This is a monologue I’ve written for my final exams. It may or may not be performed. It’s a one-sided monologue, and it’s a little random, and I wanted to know what you guys think. So, without further ado…

Edward Cullen is the Future of Music

(knock knock)
(she opens the door)
Oh, Aiden, hi. Come in, I guess.
Oh, sit down, sure, whatever. I don’t care.
Now, I’ve brought you here to tell you two things.
(begins to pace up and down the room)
One, I’m thinking of dumping you.
(pause)
Why? Well, for one thing, you don’t seem to appreciate any form of music. You’re so uncultured.
(pause)
Yeah, nice try, Adie, but classical doesn’t count. It’s rubbish! Just a bunch of violins scraping their way through some sort of Bozart or Meethoven, or…whatever. You see, Aiden, you just don’t understand my musical sensibilities. Rap is the music of the future. All those guitars and fiddles and singing about “my baby’s left me”. It’s got soul. (beat) Johnny Cash was a rap icon, Aiden! And you don’t even care!
(pause)
No, I haven’t mixed up two different musical genres, and I can’t believe you’d even say such a thing! Edward Cullen would never have said that to Bella, Aiden, and I’m shocked that you’d say it to me. No, really, I am. Shocked. Life should be just like a vampire romance novel, and I’m very disappointed that you’re doing your best to wreck that.
...The second thing on my list? Oh. I am dumping you.
No, first I said I was thinking of it, and then I said I was really going to do it. It’s always good to give a bit of warning in advance.
(pause)
Edward wouldn’t have said that.
(pause)
Edward wouldn’t have said that either! Gah… you’re so insensitive. That’s the other reason I’m dumping you. Edward Cullen’s a lot more romantic than you are. Edward knows what true love is, and what he’s found in Bella. He values her! He doesn’t just insult her and toss her aside. That’s why I’m going to make him dump her and go out with me.
(pause)
Yes, I know he’s a fictional character! You didn’t have to bring that up. Just cause you’re real and he’s not, doesn’t mean you have to remind him like that and hurt his feelings! (picks up Twilight book and hugs it) There, now, Edward. (listens to the book) (to Aiden) Edward wants you to say sorry. (holds out the book to Aiden) Say sorry. (snatches the book away and cradles it) No, on second thoughts, don’t touch him, you’ll mess him up. You’ll mess up my precious. (does Gollum voice) My precious… (shakes head and snaps out of it) Anyway, I’ve written a song about why I’m dumping you. I hope you like it.
(sings the Edward Cullen song*, with many glances at Aiden)
You don’t like it, do you? Well, you know what, I bet Edward would like it. Edward would like anything I did, and you know why? Because he loves me for me. Plain and simple. I could be some stupid little whiny brat and he’d still fall for me because of my personality.

And there’ll probably be a line or two to finish it off.

*I can’t post the song here because I’ve lost the computer file of it. Thankfully I still have a hard copy.

Let me know what you think.

Are your final exams for drama or acting? Because done right, this could be pretty funny.

That’s pretty cool. If you end up doing this, I’d like to see it.

But suggestion: I thought that the whole Gollum imitation and talking to the book took away from the realism and subtle humor (which I liked best) with an in-your-face part that blows everything over the top. Being an LotR nerd, I love Gollum imitations as much as the next guy with hobbit ears plastered to the side of his head, but it would be kind of cool if you could find a way to preserve the humor without going with an obvious caricature. Unless, of course, that’s your intent.

I don’t know much about monologuing, but it would probably depend on how you do it. I don’t know that a rabid fan would actually compare themselves to Gollum’s addiction to the One Ring. It sounds more like Aidan would grab the book, run around stroking it, and saying ‘my precious’ in an imitation of the speaker while making ugly faces. Of course, that’s just my weird imagination talking.

This is a one-sided exchange. The girl is the one saying ‘my precious’.

How about…now?

I know it’s the girl speaking, but my point is that a Twilight fan probably wouldn’t compare themselves to something as ugly and pitiable as Gollum, even if she loves Twilight as much as Gollum loves the Ring.

I mean, imagine what you could consider a deranged fan, exaggerate it, and use it for that part.

Or, just copy this guy’s mannerisms.

Haha, I think it’s hilarious! I think I understood everything that’s going on… the Gollum bit might be pushing it just a tiny bit, but the subtle humor is indeed very good. “I could be some stupid little whiny brat and he’d still fall for me because of my personality!”

Very clever…I like the Gollum bit, actually, but you’d have to make sure the actress could do the voice properly. :)
Very nice monologue!

I am. And I can do it. My sister and I have a running joke saying ‘roast beef’ in Gollum’s voice. For some reason, it’s hysterically funny.

Is the musical part starring Johnny Cash as a rap icon too random?