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  1.  

    Oh, there’s a curly pink font at the end of the post that says ‘more, more, more!’ Click on it.

  2.  

    Man, that stuff is hilarious.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 4th 2010
     

    Kinda bored at my aunt’s house, so I’m reading a Reader’s Digest from September. It’s one of those humor issues, and under “fanatics”, guess what I found? That’s right, our good Twilight-obsessed friends! There’s all these quotes from My Life Is Twilight (never actually heard of it before, but there’s some gems there!)

    One of the best:

    I have a life-sized cutout of Edward in my room. When I saw New Moon again, I bought an extra ticket and had Edward sit next to me. Best date ever.

    And another:

    Today my ex-boyfriend threw Twilight across the room. He was still my boyfriend before that.

    I suppose I should pity these people rather than mock them, but… really??

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeDec 5th 2010
     

    That’s just… depressing. shoulders slump

  3.  

    Today my ex-boyfriend threw Twilight across the room. He was still my boyfriend before that.

    Homeboy dodged a crazybullet.

  4.  

    I suppose I should pity these people rather than mock them, but… really??

    I can’t help myself.
    I mock them thoroughly.

    Homeboy dodged a crazybullet.

    Indeed.

    • CommentAuthorDeborah
    • CommentTimeDec 6th 2010
     
    Someone close to me said that there ought to be a video game where you kill sparkly vampires.
    I think there should also be T-Shirts that say things like this:
    REAL MEN DON'T SPARKLE
    STALKERS ARE NOT COOL
    ROBOTS AND PLASTIC DOLLS HAD BETTER ROMANCES THAN YOU.
    And probably a few more. Lets all come up with anti-twilight slogans!
  5.  

    I’m sure we’ve done this in some thread or other, but what they hey.

    I would totally wear the Real Men Don’t Sparkle thing, only the you’d have to exclude Emmett and Carlisle, and I happen to like them :)

  6.  

    Oh… rifftrax eclipse… oh man that’s so funny.

    Guess I’ll have to do an article…

  7.  

    STALKERS ARE NOT COOL

    I love that one.
    Just think about it – thick, gothic letters…. Bella standing on the sidewalk, completely oblivious…. Edward lurking in the dark background….
    shivers

    Guess I’ll have to do an article…

    Yes.
    Thou must.

  8.  

    “Here’s how you end the Twilight Saga in one scene. Bella and Edward smoke a blunt together. Edward gets the munchies. No more Bella. The End.”

    Someone wrote this on Facebook. I immediately “liked” it.

  9.  

    Oh, you have to.

    To Kill a Meyerpire by The One Called Demetra and Storm.

  10.  

    “And yet they are still all emo.”

    A most apt description.
    Brilliant fic overall.

  11.  

  12.  

    Ahahahahahahahaha!

    Hold me, Nate.. That was beautiful.

  13.  

    Nate, that’s awesome.

  14.  

    Can somebody tell me what movie the thing Nate posted was from?

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeDec 14th 2010
     

    Wasn’t it from that one where the famous mystery writer is abducted and held hostage by his “biggest fan” and she eventually kills him? The Simpsons mentioned it in the episode with Ron Howard, I think. I recognise the woman, but can’t think of the title.

  15.  

    It’s from the movie adaption of the Stephen King story Misery.

    Taku, I give you an F on your book report. XD

  16.  

    Nate, I love you HARD for that. Misery is de epicfulness.

  17.  

    As if you expect me to believe that when you’re not standing in my room, watching me sleep every night – which as we all know is the only REAL expression of love one can believe.

  18.  

    Thought of something interesting today, something that is probably going to trigger a big fat debate:

    In Paranormal Activity, where Katie watches Micah sleep = creepy, psycho, possessed, whatnot.

    In Twilight, where Wardo watches SMeyer Bella sleep = sweet, caring, protective, chivalrous, gentlemanly, blahblahblah.

    Am I missing something here?

    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2010
     

    No, you’re not missing anything. You just happen to have something most twihards lack – a sense of what qualifies as normal behavior.

  19.  

    I recognise the woman, but can’t think of the title.

    It’s Kathy Bates, you mook.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2010
     

    The title is Misery.

  20.  

    Der. That’s been established already.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 15th 2010
     

    Yes, but you responded to the wrong bit- oh, I give up.

  21.  

    Yeah, I should’ve blocked the quote out better. Just the way Taku phrased it made it sound like she was some day player he saw somewhere, when she won an Oscar for that role. And I wanted to call somebody a mook.

    You mook.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeDec 16th 2010
     
    I AM NOT A MOOK.

    If anything, I'm amuck.

    Actually, I have heard of Bates, but not by name. She had a cameo as Queen Victoria in that Jackie Chan remake of _Around The World in 80 Days_, as well as minor and some not-so-minor roles in a bunch of recent movies. But you know what I was saying.I recognised the actor, but couldn't recall the title of the movie.
  22.  

    In a Twilight related comment, a commercial for Eclipse happened to come on today. It’s the one with Jacob talking about how he’s in love with Bella and everything, if you were wondering, which of course you were. So my sister, having absorbed everything about this series by pop-culture osmosis and became very confused. I told her the whole truth, all the way to the part about Jacob and Renesmee, and she thought I was making it up to mess with her. If only.

  23.  

    KATHY BATES! I KNEW I’D SEEN HER BEFORE!! MEMORY VICTORY! SLAM DUNK!

  24.  

    She’s the Unsinkable Molly Brown in Titanic, too.
    I think.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2010 edited
     

    Yes, she is :)

    She also plays an eskimo in North. O.o

    Complete with face paint and wig. Cringe

  25.  

    Yay!

    Thanks, Willow!
    :-D

  26.  

    Ooh, SWQ, that’s low… :P

    Not trying to be offensive or anything. She’s just not as knowledgeable about religion as about most other things for some reason. XP

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2010
     
    I've been wondering something for awhile now:

    Okay, so y'know how Jacob was attracted to Bella because one of her eggs was Renesme and he was really after Renesme subconsciously? Well, what would have happened if Bella and Jacob did the naughty bumpy and she had Renesme? I mean, would Jacob imprint on her, or what?
  27.  

    Well, wouldn’t he have already imprinted on Bella by then?

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 17th 2010
     
    But I thought it was decided by fate... Or something. :c Like, they only have one love evar.
  28.  

    Yeah, but I’m sure fate doesn’t force guys to be soulmates with their own daughters…

    •  
      CommentAuthorBrink
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     

    In Twilight, fate causes horrible crap to happen on such a regular basis nobody blinks an eye.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     
    See, it doesn't make sense. Just because he had the naughty bumpy with her, why would he imprint on her? If it's a reproductive function that they all go through, I don't see why it would change because of emotion.
    • CommentAuthorDanielle
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     

    I have officially chosen a team.

    ....

  29.  

    I don’t see why it would change because of emotion

    I’m going to support your point there, Zombie. In the Meyerverse, free will is about as powerful as a small strip of one-ply toilet paper. Free will is, IMO, powered by emotion…. in other words, the imprinting event will pwn any emotion that the werewolf in question feels towards some other girl who is not the imprintee.
    Also:

    In Twilight, fate causes horrible crap to happen on such a regular basis nobody blinks an eye.

    This.

    I have officially chosen a team.

    Good on you, Danielle. I’m still struggling to decide between all my options…
    Team Blade, Team Harker, Team Eric, Team Godric, Team Angel, Team Spike, Team Damon, Team Anna (she can bite me anytime!), Team Myotismon – the list is endless.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     

    I’m still willfully choosing to ignore the ludicrous “imprinted on one of her eggs” theory because it makes no sense. What would have happened if she hadn’t done the naughty bumpy (BEST EUPHEMISM EVER) with anyone and just… well, had her period? And also, the idea is stupid anyway. What’s wrong with the simple idea that Jacob was attracted to Bella on her own merits—not because she was the only one whose mind he couldn’t read, not because she smelled good, not because he imprinted on one of her eggs, but simply because he liked her? Even people who end up with their soulmate, so to speak, the absolutely perfect partner for them, it’s not unreasonable that they would have other attractions before they meet their soulmate. I don’t see why it would be any different with werewolves and imprinting.

    Also, imprinting on an egg is even more creepy than imprinting on a baby.

  30.  

    What would have happened if she hadn’t done the naughty bumpy (BEST EUPHEMISM EVER) with anyone and just… well, had her period?

    The entire Breaking Dawn wouldn’t have taken place, that’s what.
    Because SM is so stupid that she forgot (not making this up) that women have this weird thing called a “period” once a month. It took some Twihard to remind her of its existance by asking her if Bella’s period blood will attract Edward, or something like that.

    What’s wrong with the simple idea that Jacob was attracted to Bella on her own merits—not because she was the only one whose mind he couldn’t read, not because she smelled good, not because he imprinted on one of her eggs, but simply because he liked her?

    Because that is sweet and cute and normal.
    In other words, it’s too non-creepy and non-unfortunate implications to fit into the meyerverse.
    Also, Bella has no merits beyond being pretty.

    Also, imprinting on an egg is even more creepy than imprinting on a baby.

    I think they’re equally creepy, because nothing beats baby-imprinting’s incredible creepishness.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     
    "What would have happened if she hadn’t done the naughty bumpy (BEST EUPHEMISM EVER) with anyone and just… well, had her period?"

    Is it wrong that I just imagined Jacob holding a used tampon and crying softly, "What has she done to you?"
    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     

    It’s wrong. It’s so wrong.

    • CommentAuthorDanielle
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     

    It’s wrong. It’s so wrong.

    So wrong, it could actually be part of the series.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     

    ...Zombie, I love you and I hate you for that image at the very same time.

    And then Edward jumps in the window in crazed bloodlust because of the smell of blood.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 18th 2010
     
    So wrong, it's right? c:
  31.  

    So wrong, it could actually be part of the series.

    This.

    And then Edward jumps in the window in crazed bloodlust because of the smell of blood.

    “You mongrel! You (insert g-rated cuss of your choice here) shirtless prettyboy! Did you stab my One True Love with that little object? Is she all right? You should know she is easily injured! Oh, my poor, defenseless, vulnerable, kitten-soft Bella….” (starts sobbing angstily)

    Image complete, lol.

  32.  

    Okay, to get off of the incest/period-related discussion, I have a paragraph to end the series. The last page of Breaking Dawn should read:

    Bella woke with a start, her heart pounding. She looked around, confused. She could hear someone moving in the hallway; it was probably just Charlie. She shook her head as the images that had flashed before her eyes during the night returned to her. Vampires who sparkle, she thought. That’s the stupidest dream I’ve ever had. But still, she got up quietly and walked over to the window. When Bella saw no undead abomination lurking in the trees, she turned to go back to bed, but stopped. She slowly turned back toward the window and flipped the latch to lock it, because you can never be too careful.

    • CommentAuthorDanielle
    • CommentTimeDec 19th 2010
     

    Bella woke with a start, her heart pounding. She looked around, confused. She could hear someone moving in the hallway; it was probably just Charlie. She shook her head as the images that had flashed before her eyes during the night returned to her. Vampires who sparkle, she thought. That’s the stupidest dream I’ve ever had. But still, she got up quietly and walked over to the window. When Bella saw no undead abomination lurking in the trees, she turned to go back to bed, but stopped. She slowly turned back toward the window and flipped the latch to lock it, because you can never be too careful.

    I like. But, since I’m a nerd, I must write one of my own.

    Bella screamed as the blade cut through Edward’s throat. She couldn’t look away, couldn’t cover her eyes. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.
    Edward crumpled to the ground, his head rolling away.
    Bella rushed forward. Maybe it could be reattached. Maybe vampires didn’t need heads.
    Before she reached him, the blade, wielded by an unseen hand, sliced through his left arm, then his right. His legs parted with his body in the same order. Bella screamed again. Dimly, she registered the smell of gasoline.
    A click-click, and Edward’s dismembered corpse was set ablaze. The heat hit her at the same moment something large and heavy slammed into her, knocking her to the ground. Her scream was cut off, and, once she got her wind back, she looked up at her rescuer. No face, just a red and black mask, illuminated by the flames.
    “Hey, babe,” he said. “Name’s Deadpool.” Bella could hear the smile in his voice. “Got any plans for Saturday night?”

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeDec 26th 2010
     
    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeDec 27th 2010
     

    Forgive me guys, but it was too good not to post.

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeDec 27th 2010
     

    ^^Disturbing.

  33.  

    I always knew that Wardo would bring out Jake’s inner animal…. lmao.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 27th 2010
     
    I had to reread that to understand. I was like, "wat wat wat r they gonna raep hur wat wat" then I was liek, "wat wat wat oh ok i think i get it lolz" but really I'm lying because I'm not sure what that means. :c
  34.  

    It’s a joke about how the two male leads have more chemistry than either of them have with the female lead.

    Let your mind genitals figure out the rest.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeDec 27th 2010
     
    !http://www.twilightseries.ca/wp-content/uploads/2010/01/screw-bella-swan.jpg!

    Oh, you mean like this?
  35.  

    Exactly.

    •  
      CommentAuthorDiamonte
    • CommentTimeDec 27th 2010
     

    Saw the funniest Twilighter comment on Yahoo today that put a new spin on the ‘just jealous’ angle: – said the anti’s are mean because they want to be Bella Swan and have an incredible love like she has, except no one loves them.

    It made me laugh. And then I stopped, because I realized this person was serious.

  36.  

    incredible love

    I… have no words.
    Laughing too much.

  37.  

    Fairly NSFW

    I’m now curious whether that’s a step up or a step down.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJan 1st 2011 edited
     

    Bella screamed as the blade cut through Edward’s throat. She couldn’t look away, couldn’t cover her eyes. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening.
    Edward crumpled to the ground, his head rolling away.
    Bella rushed forward. Maybe it could be reattached. Maybe vampires didn’t need heads.
    Before she reached him, the blade, wielded by an unseen hand, sliced through his left arm, then his right. His legs parted with his body in the same order. Bella screamed again. Dimly, she registered the smell of gasoline.
    A click-click, and Edward’s dismembered corpse was set ablaze. The heat hit her at the same moment something large and heavy slammed into her, knocking her to the ground. Her scream was cut off, and, once she got her wind back, she looked up at her rescuer. No face, just a red and black mask, illuminated by the flames.
    “Hey, babe,” he said. “Name’s Deadpool.” Bella could hear the smile in his voice. “Got any plans for Saturday night?”

    ...

    ........

    BEST. ENDING. EVER.

  38.  

    Nice one, Nate.

    Hey, can anyone maybe tell me what Irina is supposed to look like?
    You know – Laurent’s on and off girlfriend, I think she’s also with the Denali’s?

    •  
      CommentAuthorSharkonian
    • CommentTimeJan 9th 2011
     
    I was thinking about how long and drawn out the Twilight books are and I was thinking, what if you combined them so there was only three books (maybe even just two). See, personally, I think it would have been a lot better if the first half of New Moon were included in Twilight (the first book) as the climax being a sort of cliff hanger where Edward leaves. Then, of course, getting rid of the dance/prom/whatever scene at the end. I think that would have made Twilight a little more bearable.
    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJan 10th 2011 edited
     

    Why don’t we just cut the middle books altogether? First sentence of Twilight, and last sentence of Breaking Dawn

    My mother drove me to the airport with the windows rolled down. And then we continued blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever.

    ...

    OMG, just as bad as the expanded texts.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJan 10th 2011
     

    Actually, I was going to say it sounded a whole lot better… then I reread “blissfully into this small but perfect piece of our forever” and about threw up.

    WORST ENDING EVER. I can almost taste the saccharine sweetness dripping off it…

  39.  

    Quick! Go read eternal night!

  40.  

    And Bad Apple Chapters 1 & 2 after that.

  41.  

    While I won’t discourage anyone from reading Bad Apple, we were talking about endings, Klutor – so a little off topic.

    Still, we must all practice the arts of shilling our work – like good published authors do. XD

  42.  

    a little off topic.

    Yeah, I guess.
    But what I meant was that, unlike the canon Meyerverse, it does not Taste Like Diabetes…. you can count on that.

    Still, we must all practice the arts of shilling our work – like good published authors do.

    Yes, We Must!
    :-D

    Also, what does canon tell us about Irina – other than her and Laurent’s on and off thing and that she eats humans and is therefore Evil (but not as Evil as the Track Pack themselves, because she’s not interested in eating Bella)?

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJan 15th 2011 edited
     

    So I was talking with my mate at work: “I rather enjoyed Twilight. I haven’t read the book, but the movie wasn’t bad.”

    :-/

    edit: In other news, this is both uncomfortably disturbing and hilarious:

  43.  

    “I rather enjoyed Twilight. I haven’t read the book, but the movie wasn’t bad.”

    Compared to the book, the movie was a work of pure genius.
    But compared to other vampire movies, the movie was a wangsty, melodramatic piece of fluffy crap.
    So there.

    Also, I love that demotivational.
    And I think Rpattz will, too.

  44.  

    Taku… That’s possibly the scariest picture I’ve ever seen of Rob Pattinson. shivers

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJan 16th 2011
     

    Hey, I totally see the Depp resemblance.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJan 16th 2011
     

    ...I am so disturbed now.

  45.  

    Oh, you did not just ruin my perceptions of Johnny Depp forever.

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJan 16th 2011
     

    :D

  46.  

    TEAM TAYLOR LAUTNER’S ABS!!!!!

    TEAM RPATTZ’S HAIR!!!!

  47.  

    Team Captain Jack, ladies?
    Anyone?

  48.  

    ^^Be specific, there’s like 4 Captain Jacks.

    Eitherway, Team Rocket or bust.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2011
     

    Which one are we talking about here?

    ...eh, I’d take either of the main ones.

  49.  

    My guess is Torchwood Jack, but I don’t know.

    Hey, how about Team David Bowie?

  50.  

    Could be Jack Sparrow since Jeni posted the Johnny Depp picture.

  51.  

    @ Klutor: Irina’s blonde. The whole Denali coven’s blonde. Once upon a time I could have told you a lot more, but apart from the stuff you mentioned, that’s all I can remember.

  52.  

    Also: http://twilightsaga.wikia.com/wiki/Irina

    And I should edit to note that I meant the Denali coven as in Irina, Tanya, and Kate. Not including Garrett, Carmen, or Eleazar.

  53.  

    Could be Jack Sparrow since Jeni posted the Johnny Depp picture.

    Yes. That’s the one.
    clasps hands together

    @Steph – thanks.:-D

    She’s not going to make an appearance in Bad Apple, but she will be mentioned quite a couple of times. That’s why I needed to know.

    And I should edit to note that I meant the Denali coven as in Irina, Tanya, and Kate.

    Those are the ones in Midnight Sun, right? But the other three are only in BD?

    • CommentAuthorDeborah
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2011
     

    There was a comic around for a while, the one where the girl wants her copy exorcised? (I’d like it if someone showed that again)
    But the one thing that made me crack up was this line:
    “Hello, my name is Edward and I have no personality.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2011 edited
     

    It’s from the webcomic Headtrip, but rather than dig through all the old strips I just looked it up on the artist’s (Shinga’s) DA page.

  54.  

    ^^That comic’s like required viewing for Twilight haters.

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeJan 22nd 2011
     

    I love the “please exorcise it” line.

    @Steph: David Bowie was the one who sang Space Oddity song, right?

  55.  

    @ No One: I believe so. Also, he’s a fantastic actor.

    @ Klutor: Yes.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeJan 28th 2011
     

    My sister started reading the Twilight series because she thought it was silly that all her friends were crazy about it and she needed some refuting material, and I just read this on her blog:

    Twilight. Fanfiction. I can’t even imagine anything worse. The only good kind of twilight fan fition is the whole book from Emmetts viewpoint (not in SM style of writing. That would ruin his whole character) Heres an excerpt of my Twilight from emmett. Instead of being called twilight, it will be called hunklight. Because he is a hunk.

    “I grappled with a sea serpent today, and I won. Rosalie was cheering me on. She is beautiful. I drank the blood of the sea serpent then I taxadermied it myself. It is now in our room, where the bed should be. We don’t have a bed because we don’t sleep. Then I did weight lifting. I’m practicing on lifting bigger things every day. So I lifted weights. Then I lifted my family. Then I lifted the house with my family in it. Then I lifted Washington. If you want to be as strong as me the answer is…No. My hunkliness is unreachable. It is out of your reach. So just pretend like eating your greens will help your cause. Edward brought his girlfriend today. Shes clumsy but she is also funny. Rosalie doesn’t like her, but I like her because shes unpredictable and she stutters and she is also annoying. Her and Edward are perfect for each other. They are cheesy together, which makes me laugh a big hearty laugh that makes everyone happy. Then I show off my biceps which makes everyone even more happy. Rosalie doesn’t like Bella so sometimes we move away and pretend we’re in college or married or something. You don’t have to pretend that my name isn’t awesome because it is. Its the name of a namean lion that I defeated one day. I’m going to go eat a orangcicle.”

  56.  

  57.  
    Steph said: _"TEAM TAYLOR LAUTNER’S ABS!!!!!"_


    I hate to break this to you mah dear but he's on roids, which is cheating.

    And roids cause acne scars, hair loss, shrinking and scarring of the genitals, extreme aggression and if you don't work out all the time they turn to fat.

    And roids also make guys grow female breast tissue.

    Not to mention kidney and gall-bladder damage.
    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJan 28th 2011
     

    Yeah, really, any steroids accusations are pure conjecture. He has denied steroid use, and seeing as he would have access to Hollywood trainers and it would have been his job to bulk up for the next movie, I doubt it.

    Besides, several bodybuilding forums seem to think he’s not that ripped. And I would have to agree.

    Innocent until proven guilty.

  58.  

    @jeni – yeah, if I was paid enough, I could look like that too.

    I’m just too busy writing the next bestseller. ;-)

  59.  

    Why aren’t girls freaking out more over the guy who played Sam?
    His face is a lot more manly-looking than TL’s squishy features…

    But what do I know, right?;-)