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    • CommentAuthorAri
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009 edited
     

    Right. So most of you know I do/did live in China, and since books in China (except for Twilight) are hard to come by, whenever I go to America my first stop is a book store. (Yes, I am in the States nao.) To my horror half the bookshelves were covered in post-Twilight vampire books. My sister, who I am slowly converting to an Anti, but also loves dark/horror/goth/whatever, of course went straight to this pile of vampire-themed bad writing and picked out one called Vampire Kisses by a lady named Ellen Schreiber.

    And dear Lord above, it’s worse than Twilight. Anyone familiar with My Immortal? (If not, check TV Tropes. Warning: you WILL lose brain cells.). This lovely book makes me wonder if the two had sme forbidden love affair and this is the product of it.

    Summary: A girl named Raven (yes, Raven) lives in some town she calls “Dullsville.” She is “goff” and if you’ve read the descriptions in My Immortal you’ll know what I’m talking about when she goes on about how she dresses. And…a vampire moves into town. Of course he is incredibly hot. Chaos ensues. Or something.

    To give you a tidbit of this lovely prose:

    “There he stood, like a Knight of the Night, looking straight at me with those dark, deep, lovely, calming, lonely, adoring, intelligent, dreamy, soulful eyes.” (p. 192)

    Dang. I want some eyes like that.

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009
     

    Why was this published?
    It shouldn’t exist!

    • CommentAuthorCodeWizard
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009
     

    Let us go depart and burn the unclean books that corrupt our youth and filth their minds!

  1.  

    Lol? At the local Waterstones there’s a small ‘vampire romances’ shelf inbetween Crime and Fantasy. Make of that what you will.

    •  
      CommentAuthorDiamonte
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009
     

    Right now, the teen section of the bookstore sucks. It’s divided between sexy vampire stories, and typical sappy romance stories. Tis evil. I’m using this horrid time to read up on the classics that I have never bought otherwise, until ‘The Next Big Thing’ (TM) comes around, and hopefully is better than Twilight.

  2.  

    Wow. I think I saw that book in a book shop once… I tend to keep away from the teen section nowadays. ;)

    •  
      CommentAuthorSMARTALIENQT
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009 edited
     

    Is it actually published, or is it just vanity-published?

    Because if an editor actually let that pass, I weep for humanity.

    EDIT: Just found this link, and this one, and this one. sob

  3.  
    Ha has how many pairs of eyes?
  4.  

    I don’t think vanity-press books make their ways to proper bookstores, do they?

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009
     

    Doubt it, and if they do, probably only independent ones.

  5.  

    Most helpful critical review (1 star):

    I am a vampire novel nut, and thus have read pretty much EVERY YA vampire book on the market. So I can say with real experience, this is one of the worst vampire books I have ever read, second only to RL Stein’s travesty, “Dangerous Girls”.

    The main character, a “Goth” girl imaginatively named “Raven”, is a walking Mary-Sue cliché for gothic characters. She loves wearing black clothes and spider rings, hanging out in graveyards, dreaming of hot vampire boys, dressing up as a preppy tennis player for Halloween (no, it’s true) and making fun of the “popular” kids, and can always come out on top in a clash of wits with the shamefully stupid and typical popular kids (who all wear Tommy Hilfiger, by the way). And for some reason, despite the fact that she claims everyone in her town “hates” her, she is never persecuted, and is in fact even the secret desire of gasp the most popular boy in school, with whom Raven willingly makes out, even though she claims to hate him!

    As if the faux-angst teen melodrama wasn’t enough, Schreiber throws in a half-baked, again clichéd-out vampire plot worthy of the late, great “Goosebumps” series. A hot Goth boy moves into town who is: apparently foreign (with a slight accent, even!), lives in a huge old manor nobody has lived in for years, isn’t seen during the daytime, only pops out at night (conveniently in the graveyard where Raven spends her time), and drops terrible hints all over the place about his true nature (think Dracula’s “I never drink…wine.”). Things just spiral down from here, and inevitably end up at the evil of all high school evils, the PROM!

    The characters are shallow, the plot is even less deep, and the extent of Raven and her vampire love-boys connection is this: “I’m a hot goth boy.” “I’m a hot goth girl who loves hot goth boys.” “I call this town Dullsville.” “Oh, my God, I call this town Dullsville, too!” (no, I promise, that last exchange ACTUALLY happens in the book) “We’re meant for each other!”

    Ellen Schriber clearly has no idea how contemporary high schools work. If she did, she would know that Goths are no longer the minority, even in small towns (I once lived in a community of 4,000 people in the deserts of Arizona, and a good 20 of the kids at the high school were Goth). This wouldn’t even work as a parody of the YA vampire genre, because even if Schreiber didn’t quite make it there, you could tell that she was at least trying for a credible gothic love story, and NOT a parody. This is to vampire novels what Star Wars 3 is to the rest of the Star Wars series: a poorly-written drama that would have been better off as a comedy.

    This book is obviously aimed at the pre-teen set, and will most likely be worshipped by young girls who have yet to enter high school. This brings NOTHING new to the vampire genre. If you want a genuinely GOOD YA book with a realistic and amusing look at the teen Goth and vampire culture, try SWEETBLOOD by Pete Hautman. But DON’T buy Vampire Kisses.

    And, some snippets from what I thought was the funniest 1-star review:

    Raven cannot compare to a more interesting and rounded character like Bella of “Twilight.”

    I barely got to Alexander. I couldn’t make it that far in the book. I’m almost sure he is a stereotypical vampire character and completely predictable. Again, from the little I did read, he is no comparison to Edward of “Twilight” who manages to be mysterious, yet endearing.

    While the characters are completely unlikeable and one-dimensional, the writing is worse. The style is completely immature. There is no character development, no plot development, and every other statement is marked with an exclamation point like everything is such a big deal and the author is trying to convince the reader of this. Unfortunately nothing is a big deal and the reader loses interest. The “big deal” boils down to Raven being obsessed with vampires and finally finding one she can call her very own! How exciting! The writing is not strong enough to draw in this reader (obviously, since I couldn’t even finish it) and it doesn’t unfold enough suspense to hold the interest. This would at least make up for the really bad characterization. Raven’s actions have no real motivation. It seems like much of the story is left out because the author just wants to focus on the central love story and expects that to be enough.

    This book won some kind of award for reluctant readers. I think it would make a reluctant reader even more reluctant. The writing is easy enough to read because it is so brainless, but the story could definitely be made more interesting to at least draw in someone who is not that interested in reading.

    My suggestion would be for the author to give up writing and maybe go back to acting. She might be better at that.

    • CommentAuthorAri
    • CommentTimeJun 21st 2009
     

    The thing is, I actually agree with her. Twilight’s no work of art, but I at least enjoy reading it. The narrative can be pretty good sometimes, and…I dunno, Meyer had some sort of charm that makes it look better than it is. I think if she keeps working at it she could be a really good writer. But this book….yeah. No.

  6.  
    -bursts out laughing-

    Holy crap. That is all I have to say. That book just sounds..whoa. -blinks-
  7.  

    I happen to wear all black, and if there was a graveyard around, you bet I’d be hanging out there. And spider rings are all the rage nowadays, because I’m so gothic.

    sarcasm

    But I really do love black. So classy.

    Is there a book that accurately represents the goth subculture? (Or is that accurate? I always thought there was more to goth than being fascinated with the color black.)

  8.  
    Hey, I LOVE cemetaries, and I often wear black.
    But I'm not Goff. I just happen to love old cemetaries and wear a lot of black.
    So this book is giving black-wearing cemetary lurkers a bad name. I hate it already.
    •  
      CommentAuthorCorsair
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2009
     
    Anyone who 'hangs out' in a cemetary is either a goth, a necrophiliac, or an LARPer.
  9.  
    oh god. this is why I dont read vampire novels - they are too much like...like...like this, really. And comparing a shitty vampire romance to another shitty vampire romance, claiming how masterfully written the latter is just does things to my brain one would rather not speak of in front of other people.
    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2009
     

    Gah, the teen section in bookstores makes me sick. When I venture there to find the rare gems (they are indeed few), I feel vaguely ashamed to be seen in front of a wall of vampire/fantasy/high school romance.

    •  
      CommentAuthorJeni
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2009
     

    Anyone who ‘hangs out’ in a cemetary is either a goth, a necrophiliac, or an LARPer.

    D: I go to them because I like reading gravestones.

  10.  

    I looked up Vampire Kisses on Wikipedia- apparently, there are six books in the series, and more are coming.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2009
     

    Thank goodness IC and Twilight only have 4 apiece…

    •  
      CommentAuthorOverlordDan
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2009 edited
     

    She is “goff” and if you’ve read the descriptions in My Immortal you’ll know what I’m talking about when she goes on about how she dresses.

    Like this?

    I may be in love…
    :D

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeJun 22nd 2009 edited
     
    ...no, not that kind. You won't find Ghazghkull and friends here, although that would improve it to no end.
    It's the BAD kind.
  11.  

    D:

    but ork’z made fur fightin’...

  12.  

    Lol? At the local Waterstones there’s a small ‘vampire romances’ shelf inbetween Crime and Fantasy. Make of that what you will.

    “It’d be a fantasy crime of mine to beat these authors senseless and steal their poor, abused thesaurus’ from them.”

    Maybe that’s my problem… I’m not published because I’m trying too hard. I need to write crappier.

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeJun 23rd 2009
     

    You also need to be ghost-writing a ‘celebrity’ autobiography.

    • CommentAuthorAri
    • CommentTimeJun 24th 2009
     
    That seems to be the ticket...I hate ghostwriting.
  13.  

    New material: my best friend has read the manga version of this. And she likes it. Granted, she has not yet been exposed to Twilight.

  14.  
    D: I go to them because I like reading gravestones.

    Seconded. Cemetaries are awesome.
  15.  

    “Hell, she probably thought a cemetery was just a big outdoor library with a lot of backrests.”

    Seconded. Cemetaries are awesome.

    Yes, they are.

  16.  

    Love ‘em. There’s an sense in the air that you can’t find anywhere else…

    •  
      CommentAuthorJabrosky
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2009
     

    Why aren’t people getting sick of all these vampire books yet?

  17.  
    "The “big deal” boils down to Raven being obsessed with vampires and finally finding one she can call her very own!"

    ...And Twilight is about what? Maybe Bella doesn't start out being obsessed with vampires, but she is definately obsessed with Edward. Didn't Twilight get recognized for helping relunctant readers too?
    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJul 1st 2009
     

    The thing I hate is that some female professional writers and critics like twilight. :P

    •  
      CommentAuthorMoldorm
    • CommentTimeJul 2nd 2009
     

    At my local bookstore, I also have a stand of ‘vampire romance’ young adult books. Some of the books have no vampires, but all have a black/white/red Twilightish colour scheme.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeJul 2nd 2009 edited
     

    Well, I guess my library isn’t that bad. When the movie cam out they hid the poster in a corner where only employees are allowed to go. :)

    •  
      CommentAuthorCGilga
    • CommentTimeJul 2nd 2009 edited
     

    My library didn’t even have a poster for the movie. Of course I prefer the smaller library because the larger library recommends everything from The Princess Diaries and New Moon to The Book Thief and The Graveyard Book for teenagers.

    What the hell?