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  1.  

    how she hated Dracula

    growls
    growls some more, exposing canines

    awesome and deep

    jaws snapping feverishly, foam dripping from mouth

    the only reason I pretended to hate Twilight was because I was trying to hide the fact that I’m Team Jacob and all I want is some hot werewolf lovin’

    shakes in chair
    If I were you, Spanman, I’d have slapped her dizzy.

    I think she might have also called SMeyer a “great writer”

    has flashbacks to lying in bed last year, sick with rubella, hearing girls outside saying the exact same thing
    leaps up, scratching desk with slowly protruding claws
    eyes glaze over, revealing pure animalistic hatred

    How is Jacob/Renesmee “beautiful”? It’s creepy!

    sits down again
    Phew.
    All is right with the world again. Thought I heard some Twihard insulting The Stoker, but it was probably just me hallucinating, what with not taking my meds and shit.
    Can you believe that?
    I feel kinda faint now. I think i’m gonna have a smoke and listen to “Winter Wrap Up” now. It always cheers me up.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeNov 12th 2011
     

    Thank you for making me giggle. A little while ago someone from down the hall came to my door and asked if I’d just had a bitchfight with the Twihard. I didn’t think we were that loud but apparently I got a little too heated when she started talking about how Twilight, rather than Harry Potter, got kids of this generation into reading good literature.

  2.  

    I got a little too heated when she started talking about how Twilight, rather than Harry Potter, got kids of this generation into reading good literature

    I would have got heated about that, too.

    high five

  3.  

    Thank you for making me giggle

    Always a pleasure, milady. :)

    Yeah, one does not insult The Stoker in front of me.
    Sure, the guy only really wrote that one memorable novel. Sure, he didn’t do any research at all. Sure, you may not like his writing style or whatever. Sure, the story is riddled with cliches, what with being written back in the day when cliches weren’t cliches yet.

    But he’s the father of modern vampire fiction. Carmilla and Varney came before Drac, but most people don’t even know they existed.
    Without Drac, we’d have no Blade, no Angel, no Buffy, no Vampire diaries, no Lost boys, no Fright Night, no Near Dark, no Dusk till Dawn, no Castlevania, no Orlok, no Count von Count, and no Addams Family (no seriously, think about it).

    That is all.

  4.  

    I would have got heated about that, too.

    Me too. I would have got heated about the whole thing actually. If someone wants to argue rationally and politely about something, okay, but she sounded both obsessed and mean, so yeah, go you.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeNov 13th 2011
     

    WAT. I don’t even like vampires in general all that much, and I would’ve flipped out as soon as she said she didn’t like Dracula. It’s one thing to not be particularly fond of Dracula. I would even be OK with someone personally liking Twilight more than Dracula, if that was their preference. But to say that Twilight was better than Dracula… gnashes teeth

  5.  

    I’ll leave this here.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeNov 14th 2011
     

    Thanks for the deposit! We’ll take care of it.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeNov 14th 2011 edited
     

    Ahaha, that’s great, Armourer. It’s kinda true.

    runs away quickly and hides before the Trekkers/Trekkies come kill me I swear I like the show too!

    • CommentAuthorMoggo
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     
    Has anyone seen Breaking Dawn Pt.1, btw?
  6.  

    ^this girl on fb did.
    Her status raved about the hotness of one Taylor Lautner.

    When I was done vomiting, i decided to hold back the bitchiness and not comment on it at all.

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    But-but why not? That’s how they’ll win! We have to fight them! We must!

  7.  

    ^If I start bitching and ranting, I might not stop.
    That’s why not.

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011 edited
     

    Ah

    • CommentAuthorMoggo
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     
    Well, the bit after the end credits was lulzy as hell.

    *spoiler* Aro murders his secretary because she made a typo. Am I the only one who finds that ironic?
    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    On my way to Breaking Dawn. Wish me luck!

    • CommentAuthorMoggo
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     
    *wishes luck*
  8.  

    Aro murders his secretary because she made a typo.

    I found that kind of hilarious. I don’t know why.

    • CommentAuthorMoggo
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     
    Apparently, he got pissed because she misspelled Carlisle's name. I know what my inner slash fan has to say about that. *snort*
    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    Guys. GUYS.

    Where- where are my lulz? WHERE ARE MY SPARKLY LULZ?

    Just…gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. It wasn’t even bad enough to be funny! It was painfully mediocre at best! Which, unfortunately, means at worst. I mean… really? Just… gahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

    I’ll write a review tomorrow, for now let me sulk about the lack of funny. Except for Charlie. Charlie is still awesome. And Seth is adorable.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    D’aww. Sorry.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    That reminds me- I’m pretty sure they forgot to make Edward sparkle. He’s IN CLEAR, BROAD DAYLIGHT, OFF THE COAST OF BRAZIL, AND NO SPARKLE.

    Facepalm

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    Canon errors too?! How awful. No lulz, no other lulz, not-lulz… this movie is pretty much anti-lulz.

    •  
      CommentAuthorRorschach
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    I’m actually sitting in the theatre right now waiting for it to start. I’ll be writing an article with my thoughts when it’s finished.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    Oh, hey, would you be up for chatting about it on Skype later? I need to vent, and I’m willing to bet you will too.

  9.  

    WHERE ARE MY SPARKLY LULZ?

    If it’s not funny, what’s the point?

    •  
      CommentAuthorRorschach
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    Just got home, Willow….and am on Skype. Let’s get this venting in immediately.

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    I can’t wait for a nice long review on the main site. And at least one Kitty drawing.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeNov 21st 2011
     

    Oh, poor Willow. I was hoping it would at least be awful enough to laugh hysterically at.

  10.  

    So, uh, what about the birthing scene?

  11.  

    ^^Read Rorschach’s review on the main site.

  12.  

    Okay.
    Will do.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeNov 22nd 2011
     

    He mirrored my thoughts exactly. Glad I’m not the only one who got cold shivers.

    The Bum Reviews of this (I actually don’t know who that’s associated with, Nostalgia Critic methinks) was hilarious at that part.

    “It’s all like EEEEHHH and AAAHHH and GREAAEAHHH and there’s these biting noises and EEEEEEEAAAARRREEGHHH”

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeNov 22nd 2011 edited
     

    Uh… Inkblot? The guy who plays the Bum IS the Nostalgia Critic.

    Anyway, my review is up on my blog. I think it’s shorter than Rorshach’s. Anyway, comment away there, guys. I’m also uploading an audio review. It’ll be on Youtube shortly.

    Edit: Part One of the audio is up. Part Two is also up.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeNov 23rd 2011
     

    Riiighhht. :B

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2011
     

    This is, of course, quite a bit funnier if you know what Counterstrike is. It’s a multiplayer game in which terrorists and counter-terrorists do stuff because.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeDec 1st 2011
     

    I laughed.

    OH TERRORIST YOU KNOW OUR LOVE IS FORBIDDEN

    I DON’T CARE SAS MEMBER. GSG9 CAN’T STOP US FOREVER

  13.  
    NOT IF DELTA HAS ANYTHING TO SAY ABOUT IT!
  14.  

    Now we shall Fire the Unstoppable Nuclear… Kettle?

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeDec 3rd 2011 edited
     

    OH TERRORIST YOU KNOW OUR LOVE IS FORBIDDEN

    Ah, forbidden love. I like the idea of Renee/Edward for forbidden love.

    RENEE/EDWARD
    The REAL reason behind Renee’s “Bella, your relationship with your boyfriend is way too serious” bullshit.

    • CommentAuthorMnemone
    • CommentTimeDec 6th 2011
     
    "Cracked weighs in on the latest Twilight movie":http://www.cracked.com/article_19582_if-twilight-4-was-10-times-shorter-100-times-more-honest.html
    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeDec 6th 2011 edited
     

    That is hilarious.

    @Sen: Come on, we all know that Edward’s secretly Carlisle’s gay lover. That’s why he got vamp’d way back when – Carlisle was in love with him. It’s so obvious.

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeDec 6th 2011
     

    I am not paying to watch it in the cinema. I was going to, but Hogswatch is coming up, and I’m partially broke after buying stuff for my Secret Santa. I also have books to buy and a lack of chocolate in my room.
    The point being, Twilight is somehow to blame for my grumpy mood.

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeDec 7th 2011
     

    @Apep: I smell love triangle

    •  
      CommentAuthorFell_Blade
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     


    Saw this today and had to share it. Lol, quite true.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011 edited
     

    APPROVAL.

    That love story made me genuinely cry. Almost every time I see Up.

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011 edited
     

    @ Fell_Blade: ‘tis quite true. Quite true indeed. XD

  15.  

    That love story made me genuinely cry. Almost every time I see Up.

    Same here.

    That picture is great.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSoupnazi
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    Up made me so sad. That image is amazing and so so true.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    Those first 10 minutes were the only part worth watching, in my opinion.

    •  
      CommentAuthorThea
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    Well, I’ll see it, probably, just because I can watch movies free. My brother and I decided that, as it’s showing New Year’s weekend, at least starting on such a low note means there’s nowhere to go but up.

    Also, Up is beautiful.

    •  
      CommentAuthorFell_Blade
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    I love how, in Up, young Carl Fredrickson never said a word, but in just a few minutes you already understood so much about his character and sympathized with him.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    at least starting on such a low note means there’s nowhere to go but up.

    I know it isn’t quite what you meant… I thought the first 10 minutes were the great, but it just spiraled down from there.

    •  
      CommentAuthorThea
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    headdesk

    Clearly I shouldn’t post unless I’m actually paying attention. Thus ends your public service announcement of today.

    I did love the whole movie though. It was silly, but I rather thought it worked in a sort-of magical realism way.

  16.  

    I think we’ve had a discussion about Up before, but Puppet, I find your lack of love for Up disturbing.

    •  
      CommentAuthorThea
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    Now that you mention it, Willow, I do seem to remember…

    Speaking of Twilight, though, has anyone been reading Das Mervin recently? They’ve been going over ersatz scholarly, pro-Twilight articles there, and some of what they think is good is rather horrifying.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeDec 9th 2011
     

    I think we’ve had a discussion about Up before, but Puppet, I find your lack of love for Up disturbing.

    Yeah, I’m not a huge fan of it either. I guess I just wasn’t feeling the magic.

  17.  

    Up is not my favorite Pixar movie, and I don’t think it was the best movie ever, but I thought it was really charming in a way that kid’s movies just aren’t nowadays.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011
     

    Up was pretty charming. I liked that about it. And the first ten minutes… they were particularly so. Very sweet and charming and totally made me sob my eyes out.

  18.  

    ersatz scholarly, pro-Twilight articles

    Never seen those on her sporking plaza before.
    Where are they?

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011
     

    In Up ,as soon as they reached Paradise Falls or whatever place it is that they land in at first, I lost all interest. The only two things that really stand out from that movie are the first fifteen minutes of it, and the very end where Fredrickson arrives, in place of the little boy’s dad, to award him the badge. So sweet.

    •  
      CommentAuthorFell_Blade
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011
     

    Up wasn’t the ultimately awesome movie or anything, but I just like how that pic points out that it did a much better job than Twilight conveying that these two people were actually in love in just a fraction of the time.

  19.  

    Personally, Up is my favourite Pixar movie. The montage is the best part, but I love the whole movie.

    •  
      CommentAuthorThea
    • CommentTimeDec 10th 2011 edited
     

    bq Never seen those on her sporking plaza before.

    Well, the most recent one is titled: Virtuous Vampires and Voluptuous Vamps: Romance conventions reconsidered in Stephenie Meyer’s “Twilight” Series. and seems to be in at least three parts, and we haven’t even gotten to the really bad stuff yet.

    And Our Bella, Ourselves

    And The Harsh Bigotry of Twilight-Haters (which never actually gets to the ‘bigotry’ of Twilight haters.)

    They also covered Adornetto’s article (author of Halo, which is bad) Why Teenage Boys Suck More Than Vampires

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeDec 12th 2011
     

    THAT’S PIXAR DAMMIT

    NOT DISNEY. DISNEY BLOWS.

    That bothers me when people do that.

    I liked Up meself, just because of how my personality is. An Exploration Age-reminiscent adventure in South America with talking dogs? I’ll sit through the entire thing, eyes glued to the screen.

    Also, Das Mervin is excellent as usual.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeDec 12th 2011
     

    Pixar is owned by Disney though…

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeDec 13th 2011
     

    But I like to keep them separate in my mind for sentimental reasons. :D

    •  
      CommentAuthorThea
    • CommentTimeDec 13th 2011
     

    Like the response when EA bought Maxis? ;)

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeDec 13th 2011
     

    Maxis, Westwood Studios, Ensemble Studios, Bioware…

  20.  

    Would this make it better or worse?

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeDec 19th 2011
     

    snorts

  21.  

    I… think I’m more disturbed than by the sex toys.

    Saw the same thing in Best Buy and my brain broke a moment. I mean… SPARKLY hair care products? And why has it taken 4 movies for them to make these? (seems so obvious)

    Or… were these around for the other movies? Did I repress the memories?

  22.  

    I love how it’s called the Twilight Sparkle collection.

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeDec 28th 2011
     

    They are totally ripping off MLP now.

  23.  
  24.  

    Someone BRILLIANT in the comments did a Dr. Seuss version. I did NOT WRITE THIS.

    Twilight, by Dr. Seuss

    Jake likes a girl. Her name is Bella.
    Bella likes a different fella.

    See this vamp? This is Ed.
    Ed is pale. Ed is dead.

    Ed saved Bella from a van.
    Ed must be a special man.

    Ed won’t kill boys. He won’t kill girls.
    Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

    This is James. He’s a tracker.
    He’s a sort of vamp attacker.

    James hunts Bella for a thrill.
    Will Ed kill him? Yes, he will.

    But James gave her a little bite.
    Will she be a vamp? She might!

    Edward fixes Bella’s cut.
    She won’t be a vampire.
    But…

    She becomes one. Read some more.
    She’s a vampire in book 4.

  25.  

    Edward and Jacob defy society’s expectations up in the mountains.

    Snicker.

    I love the Dr. Seuss comment.

  26.  
    I almost posted the Dr. Suess thing.
  27.  

    Ed won’t kill boys. He won’t kill girls.
    Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

    That doesn’t rhyme. >:(

    Still hilarious, though.

  28.  

    Edward tells Bella that he intends to stop saving her life, unless she starts paying him in gold bullion. Hatefucking ensues, then Jacob spouts objectivist philosophy for the next 100 pages.

    LOL

    I hate Ayn Rand.

  29.  

    That one made me laugh as well.

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeJan 3rd 2012 edited
     

    An internet for the writer of those. I didn’t even recognize half of those names, and I still laughed.

    • CommentAuthorMnemone
    • CommentTimeJan 3rd 2012 edited
     
    Yes, it does rhyme, if you pronounce it "guh-r(i/e)ills" or "gurr/garr-ils". You have to hear the second syllable, my goil.

    That was hilarious, and the ones in the comments of the original posting are just as good.
    •  
      CommentAuthorFalling
    • CommentTimeJan 3rd 2012
     

    Haha, Dr Seuss is the man!
    While the poem is clever… it does seem a little off rhythmically. I stumbled over some of the wording as each couplet was rhythmically sound, but sometimes the rhythm switched when moving to the next couplet.

    As to Ayn Rand, I think Christopher Hitchens said it best (and I strongly disagree with that man):
    I don't think there's any need to have essays advocating selfishness among human beings; I don't know what your impression has been, but some things require no further reinforcement.

  30.  

    ^ That’s a hilarious quote.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

  31.  

    Ed won’t kill boys. He won’t kill girls. Ed gets fed on deer and squirrels.

    That doesn’t rhyme. >:(

    It does if you’re from the South. ;-D

    •  
      CommentAuthorFell_Blade
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    Nate’s actually right about that. I just said it out loud and with my accent it rhymes… is that a bad thing? =0

  32.  

    NEVAR!

    [southern brohoof for FellBlade]

    (drat, I could have sworn there was a card for that name but apparently all I could find was: http://lotrtcgdb.com/pages/LOTR01209.html, http://lotrtcgdb.com/pages/LOTR01221.html, http://lotrtcgdb.com/pages/LOTR01216.html)

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    Yeah, it rhymes in the Midwest, too.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSoupnazi
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    I’m pretty sure I have a vanilla American accent, and girls and squirrels still nearly rhymes (the E in squirrels is just barely there, and IMO things like that still count as a rhyme).

  33.  

    I’m pretty sure I have a vanilla American accent, and girls and squirrels still nearly rhymes (the E in squirrels is just barely there, and IMO things like that still count as a rhyme).

    Haha, same here. I like “vanilla American accent”. I think that’s what I have.

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012 edited
     

    .... What’s the difference between “American accent” and “vanilla American accent”? Does the accent smell like vanilla? :P

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    Well, you have the New Yoik accent, and the Bawstun accent, and the Southern drawl, and the Midwestern drawl…

    So the vanilla American accent is mainly distinguished by not being any of those. There’s several areas of the country, like the lower Northeast, the upper Northwest, some of the Southwest, that all have the same non-accented speech patterns, and that’s the basic one, I guess.

  34.  

    I think it’s what foreigners would think of when thinking of a generic American accent. I’ve noticed that most TV/movie characters have this unless their accent or region is an important point. Unless I’m also confused about what a vanilla accent would be.

  35.  

    the Bawstun accent

    Pahk yah cah in Hahvahd Yahd.

    I have a shirt that says that, and I swear people have mistaken it for Hebrew.

    •  
      CommentAuthorFalling
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    Yeah, I believe it’s called General American and most newscasters have it. I think Stephen Colbert trained to get rid of his Georgian accent to get what you hear today. It’s the accent I hear when I hear no accent. And in my mind its what I speak (west coast Canadian)... except those darn aboots. Of course what WE hear is abowt, but anyways.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    And in my mind its what I speak (west coast Canadian)... except those darn aboots. Of course what WE hear is abowt, but anyways.

    Eh? I have no idea what you’re talking aboot, eh.

    According to me I am the only person in the world who has a “normal” accent. True story.

    •  
      CommentAuthorFalling
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    It’s the transition from the ‘ow’ sound to the ‘t’. There’s a little tiny ‘oo’ sound before the ‘t’. But to us, the dominant sound is the ‘ow’. We don’t hear the ‘oo’ sound unless we really think about it and know what to listen for. To Americans apparently all they hear is the ‘oo’ sound.

    General American just sounds like default/ non-accented English to me.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeJan 4th 2012
     

    I confess, though, even though my accent is generally unremarkable, sometimes I do say y’all.