In the great and ongoing anthropological exploration known as Project Rabid Twilight Teenage Girl Fans (Are They Missing Neurons, or Merely Faint From Imagined Blood Loss?), I’ve come to notice a great deficit of information. There has been a sad lack of love poems for determined anti-Twilighters to analyze, terrorize, desecrate, and discover the truth of the universe within. Or at least, there has been a lack of such poems on this site. I can’t vouch for Twilight fan sites. In fact, I imagine there are a great number of love poems on Twilight fan sites. A creepily great number. A horrible, mind-scarring, deeply traumatic deluge of Edward love poems, slowly but surely making their way to your house to haunt you in the night.

I digress. I happen to have a 15-year-old sister who is a fan of Twilight, and, inevitably, so are her friends. I say inevitably because Twilight is one of those annoying phenomenons that spreads like a virus. Apparently it’s more enjoyable to suffer from Twilight fever in groups. If one teenage girl reads the series, she’ll gasp to her friends about the amazing hotness of a particular ivory-skinned frozen-epithelialwould-be-except-he’s-vegetarian-bloodsucker, and what do you know, soon enough they’ll all be gasping and retching over how hot Mr. Undead is. It’s a self-sustaining myth. Apparently a myth that fosters late-night poetry sessions with undeniably frightening results.

So…here are two Edwardian love poems, obtained with permission from the my sister and her fellow poetess, both of whom would like you all to know that they wrote these in jest. However, I leave that judgment to you. I, for one, am slightly unconvinced that these poems are anything but serious. Hopefully you’ll find them enlightening for research reasons. Or not. I’m not sure if there’s anything here except brain trauma. I’m leaving it to everyone else to try and find something to shed light on the horrifying brain condition affecting the poor subjects of Project Rabid Twilight Teenage Girl Fans (Are They Missing Neurons, or Merely Faint From Imagined Bloodloss?). Please save my sister and her friends. Good luck, and may God, or a non-Twilight-fan, or anyone but Edward, be with you.

Edward

Who hath the voice of velvet
And lips of a queen swan
Diving under the sea to lick an oyster
Whose muscles strain under the pressure
Of clothing to restrain their beauty
And desire too strong to be concealed
And sunlight fought back from the skin of an angel
With the teeth of the devil
You have it all
With nothing but reasons to stop our love
from tearing our hearts out

eDWARd
my life
my soul
my passion
a day
a night
you here
your fright
Edward
I profess
I profound
I love your honey
I love your money
Most of all
Your baring teeth
And your seething attitude
Towards me
You protective
White one
From the depths of hell
I’m here now come give yourself to me

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  1. falconempress on 19 January 2009, 09:01 said:

    brain hemorrage

  2. Virgil on 19 January 2009, 10:29 said:

    /suicide

  3. Artimaeus on 19 January 2009, 11:58 said:

    Great gimpy orangoutangs!

  4. MegaB on 19 January 2009, 13:35 said:

    “So…here are two Edwardian love poems”

    That’s an oxymoron!

    Oh and it’s a medically recognised disease, at least according to Jon Stewart lol!

  5. Rand on 19 January 2009, 14:25 said:

    Wow. Are you sure they were in jest?

  6. Ty on 19 January 2009, 15:15 said:

    Well, I was informed that “we were just joking,” but this information is somewhat contradicted by the fact that these girls are very much in love, or in-something, with Edward. My sister’s reason for reading the series: “Yes, the writing sucks, and it’s really stupid, but he’s so HOT!”
    Yes, I live with this person. HELP.

  7. Rand on 19 January 2009, 15:24 said:

    “Yes, the writing sucks, and it’s really stupid, but he’s so HOT!”

    I’ve heard this, but it’s more like, “Yes the writing sucks and the story’s really bad and Bella’s boring and all the characters are really boring and there’s no plot and the vampires are sparkly BUT Edward’s so hot!”

    Sorry for your pain. She’ll come around someday.

  8. Spanman on 19 January 2009, 15:49 said:

    I’m eternally ashamed to admit that I used to be the sort of person who would write odes of praise like this to the people I happened to be madly in love with at the time.

    sigh

    This is pretty terrible.

  9. Addie on 19 January 2009, 17:51 said:

    Oh, my God … wow. They sound like Bella

    I’m hoping they really were in jest.

    Although, lousy/syrupy love poems are certainly nothing new to the world …

  10. Apep on 19 January 2009, 23:30 said:

    1) “slowly but surely making their way to your house to haunt you in the night”

    Thanks for imbedding that image in my head. Now I’m going to have nightmares about this.

    2) “spreads like a virus”

    What do you mean “like”? It is a virus.

  11. Lookingforme on 20 January 2009, 15:45 said:

    Hehehehe…very funny

    The poems were just as deep as a puddle (oooo! lame simile there!)

    Just like the books.

  12. SlyShy on 20 January 2009, 17:18 said:

    I like “deep as a puddle of vomit”, personally.

  13. Gia on 31 January 2009, 23:55 said:

    I hope that that oyster licking part isn’t as dirty as I think it is.
    Aww gross. Now I’m sick.

    In the second one, I take issue with “I profound” and “You protective.” Grammar fail. Profound and protective are typically adjective and they would need to be verbs for the lines to make any sense. I say typically because I check dictionary.com and there are two very short definitions with profound as a verb. Still, who uses it that way?

    Does either even have a proper meter? I counted the syllables in each line and I couldn’t find any real pattern.

  14. Cory on 1 February 2009, 00:40 said:

    I’m beginning to think all I would have to do is wear vampire teeth and role around in glitter to being irresistible to my peers. But with that thought comes the though of running head first into traffic, so I would rather not lower myself to that level. Nice article… and I’m going to try not to think about the poor oysters… crap I just did. :(

  15. trexmaster on 1 February 2009, 15:03 said:

    I’m beginning to think all I would have to do is wear vampire teeth and role around in glitter to being irresistible to my peers.

    I myself saw a shirt at Hot Topic yesterday announcing “I love boys who sparkle”. Is this just a Twilight fangirl thing, or are women turned on by skin that sparkles as if it was studded with diamonds?

  16. Cory on 1 February 2009, 15:16 said:

    Well I guess if the thought of a guy camping outside your window watching you sleep can attract women, then anythings possible.

  17. Rand on 3 February 2009, 20:20 said:

    You protective
    White one

    Best lines.

  18. Snow White Queen on 27 February 2009, 21:16 said:

    No, ‘I love your honey, I love your money’ wins for me.

    Nothing like having a man who’s a wealthy beekeeper.

  19. Steph on 16 May 2009, 01:25 said:

    Sporking time! By me and my alter-ego Cassie The Zebra (who does not exist, but I needed her because it’s more fun to spork with someone, imaginary or not. No, I’m not schizo, I’m just a freak.)

    “Who hath the voice of velvet
    And lips of a queen swan”

    S- because human vampire lips just aren’t as good as a female duck’s BEAK.

    “Diving under the sea to lick an oyster”

    S- The less said about this, the better.
    C- No, there’s gotta be a meaning behind this at least! Keep reading.

    “Whose muscles strain under the pressure
    Of clothing to restrain their beauty”

    S- Like, i so agree. That’s why he lives in a nudist colony.
    C- Also, I thought he was strong enough to do anything? Including rip his clothes off if they really are bothering him that much.

    “And desire too strong to be concealed”

    S- it better find something else to conceal it, then.
    C- Before I gag.

    “And sunlight fought back from the skin of an angel”

    S- Shoot, too late.
    C- AND I missed the bucket.

    “With the teeth of the devil
    You have it all”

    S- Including a great personality… wait, what?

    “With nothing but reasons to stop our love
    from tearing our hearts out”

    C- such as the fact that he might get overwhelmed by bloodlust and, oh, I don’t know, EAT you?
    S*- And anyway, “the heart does things for reasons that reason cannot understand”. I don’t think you love him enough if reason’s holding you back. (dodges volley of sharp objects coming from fangirls’ general direction.)
    ___

    That probably wasn’t as funny as I thought it was, but I had SO much fun writing it.

    C- Somebody tell me the significance of the oyster?

  20. Anonymous on 7 July 2009, 03:17 said:

    What does oyster have to do with Edward!? Or Bella…

    Excuse me for doing this, I just felt like doing it…

    “Edward
    Who hath the voice of velvet”

    Voice of velvet indeed!!

    “And lips of a queen swan”

    Guess you better avoid kissing, then.

    “Diving under the sea to lick the oyster”

    It’s a long way down, and why would anyone want to lick an oyster? I know it’s metorphoric (?) but couldn’t you think of something else!?

    “Whose muscles strain under the pressure
    Of clothing to restrain their beauty”

    ….. Are you suggesting that the oyster wants to be nude?

    “And desire too strong to be concealed
    And sunlight fought back from the skin of an angel”

    Nothing here to comment on.

    “With the teeth of the devil
    You have it all”

    Teeth of the devil; I like that. Have what all? Your flesh? Your blood? Or do you mean personality, looks, etc. ?

    “With nothing but reasons to stop our love
    from tearing our hearts out”

    I wonder what reasons? Maybe… because he’s a vampire, he’s created by Stephanie Meyers and you got the concept of love wrong. No offense.

    “eDWARd
    my life
    my soul
    my passion
    a day
    a night
    you here
    your fright
    Edward
    I profess
    I profound
    I love your honey
    I love your money
    Most of all
    Your baring teeth
    And your seething attitude
    Towards me
    You protective
    White one
    From the depths of hell
    I’m here now come give yourself to me”

    Okay, that part is probably not worth commenting on, except…

    “From the depths of hell
    I’m here now come give yourself to me”

    You seriously love Edward, do you? Aaaannnnddddd… he’s NOT REAL!!! Get rid of your dreams, it’s not going to come true anytime soon. Seriously, I can’t understand it.

    Okay, there, I’m satisfied. I hope I didn’t offend anyone, and if I did, I apologise for that.

  21. Fashiondiva! on 20 January 2010, 22:04 said:

    Brain defect most definite.