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    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011 edited
     

    I could’ve sworn we had a Maradonia thread, but after much searching (aka using the search function to look for “maradonia” and “tesch”) I have determined we actually don’t have a general Maradonia thread. (If I’m wrong, then bump that one up and I’ll get rid of this one.)

    Anyway, this is now the place to discuss Maradonia. And I have some exciting news! Remember how Miz Tesch has a blog now? Well, I subscribed to it for the lulz, obviously, and it has paid off: Maradonia Newsletter July-August Basically, there’s a Maradonia theme song now (???) and an AUDIO BOOK. Not an audio book, an AUDIO BOOK.

    For those who, understandably, don’t want to give her pageviews, here’s the text of the thing:

    Dear Friends and Partners!

    I wanted to write earlier but I was heavily involved in the ongoing production that I never found the time to give another update concerning our latest production work during this hot summer! However, I had book signings, several editorial changes in the screenplay had to be made and since the middle of July we were practically on a daily base even on Saturdays and Sundays in the Studios and produced for the Maradonia Movie the Music & Sound Track with over six hours.

    The Maradonia Theme Song is produced.

    I believe the Maradonia Theme Song is indeed a first class production! We will use a contemporary version of the Maradonia Song for my first AUDIO BOOK, which was also produced and finished last week. I am so thankful that I am able to present my first AUDIO BOOK with the title: Maradonia and the Seven Bridges to an audience of middle readers and young adults.

    The AUDIO BOOK will be offered on 10 CD’s (11 Hours and 20 Minutes) and this audio version is a completely new edited version of my first novel which I began writing at the age of ten years. Soon we will have specific information on our own website, Maradonia.com, how to purchase and download the new Audio Book (1).

    The Maradonia Saga starts basically as an everyday story. A girl called Maya and a boy called Joey found a mysterious place in a forbidden area which opened the way to a World between the Worlds. The Land of Maradonia!

    With their arrival in Maradonia a prophecy is fulfilled and overnight their simple life in the small city of Oceanside has changed completely because they are thrust into a strange and perilous world.

    Aaaand… then, completely randomly, it switches to… images of the rest of the newsletter? Here they are, safely transferred to Imageshack lest Gloria remove the images and we can no longer mock her newsletter:

    I’m fairly certain this is the first movie to ever be made with the soundtrack first. Also, who wants 11 hours and 20 minutes of Maradonia? NOT ME! I might consider buying the theme song, though, if it’s cheap enough.

  1.  

    Who wants to bet that the AUDIO BOOK has really crappy voice acting.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011
     

    Who wants to bet it’s a family member doing it?

  2.  

    Who wants to bet it’s Gtesch herself reading it?

  3.  

    Who wants to bet it’s Gtesch herself reading it?

    Me, I do! Also, I see she still has a very awkward way of writing.

    When she says, “Music and Sound Tracks,” it makes it sound like they not only have the music from the movie, but all the sounds as well.

    Maradonia Dynamite!

  4.  
    bq. *Maradonia Dynamite!*


    With a Laserbeam.
  5.  

    With a Laserbeam

    SHE’S A KILLER QUUUUUEEEN.

  6.  
    Enjoy your Ninajness ;- )
    •  
      CommentAuthorJabrosky
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011
     

    Who wants to bet it’s a family member doing it?

    Come to think of it, who else has the feeling that this whole business is just one big scam run by Gloria’s parents to exploit their daughter? The parents are certainly very involved in promoting the bricks.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011
     

    If so, I don’t think it’s worked very well. Does anyone actually buy any Maradonia merchandise? I mean, aside from sporkers?

    •  
      CommentAuthorRorschach
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011
     

    Gloria has a new blog:

    http://gloriatesch.wordpress.com/

    •  
      CommentAuthorRorschach
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011
     

    And a new picture:

  7.  

    So…. Gaga Tesch? Yeah, that’s our new name for her. Or maybe Bowie Tesch.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeAug 29th 2011 edited
     

    ...wow. That is all.

    •  
      CommentAuthorYorkshire
    • CommentTimeAug 30th 2011
     

    Um…I clicked on the picture expecting it to be funny, but that…is just so much more hilarious than I anticipated.

  8.  

    I’m Scared.

    Hold me.

  9.  
    bq. I’m Scared.

    bq. Hold me.


    . . . Should I say what I want to say?
  10.  

    Bowie Tesch

    Nooooooooooo! Bowie she is not! If she were, she’d have the ability to write good stories – because David Bowie can do anything!

    . . . Should I say what I want to say?

    If it’s the same thing I want to say – go ahead.

    •  
      CommentAuthorClibanarius
    • CommentTimeAug 30th 2011 edited
     
    bq. If it’s the same thing I want to say – go ahead.


    Eh, it was something along the lines of 'I'm flattered but I think your Mother might have issues with that.'

    bq. – because David Bowie can do anything!

    But can his tears cure cancer?
  11.  

    But can his tears cure cancer?

    If he’s part phoenix, they can.

  12.  

    ‘I’m flattered but I think your Mother might have issues with that.’

    Why not “Don’t get excited!”?

    But can his tears cure cancer?

    His eyes can download new jutsu’s, so why not?

    If he’s part phoenix, they can.

    David Bowie is not part phoenix.
    Phoenixes are part David Bowie.

  13.  

    Lol.

    You men are pervs.

    Actually, Gtesch’s…...outfit kind of reminds me of Cats. But less cool.

  14.  

    It’s kind of scary how from some angles, especially in the first and second photos, Gloria Tesch and I look alike.

  15.  

    Hey now – I was just making a random Star Wars reference and discussing in detail the unfathomable awesomeness of, and the various mystical skills displayed by, one David Robert Jones.;-)

    But less cool

    Incredibly so.
    Now I’m gonna watch Cats again. Curse your sudden but inevitable mention of yet another classic musical, Inspector!

    @Steph – nah, you’re a lot cuter.:-)

  16.  

    I was about to cry stalker on you, Klutor, and then I realised—wait. Facebook.

  17.  

    Lol at the pic.
    Facebook: helping people know what you look like even though they wouldn’t otherwise know what you look like and you never described yourself to them and the internet is full of lying liars anyway, since 2006.
    That was a stupid motto, I know.

  18.  

    Lol. I like “Facebook: it sucks.”

    Short, snappy, true.

  19.  

    ^Indeed.

  20.  

    Now I’m gonna watch Cats again. Curse your sudden but inevitable mention of yet another classic musical, Inspector!

    Mungojerrie and Rumpleteazer could TOTALLY kick Gloria’s ass.

  21.  
    bq. You men are pervs.


    Well then, by the powers not vested in me by the elusive double standard. . . You women are pervs!

    But now neither men or women are pervs because it's relative now.

    *I r winner*
  22.  

    Well then, by the powers not vested in me by the elusive double standard. . . You women are pervs!

    I never said I wasn’t.

    :D

  23.  

    Can we get back to talking about how cute I am, please?

  24.  

    You’re adorable, Steph.

    You’re like a fuzzy little Koala.

  25.  

    You mean I’m furry and like to bite people? I’m not sure how to take this…

  26.  

    ^Personally I’d rather compare you to a summer’s day Bambi, but (and not a lot of people are old enough to remember this) he’s actually a dude, so that wouldn’t work out.

    The little kitten from Aristocats, then?

  27.  

    The little kitten from Aristocats, then?

    Marie is so cute. :D

    (recently downloaded Everybody Wants to be a Cat. Squee)

  28.  

    ^Long before I heard of this other guy called Han Solo, I idolised Tom Cat as the ultimate Loveable Rogue.
    Cool and tough, but still enough of a gentleman to his lady.

  29.  

    So, he’s like Rum Tum Tugger, only not a jerk!

  30.  

    Pretty much. Also he tackles the evil butler to the ground.
    A cat, taking an adult human male down. Awesome.

  31.  

    Aww, now I need to watch that one again. (and Cats, because it is also awesome.)

    That would be the best crossover EVER. Prove me wrong.

  32.  

    Hey, I’m a fan of both, so why not?

    But I think there might be one crossover able to beat it:

    What do you think?

    •  
      CommentAuthorRorschach
    • CommentTimeSep 2nd 2011
     

    I think the weirdest thing about Tesch’s blog is the absolutely atrocious writing. I have to remind myself, occasionally, when sporking her work, that I am reading stuff that was written by a 14-year-old, but Tesch is 17 now, and her writing, if anything, has gotten worse.

    It’s like English is not her first language.

  33.  

    ^^I don’t get that either and am still amazed (appalled?) by it.

  34.  

    Wasn’t there something about her being German and the way she writes is very similar to how Germans writing English construct their sentences?

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeSep 5th 2011
     

    I bring news of our Highly Exalted Leader, fellow Imps!

    What? No, I’m not talking about Sly, don’t be silly. I am, of course, talking about The Glorious Gloria.

    She knows archery now. How fascinating. I am so thoroughly excited that I can be a party to this wondrous news and feel utterly fulfilled for subscribing to your blog.

    Also… apparently the book trailer was down off Youtube for a while? And it’s back up now. This is important for some reason. We are all very glad to hear this.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeSep 5th 2011 edited
     

    The book trailer was down because the Tesh family (accidentally?) hired a publicist who actually had some sense, who took it down and called it a parody (I did say some sense). They’ve obviously fired that publicist and gone back to self-promoting again.

    Also, just like with her books, Tesch is more interested in showing us that she has shot an arrow (or written a book) instead of focusing on accuracy or quality. LOOKIT ME, I’M A ARCHER!, she cries, and LOOKIT ME, I WRITED A BOOK!. But she seems oblivious to the fact that the entire point of loosing an arrow is to hit the target, and who cares if she did or not? The fact that she is A ARCHER is much more important that whether or not she can actually do it with any competence.

    And that’s probably the saddest thing – she seems to never do something because she enjoys it, but because it is An Achievement to unlock, like the much-despised Video Gamers who won’t read her book. Or it is something to add to her “image”.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeSep 5th 2011
     

    Ohhh, right, I forgot about the publicist. Yeah, there’s no mention of it being a parody now, just that it was apparently “recommended by several readers” (?!) and is definitely not a movie trailer. Because we might’ve gotten confused there. Because the trailer has so much about the movie in it.

    Also, is it terrible of me that I kinda thought the same thing about the archery? No offense, Miz Tesch, but it didn’t even look like she was trying to aim… archery’s not just about loosing arrows, after all. It’s about, like you said, hitting something with them. I mean, anyone can use a bow. Anybody can use a gun, too, but you actually have to hit your target before your shooting skills are worth anything.

    •  
      CommentAuthorNinjaCat
    • CommentTimeSep 5th 2011
     

    That video totally just made my day. Ha. Totally pro. Ooh! I made a bow two years ago out of a tree and clothesline that still has a draw weight of 20 pounds and shoots sticks 30 feet! Does that make me a pro too!

    Plus, my target is whatever it hit. I have excellent aim.

  35.  

    Also, is it terrible of me that I kinda thought the same thing about the archery?

    No – I thought the same thing, except that I’m not quite as eloquent as Mr Taku up there.
    It kinda reminded me of Smeyer putting the names of a bunch of bands in her acknowledgements at the end of New Moon, in order to show that she is, in fact, hip to the jive (and down with the hood, yo!) concerning what the kids of today are listening to. She then proceeded to put a photo of herself and the lead vocalist of Muse (I don’t know his name, cause I’m not really a fan) on her website.
    And I quote the caption: “Cropped to imply that we were alone together”
    EWWWWWWW...

  36.  
    bq. EWWWWWWW...


    Durty Purvert : )
  37.  

    BAHAHAHAHAHA

  38.  

    Durty Purvert : )

    Underneath all that sheltered repressed-ness and daddy issues of Freudian proportions, she certainly is.
    “Every cell in my body seemed to long for his coming”, anyone?

    •  
      CommentAuthorThea
    • CommentTimeSep 6th 2011
     

    “Every cell in my body seemed to long for his coming”, anyone?

    Well, I’m dutifully disturbed. (Is there a smiley of pursed lips of the ‘ew’ variety?)

    Also, is it terrible of me that I kinda thought the same thing about the archery?

    I have to confess I found the clip unnerving…arrows are projectile weapons and she’s just sending them off. I didn’t stick with archery very long, but all those safety warnings are coming right back.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeSep 7th 2011
     

    I have to confess I found the clip unnerving…arrows are projectile weapons and she’s just sending them off. I didn’t stick with archery very long, but all those safety warnings are coming right back.

    Exactly!

    Also, her stance is terrible. Who would stand like that while trying to aim and draw a bow?

    • CommentAuthorNo One
    • CommentTimeSep 7th 2011
     

    I finally looked at the surprisingly short and unexpectedly hilarious video of Gloria’s archery.

    I think she’s trying to look awesome (and failing at that). I wonder where or what did she think she was aiming at?

  39.  

    I dreamed about Gloria Tesch last night. Completely serious here.

    •  
      CommentAuthorClibanarius
    • CommentTimeSep 7th 2011 edited
     
    ^^ Was it "lewd and digusting"?
  40.  

    ^Nice one.

  41.  
    Heh. In the dreams thread, Dan Locke (now known as Stellar Jetman) said that his dreams were usually 'lewd and disgusting."
  42.  

    @Clibanarius

    Heh. In the dreams thread, Dan Locke (now known as Stellar Jetman) said that his dreams were usually ‘lewd and disgusting.”

    Well, it was actually “lewd or disgusting”, but I won’t split hairs. It’s hardly an accurate statement now, anyway.

  43.  

    Even though I didn’t know what SJ said about his dreams, it was still bloody hilarious.
    My dreams, on the other hand, are usually very disturbing and upsetting.

    •  
      CommentAuthorTakuGifian
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011
     

    Two things.

    A comment on Tesch’s archery video:

    I am impressed by the skills demonstrated by Gloria Tesch in this video. An amazing young author and an amazing young archer – Gloria is truly a Renaissance intellectual of high spiritual power!

    ... moving along.

    There are no words

    •  
      CommentAuthorSpanman
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011
     

    Oh… oh dear.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011
     

    Aww, I’m at school and don’t have headphones, so I can’t watch that… :(

    Someone wanna write up a transcript of the dialogue/sounds for me, or should I just wait a couple of hours until I get home? :P

  44.  

    I’d like a transcript as well, on my home computer, youtube is block’d…

  45.  

    This is the description of the video, and the summary of the book is what she reads:

    She reads it in front of a really loud fountain too. There is also music some of the time.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeSep 15th 2011
     

    Yeah, she just reads the summary. And then says to go to her website and buy the book.

  46.  

    Oh god, the ellipses. MAKE THEM STOP

  47.  
    A guy on AS says the music sounds like the sountrack to a porno.
  48.  

    ^The whole “unleashed beast” thing suddenly makes sense.

  49.  
    bq. ^The whole “unleashed beast” thing suddenly makes sense.


    Nice : )
  50.  

    Thank you, sir.

  51.  
    You're most welcome : ) *Doffs hat*

    All Hail King Klutor!
  52.  

    No man of human born can kill me!

  53.  

    ^^I’m not sure whether you intentionally got that wrong or not. :/

  54.  

    Lol. It was intentional, actually.
    Also, if you read it out loud it sounds really funny for some reason.

    •  
      CommentAuthorFell_Blade
    • CommentTimeOct 13th 2011
     
    Oh my gosh... The Warrior Queen of Selinka?! Really?! Maya got promoted ahead of Xena? Hahahaha! Somebody on here had it right when they said this book is its own parody!
    Wait, so if she says sudden disaster strikes, then qualifies that by saying that the city officials give Maya and Joey poisoned drinks, could this mean someone is going to die? Have the citizens of Maradonia finally realized their own peril in letting these sociopaths rule?

    ............

    Nah, wishful thinking. =/
  55.  

    the city officials give Maya and Joey poisoned drinks

    Doctor Stealthyreferencetoameme, I presume?

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeOct 26th 2011
     

    ^Long before I heard of this other guy called Han Solo, I idolised Tom Cat as the ultimate Loveable Rogue.

    Quoted for truth.

    I’m almost close to recognizing what you’re referencing, but I don’t quite know.

  56.  
    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeOct 26th 2011
     

    Huh? I knew that one.

    I meant this.

    Doctor Stealthyreferencetoameme, I presume?

  57.  

    Oh, that.

    The “But what about poison?”-meme that kicked off on this site.
    From a line in the first book, I think.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeOct 26th 2011
     

    Aha. very stealthy indeed. Has that spread outside our boundaries yet?

  58.  

    ^Doesn’t look like it.
    Knowyourmeme looked at me funny when I just searched it to check.

    Maybe we should resurrect it, then – make posters and whatnot?

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeOct 26th 2011
     

    Hmm. I feel like the “Rawken Army” has a lot of potential as well.

    I see ten thousand Gene Simmons clones descending on the helpless land, devouring all in their path with leather-studded, up-to-eleven RAWK.

  59.  

    I can’t remember that one. What was that?

    But I remember when “the air sparkled around them”.
    We should totally meme-ify that one.

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeOct 26th 2011
     

    It’s mentioned in a NeuroticPlatypus comment about thirty posts up or so.

    TOTES.

  60.  

    Awesome.
    Three memes in the works, then.

    Shall we?

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeNov 13th 2011
     

    HAY GUISE I DID A LIBRARY SHOWCASE SO THAT MEANS I’M FAMOUS NOW MMKAY

    At the bottom, there’s a picture of Glo and the two other girls that were involved, and I have to say, they look quite nice. The other girls, anyway. No offense to Glo, but… she just looks like she’s trying too hard.

    And because I love you guys and/or I’m annoyed because my $%&^87ing homework won’t work, I looked up the other two girls. Libby Svenson looks like quite a nice girl, her site is relatively subdued compared to Glo’s. She at least doesn’t try to proclaim her wonderfulness. Lexi Bassford, I can’t find anything on her really at all, other than her book on Amazon/Barnes and Noble like the other two’s books. But she looks nice, so I’m going to declare her to be a nice person as well.

  61.  

    God, that first picutre on the cardboard looks like she’s praying to Jesus or the Gothic Movement or whatever the hell her religion is.

  62.  

    I read bits of the other two’s books on Amazon. They are at least coherent, and neither of them start with ellipses. And Svenson on her site, mentions lots of editing and rewriting, so she gets points for that, I guess.

    •  
      CommentAuthorswenson
    • CommentTimeNov 14th 2011 edited
     

    Yeah, Svenson’s site and what she said on it looked much nicer than Tesch’s. That gave her points right off the bat from me. But, you know, I’m kind of prejudiced in favor of them anyway, as I don’t want to say anything bad about their work when I’ve never even heard of it before!

    •  
      CommentAuthorInkblot
    • CommentTimeNov 14th 2011
     

    They get points both for being obviously conned into another of Gloria’s publicity schemes and for being cool nevertheless.

    •  
      CommentAuthorEbelean
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     

    Hey, they made a trailer for the Maradonia movie!

    And…it’s a guy riding on a horse. And reading a book.

    Glad to see they’re using their money well.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     

    ...They’re making a movie?

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     

    Yes, although I doubt that it’ll be finished. For sporkings sake, I want it to be, but here’s a link..
    http://maradonia-themovie.com/trailer.html

    I don’t know how actually make a link.

    •  
      CommentAuthorPuppet
    • CommentTimeNov 28th 2011
     

    I feel like people never check the FAQ. Maybe it needs a new title. :[

    Anyway, I think if there’s one thing we can count on it’s the movie being finished. From what I’ve read Gloria Tesch is rich and spoiled, if I recall correctly the parents published the books themselves. If she wants a movie she’s probably going to get it.

    •  
      CommentAuthorBlueMask
    • CommentTimeNov 29th 2011 edited
     

    I agree.
    First Ever Link

    • CommentAuthorSen
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2011 edited
     

    Full Rights Reserved! Maradonia.com.
    First time I’ve ever seen an exclamation point next to a copyright notice. So much excitement there.

    •  
      CommentAuthorFell_Blade
    • CommentTimeDec 2nd 2011
     

    You know, most trailers for movies based on books wait until near the END of the trailer to say “Based off of book by So-and-So”... Real professional there, Tesch family.