There will be worse ones, but this line gave me the idea. It’s from a Brom/Eragon slash thing.

“Looking for something, Eragon?” Brom murmured, moving his hypnotising nude lips.

Don’t post lines from deliberately bad fanfiction, like My Immortal or DOOM: Repercussions of Evil.

No, actually. That’s why the line jumped out at me like that.

I had been hoping for something thoroughly terrible, though.

What a cruel minstrel fate is, treating us like pawns in a game.

WHAT DID I TELL YOU ABOUT DELIBERATELY BAD FANFICTION? FULL-LIFE CONSEQUENCES WAS WRITTEN AS A JOKE.

It began when she first arrived at the Varden and had to prove herself as women were looked down upon and soon progressed to an epic of battles and fights both large and small, treaties she had helped write and signed, how she had become both respected and feared within the Varden, friends she had made and lost, Islanzadi was shocked when she heard that she and Brom had killed two of the Forsworn together and that she participated in the raid of Galbatorix’s castle that lead to the theft of Saphira’s egg.

That was one sentence.

Uh, that story was written as a joke. It’s supposed to be bad.

As the sun rose Eragon thought of something maybe if I study lady Lorena’s bonds to Galabatrix ill be able to figure out a reversal spell for her bonds then maybe he could reverse Murthau’s as he discussed the idea with Sapira he could feel her excitement and doubt.

Harry was in his bed crying his uncle’s friend from work had raped him. This isn’t the first time he had been raped. His uncle had decided to sell Harry’s body for money and well the people at his work heard and started to rape Harry. he just hopes it will stop soon.

Little did Harry know that he was slowly dieing from all the beatings he gets from the rape. Finally Harry went to sleep he had a dreamless sleep which to him felt good. But when his aunt Petunia rudely awakened him the next morning he was not too happy.

“Come on get up and make breakfast you little piece of shit wake up!” she said unlocking his door he was still sore from the other night. So it took him a minute to fully get out of bed when he got to the kitchen he saw his uncle giving him that greedy smile so he knew that his uncle had someone else to sleep with Harry. Harry gulped he was scared every time a guy comes over to rape Harry they always drug him with something.

Harry wasn’t paying attention to the breakfast and it burned his uncle was not happy about that.

“ HOW DARE YOU BURN THE BREAKFAST WE TAKE YOU IN AND THIS IS HOW YOU REPAY US YOU FREAK!?” That is when his uncle begin to kick and punch Harry in the stomach then he took off his belt and begin to whip his back Harry began to scream in pain he felt the blood run down his back. Finally his uncle stopped and brought Harry to his feet “there is a list of chores for you to do on the table we expect them all done by the time we get home do I make my self clear!”

Oh god, my eyes! And yes, this was a serious piece.

Heh. ;)

I mean, that’s horrible! Who would ever have such a sick mind?!

;P

I sporked this out loud with my sister. Here’s the trailer (most HSM fics have one):

Its the 1940’s the decade of the blues. But its also the decade of one of Earth’s most horrid and gruesum time period. From 1933-1945 Hitler and his group the Nazis have been against Jews and have been slaughtering them.

Well here is a story of one very lucky Jewish Lady and a Kind Forced Nazi. ( Troy was forced to be a Nazi by his father, who is a very good friend of Adolf Hitler. But he is totally against the Anti-Semitisim)

I came up with this story in the middle of a Holocaust movie in school. Hope you like the trailer, but i might change it if the mood strikes me!

Troy had always lived a very fuffling and comfortable life.

Shows pictures of Troy running around in his huge backyard chasing his big dog which had a kite handle in his mouth.

Gabriella lived in a normal Jewish house and was very religious.

Shows Gabriella praying in a synagogue

Troy was a friendly person and liked everyone! But he had one Problem.. his father

Shows Jack Bolton spiting at the feet of a Jewish Rabi

Gabriella was kind to everyone but her life started being controlled by the Nazis

Shows Gabriella stepping off of the sidewalk when the German Solders came

Troy’s father forced Troy into becoming a Nazi general

Shows Troy looking at himself in the mirror wearing a uniform with a Nazi symbol on his arm

Gabriella is now forced to move to a ghetto with her mother and little sisters Jami and Maggie

Shows Gabriella and her family being shoved into a small 2 room apartment

Troy is forced to leave his little sister Elizabeth and his mother and grandparents

Shows Elizebeth hugging her brother good-bye

But What happens when these two people fall in love?

Shows Troy and Gabriella smiling at each other while walking to Auswitch

They try to be together as much as they can, and they can because Troy is a general

Shows Troy riding in a Nazi car along Gabriella as they marched to another camp

Will they go to drastic measures to be together?

Shows Troy making Gabriella and her family fake I.D.S and Birth Certificates saying they are Italian

Now that they are together nothing can go wrong.. right?

Shows Troy and Gabriella dancing

But what is someone discovers their secret

Shows Jack yelling at Troy “Troy what are you doing with that Jewish brat? Send her off to a camp!”

Will true love conquer all? Or will evil win this round. Read to find out.

Now,Who Would Have Thought?

The following chapters are even worse.

ZOMBIES!

Nope. We’ll not never forgot those.

Link to zombie story plz.

Already beginning a days work of enervating what scarce resources the city had to offer them and even though the sun was still lazily hanging on the horizon, the heat it generated, the sounds they grunted as sweat poured from their foreheads, the shrieks from the cattle in the middle of the roads merely encapsulated the city in its own world.

From some Alex Rider slash:

He laved one nipple and then the other, loving how Alex arched into his mouth, gasping.

More:

Jack watched as Sabina wrapped her teeth around the buttonhole with those pearly whites, before using her tongue to slowly work the actual button out of the hole. The tip of her tongue actually stuck through the hole when she got it loose.

Zombie story was deleted, thankfully. Its prequel, the alien story, is still there, though. This is the guy who wrote them: http://www.fanfiction.net/u/1584459/AragronOfGondor

This boy has more variations of spelling ‘Aragorn’ than Obama has worshippers.

They were driven out of the country when the worshippers attempted an exorcism.

Tifa couldn’t keep her eyes off Chicabo’s pubic hair, it had been shaved into the shape of a Chocobo’s head.

When I was 11 and this fic was new, I found it enthralling. And disgusting.

Now it’s mindboggling and disgusting.

I was 11. I had no idea how the world works, except that lesbians are Hot and Tifa has Big Boobs.

It’s ok, I’m not 11 anymore.

@NeuroticPlatypus

>What’s a “fuffling” life?

Fulfilling?

J.J.: You already are one retarded bitch!

Yuki: What was that pornographic asshole?

The second line is a response to the first, not that you’d know that by reading them.

Ew… I don’t suppose you can find any… er, non life scarring lines, Dan?

The irony is that this only counts as slash in the minds of yaoi fangirls, given that Sheik is a woman.

It’s not that long! And he doesn’t have female chest bits! And he usually wears tights, to make up for the the skirty tunic.

At RomanticVampireLover’s request, some non-life-scarring lines:

Long ago, a man Ganondorf, King of a band of Thieving female creatures known as the Gerudo!

From a Sailor Moon and Legend of Zelda crossover.

Lacus softly put a finger to his lips. “Shh… don’t speak, Kira.” She whispered. Then she lowered her lips onto his.

From a Gundam SEED, Power Rangers, and Digimon crossover.

Her Salary was indeed very high, but her paycheck only came, about once every 18 months or so. Not in enough time.

From a Digimon and Dragonball Z crossover.

All were written by the same guy.

It’s like the Bulwon-Lytter or whatever it’s called contest all over again. And I just KNOW I’ve spelled that wrong…

A while ago, I’ve encountered a rather… disturbing Pokemon fanfic. Due to its NSFW nature, I’m putting it under spoiler tags.

Can. Not. Read…

One time on a sporking community I saw a Pokemon fic about a loser-trainer who couldn’t get any. One night, his fully evolved-mudkip takes pity on him and gives him a blowjob.

If this is the obvious option when you need to pair your lonely protagonist up, you really need to kill yourself.

I don’t think so. Digimon had the scantily clad Angewomon, but I can’t think of any pokemon like that.

Gardevoir is my favourite pokemon. I therefore take offense to the above fanfic, although I can kind of see why the writer made it (google “Gardevoir” for some srtange pictures).
Alternatively, go here for a rather amusing comic about a Gardevoir’s life as an office worker.

Also, look at $00pah NiN10Doh! for more disturbing Pokemon images. Along with other assorted hilarity.

Nice parenthesis there. ;)

She had silken black hair and orbs the colors i don’t use british spellings lol of emeralds

I thought that all unicorns had white hair… and “i don’t use british spellings lol” is just thrown in the middle of the description. That was kind of funny actually.

I went to that site Smartalien linked to, reading the “Soulsisters goes to Hogwarts” one is providing some thread-worthy quotes.

“Oriona smoothed out her emerald green skirt, which covered just as much as it bearly could. it was her fav skirt cuz it coverd just enough but also made her round and firm ass look even better. with it she wore a orange tubetop which fitted perfectly round her D-cup chests but showed of her flat stomach and tiny wait.”

“Ori landed on her back with Tam on top which gave her a flashback to last summer witch she waves away “why are you on me?” she asked before looking over mares shoulder to see a boy their age with dakr hair an green eyes and a scar on his forehead staring down at there boobs. “my boobs are not a billboadre stop staring at them” ori told him.”

The whole thing can be summed up as “everyone in Hogwarts loves these two scantily-clad girls, even Hermione who runs off crying because of it”.

The Soulsisters fic is my sister’s and my favorite one to laugh at/vomit at the thought of, for various reasons.

Inspector, I, too, feel your pain, especially since some of my relatives were in camps. You have yet to read the rest, which includes such interesting lines as:

The twins then ran off to play in their room. Gabriella and her family lived in a four bedroom house. The twins shared a room, and Gabriella had one, and her parents had the other. Then there was a guestroom. They had a nice house for their time, because her father, Dominic Montez was general in the German Army.

“Hello Miha. How was synagogue? I suspect Maggie and Jami behaved.” Isabella Montez said as she walked out of the kitchen.

“It was great Mami, and they behaved perfectly.”

OK, so Gabriella is a Spanish Jew with at least one Irish-named sister living in Germany, where her father (a Jew) is a general (this person likes generals). IIRC, Jews and other minorities had their rights taken away gradually until the Final Solution. It’s like this person got all their research for this fic from a movie… wait…

I came up with this story in the middle of a Holocaust movie in school.

HEADWALL

I KNOW! It gets worse, and I’m not even counting the reference to Sharpay (Oh yes, a girl named Sharpay in 1940’s Germany).

Some snippets:

“Hello Master Troy.” His butler Jeffrey said as he took the bread and jelly from him.

“Hello and goodnight Jeffrey.” Troy said and walked out of the kitchen. He walked past the living room and saw his sister in there practicing the piano, well trying too anyway. He went and sat down on the stool beside her.

She turned and glared at him. He started to laugh at her. She was still mad that Troy told Cedric that she liked him. So what if she really did, she just didn’t want him to know.

“Come on Libby get over it!” he said still laughing. But then he left when she refused to talk to him.

So now we’re American, British, and German now?

Gabriella woke up smiling. She got up and made her bed and then did her morning necessities. She then went downstairs to eat breakfast. The Montez’s had one cook/maid. She was the only won they could afford to keep after Mr. Montez had died in the World War. The Montez’s were pretty wealthy for four people without a man. The only way they continued living the life they lived was because Isabella owned a fur company and a large stable of racing horses.

I’m not even going to comment on the inaneness here.

Annie shrugged her shoulders, “Well I still don’t understand why you refuse to eat eggs.” She said as she made some eggs for Isabella, Jami and Maggie.

“They are disgusting! You know perfectly well why. Its daddy’s fault, he was the one made me keep the egg in my mouth for five minutes. Then it got all nasty in my mouth, ugh!”

Or the randomness of this.

“Whatever you say, I heard you have a hot date with Mr. Troy Bolton!” Annie said.

Or the OOCness of this fic that takes place in the 40’s.

“Keep your knickers on, I didn’t tell anyone.” (A/N sorry I just read a Harry Potter boy book, so I’m talking a bit like this. Well I have a new quote that I stole from someone. It’s major! First person to guess who I stole it from gets to be featured in my next chapter.)

Good Lord.

“Whatever,” Gabriella murmured under her breath. “Well I’m going to take a bath. So would you please make one for me?” (A/N is that what they use to say make a bath? Please answer ))

HEADDESK

so eragon was gone to dragon pen but he notice his dragon to be strong of him. so he transform to dragon to fight his own dragon. his dragon start to jump up on eragon now to a dragon. so the dragon back to a field and the buses topple over. “oh no” sayed eragon, “why si this happening” so his own dragon to up and the flame to roar. it made so not. so eragon floated up his wings and sky the clouds to around. but the clouds began to rain and eragon lost his dragon powers. so he turned back to a human. his dragon notice of the eyesight and attacks on eragon on floor. but suddenly, eragon say he not want to fights. his dragon does not agree and eragon dragon rapes eragon. eragons dragon lays eggs and they hatch of human dargons!!!! “but what” eragon to speech his verbals, but his dragon concentrate from the eggs to motherhood. “is not parasites” to eragon saying, but eragon up from the floor. dragons to up but not! eragons dragon turn arund but to late, eragon smash up the eggs. eragon dragon does not like smashing of egglets, so eragon dragon make to rape eragon again and lays more eggs! now there aer some new eggs, but eragon not likes of these. they hatch to dragon humans so eragon gets up and picks up eggs and runs away. the dragon flies and coollects her eggs, and flames eragon to a toast. the dragon roar and continue to look after eggs.

Good God, Puppet, my eyes are burning. And my inner editor does not like this… >:(

But this thread is amusing.

__my inner edior

Oh the ironic.__

Oops…hehe

thanks for catching that Dr.Alligator. I’ll go fix it.

retch

love how it’s the colors of emeralds, not the color. Because everyone knows emeralds come in colors other than green.

Maybe the author meant different shades of green?

These are horrible.

...

FF.Net is a scary place. I clicked on Twilight Crossovers, and you find some very, erm, interesting ones. There is a crossover between Twilight and Gone in 60 seconds. I kid you not! It’s here. In it, apparently the male vampires are in one family and the female ones (including Bella) are in a completely different family (all living in Forks), and none of them know each other, which absolutely massacres the original background of Twilight, but whatever.

EDIT: Inheritance/HP crossover. After ranting about how gorgeous Eragon (_Eragon,_ of all people! It sounded like he was Edward!) is, there is this beauty of a line:

“Hi,” he said. “Do you mind if I sit here, every other table is that moment the waitress came out with my shake.“Thank you,” I breathed. Then I turned to the guy I dont mind, I stated gesturing to the opposite side of the table.

Well, his actor sure ain’t.

Lol I’m writing an Eragon crackfic where Arya turns into a vampire, murders Eragon and Katrina (who is secretly in love with Eragon), and attacks the Varden. Then Murtagh turns into a dragon and falls in love with Saphira. It’s gonna have some pretty bad lines…

Post when finished, plz.

YES.

YES YES YES.

Ladeez an gentlemanz, we haz a winar.

It’s called “The Matrix Return” and it is, most appropriately, a Matrix fanfic. I couldn’t decide which line was the funniest, so here’s the whole thing:

Neo was wake from sleeping and he shout at Trinity “Help you I think your dead”
“No I am not” she said and she gotted some water drink.
Morpheus walking into the bedroom “Good morning Neo we must kung fu”
So they trained the jiu jitsu and martia larts.
Neo kick him “Good job”

“Morpheus we got a distress signal it is from Niobe”
So they ran into the ship and they found Nioba and she was okay but there was a sentinal.
Neo punched it. His hand was hurting very badly.
“Neo you must be careful” Morphus said and shot the robot.
“Wait” Neo said and he downloaded how to kill the sentinels. But it was too late and cause the machines created a new matrix.
“No, we cannot our powers in the new matrix”
Then Neo disconnected but he was looked dead, and they all told Niobe the sad news.
“What happen in the first matrix” “They are all dead”

“tihs is too much” Morphus shotted quietly “help me fight to save this”
“i illh elp you” Trinity say with the cry she was sad cause thoughts neo was dead but it was matrix trick!
Neo try to say help but his body wads frozedn
“sOh no!” Merpheus say at teh radar screen “more matrix is attack us”
“we will have to jug in” Trinity hooked her up
Wehn they entared teh place was filled with Smiths because the matrix was curroopted with the matrix virus.
“I’ll fight this 500” Morpus said and he sworded out his katana at great attack.
Trinity watch in amazing! “You are so good”
“What’s this” Morpeud read a data becauz he was fight agents and make them run, but the data said some information!
“It say Neo is alife! We shuld wait go back to seak to him” and they tooks off by using phone interface.

Neo was okay they finds because of mediskel equipmont.
“The matrix is virused wso they cans not control the people any morR,. We arm not win yet but shall continue of the fight!”
They aggreed and formed for strewngth so they could fight the matrix one other day
“gentalmen the fight goes on” Neo said with fist and the crews cheered with new hope.

Never before have I been so tempted to lock a thread purely for the sake of humanity…

Ladeez an gentlemanz, we haz a winar.
It’s called “The Matrix Return” and it is, most appropriately, a Matrix fanfic. I couldn’t decide which line was the funniest, so here’s the whole thing:

Wait.. I think you just got a copy of the Wachowki’s [sp] script by mistake.

I liked this line most:

“sOh no!” Merpheus say at teh radar screen “more matrix is attack us”

I can imagine it becoming an internet meme equal to “all your base are belong to sOh no! more matrix is attack us!”

It’s so hilarious and painful at the same time. Like seashell homeopathy.