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  1.  

    http://markreadstwilight.buzznet.com/user/journal/4480751/

    So I normally don’t post stuff to do with Twilight, but THIS...

    EDIT: After he finishes with Twilight, it stops getting funny and creative and starts getting overly repetitive and prejudiced and “sex with vampires = sex before marriage so I hate you for that” and very “Let’s all hate the world because I’m GAY!”. (I’m literally paraphrasing him, not trying to be offensive.) Just to warn you.

  2.  
  3.  

    6) I’m just going to type out this quote so each of you can go through the exact amount of pain as I did: “He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn’t be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.” I just want you to know that this is Meyer’s idea of romance: Edward plays piano, inspires Bella to cry, and then he eats her teardrops.

    BAHAHAHAHAHAHA

    ......

    cries

    I don’t know how to react to this. I’m going to implode.

  4.  

    Here. Linked!

    Awesomeness, Steph!

    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2009
     

    This stuff is like TvTropes. I can’t stop clicking!

    •  
      CommentAuthorSMARTALIENQT
    • CommentTimeNov 5th 2009 edited
     

    With another sigh, I turned on my computer. Naturally, the screen was covered in pop-up ads. I sat in my hard folding chair and began closing all the little windows. Eventually I made it to my favorite search engine. I shot down a few more pop-ups and then typed in one word. Vampire.
    Folks, you are not blind. Stephenie Meyer is, quite literally, narrating her main character going on the Internet.

    But before I torture you more with this inane garbage, let’s discuss a few glaring problems: [...]

    3) The bolded part. Read it. Read it again. First, that seems to suggest there are so many pop up windows that it’s an actual journey for Bella to even get to her browser. She was so busy attacking the hazardous terrain of a 1996 Dell Home Computer that many moons passed before she eventually made it to her favorite search engine.

    Read that last part again. “Her favorite search engine.” I’m sorry, this book was published in…what? 2005? Unless you still use a Xanga blog or think Angelfire sites are hot shit, EVERYONE’S FAVORITE SEARCH ENGINE IS GOOGLE. IT’S THE ONLY ONE THAT FUCKING WORKS.

    Loveliness.

  5.  

    6) I’m just going to type out this quote so each of you can go through the exact amount of pain as I did: “He touched the corner of my eye, trapping one I missed. He lifted his finger, examining the drop of moisture broodingly. Then, so quickly I couldn’t be positive that he really did, he put his finger to his mouth to taste it.” I just want you to know that this is Meyer’s idea of romance: Edward plays piano, inspires Bella to cry, and then he eats her teardrops.

    Very well put. :D

  6.  
    And never mind how pop ups are covering her desktop the moment after she turns on her computer. Unless her homepage automatically starts and is some really crappy sponsor site. Also known as: Technology FAIL.
    •  
      CommentAuthorSMARTALIENQT
    • CommentTimeNov 6th 2009 edited
     

    Also known as: Technology FAIL.

    She fails Computer Education forever.

    •  
      CommentAuthorAdamPottle
    • CommentTimeNov 6th 2009
     
    Did anyone ever see that episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force where Master Shake opened up such a vast amount of popups that they entered real space, almost suffocated Meatwad and severed Carl's fingers?

    Yeah, maybe something like that?
  7.  

    • WHAT IF… What if true love left you? Not some ordinary high school romance, not some random jock boyfriend, not anyone at all replaceable. True love. The real deal. Your other half, your true soul’s match. What happens if he leaves?
    The answer is different for everyone. Juliet had her version, Marianne Dashwood had hers, Isolde and Catherine Earnshaw and Scarlett O’Hara and Anne Shirley all had their ways of coping. I had to answer the question for Bella. What does Bella Swan do when true love leaves her? Not just true love, but Edward Cullen! None of those other heroines lost an Edward (Romeo was a hothead, Willoughby was a scoundrel, Tristan had loyalty issues, Heathcliff was pure evil, Rhett had a mean streak and cheated with hookers, and sweet Gilbert was much more of a Jacob than an Edward). So what happens when True Love in the form of Edward Cullen leaves Bella?

    I bolded the truly disturbing part for emphasis. Stephenie Meyer actually believes Edward has never done anything negative to Bella.
    Guys, I have to say it.
    THE ‘TWILIGHT’ SERIES IS, QUITE CLEARLY, THE WORST THING TO EXIST ON THE PLANET THAT ISN’T ACTUALLY A SERIOUS DISEASE OR SOMETHING.

  8.  

    She fails Computer Education forever.

    She fails MANY things forever.

  9.  

    @Alien
    That picture is awesome. XD

  10.  

    I’m going through these and even though I’m not a twihard, have to ask something.

    I LISTENED IN ON EVERY HORNY MALE’S INNER THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU ON PURPOSE.

    I haven’t read the book so I don’t know, but can Edward control his power? Did he really “listen in” on purpose or is it just something he can’t help?
    (of course, those who have kept up, know which way I went with it when I created my Edward parody in chapter 7)

  11.  

    He can’t help it. It’s like being in a crowded room of chatting people – you can either listen to the din, or you can eavesdrop on specific people.

    See, this is why you need reformed Twitards like me.

  12.  

    [hugs smartalien] Yes there is! I knew we kept you around for some reason.

    =)

    Still, even I think it’s too cruel to hold something against Edward he can’t help (which I’m kind of guessing, when Bella came to school, all the boy’s thoughts were a sync’d: “i’d tap that” which, let’s face it, no way you’d be able to block that out).

  13.  

    Yeah, I wouldn’t particularly want to be able to mind-read.

  14.  

    No one would have any friends if they mind-read. Even your best friend thinks bad things about you sometimes…

    ...or maybe I’m just a terrible friend.

  15.  

    Yes Juniper, you are indeed.

    At any rate, you know Edward would listen to their thoughts even if his power could be controlled, if only so he could feel smug about how virtuous and tame his affection is compared to those filthy mortal boys who have working hormones and no serious psychological issues.

  16.  

    Yeah, they are lusting after her cuz’ she’s cute, they want to date her, possibly marry and have kids with her—the dirty-minded jackasses!

    He just wants to suck her blood, put her life in danger, promote her innate codependency, inject her with poison or get her pregnant with a not-vampire child. Or maybe all of the above in any possible order.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeNov 9th 2009
     

    And then rip said not-vampire child from her uterus with his teeth.

    Let’s not forget that bit.

  17.  

    Oh right. I’m sure he can work that in there, too.

  18.  

    I thought it was ‘I’d hit that’ not ‘I’d tap that’.

  19.  

    Double post

    You need to keep reading. The entries get more…. creative as they go on.

  20.  

    You need to keep reading. The entries get more…. creative as they go on.

    Oh I’ve caught up now. It’s… eh well I don’t regret the time I’ve spent on it.

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2009
     

    ‘I’d tap that’ is better for Magic: The Gathering puns, along with talk of Giant Growths and Breeding Pits.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2009
     

    It can also be “I’d hit that….with my car”

    :D

    •  
      CommentAuthorSMARTALIENQT
    • CommentTimeNov 10th 2009 edited
     

    [hugs smartalien] Yes there is! I knew we kept you around for some reason.

    =)

    Awww! huggles

    It can also be “I’d hit that….with my car”

    Funny you should mention that. I was just about to post this:

  21.  

    “Sam’s pack learning how to be pedophiles?”

    It’s funny, but I think it’s missing a word.

  22.  

    I think the books are starting to break Mark.

    No, seriously. It’s a mental connection the male makes on a female without her consent. And that’s the real key here: consent. At no point does the female ever really get a say on this. Once the male werewolf imprints, he’s dedicated for life. (It’s almost like a biological validation of stalking, isn’t it? Oh, Meyer!)

    But, as the passages quoted pointed out, there’s no consent from the male side either.

    And remember! She doesn’t get a choice about any of this. Right? Does Claire get a choice, Jacob?

    Does Quil get a choice?

    The problem, of course, is that this process, again, removes the female choice.

    It seems to remove the male choice too.

    You know… on some level Mark seems to be committing the same sin he’s complaining about Meyers committing. That straight men don’t “count” or something. I’m not sure there is any segment of humanity not “screwed” in Twilight.

    Ah, that’s right. You aren’t married aren’t a vampire and you’re about to have sex. It’s simply too dangerous.
    This is bollocks, guys. Just so you know: You can have sex before marriage and you will not die. Anyone who tells you that is a moron and is, simply, wrong.

    Um, no she can’t Mark, you have to remember the context. (as for real life, well there are risks with STDs and pregnancies, but without going all after-school special here, it’s not completely safe either)

    I think it’s about to defeat Mark. If he cracks much further, we may have to denote him from saint to like… cleric or something.

  23.  

    Very true.

  24.  

    I like the gun.

    •  
      CommentAuthorEbelean
    • CommentTimeDec 6th 2009
     

    Poor Mark. The last few posts are eons away from the Twilight ones. They tend to be WTF the whole time. Just another danger of reading Twilight.

  25.  

    But, as the passages quoted pointed out, there’s no consent from the male side either.

    I actually have a problem with this, too. I’ve never understood why people say imprinting takes away the female’s choice. It doesn’t – it turns the guy into a miniature pedophile, complete with grooming, but the girl can reject him. Of course, the girl isn’t supposed to reject the “perfect boyfriend” who is keenly attuned to her every whim, and if she does reject him, then she’s got a cute little stalker with a crush.

  26.  

    Generally, imprinting sounds like it would totally suck, either way you’re looking at it- imprinter or imprintee.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 7th 2009
     

    Yeah… I mean, in a sense, it’s like a convenient way to assure that you find your soulmate. But at the same time, I wouldn’t like being basically forced into being someone’s soulmate, whether I wanted it or not. And I doubt they’d want me to be obsessed with them either—and if they cared about me at all, they’d be upset about me being forced into being their soulmate, too.

    So all around, it seems like a decidedly unfortunate thing to happen to anybody. Falling in love is one thing; automatically becoming obsessed with somebody through no choice of your own is another.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 7th 2009 edited
     

    Theoretically ( snort ) imprinting is what happens when you meet your soulmate. They aren’t forced to be your soulmate… they already were your soulmate. Snort

  27.  

    I couldn’t have said it better, WW. ;)

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 8th 2009
     

    Meh, I suppose.

    But still! It’s nice to be able to have the choice to make mistakes in the matter, isn’t it? With imprinting, you don’t even get the chance to screw up your entire life pining after the wrong person!

  28.  

    Chapter 20 he definitely loses it:

    Also, look. Girls have to deal with enough physical intimidation from men who think they’re genetically weaker. Now, the romantic hero of the book thinks the love of his life is breakable? Seriously, this is like Sexism 101. How does no one see this?

    Um, because in Meyer’s world ANY human is really breakable compared to her vampires, maybe? As I pointed out once before, meyerpires are essentially kyrptonians so… yeah she’s at least being narratively consistent.

  29.  

    A bit of a logic fail, right there.

    (Mark, not you, Nate.)

  30.  

    Just to hearken back to the previous topic (two posts ago), I really don’t believe in soulmates. After all, you get people who were happily married at one time and then after the death of their spouse, are equally happily married to somebody else. Case in point: Beatrix Potter was engaged to Norman Warne, and they were really in love, then he died, then when she was forty or fifty, she married William Heelis, and they were very happy. She still wore Norman’s ring though. Aww.

    (Sorry. Finished her biography an hour ago.)

    Plus what about all the arranged marriages that turn into love marriages?

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2009
     

    ....excellent point. I always wondered about that… arranged marriages used to be the norm, but surely they weren’t all miserable or tepid. I think there’s a theory that if you’re around someone of the sex you’re attracted to enough, you’ll either develop strong romantic feelings for them, or end up wanting to kill them.

  31.  

    strong romantic feelings

    I wouldn’t say that. I’d replace that with a certain close affection for each other.

  32.  

    There is something to be said that shared experiences create love (at least, that’s what I’ve heard from arranged proponents). But then it was once thought that love was more of action than emotion. (if you haven’t read Lewis’ the 4 loves do so)

    As for soulmates… let’s just say with my experience I believe that there might be SOME out there, but it’s not universal To amend a phrase from C.S. Lewis (which I find applies throughout life with different terms): “You may confuse different lovers with your soulmate, but you will never confuse your soulmate as just another lover.”

  33.  

    Well, I would say that love is still more of an action. And no, I haven’t read 4 Loves yet.

    I’m not convinced. Surely any marriage partner could morph into a soulmate if you spent enough time together. And being married is hardly ‘just another lover’.

  34.  

    I don’t think there’s such a thing as ONLY ONE SOULMATE THAT YOU CAN TRULY BE HAPPY WITH, EVER. Seriously, there are over 6 billion people on the planet. I think that there’s at least two or three people out there that you can be happy with.

  35.  

    Hence the phrase, “not universal”.

  36.  

    Gee. At least two or three. What chances. I think it’s more than that. I mean, I don’t have any experience of this, but from what I’ve heard, don’t people normally have about ten ex’s before they settle down? THe chances have to be way higher.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2009
     

    Yeah… probably there are more like 100 possible partners for each person. The one that sticks is either the best possible partner, or the one who happened to be geographically closest.

  37.  

    I was kidding around with the ‘two or three’ thing. XD

    But in literature, I’ve noticed a lot that if there’s a love between two characters, it’s always true love, and that other person is their one destined lifelong companion and they’re meant to be together. It never comes up that the two people could be equally happy with someone else. Or maybe I’m just generalizing.

    (To be on topic, in Twilight- it’s glaringly obvious that Bella, when confronted with the choice of Edward and Jacob, she’ll never choose Jacob, because she can only be happy with Edward.)

  38.  

    In theory there’s 6 billion+ possible partners for any 1 person (especially if you’re not picky)

    We won’t even get into things like polygamy.

    As for ex’s, depends on the culture and location.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2009
     

    In theory there’s 6 billion+ possible partners for any 1 person (especially if you’re not picky)

    Nice, Nate. Yes, the thing is, once you find one of the possible partners and click with them (let’s call this person the clicker), clicking with a different person seems unthinkable. If the clicker pisses you off or betrays you, then other partners might look attractive again. If the person you clicked with dies, then while it will take longer and perhaps not seem as intense, you may click with someone else. If you and the clicker develop a long-lasting relationship, you become used to the clicker and when you stop being able to imagine clicking with others, that’s when it becomes long term and marriage usually results.

  39.  

    But in literature, I’ve noticed a lot that if there’s a love between two characters, it’s always true love, and that other person is their one destined lifelong companion and they’re meant to be together. It never comes up that the two people could be equally happy with someone else. Or maybe I’m just generalizing.

    Whereas in Margaret Lane’s The Tale of Beatrix Potter, she shows that Beatrix would have been happy with either Norman or William.

    Sorry, I have Beatrix Potter on the brain right now.

    WW, I like your ‘clicking’ theory.

  40.  

    It was very well said.