If you’re like me, your two favorite series are Eragon and Twilight. I have compiled a small guide for you, dearest gentle sexy reader, on how to be just like the characters in these two assuredly awesome series.

Eragon: First you’re going to have to fix your hair. It’s too messy. Comb it. Like, right now. If it’s not brown, roll around in some mud or chocolate until it is. Check your eye color. If it’s brown, you’re done. If it’s not brown, stab yourself in both your eyes with a letter opener. Blood dries from crimson to brown. Lucky you. Now check your mirror again. Point your ears artificially by pinching the upper part and pulling up. Now for your face! If you are not sexy, go to the nearest plastic surgery clinic and ask for the Deluxe Sexifying Package. When you wake up you will be left with an enormous bill and the most gorgeous, if a little stiff, visage anyone has ever seen. Now hit the gym, say deep things like “the songs of the dead are the lamentations of the living,” and ogle the groins of others in the locker room. Make sure you have basically no personality.

Murtagh: Brood sexily. Hate everything, but sexily. Angst over your father being a horrible villain. Wear dark clothes. Sexily. If you are unable to be sexy, stop eating until you are. If fangirls begin to chase you, don’t run. Use the power of your hotness to fly into the night like Batman with better hair. If you are unable to fly into the night using your hotness alone, procure an extremely sawed-off shotgun and fire directly downward. Or use said shotgun to kill fangirls, but that is illegal. Unless you are sexy enough to pull off murder, refrain from attempting it.

Bella: Make sure your hair and eyes are brown. If they are not, you do not look enough like Stephenie Meyer and you should give up. Press on if you are a brunette. Keep your lips parted but your teeth closed like a proper lady, so you look bored or mildly annoyed constantly. Deride yourself so others will tell you how pretty and awesome you are. Trip over everything, even while standing perfectly still. Find new and creative ways to damage yourself. Moon pathetically over a guy who visibly can’t stand your presence. Like Eragon, be sure to have pretty much no personality or interests. You’ll be on your way to grabbing the attention of everyone else in no time—at least, if you’re not operating in the real world.

Edward: Purchase hair dye. Give up. You’ll never be as beautiful as Edward.

Jacob: Go to an outdoor swimming pool. Swim in the deep end until you cannot keep afloat any longer. When you emerge you should be both tanned and capable of flexing really hard. Next, since werewolves don’t exist, you’re going to have to convincingly portray one using your own scruffiness. File your canine teeth into points and stop shaving a little bit before a full moon. Run around outside howling. If you have friends, convince them to do all of the above so you can pretend you have a herd gaggle crash pack. When there are girls nearby, force yourself onto them. They like it.

Tagged as: ,


  1. Aldrea945 on 11 December 2009, 20:33 said:

    Haha. Wow. I soooooo want to be them! Thanks Kitty for making my day. By the way, You have to learn Magiks to be Eragon.

    Eragon: Yes! Someone finally gets me!

    Me: Didn’t I kill you and push you off a cliff?

    Eragon: Yes. Now you die you evil- Goes on a rant. I get annoyed and call up Galby.

    Me: Yes…Right now…Oh don’t worry, he’s occupied.

    Galby flies in and roasts Eragon. I push him off a convenient cliff. Arya walks up.

    Arya: Looks at Galby. Are you a genie?

    Galby: Yes. Make a wish.

    Arya: I wish I had a personality.

    Galby: If you jump off that cliff, you will magically get one.

    Arya: Won’t that hurt?

    Galby and I: No.

    Arya: Leans over and looks down, contemplating. We come up and kick her in the butt. She starts flipping in the air as she falls. WWWWWWWWEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!! Boom.

    Galby and I: Loved it! You’re always funny.

    Me: Coffee?

    Galby: Sure. You buy. We walk away talking about coffee.

  2. Puppet on 11 December 2009, 21:31 said:


    I’m not as beautiful as any of the above.

    throws self off cliff

  3. WiseWillow on 11 December 2009, 22:00 said:

    Snort I’ve never read Eragon, I forgot there’s someone named Galby… of all the retarded names! Lovely article :D

  4. Apep on 11 December 2009, 22:13 said:

    Very nice.
    Also, I heard all of the Murtagh stuff in an Antonio Banderas/Spanish accent in my head.

  5. Puppet on 11 December 2009, 22:23 said:

    Well, his real name is Galbatorix, Willow. xP

  6. Snow White Queen on 11 December 2009, 22:34 said:

    Antonio does like those S’s.

    Choir joke, lol.

  7. Wizard of Toast on 11 December 2009, 23:52 said:

    channles bad fan-person i wna b bella cuz se gts t fndl edwrd an she hs psnaty u nvr rd t boks u stpd idt i bt u lv w ur mtr an hvnt hd a dte n yrs.

  8. TakuGifian on 12 December 2009, 07:24 said:

    Give up. You’ll never be as beautiful as Edward.

    Aha! Who’s beautiful now?


  9. Romantic Vampire Lover on 12 December 2009, 09:27 said:

    Heh heh, love this line:

    ogle the groins of others in the locker room

    Wonderful job, Kitty. :D

  10. Danielle on 12 December 2009, 20:52 said:

    you are sexy enough to pull off murder

    Well, that officially explains Eldest and Brisingr

  11. Kyllorac on 12 December 2009, 23:26 said:

    Taku, that mask has scarred me for life. o_o I blame any and all resulting nightmares on you.

    Use the power of your hotness to fly into the night like Batman with better hair.


  12. Pearl on 12 December 2009, 23:41 said:

    I have no words, only laughter. :D

  13. ZeeZee on 13 December 2009, 23:07 said:

    If you are unable to fly into the night using your hotness alone, procure an extremely sawed-off shotgun and fire directly downward.

    Yay, physics!

  14. swenson on 14 December 2009, 11:07 said:

    Remember, kids, any crime is forgivable if done sexily enough.

    Love the article, Kitty!

  15. ProserpinaFC on 14 December 2009, 15:07 said:

    Do I have raise any crocs or large iguanas to compare to Eragon’s awesome dragon husbandry?

    Could I get a croc to grow from a baby into a 14-footer in a couple months?! :D

  16. SMARTALIENQT on 16 December 2009, 23:05 said:

    Brood sexily. Hate everything, but sexily. Angst over your father being a horrible villain. Wear dark clothes. Sexily.

    Somehow this reminded me of “I jumped sexily in front of the bullet.” Awesome article!

  17. LucyWannabe on 20 December 2009, 13:49 said:

    Ah! I really needed some good chuckles, and I got them! I think my favorite one is the Murtagh description.

  18. Steph who will brave the bullet to become the future bride of Murtagh on 25 December 2009, 20:37 said:

    Loved the Edward description. But I don’t think you made Murtagh sexy enough.

  19. AliceCullenfan on 29 December 2009, 14:26 said:

    Lol that’s totally funny. I really liked the discription of Eragon!

  20. TwilightAliceCullen on 12 January 2010, 21:00 said:

    Oh wow is this funny. I think you’re right on the Money with the descriptions of Edward and Eragon and Bella.Lol!!! :)

  21. Musiclover on 17 January 2010, 15:35 said:

    Oh god oh god! (laughs, I don’t know how to do the bold and everything)

    That was hilarious! Oh god.
    @TwilightAliceCullen You are so right about the descriptions of Edward, Eragon, and Bella! I can’t be Bella because of 2 things
    1. I have a personality
    2. I have blond hair and blue eyes! Poor me!

  22. Musiclover on 17 January 2010, 15:42 said:

    Dang you! I’m gonna have nightmares about the MASK OF ROBERT PATTINSON. DANG YOU!

  23. TwilightAliceCullen on 22 January 2010, 16:27 said:

    Where do you come up with this stuff? It is so funny!

  24. Curly on 31 March 2011, 05:38 said:

    Yay late post!
    Hehehe, it’s all funny coz it’s like, true (haven’t read Twilight etc though, I still have my pride). Remember kids, if you ever get trained by Yoda Oromis, describe how he is lithe like a wildcat and has a hairless groin. Sexily. Especially if you’re a guy.

    Damn these eyes! And this hair! Now I am rather depressed. If only I didn’t spend all this time having a personality! Guess it’s up to me to get rid of it… sexily.

    Where’s that letter opener…