I’m always right.

...

And I hate that.

This is all your fault, Nate.

Bad pun, bad pun

I’m surprised at you WW. Don’t you know that the adult industry is nothing BUT bad puns.

Forget morals, I’m wanting to fight them just to save the English language.

OK, that does it. We must go on a witch vampire hunt. I mean, the references to the books alone… and it’s sparkly?????????

I hate you, Nate.

The link’s broken.

As squicky as… that… is, I think we can all agree this isn’t the most disturbing demonstration of rule 34 to be found on the internet.

Yes, but certainly the one with the most… aid.

I don’t know what all y’all are so disgusted about. The fact that somebody would make such a thing is nothing if not hilarious. I about fell out of my chair when I read the refrigerator line.

Damn, that’s marketable. Pure genius.

Well, they do have vibrating broomsticks….

Seriously, I can’t see it.

Here’s a new link. Again, MATURE CONTENT warning. But I think you guys figured that out by now, lol.

Weird. The link works for me.

If you really want to endure the horridness of the product, it’s listed under Dildos. But you’re probably going to need some heavy brain bleach afterwards.

Just search “vampire twilight dildo”. It should come up.

Wow, the video was really crappy. It’s like. Shit. What sort of advert is that?

Now I have to ask two questions.

1. How did you come across this?
2. Do I now know more about your private life than you would want me to?

;-) Oh I bet you’re just dying to know how I found this…

Oh God.

Ew. Why would you even want it to sparkle? Seriously?

starts moaning piteously WHY?! Just… UGH! What the — I just — ARRRRGHHH! holds head in hands

And a scary new dimension is brought to the fangirls who scream “ohhhhhhhhh EDWARD” at book signings/movie releases….

I could have gone my whole life without thinking about that. Thanks, WW.

No problem, Alien! I happily share all mental scarring.

“Updated by popular request… Yes the The Vamp retains hot and cold temperature. Toss it in the fridge for that authentic experience.

JUST IN TIME FOR HALLOWEEN! Who doesn’t love those dark and mysterious vamps on the screen and in the books we all thumb through lustfully? That’s what we thought. For those of us who fantasize about being spellbound and tantalized by the forbidden comes The Vamp. We promise this vamp won’t be the only thing coming for you in the night.

The Vamp is a realistic form dildo based appropriately on our Sire’s design but with a deathly pale flesh tone reminiscent of the new moon’s glow. Since it’s a Tantus toy, The Vamp is made from Tantus’ own unique blend of 100% Ultra-Premium Silicone. Don’t be surprised if this toy seduces you, its long sleek shaft and deliciously ridged head calling to you in the twilight. But don’t save this for just nocturnal escapades, try taking our Vamp out in the sunlight and watch him sparkle.

The Vamp is a web only exclusive offering through TantusInc.com for $39.99. We are currently taking pre-orders for this one of a kind toy. We will be shipping them first come first serve starting 9/1/09. Don’t let this eclipse pass into the breaking dawn, place your order today.”

I know. I was just amazed.
Fucking amazed.
I was touched, actually…
Innuendos ftw.

A very cold vagina? I can’t see that selling.

What, they already got the gay male market… straight males tend to be the buyers of the least sex toys, from what I’ve heard. It’s heterosexual women, then homosexual men, then homosexual women, then homosexual men.

Probably because it is much, much easier to make a “realistic” fake penis than a “realistic” fake vagina.

I don’t disagree that that’s probably true in terms of demographic trends, but it’s pretty counter-intuitive when you think about it. Theoretically, straight women would have the easiest time wrangling some of the real thing. Maybe there’s something bigger at work there.

I dunno. I was thinking maybe it was like, social norms being what they are, even though a woman could go out and get some with success rates in the 90% range at the very least, there’s stigma attached to it. If a dude could do it that effectively, he’d be a badass cool guy hero. Therefore, a guy is expected to get his gratification from live women for the belt-notch aspect, and women are more likely to use artificial means to prevent “slut” status.

At least, that’s the most reasonable explanation I could come up with. I base most of those observations of a single semester of Sociology.

Except the “slut” status has faded and become all but out of date.

Depends on where you live, I suppose. Double standards do still exist.

If you sleep around and you’re female, you’re a slut. If you sleep around and you’re male, you’re a playa.

It all goes back to good girls and wild oats…

No, it’s OK… I thought that at one point.

But then you couldn’t stick it in the fridge…

I dunno. I was thinking maybe it was like, social norms being what they are, even though a woman could go out and get some with success rates in the 90% range at the very least, there’s stigma attached to it. If a dude could do it that effectively, he’d be a badass cool guy hero. Therefore, a guy is expected to get his gratification from live women for the belt-notch aspect, and women are more likely to use artificial means to prevent “slut” status.

Real vampire penises are liable to seed spine-snapping demon spawn in your belly, while fake vampire penises are not (and studies have shown that latex works better than garlic and holy water on the modern vampire).

But in all seriousness, I imagine there’s also a stigma about sex toys on the male side. Going out and buying self-pleasure tools is like screaming “I can’t get laid!” from the top of a building. If a girl buys these things, it’s because she wants to get her rocks off without all the emotional complications of a relationship. If a guy buys sex toys, it’s because he wants to get his rocks off and isn’t manly enough to do it properly.

BAHAHAHAHAHA

That has got to be the funniest thing I have seen in WEEKS. Way to go, Twitards!

Because I really needed to know that?

But in all seriousness, I imagine there’s also a stigma about sex toys on the male side. Going out and buying self-pleasure tools is like screaming “I can’t get laid!” from the top of a building. If a girl buys these things, it’s because she wants to get her rocks off without all the emotional complications of a relationship. If a guy buys sex toys, it’s because he wants to get his rocks off and isn’t manly enough to do it properly.

I have nothing to add

That’s what we’re saying.

I noticed that this is a youtube video and I went ahead and read some of the comments and I didn't see one that praised it (though of course nobody's going to do that and not get bashed)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ve6OT91e-lM

WHY DID I CLICK, WHY?! feels stupid
looses innocence

Ok…. why? Just… why?

Nothing says sexy like pointy sharp teeth near your… ahem

Ouchy. So glad I’m a girl.

Warren Ellis is not pleased at this discovery.

I’m so glad I have a don’t-click-links-unless-I-know-where-they’re-going policy. I have seen too many things that cannot be unseen to let it continue on any longer.

...cackles

On a lighter note, I’m just waqiting for Twilight action figures to come out.

Bella would be unreticulated (because giving her the ability to bend her elbows would be giving her MORE movement than the books).

Edward would be anatomically correct. I like to think this will lead to the following conversation:

Child: “Mummy, Edward’s got a weird lump on his leg”
Mother: “Erm, ahem, that’s a, um, that’s a Vampire Wart, you get them from, ah, kissing strange boys.” that’ll scare her off dating!
Child: “... Edward’s been kissing strange boys?”
Mother: facepalm

EDIT: OH GODS, WE’RE TOO LATE!

http://www.entertainmentearth.com/prodinfo.asp?number=NC20277 (SFW, I swear).

I’m just waqiting for Twilight action figures to come out.

They already have. 29th November, apparently.

My favourite is the Barbie Bella:

And Ken Edward!

I gagged.

I want the Washington Woods Dreamset now!

Well… you can come to my house, lots of woods around there.

I mean trees!

I mean, uh… i’ll shut up now.

Here you go alien

Oops, that was supposed to be in reference to this:

Sorry, wrong picture. Although it still made sense (kinda). But thank you for offering.

Grrr, Edward scowl.

And you can buy this “Lavender and Freesia scented” (capitals included) perfume in an apple-shaped container for $48 at Hot Topic. There is a one-bottle-per-customer limit.

“Lavender and Freesia scented”

Not blood scented? I mean, what’s the point of going around pretending to be a vampire if you don’t smell like blood?
</end sarcasm>

facepalm

Let’s hope so.

Well, it can’t go in the Twilight thread, because it contains some mature content. We can’t take it to the Perv Patch because it’s an anti-Twilight thread. And we can’t get rid of it entirely because it’s funny and points out the absurdity of the franchise.