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  1.  

    I am so stupid for not realizing this…

    In Twilight, all the vampires have dark circles under their eyes, presumably because they haven’t slept in hundreds of years. One problem – bags under the eyes are caused by blood vessels showing through pale skin. Since vampires don’t have blood, this is impossible.

    Any other Fridge Logic you can think of?

    • CommentAuthorCodeWizard
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    The power of love compels them.

    •  
      CommentAuthorVirgil
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    Vampires are supposed to be stronger, faster, have better sight and smell than normal humans. But according to Twilight, no organs are replaced during their transformation.

    Some of the enhanced effects are okay, like better sight or smells. But as far as strength and speed.. muscle mass and density are directly related to strength. And apparently even the smallest and weakest vampires are stronger than human, so this is a dubious proposal, to say the least.

    Also, somehow the ‘blood vessels run dry’ but there needs to be a way to transfer energy from their blood processing organ (wherever the hell that is) to the parts of their body designed to receive it.

    But now I’m being nitpicky about vampires in general, and I like them better than werewolves.

  2.  

    SPOILER ALERT.

    •  
      CommentAuthorVirgil
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    Yeah fuck Twilight and its crappy cop-outs. It’s always been werewolves v. vampires, and I’m always vampires. Something about, ya know, actually blending into society, seducing humans, superhuman speed and agility, and blood drinking. Instead of uncontrolled, mindless killing.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009 edited
     

    Vampires, according to SMeyer can’t stretch they’re skin, because it’s lock thousands of diamonds and rock, that’s why they can’t have babies. This also means they can’t move, talk, or do pretty much anything at all.

    • CommentAuthorCodeWizard
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    So how exactly do they heal wounds?

    •  
      CommentAuthorVirgil
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    Maybe when the move or speak their skin breaks but it heals so quick it sparkles..

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    They’re skin is like stone though, it’s hard, and supposed to be almost indestructible.

    • CommentAuthorCodeWizard
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    Even stones chip.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJun 25th 2009
     

    A very big science WHOOPS:

    So werewolves can mate with humans, yes? And they can have children. And those children can also have children. Except there’s a big gaping hole in this, because werewolves supposedly have 24 pairs of chromosomes (48 total). (humans have 23 pairs [46 total] and vampires have 25 pairs [50 total]) So if a human and a werewolf had a child, that child would have 47 total chromosomes. Because 47 is not divisible neatly by two, that child would be sterile.

    Also, why on earth would changing into a vampire or werewolf give you a different number of chromosomes?!! I mean, venom might be able to change your DNA, but it can’t go through your cells and change every single one of them to have two more chromosomes than before!

  3.  

    This is presumably why both Renesme and Jacob both magically have 24 pairs, which also makes them both feverishly hot.

    See, even their DNA matches!

    I’d also like to point the illogic of imprinting on an idea.

    Not a baby.

    Not a fetus.

    Jacob imprinted on the idea of a child that could not have been born.

  4.  

    Also the fact that “imprinting” is when a baby animal gets the idea that something is its mother.

  5.  

    Oh Lordy Lou.

    That brings the pedo status to a whole new level.

  6.  

    Meyerpireism makes you beautiful. That is cannon. But Jasper and his cronies are described as “ordinary”.

    W.T.F. >:|

  7.  

    Not only that, Meyer states that the imprints were for the best breeding partners in the La Push tribe.

    Which would explain why Jacob imprints on a VAMPIRE!

    • CommentAuthorGolcondio
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2009 edited
     

    In my book, the harder a material is (hardness==resistant to wear, scratches and superficial deformation), the stiffer it is, and the more fragile it becomes. It’s the engineer’s conundrum, which means you cannot make bridges or engine parts out of diamond…
    So WTF?

  8.  

    Well… there was my article on it. The biggest one is: vampires seduce humans just by standing there and are nigh indestructible. WHY are they concerned about hiding?

    Also, why on earth would changing into a vampire or werewolf give you a different number of chromosomes?!! I mean, venom might be able to change your DNA, but it can’t go through your cells and change every single one of them to have two more chromosomes than before!

    That COULD be kind of interesting if the “venom” is actually a retro virus that multiplies and spreads through the body. I think I Am Legend played a little with this idea.

  9.  

    Also, why on earth would changing into a vampire or werewolf give you a different number of chromosomes?!! I mean, venom might be able to change your DNA, but it can’t go through your cells and change every single one of them to have two more chromosomes than before!

    YES. SO TRUE. I was about to gag when I read this bit in the book. Hell, I was about to gag throughout the book… Anyway:

    If vampires have no internal organs, HOW THE HELL DOES ED HAVE SEMEN? I got the impression that vampires survived the first few years by living off/eating their internal organ; this makes absolutely no sense.

    Period = dead blood. Wtf? How does that make any sense whatsoever? It’s the same blood that comes from a cut, like in New Moon, except it comes from one’s internal organs.

    Also, I just have to say this, the fact that Jacob imprints on Renesmee… Does that creep anyone else out?

  10.  

    Also, I just have to say this, the fact that Jacob imprints on Renesmee… Does that creep anyone else out?

    I don’t know what you’re talking about. If I hold my hands over my ears, shut my eyes and go “lah lah lah” it didn’t happen.

    LAH LAH LAH LAH...

  11.  

    whispers intriguingly Hey, Nate…

  12.  

    Also, I just have to say this, the fact that Jacob imprints on Renesmee… Does that creep anyone else out?

    Sort of, but I wondered why Bella was so mad at Jacob for it, seeing as it is an uncontrollable and permanent thing. It’s not like he chose her.

    And the nickname thing was just stupid.

    •  
      CommentAuthorDiamonte
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2009
     

    On that note, I have to say this – I’ve been a little disturbed by her books and the relationships in it

    Twilight – Bella is 17, Edward is 108.
    New Moon and Eclipse – Same – Plus isn’t aren’t imprinted Werewolf couples introduced here, with an underage/adult pairing? Or are they couples both underage, but with gigantic age differences
    Breaking Dawn – squick. Jacob and Renesmee.

    The Host – Spoiler for the end:

  13.  

    @RomanticVampireLover

    >If vampires have no internal organs, HOW THE HELL DOES ED HAVE SEMEN?

    I’m more concerned with where Edward gets the blood for his massive vampire boner.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2009
     

    Guys. The answer to all your questions is… wait for it…

    dun dun dun

  14.  

    No, you’re wrong.

    Better theory: Edward’s immense cold acts as a storage for his semen, which froze in his ballsack upon Dr Cullen turning him into a vampire. At some point before meeting Bella, Edward had extracted some sample of his semen and stored it in a small black box in a pouch on the inside of his boxers, his immense cold acting as a freezer would. Now, I haven’t read any of the Twilight books but I get the impression that Edward/Bella sex scene took place at night, lights off. So, when Bella wasn’t watching, Edward whipped out his strap-on and, she not knowing any better, thought she was being rammed by his big vampire-tastic cock. Afterwards when Bella had passed out from how amazingly awesome the sex was, Edward took his sperm sample out and injected it into her vag, impregnating her.

    He then cried himself to sleep. Except he couldn’t. Because he’s a monster. So he savagely attacked the pillow, sending feathers flying everywhere in his anger.

  15.  

    Oh my God, you are so right! How did I not see that? ;P

  16.  

    You’re not on the same level of perversion as me and Stephanie Meyer, evidently.

  17.  

    Fortunately…

    •  
      CommentAuthorAmelie
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2009
     

    I was watching Michael Jackson’s music video for Thriller after I heard he died last night, and I couldn’t help but laugh when I saw him turn into a werewolf and his girlfriend trip and freak out. It was exactly like Twilight, except with kickass dance moves.

    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2009
     

    What happened to that Improve Twilight thread?

    We need to go back there and add “Kickass Dance Moves” to the list.

    •  
      CommentAuthorAmelie
    • CommentTimeJun 26th 2009
     

    Yes, he would be so much cooler if he did the moonwalk and the pelvic thrust a la MJ. It might even make up for the fact that he has no personality. And Twilight would be infinitely more entertaining if we got to watch Bella attempt suck kickass dance moves. What a shame.

  18.  

    Also, I just have to say this, the fact that Jacob imprints on Renesmee… Does that creep anyone else out?

    That was when I threw the book at the wall. Jacob’s narration was actually pretty entertaining, and then…that.

    @Diamonte:
    That’s….aaaghgg. I never really thought of the “OMGAMAZING” relationships like that. I need brain bleach.

  19.  

    DrA, you have CLEARLY put in WAYYYY too much thought into it.

    Like this one guy...

  20.  

    Like this one guy…

    ZOMG.

    I did find this on the subject of Edward’s parts, cherry-picked from TV Tropes…

    How can Bella’s demon spawn exist? Edward is supposed to be ‘frozen in time’, i.e. his body doesn’t produce sperm, and since he lacks body heat, his stored sperm should have died long before the shudders conception. Hell, if we include the chromosomal differences between humans and vampires, it makes the spawn even more unlikely. Did Meyers simply fail biology, or am I missing something?

    And even if Bella can have kids by Edward because Edward’s sperm has been “frozen”, then it’s Edward’s human sperm that’s frozen, so Nessie shouldn’t be half-vampire. So, it has to be Edward’s vampire sperm, which makes no sense at all because a predatory cannot mate with its prey, that’s just ridiculous.

    And even scarier…

    If Jacob imprinted on Nessie before she was born (by imprinting on the egg) shouldn’t he have gotten more attatched to Edward too since his sperm is half of Nessie(therefore, Jacob would have to imprint on the sperm as well)?

    As the troper who made the WMG entry he thinks you’re referring to, he’s thinking that—since women are born with every egg they’ll ever carry, while men constantly produce new sperm (also, I’m still not sure exactly how vampire sperm production works. Is it like a normal male’s?)—coupled with the fact that, during the last half of “New Moon” and most of “Breaking Dawn” Edward did become closer to Jacob (at least getting to an easy indifference) leads him to believe that his theory is still correct.

    Wouldn’t that mean that the werewolf must imprint on not only the love interest, but her parents too?

  21.  

    Double post, sorry.

    Dark silver fur blew out from the boy, coalescing into a shape more than five-times his size—a massive, crouched shape, ready to spring. (New Moon)

    The law of the conservation of mass states that matter cannot be created or destroyed. So either all the werewolves are five times as dense when they are humans (no pun intended) or they are really not-dense as wolves. Really not dense.

    • CommentAuthorCodeWizard
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    Energy is matter.

    •  
      CommentAuthorArtimaeus
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    So you’re saying that werewolves have several atom-bomb’s worth of potential energy stored in their body whenever they’re in human form?

    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     
    Here's a better idea, guys. Look, seriously, it's Vampires and Werewolves. Shitty Vampires and slightly less shitty Werewolves, but still Shitty Vampires and Werewolves. I don't care what Meyer says, Vampires and Werewolves are inherently mystical creatures. Don't go Thermodynamics on it.
  22.  

    That was Meyer’s mistake.

    • CommentAuthorGolcondio
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    Thou Shalt Never Try Explaining By Science What Can Easily Be Dismissed As Magic.

    Like, From A Wizard’s Wang.

  23.  

    In Harry Potter, do you think any spells exist to increase the length of your penis?

    This is what I want to read about in JKR’s encyclopedia.

  24.  

    Somehow I don’t think she’ll include that in the encyclopedia…

    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    There is that growth spell…

    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     
    Yes, there is. You tap your dick and shout 'Biggus Dickus'.
    • CommentAuthorGolcondio
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    “Schlongo Footlongo!”

    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    Monty Python = Win

    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     
    Alternatively, you just use Engorgio.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    That’s the growth spell! Thank you.

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    Like a Giant Growth?

    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    I don’t know. I just know it’s supposed to make something bigger. If it happens to all of the guy, it kinda counteracts the point.

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    Thou Shalt Never Try Explaining By Science What Can Easily Be Dismissed As Magic.

    SMeyer failed to take a leaf out of Joss Whedon’s Book of Vampire Philosophy:

    “Well, you know, vampires aren’t real: I have that to fall back on. If vampires couldn’t have erections, our show would have been 12 episodes long.”

  25.  

    SMeyer failed to take a leaf out of Joss Whedon’s Book of Vampire Philosophy:

    I thought rigormortis solved all that.

  26.  

    So you’re saying that werewolves have several atom-bomb’s worth of potential energy stored in their body whenever they’re in human form?

    Yep. Now all we have to do is light them on fire and drop them on the Cullens!

    I don’t know. I just know it’s supposed to make something bigger. If it happens to all of the guy, it kinda counteracts the point.

    It’d still be bigger, just not disproportionately so.

  27.  

    ...I’ve been holding this in for too long.

    Bow-chicka-wow-wow

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJun 27th 2009
     

    Thank you, Tucker. Now you can go back to being completely unheard from for the entire sixth season.

    (yeah, I’m still upset about Tucker not being in Red vs. Blue: Reconstruction)

  28.  

    I’m reminded suddenly of Young Frankenstein.

    Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: For the experiment to be a success, all of the body parts must be enlarged.
    Inga: His veins, his feet, his hands, his organs vould all have to be increased in size.
    Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: Exactly.
    Inga: He vould have an enormous schwanzstucker.
    Dr. Frederick Frankenstein: That goes without saying.
    Inga: Voof.
    Igor: He’s going to be very popular.

  29.  

    Joy :D

  30.  

    Again with these icons…

  31.  

    Oh. Dear. Me.

    Other Fridge Logic:

    Have you noticed the weather fluctuations in the first book? It’s crazy! It’s like snowing one day and sunny the next.

  32.  

    I know! According to Wikipedia, Washington has a climate known for cool winters and warm summers, with very little temperature fluctuation and almost constant rain. However, I doubt it snows spontaneously and then never snows again.

  33.  

    Also, major Fridge Logic I’m not sure is Fridge Logic cause I spotted it the first time I read it: They fall in love after two weeks.

    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 29th 2009
     
    To be fair, it's a romance novel. Love at first sight is pretty much par for the course.
  34.  

    Oh, Corsair! swoons

    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 29th 2009
     
    I get that a lot.
  35.  

    Okay, at this point, I have two possible responses:

    Option 1:

    Option 2:

    Based on previous experience, which do you think would be more effective?

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJun 29th 2009
     

    Option two. ;)

    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 29th 2009
     
    Option one. It's part of my plan for apotheosis.
  36.  

    You’d just like us to believe that.

  37.  

    Option two. Definitely. ;)

  38.  

    Okay. I have a majority.

    @Corsair:

    You wish!

  39.  

    A really easy one, though I might be wrong since my parents aren’t divorced, and therefore I don’t know the ins and outs:

    It is clear that Renee has primary custody over Bella (which doesn’t make any sense if she’s as harebrained as Bella makes her out to be). Most of the divorced kids I know change their last name to their mother’s maiden name if their parents are divorced and they live with their moms. So why is Bella’s last name Swan?

  40.  

    I suspect that as someone foreign to divorce, Meyer just didn’t have enough experience with this to figure that out. Her culture would be different.

    •  
      CommentAuthorElanor
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2009
     

    Swan is Prettier.

  41.  

    Yeah, but she could’ve just made it Renee Swan.

  42.  
    I've never heard of kids doing that. I know that some kids have their mom's last name when their parents aren't married, but I've never heard of them changing it after a divorce. Maybe it depends on the family and where they live, etc.

    On the topic of fridge logic...
    I was thinking about how the evil vampires (I don't remember their special group name) want to kill Renesmee because they think she is an immortal child. How could she be an immortal child? Vampire women can't have babies in Twilight Land. So, the only way for an immortal child to be "created" would be to turn a human child into a vampire. The evil vampires know that she is Bella's daughter (I think anyway), so why do they think the kid is immortal? Or did they think that half-vampires were immortal? This was really bugging me yesterday.
  43.  

    If she is an immortal child, does she grow? (I haven’t read the book)

  44.  
    I haven't either, so I have no idea. I was wondering that too though.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2009
     

    Apparently she grows at a rapid rate, and at some point she’ll just stop growing. You know, the Twilight, “Everyone gets what they want at no effort” rule.

  45.  

    Yeah, I read that in the Cracked summary, I think. Everyone getting whatever they want gets old. But, I was wondering if she would age if she was immortal, or if she would just stay a baby forever. Though I think it’s weird that she magically stops aging at seventeen for no apparent reason. And will Jacob keep aging so that he will be a forty-year-old married to a seventeen-year-old? She should think before she answers questions with things that bring up more questions.

  46.  

    To answer your questions (I HAVE read the book):

    She’s not an immortal child. She is a half-vampire. An immortal child is a baby or toddler that has been bitten and will never get older, but because of the Meyerpire Sparkle Effect™, everyone who sees them loves them. So basically, you had someone who didn’t listen to reason, could not think at any level higher than “Goo-goo”, and lulled their victims into cooing morons before feasting on their blood. In other words, total mayhem. Because Bella is a special snowflake, no other humans have fallen in love with a vampire and lived through pregnancy, except for The Volturi didn’t know she was Bella’s daughter – that was too outlandish for them.

    Half-vampires grow until they “reach maturity” – whether that’s 17 or not, I don’t know – and then they become immortal. They can survive on both blood and human food, and only about half of them are venomous, Because werewolves don’t age as long as there are vampire around, Jacob can live with Nessie forever and never die.

    She explains all this somewhere…

  47.  

    Thank you, Alien. That pretty much answered all of my questions, about that topic anyway. And I just read somewhere that she would stop at 17. That might not be right, though. Oh, and I like the “special snowflake” reference. It seems like Bella is capable of doing things that no human or vampire in the history of all eternity has ever done. She’s just so super-duper special. Gags

  48.  

    For some reason, I thought she would stop at 25, but I’m probably wrong, because nothing I could find in the book tells me how old Nahuel is.

  49.  

    25 sounds more reasonable than 17, but then she’d be older than her parents by almost 10 years forever and ever, which seems kind of wrong. But then again, the whole Twilight universe is kind of wrong.

    •  
      CommentAuthorSMARTALIENQT
    • CommentTimeJul 4th 2009 edited
     

    There is a reason why we have this thread in the first place…

  50.  

    This is true.