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  1.  

    ‘‘It went like this. Sam Register phoned me up and said, “We’d really like you to write a GI JOE animation, at a PG-13 rating, aimed at an older viewer.”
    I said, “I’ve never seen a GI JOE cartoon in my life. The closest I got to a GI JOE comic was drinking with Larry Hama. I’ve never even seen a GI JOE. Couldn’t tell you what they look like if you paid me. I know nothing about GI JOE. It is meaningless in my world.”
    “Excellent,” Sam said. “Just the guy we need.”
    It was hard not to notice, at this point, that Sam Register is crazier than a shithouse rat. Therefore I decided to take the job.’‘

  2.  

    “Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all its pupils.”

  3.  

    This one’s for you, sansafro187:

    “Not sure if ‘genius’ is the right word, but this Troper is top of her History class and cannot. Resist. Sweets. At. All.”

  4.  

    “By Grabthar’s hammer, by the sons of Worvan, you shall be avenged.”

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeMay 27th 2010
     

    Alan Rickman and Galaxy Quest FOR THE WIN!

    “WHEATOOOOOOOOOOOON!” ~Sheldon Lee Cooper

  5.  

    Alan Rickman and Galaxy Quest FOR THE WIN!

    I love that movie so much… and Alan Rickman.

  6.  

    “It looks like a child… let’s smash it with a rock and eat it!”

    “Never give up, never surrender!”

  7.  

    “Whoever wrote this episode should die!”

    “But the animal is inside-out… and it exploded.”

    “I’m not even supposed to be here. I’m just ‘Crewman Number Six.’ I’m expendable. I’m the guy in the episode who dies to prove how serious the situation is. I’ve gotta get outta here.”

    “Is there air? You don’t know!”

  8.  

    I feel like I’ve heard your third quote before but I can’t remember where…

  9.  

    I feel like I’ve heard your third quote before but I can’t remember where…

    Galaxy Quest, just like everything else.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeMay 28th 2010
     

    Quick, let’s get out of here before one of those things kills Guy. D:

  10.  

    “well… my night just changed drastically. got hacked.”

  11.  

    “Mark Hamill is known for only three things: The Joker, Cocknocker, ...and…um…something else, I forget. Oh yeah, Fire Lord Ozai!”

  12.  

    “I WARNED YOU ABOUT STAIRS BRO!!!! I TOLD YOU DOG!”

  13.  

    “It’s not about making money. It’s about taking money and destroying the status quo because the status… is not… quo.”

  14.  

    @ Marquis: ...and the creepy dude on Metalocalypse.

    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeMay 29th 2010
     

    Not so much a quote as a riddle/wordplay:

    A man is in a room with no door or windows. A mirror and a table are also in the room. How does he get out?

  15.  

    “Arridos IVever!”

  16.  

    “Madam when you mirror reality, you see it all backward. When you start transcending it, that’s when you have a good shot at figuring what’s going on”

  17.  

    “You think killing people might make them like you, but it doesn’t. It just makes people dead.”

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeMay 30th 2010 edited
     

    And I quote “Myspace is the internet equivalent of a dingy van with a sign that says “FREE CANDY” spray painted on it”

  18.  

    “It was a good idea, Frank, but I guess bear proof really does mean bear proof.”

  19.  

    Nice, Willow.

    • CommentAuthorWiseWillow
    • CommentTimeMay 30th 2010
     

    I either heard that somewhere or I made it up. I’m not sure which :P

  20.  

    “Not only did I make a great new friend and play some fun games but my Mentor gave me an awesome tour of campus…”

    “I got a chance to hear from the Chancellor and the ASG president! I have never felt more important in my life…”

    “Learning all the school cheers was so much fun! I feel like a real [school mascot] now…”

    “I totally beat Chis at Wii Tennis last night! I also found out more about Greek Life, and am even thinking about going through recruitment. ultimate frisbee + Movie + New friends = fun…”

    “Now I know what’s expected of me when I am on Campus. MY mentor was hilarious on stage…”

    “I feel so much better about my major! I learned all about what classes I have to take and what to expect once I start this fall…”

    “I met the people working for my college and asked them a ton of questions! I was probably a bit annoying but my advisor just smiled and walked me through the process. I can finally relax…”

    —my orientation pamphlet that is supposed be imitating what a student would say D:

  21.  

    “These is boneses. Child’s boneses. Take much work to get. Verrry valueful.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeMay 30th 2010
     

    “Eveything wants to spin, and eventually you get balls.”

  22.  

    “This isn’t a screencap. It’s an eight-minute video.”

  23.  

    “Oh, goodness, look at my wrist. I gotta go.”

  24.  

    “Why would a man want to marry a man?”
    “Security!”

  25.  

    “I want Hermione Granger… and a rocket ship!”

  26.  

    Avatar. It’s the most expensive cartoon of all time.”

  27.  

    “I live in New York, and I was thinking about the lagoon in Central Park, down near Central Park South. I was wondering if it would be frozen over when I got home, and if it was, where did the ducks go? I was wondering where the ducks went when the lagoon got all icy and frozen over. I wondered if some guy came in a truck and took them away to a zoo or something. Or if they just flew away.”

  28.  

    “We stared deeply into each other’s eyes; I into her azure orbs, she into my spheres of jasper.”

  29.  

    “Going to church doesn’t make you saved or a Christian anymore than going to McDonalds makes you a hamburger. “

  30.  

    “Staying in bed and yelling ‘Oh God!’ does not constitute going to church.”

  31.  

    “Just only 30000 wulong outlay wakes you. Billionaire!! !!”

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJun 1st 2010 edited
     
  32.  

    “I did nothing. The pavement was his enemy.”

    Awesome, Puppet. XD

  33.  

    “Hey! This isn’t money! This is ham! You can’t pay for cookies with ham!”

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeJun 2nd 2010
     

    “Small deeds are better than grand intentions.”

  34.  

    “When a wizard is tired of looking for broken glass in his dinner, he is tired of life.”

  35.  

    After learning a woman was run down at a hamburger stand:

    “Three men are shot to death while attending a child’s christening, and you tell yourself, Sure. They were hanging out with the wrong crowd. But buying a hamburger? I buy hamburgers. Or I used to anyway.”

  36.  

    “In an interesting world, all porn stars would moonlight as contract killers, ramming strap-ons into the hearts of the evil.”

  37.  

    ATTENTION, ALL PLANETS OF THE SOLAR FEDERATION: WE HAVE ASSUMED CONTROL.”

  38.  

    Titles: In A.D. 2101, war was beginning.
    Captain: What happen?
    Mechanic: Someone set up us the bomb.
    Operator: We get signal !
    Captain: What !
    Operator: Main screen turn on !
    Captain: It’s you !!
    Cats: How are you gentlemen !! All your base are belong to us. You are on the way to destruction.
    Captain: What you say !!
    Cats: You have no chance to survive make your time. Ha ha ha ha….
    Operator: Captain !!
    Captain: Take off every ‘ZIG’ !! You know what you doing. Move ‘ZIG.” For great justice.

  39.  

    “Pipes are the arteries of this mighty erection!”

  40.  

    “are hipsters the ones who make the color-filtered livejournal icons of stills from 500 Days of Summer, or are those nerds?”

    “god, scott pilgrim is SUCH a hipster, i can’t even stand to draw him for these last few pages of this final book”

    “are hipsters the people who made “500 Days of Summer”? because i thought that movie was a crock of shit”

    “some people seem to think hollywood producers are hipsters. I assure you, hollywood producers are square as hell”

    “i will say that i don’t know if i’ve ever met or spoken to a hipster. I’m not convinced they exist. Unless Edgar Wright is one.”

  41.  

    “I wanna take you up to Winnipeg. That’s in Canada!”

  42.  

    “My new world is about to unfold!”
    “You got beat by a two year old.”
    “I’ll kill him this time, through and through!”
    “Or you might just give him another tattoo…”

  43.  

    “Not everyone inherited enough money to buy out NASA when they’re parents died.”

  44.  

    “WE ARE THE PRIESTS! OF THE TEMPLES! OF SYRINX! OUR GREAT COMPUTERS FILL OUR HALLOWED HALLS!”

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2010
     

    “You’ll regret this Gorgutz. I swear to you, I’LL RRRIP THE FLESH FROM YOUR BONES, AND EEAAT YOUR EEEYES!!! ALL REMAINING UNITS! CHAAAARGE THE GAAAATE!!!!”

  45.  
    And I quote: "Is not general incivility the very essence of love?"
  46.  

    “How can you say you love her when you can’t even eat her poop?”

  47.  

    “I put on my robe and wizard hat…”

  48.  

    “My turnips listen for the soft cry of your love. My insides turn to celery as I unleash my warm and sticky cauliflower of love.”

  49.  

    “I can no longer resist the pizza. I open the box and unzip my pants with my other hand. As I penetrate the gooey cheese, I moan in ecstacy. The mushrooms and Italian sausage are rough, but the sauce is deliciously soothing. I blow my load in seconds. As you leave the bathroom, I exit through the front door….”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 5th 2010
     

    “Any guesses as to why his editor didn’t cut this chapter entirely?”
    “No one dilutes the great Paozoni!”
    “His chief weapon is surprise…surprise and fear… fear and surprise.
    ... His two weapons are fear and surprise, and ruthless plagiarism.
    ... His three weapons are fear, surprise, and ruthless plagiarism… and an almost fanatical devotion to his own work.
    ... His four... no… Amongst his weapons…. Amongst his weaponry… are such elements as fear, surprise…
    Amongst his weaponry are such diverse elements as: fear, surprise, ruthless plagiarism, an almost fanatical devotion to his own work, and a nice red uniform. Oh damn!”

  50.  

    That was awesome. WHERE IS THAT FROM?

  51.  

    “want it to my boyfriend of my dreams were: rock, which is used only black clothes, who’d only long hair that’d only too clear green eyes the same as mine, who was white, and is used for bracelets and necklace of thorns thorns who likes to band KISS and the Green Day and Iron Maiden, and also Brazilian rock, and he was a romantic person and it was nice to me and especially him being a designer that would draw only things black.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJun 6th 2010 edited
     

    “Use your words, dude. Use your words.”

    Also:
    (Batman, after being soundly trounced by Prometheus and shot in the side) “Well, that was a humbling experience.”
    (later, after Catwoman saved everyone) “Catwoman, I’m glad you were here for once, but put the Storm Opals of Rann back on your way out.”

  52.  

    “How old do you think she is?”

    “Oh, I’m not good at that.”

    “It’s not a matter of being good at it. It’s just a game.”

    “Well, how old are you? Like, thirty-five.”

    “You’re right. You’re not good at it.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 7th 2010 edited
     

    And I quote:

    “Justin Bieber may be cute, but it’s the kind of cute that screams “give me a wedgie!”“

    So true.

  53.  

    “Chewing through your wimpy dreams, they eat without a sound, digesting England by the pound.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeJun 7th 2010
     

    “Stark.”
    “General.”
    “You always wear such nice suits.”
    “Touché...”

  54.  

    “When I was a kid on Caprica, I hotlinked more hovermobiles than there are doors on this ship.”

  55.  

    And I quote The Spoony One. “I can agree with you to a point. I haven’t seen Inglorious Basterds yet, so I can’t really compare the two, but I have a hard time believing that Transformers 2 can be viewed as “better” than just about anything. There are a lot of people who’ve given it 4 or 5 star reviews because it’s an “Action packed explosive extravaganza and other adjectives!”, but anyone who looks at it from any other perspective thinks it’s shit. I think it’s shit. IB might not be that great of a film, but I’ll guarantee that it at least attempts to be something more than just big stupid action, and that right there is enough to elevate it beyond Transformers 2.

    The only thing that IB might not be as successful at is maybe marketability and likeability. Some films are not easy to like, or purposefully go out of their way to make the viewer uncomfortable. Tarantino isn’t particularly fond of letting people slump in their seat sucking down soda and popcorn throughout the whole film, and a lot of people don’t like any sort of challenge at all. Bay generally prefers that that’s all people do during his films. Apparently.

    So the most popular films are those that are basically governed by a marketing committee. Maybe it sounds pretentious, but they’re effectively movies made for stupid people. Everything about these films goes through marketing. Can we make toys look like this? No? Well change them until we can make toys. Will people understand this part? Probably? Not good enough. Make sure we have a character explain it. Etc etc etc. They do everything they can to make the film as marketable as possible. They work up deals with companies to put crap from that film onto everything. Billboards, cans of soda, T-shirts, happy meals, hats, park benches, buses. They stick them everywhere. They make sure that you know that the movie is coming out, they tell you when it’s coming out, they let you know that you aren’t going to need to think at all during the film, and then they give you a ton of crap to buy before, during and after the movie’s release. Then they do the same shit when it goes on DVD.

    Quite simply, the whole thing makes me incredibly angry. Not that they’d do something like that, because let’s face it… they’re giving people what they want. The thing that pisses me off is the fact that THAT’S WHAT PEOPLE WANT. I don’t really give a fuck if it makes me sound like a prick to most people, but if you’re into this kind of over-hyped, market-defined, big dumb PG-13 garbage, YOU DON’T THINK ENOUGH. Like Transformers? Day After Tomorrow? Armageddon? Please turn off your TV, go outside or grab a book or just go and fucking think for a while. Seriously. Think about something seriously. Please. Use your brain for more than just consumption of mass media. Do a math puzzle or a crossword. Fucking anything.

    Because it’s people like that that are destroying the fucking world.”

  56.  

    Also, frosted butts.

    “Cavemen from the year 3000 who mine gold for alien overlords with dreadlock-covered eggs for heads decide to take back the Earth by blowing up the aliens’ planet with a nuke. What more could you want from a movie?”

    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeJun 8th 2010
     

    “So the internet-thing didn’t work out too well, huh?”
    “Well, I realized that if I have to deal with fat virgins, blubbering vaginas, assholes, bitches, losers, and trolls, I wanna be close enough to kill them.”
    “Heh heh. Yeah, I guess it’s true – ‘you can’t teach a dead dog new tricks’.”
    “True, but that’s not the problem. It’s just that the new tricks are so unbelievably gay. I don’t think you realize what a pack of whining girls your generation has become. I’ve never seen such a sorry sack of doorknobs in all my years. And not just regular doorknobs, no. Bitchy, fat, stupid doorknobs with big egos, no self esteem, and live at home with their parents until they’re thirty-two. I don’t know how you deal with it.”
    “Well, I only talk to them over the internet under anonymous nicknames.”
    “Hmm, smart man. I crown you King of the Retards.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 10th 2010 edited
     

    “The existential quality of certain dry-heated wheatmeal and mammarial bio-liquid mixtures can be ascertained only by a) direct observation or b) indirect evidence by way of trusted authority, insofar as said authority can be said to be trusted with regard to the aforementioned product. However, the problem of solipsism states that nither direct observation nor indirect evidence can be regarded as a credible account of any existential occurance external to the observer. Therefore, the cake is a lie.”

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2010
     

    Love is like the wild rose-briar;/Friendship like the holly-tree./The holly is dark when the rose-briar blooms,/But which will bloom most constantly?
    ~Emily Bronte.

  57.  

    “Your lack of discipline disgusts me.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorApep
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2010
     

    “I find your lack of faith disturbing.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2010 edited
     

    funny you should quote that one, Apep. I was having a semi-serious religious debate with a friend (we both know there’s no converting the other, so it’s always just in fun)...

    “I find your lack of lack of faith disturbing”

    • CommentAuthorDanielle
    • CommentTimeJun 11th 2010
     

    Me, walking past the bathroom and seeing my dad sitting on the toilet, shirt off, with hair dye over his chest hair and a shower cap on his head: Any explanation for this?
    Dad: Nope!
    Me: Okay then.

  58.  

    RAISE UP THE BANNER! BEND BACK YOUR BOWS! (WE ARE THE IMAGE OF THE INVISIBLE!) REMOVE THE CANCER! TAKE BACK YOUR SOULS! (WE ARE THE IMAGE OF THE INVISIBLE!)”

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJun 14th 2010
     

    “Humans are an odd species. They will proclaim a particular ethical and moral stance one day. And the next, they will proclaim an opposite stance with equal passion. When pressed, they explain such behavior as caused by ‘different circumstances.’ Also, depending on ‘the situation.’”

  59.  

    “haha so that browser has a dildo in its ass haha”

    —Some retard on Omegle

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJun 16th 2010
     

    “Do you know the biggest lesson I learned from what you did? We’re a lot alike, you and I. You tested me. I tested you. You killed me. I — oh no wait, I guess I haven’t killed you yet. Food for thought.”

    Yup. I’m excited.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 16th 2010 edited
     

    I’m putting this here as a reminder to quote the opinion page from tonight’s mX. There were some real stunners that you guy’d appreciate.

  60.  

    “it iswhat is you answers the past it can come back haunt you”

  61.  

    “You yelled at me… but I’m Topanga.”

  62.  

    Haha, Boy Meets World.

  63.  

    “Vi Veri Veniversum Vivus Vici.”

  64.  

    “Voila! In view, a humble vaudevillian veteran cast vicariously as both victim and villain by the vicissitudes of Fate. This visage, no mere veneer of vanity, is a vestige of the vox populi, now vacant and vanished. However, this valorous visitation of a bygone vexation stands vivified and has vowed to vanquish these venal and virulent vermin vanguarding vice and vouchsafing the violently vicious and voracious violation of volition! The only verdict is vengeance; a vendetta held as a votive, not in vain, for the value and veracity of such shall one day vindicate the vigilant and the virtuous. Verily, this vichyssoise of verbiage veers most verbose, so let me simply add that it’s my very good honor to meet you and you may call me “V”.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 16th 2010
     

    Lexi, some guys actually do like Twilight. It’s a way for us to decide who we want to date. Any girl who’s a fan of Stephanie Meyer’s one-dimensional characters isn’t worth our time.

    “Oh my god, it’s freezing! I’m going to catch anaemia or something!”

    Both of these from the opinion page.

    Nurses face vuvu probe

    That last one’s a newspaper headline.

  65.  

    “? and ? compare medals.”

    That’s a caption for a photo in my yearbook from 11th grade. They forgot to go back and add the names. There was also a caption about “Drum major yuperdoodle.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeJun 17th 2010
     

    “On June 14, 2004, a group of angry gay Australians, disillusioned by their mistreatment at the hands of their government, set sail aboard a ship called the Gayflower in search of a more hospitable land.”

  66.  

    “I have blocked the memory of most of the book, but I can say this much about it: When it was over, I felt as if I’d been butt-raped by a gay, cross-dressing version of the Death Star.”

  67.  

    “In the deepest hour of the night, confess to yourself that you would die if you were forbidden to write. And look deep into your heart where it spreads its roots, the answer, and ask yourself, must I write?”
    —Rainer Maria Rilke

    @Dan: To what book does that quote refer?

  68.  

    “Argh, what is it with England and being so awesome?!”

    To what book does that quote refer?

    Children of the Jedi, by Barbara Hambly.

  69.  

    To what book does that quote refer?

    Yoda?

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2010 edited
     

    It’s been a long time. How have you been?

    Who ever knew such innocuous greetings could be so creepy?

    Also: “I think we can put our difference behind us. For science. You monster.”

  70.  

    “Great job, Princess Peach. You’ve alerted the minorities.”

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2010
     

    Also: “I think we can put our difference behind us. For science. You monster.”

    GLaDOS, no?

  71.  

    “What’s taking you so long?!”

    “I’m adding the love.”

    “You’re not PAID to love!”

  72.  

    “Get with times, New Roman.”

  73.  

    “Wot the deuce?!”

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJun 18th 2010
     
    Puppet - yes! I love her so much. I'm so glad she's back!