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    • CommentAuthorSakampa
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2010 edited
    Hello everyone, I was checking this site on a regular basis for the Inheritance bashing, and I learned a great deal from it.
    But still I'm uncertain about my writing style, too much adjectives? too much infodump?
    Well I'd love to get some feedback on it,
    here's a paragraph of my story:

    He took a stairway down from the wall to the largest market square of the city. Despite the swarm of people present there, passing the square was the quickest way home.
    When he entered the boisterous market there were hundreds of people trading and interacting with one another, as was usual at this time. Only after sundown the crowd would thin out. But right now, people desperately tried to get bargains or discounts before nightfall.
    The voices of purpose created a dominating humming in the area which could be heard from afar.
    City Guards patrolling here would see to it that all dealings went fair, and relatively decent. They were notoriously effective and hardly any crime occured here. The Guards were clad in thick black armor, wore helmets with visors and carried plasma rifles. Plasma rifles with blue plasma-based ammunition cores that lasted for hundreds of rounds. The plasma was visible at the back of the weapon and danced harmoniously through the storage tank, as if were alive.
    As Boris ventured forth he noticed the mob getting denser, resulting in cutting down more of his personal space. Continuously searching for gaps in the moving wall of the masses to wriggle through. Suddenly he saw a golden flash in the sky.
    It came from somewhere in the vicinity of the Government building, just behind the square. A thundering sound soon followed, alarming everyone at the market. The blast was so intimidating that people began to stir and shout in panic. They tried to squirm their way out like fish in a bucket.

    You’re doing a lot of telling, and not very much showing. Describe the hustle and bustle of the marketplace, show how people push, shove, and swear to the front of the crowd and the cheapest merchandise, and you will not need to tell the reader that everyone is desperate for inexpensive goods. Don’t tell us that the guards are effective at stopping crime, but paint a picture in the reader’s mind of just how intimidating the guards are, and we can figure it out for ourselves that their presence deters criminals.

    Thanks for sharing, and good luck with your writing.

    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2010

    On the other hand, don’t go overboard with showing. If the marketplace isn’t as important as other locations, we don’t want to waste too much time there.

    • CommentAuthorSakampa
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2010 edited
    So Zombie Devin you mean that with guards, I need to sketch an example of effectiveness displayed by them in the past? Or actually let them show it at the current scene, so in the present of the story.
    I understand your example with the people on the market that I need to show it more, but wouldn't that stretch the story so much more? I mean saying: they're desperate is less words than showing but I understand ofcourse that showing is more fun to read. But what do you suggest? I need to insert more words to portray it? Or cut down on facts?

    And Virgil, The marketplace is fairly important as it contains alot of introduction and it comes back several times during the story, or is it still too boring this way?
    Thanks both!
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2010

    Well if its important, then flesh out its defining details and go from there.

    • CommentAuthorSakampa
    • CommentTimeMar 11th 2010
    Ok I understand Virgil, did you detect any more flaws in my prose than Zombie Devin did?

    The only thing I noticed as I read through was that you use a lot of “heres” and “theres.” These are, 99.9 percent of the time, unneeded, IMO. Just tell us where in explicit terms.

    Also, (and I’m sure you’ve heard this before :) ) try to stay away from “is.” Verbs are fun to play with, and “is” in particular seems to slow the action. In my opinion, of course.