“This may come as a shock to you, but I’m… really not good at talking to girls.”
“Why, is there someone y’are good at talkin’ to?”

“[Assigning literature to read is] like turning sex into rape.”

—my lit professor

+++ Divide by cucumber error. Please reinstall Universe and reboot. +++

From a review of the new Batman: The Brave and the Bold game:

I think we can all agree that if Arkham Asylum has one major failing, it’s that Batman did not have a laser sword, which brings me to what might be the most crucial point about this game: In it, Batman has a laser sword.

^^ Bahaha. That is an amazing comeback.

“A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.” – Nethack.

“My name is John Mitchell, and I’ve killed more people than you’ve met.”

Yeah, it’s on a fake twitter.

“But science fiction, I mean why would you want to do science fiction?” – Patrick Stewart at least a decade before people knew him.

“That’s right. She’s my friend, and she needed help. If I had to, I’d pee on any one of you.”

“There’s nothing funnier than a heap of dead Santas. They’re like baby seals in red hats!”

(the Joker, in a particularly awesome fanfiction)

“Dude, you have no, Qur’an.”

—the guy who snatched the Qur’an from the guy who was going to burn it seconds before he was going to burn it.

“Good Samaritan law? I never heard of it. You don’t have to help anybody. That’s what this country’s all about. That’s deplorable, unfathomable, improbable!”

(Accidental) Innuendo, FTW.

“You know, when you’re young like you are, Millie, it’s easy. Man, woman, bottom, top… sex is a big buffet and you are just a fat man with a fork. But, as you get older, it’s harder to get a fork. “

“Triangles are not God.”

— My philosophy professor.

O.o

To both of them.

I like Sparknotes a lot, probably for just that reason. :D

“I’m not a witch” – Christine O’Donnell being a liar.

I just couldn’t leave this alone. It was a gigantic billboard that screamed:

“Australia’s Thinnest Condom!”

._.

You got kids coming from the damn airport! And you’re advertising condoms.

shakes head The things people do to make things noticed.

“I’ve seen you without your clothes on, but I never thought I’d see you naked.” ~ Mal, Firefly

and I quote: “Are we like one of those bored couples you feel sorry for in restaurants? Are we the dining dead?”

and also: “Where’s Elizabeth?” “She’s safe, just as I promised. You get to die for her, just as you promised, and she’s all set to marry Norrington, just as she promised… So we’re all men of our word, really-except for Elizabeth; who is, in fact, a woman.”

and one more: “But… you don’t sparkle!” “That’s because I live in the real world, where vampires burn in the sun,”

In a discussion about RPG statistics applied to real life:

“itchiest asshole”... “Glenn Beck in a woollen sweater?”

found on Youtube:

Look at your comment, now back to mine. Now back at your comment now back to mine. Sadly it isn’t mine, but if you stopped trolling and started posting legitimate comments it could look like mine. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re scrolling through comments, writing the comment your comment could look like. What did you post? Back at mine, its a reply saying something you want to hear. Look again— the reply is now diamonds. Anything is possible with legit comments. I’m on a chair.

Look at your comment, now back to mine. Now back at your comment now back to mine. Sadly it isn’t mine, but if you stopped trolling and started posting legitimate comments it could look like mine. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re scrolling through comments, writing the comment your comment could look like. What did you post? Back at mine, its a reply saying something you want to hear. Look again— the reply is now diamonds. Anything is possible with legit comments. I’m on a chair.

Yeah, there have been a bunch of these lately, not exactly original… But then again it’s YouTube.

I’ve been practicing memorizing for a while (as the therapist ordered), I thought this would be a good place to carry out my treatment.

Today, my parents were talking about something. No One was trying to get their attention.

Mum: [talks about something in foreign language]
Dad: [replies]
Mum: [retorts tartly]
No One: When are we going home?
(parents carry on)
No One: [says something rude]
(parents carry on)
No One: I’m going to attempt suicide.
(parents carry on)
No One: I’m going to commit homicide.
(parents carry on)
No One: I’m going to try genocide.
(parents finally look in her direction, then resumes talking)

It was rather funny.

“I will have to use stealth instead” said L and jumped in the broken window screaming.

BEST. LINE. EVER.

EDIT: New awesome quote. So I was talking to Cleverbot just now, because that’s always fun, and for some reason we started singing Mary Had a Little Lamb together. So we get through the first verse OK, and then we get to the second…

“User: It followed her to school one day.
Cleverbot: School one day, School one day.
User: Which was against the rules.
Cleverbot: It made the children laugh and play.
User: To see a lamb at school.
Cleverbot: And not roasted in garlic.”

Me: ...
.........................
.................that was actually pretty funny.

““Gentlemen, we may not make history tomorrow, but we shall certainly change the geography.” – Herbert Plumer, shortly before the Battle of Messines

I love Allie’s stuff so much. It’s hilarious!

“You punched a lady bee!”

I finally convinced an internet friend of mine to watch more Red vs. Blue by showing him the epic Tex-vs-everyone beatdown from the latest season. He’d only seen the first couple of seasons prior to that, but I managed to convince him to at least start from the start of season 6, so I was watching it with him last night (or at least at the same time as him, as our computer screens are like 2000 miles apart…), and now I have all these really great RvB lines stuck in my head!

“Oh come on. What are you going to do, shoo-” BANG!
“Yes. Good suggestion.”

“I’m not crazy. I’m totally, completely sane. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go blow up this dead body.”

Yes, because desperate homeless people in pain are hilarious.

“Is that your blood?”

“Yes…some of it.”

(Church is giving the “new guy” at Blue Base a rundown about the Red Team)
Church: There’s this other guy [Simmons] in maroon armor. I haven’t seen him in a while, but he’s a know-it-all, man. He acts like he’s smart, but he’s really not.
“New Guy”: What?
Church: Yeah, he walks around like he owns the place… But nobody listens to him, and they always make fun of him behind his back.
“New Guy”: (sounding quavery) What do they say?
Church: Oh, just how he’s not good at stuff, and how he’s dumb, and how the stuff he likes is dumb, and how he’s not as attractive as other people are…
“New Guy”: (sniffling) Yeah, he sounds like a real jerk…
[the “new guy” runs off]
Sheila: ...You do know that’s Simmons, right?
Church: Oh yeah.

“An insincere and evil friend is more to be feared than a wild beast; a wild beast may wound your body, but an evil friend will wound your mind.”

—Buddha

^Mass Effect, I presume?
1 or 2?

@Klutor – Mass Effect 2.

“Literature is an occupation in which you have to keep proving your talent to people who have none.”

- Jules Renard

@RandomX2 and No One – very true. Both of those.:-)

“There are several ways to kill a zombie, the most satisfying one is to stab it in the brain with a wooden stick.”

—Dwight K. Schrute

^^Inception?

“Books to the ceiling,
Books to the sky,
My pile of books is a mile high.
How I love them! How I need them!
I’ll have a long beard by the time I read them.” ~ Arnold Lobel

“The skill of writing is to create a context in which other people can think.” ~Edwin Schlossberg.

“New York now leads the world’s great cities in the number of people around whom you shouldn’t make a sudden move.” ~David Letterman

Dammit I’m mad.
Evil is a deed as I live.
God, am I reviled? I rise, my bed on a sun, I melt.
To be not one man emanating is sad. I piss.
Alas, it is so late. Who stops to help?
Man, it is hot. I’m in it. I tell.
I am not a devil. I level “Mad Dog”.
Ah, say burning is, as a deified gulp,
In my halo of a mired rum tin.
I erase many men. Oh, to be man, a sin.
Is evil in a clam? In a trap?
No. It is open. On it I was stuck.
Rats peed on hope. Elsewhere dips a web.
Be still if I fill its ebb.
Ew, a spider… eh?
We sleep. Oh no!
Deep, stark cuts saw it in one position.
Part animal, can I live? Sin is a name.
Both, one… my names are in it.
Murder? I’m a fool.
A hymn I plug, deified as a sign in ruby ash,
A Goddam level I lived at.
On mail let it in. I’m it.
Oh, sit in ample hot spots. Oh wet!
A loss it is alas (sip). I’d assign it a name.
Name not one bottle minus an ode by me:
“Sir, I deliver. I’m a dog”
Evil is a deed as I live.
Dammit I’m mad. – Demetri Martin

“You musn’t be afraid to dream a little bigger, darling”

Oh wow. “You are so beautiful….It’s not fair to ask to be brave as well!” Wow.

I was trying to say something intelligent, but it’s just so…yeah. Are you going to try and make it all the way through?

The characters in your novel are not people; they are fictional creatures who have come alive to serve your needs. They may demonstrate free will, because you construct them that way, but they do not possess free will….This doesn’t mean that fictional characters don’t feel rich and real. By virtue of their very consistency, they partake of archetypal and stereotypical resonances and transcend the messiness of personality.

Girl – “Actually, tennis has higher risk of permanent injury than futsal.”
Guy – “That doesn’t matter, because she knows I’m in safe hands because of my cousin.”
Girl – “And that doesn’t matter, because I suddenly need to research something.”
Guy – “.... what?”

A random conversation that I accidently stumbled on.

.... The girl’s wrong, isn’t she? Tennis doesn’t have higher risk of permanent injury than futsal, right?

Lol.

EDIT: New quote!!

“Let me tell you something you already know. The world ain’t all sunshine and rainbows. It is a very mean and nasty place. It will beat you to your knees and keep you there permanently if you let it. You, me or nobody is going to hit as hard as life. But it ain’t about how hard you hit, it is about how hard you can get hit and keep moving forward, how much can you take and keep moving forward. That’s how winning is done!“

Kate: It’s very romantic…
Roland: Are you a woman, or a blacksmith?
Kate: Sometimes I’m both.

“Almost every species in the universe has an irrational fear of the dark, but they’re wrong because it’s not irrational. It’s Vashta Nerada.”

—The Doctor

“Omar ain’t no terrorist. He’s just another n—— with a gun. And you ain’t no Delta Airlines neither. You just a n—— got your shit took. So bring me what you owe, and talk that global economy mess somewhere else.”