise.
Snow White Queen on 24 March 2010, 01:52 said:
Sign me up for a SlyShy brand puppy.
Big Tit Buffoon on 24 March 2010, 10:45 said:
i want to slober alllllll over you shy guy ;
) ;) ;-)fffan on 25 March 2010, 06:48 said:
Slyshy life-sized cutouts. I would buy them!
SlyShy on 25 March 2010, 11:39 said:
They already make SlyShy branded puppies. I think they call them “wolves”. :P
Puppet on 25 March 2010, 15:26 said:
Good god, SlyShy branded sex toys?
brainbleach naoSnow White Queen on 25 March 2010, 20:19 said:
Puppet is such a mature 13 year old. I swear, I was an oblivious little thing at that age. XD
Puppet on 26 March 2010, 00:51 said:
What I would give to become a oblivious little thing…
What’s seen cannot be unseen.
Kyllorac on 26 March 2010, 01:24 said:
You’ll survive.
hands over more brainbleach and pills
Steph (what is left) on 26 March 2010, 08:15 said:
squeals Goodbye Murtagh and RPattz!!! Guess who my new crush is…
Plus Sly already has his own ImpishIdea cult, so we can just build on that.
bows down to lord and master of II
DrAlligator on 28 March 2010, 21:55 said:
> hands over more brainbleach and pills
What are you giving him brain bleach and pills for? What he needs is a tissuebox by his bed, or an old sock.
Puppet on 28 March 2010, 22:09 said:
It’s sad because I know what you’re talking about. >.>
Steph on 29 March 2010, 23:54 said:
I don’t understand but I’m going to laugh anyway.
Lucy Gray on 11 May 2010, 09:47 said:
Oh dear. Goddess, save us all! haha, but I would sooo buy Slyshy merch. and ImpishIdea merch. that’d be great, hahaha!
swenson on 4 June 2010, 17:41 said:
jawdrop
Kitty, I nominate you for ruler of the Earth. This is amazing!
…SlyShy underwear? And sheets?
Wad on 31 December 2012, 15:57 said:
For years, I have Edwarded this site and watched it while it slept, smelled my monitor and occasionly (just occasionally) hissed at it to see if I was a vampire. Apparently not. I can only growl, and either I’m frequently killed and resurrected or I can still sleep.
Anyway, make the SlyShy products. I already bought my SlyShy puppy, and she needs SlyShy Dog Food.
She just ate my hand and I’m typing this while screaming.