With the DVD release of New Moon today, I thought I’d get the imps around here to tell what they’ve learned from the Twilight saga and, indeed, how these lessons give us all great wisdom for living from day to day. Please enjoy the fruits of the labor from the Twilight Institute for Better Living.

Marquis De Carabas

Joel Schumacher foresaw the advent of Twilight and tried to tell the audience through the portrayal of Mr. Freeze. “Ice Man Cometh!” Nobody listened.

Sitting on a chair all day and screaming in your sleep is a perfectly normal way of coping.

Slack-jawed girls never say “No”.

Robert Rodriguez wanted to direct New Moon and change its name to “The Adventures of Wolfboy and Emogirls in 3-D”.

Peter Cullen is the only true awesome Cullen.


The only way to perform a proper C-section is to gnaw through the pregnant woman’s uterus.

Giving birth is a dangerous business. Moreso if your baby is half-sparklepire.

When you’re a werewolf, being in love with a baby is not pedophilia; it’s imprinting.


Stalkers get more girls than nice guys.

When your boyfriend leaves you, the best thing you can do is lie in the woods and wait to die.

Standing in the sun and sparkling in front of a crowd can get an immortal killed.

Whenever possible, go shirtless to show off your six pack.

Werewolves are surprisingly hairless in human form.

Even those without souls should practice abstinence.

Edward is a dirty old man, and Bella is jail-bait.

Forks is the most depressing place ever.

Giving up your soul is a fair price for immortality with your undead boyfriend.

Demon-spawn are legal so long as they’re only half-vampire.

Paper cuts are delicious.

Parents just don’t understand.

Jumping off cliffs is a fun after-school activity.

Cedric didn’t really die.

High school is awesome. You should totally spend your entire immortal life there.

Being around humans all the time is the best way to avoid eating them.

Vampires smell good, not like the rotting corpses they are.

Hard-as-diamond material can be completely pliable.

Venom is basically just like blood, which you still need when you’re undead.

Prom is such a drag.

If Edward ever leaves, Bella will need to be institutionalized.

Statues with bronze hair and topaz eyes are so hot.

Things that are creepy/illegal for normal guys to do are cute when Edward does them.

Every girl dreams of being compared to illegal drugs.

Beware of Tyler’s van.

There are fangirls, and they will kill you.

Bella is the best-smelling thing on the planet. Feel free to tell her so. It’s not rude or weird at all.

Friendly people are annoying. You should be as mean to them as possible, but even then, they will love you.

Phoenix girls are prettier than the ones in Forks.

Everything can be “said meaningfully”.

“Chagrin” is a word that can never be overused.

Books don’t need plots when they have hot people in them.

People should only read classics if they are the favorite books of characters in pop culture.

Bella is so special that even as a vampire, she has no desire to feast on human blood.

Abandoning your entire life for a guy you have a lust-based relationship with is the smart choice in life.

Diamonds are forever. That’s why vampires are immortal. They’re made of diamonds.

All werewolves are Native Americans.

Werewolves can turn into wolves whenever they feel like it and are in no way affected by a full moon.


Edward Cullen proves being attractive and unpleasant is a viable substitute to having a personality.

Don’t solve any of your own problems. Whine about them until good-looking monsters take care of them for you.

You’re only as old as you look.


Sneaking into a girl’s bedroom to watch her sleep is perfectly fine. Reading the titles of the books on her shelf is not.


Say “Yes” to serial stalkers!


Being “chattered at” is quite annoying. So much so, that it might cause you to drop a plate.

Vampires turn books from “boring” to “scintillating”.

Immortality has no repercussions whatsoever.

People who don’t want to be your friend are automatically in love with you.


The more someone ignores/insults/threatens you, the more they care.

Therefore, doing these things is the best way to make friends.

When you have an attractive character, you can never remind the readership too often.

Happiness is based on lust.

Women should never do anything, ever, without a man to supervise them.

Cold is hot.


Being able to cook automatically makes you mature.

Treating your friends like crap is guaranteed to make you popular.

Normal people are boring—monsters that want to suck your blood are much more attractive!


Guys who are actually interested and caring suck compared to people who sit outside your window at night and watch you sleep.

Buttcrack Santa is the patron saint of Forks.

Manipulating your friends in order to get guys attention diverted is just fine and dandy, in fact doing so makes you a WONDERFUL person.

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  1. sakuuya on 23 March 2010, 14:15 said:

    You can use literary allusions to feign depth even if you’ve only read the first halves of Romeo and Juliet and Wuthering Heights.

  2. Danielle on 24 March 2010, 19:44 said:

    Bible verses make everything deeper.

    “You were my greatest mistake, I fell in love with your sin” isn’t a sordid confession but a romantic one.

  3. fffan on 25 March 2010, 06:43 said:

    What I’ve learned from Twilight: SPARKLES FOR TEh WIN!!!1!!!one!!2

  4. Steph (what is left) on 26 March 2010, 08:09 said:

    Honestly, NeuroticPlatypus is total win. I love WiseWillow’s as well.

  5. Tolly on 28 March 2010, 02:07 said:


    If it looks like a werewolf, behaves like a werewolf, and is in fact in every way like a werewolf… it’s a ‘spirit’.

    Who needs an emotional connection when you can have SPARKLES?

    ‘And the Lion lay down with the Lamb’ should be banned from all churchs immediately in the name of good taste.

  6. Kloof on 18 April 2010, 12:54 said:

    So very true.

  7. Emma on 23 December 2011, 21:30 said:

    Sex with someone who is both rock-hard and freezing cold does not cause massive internal injuries, and is actually quite enjoyable