“You know,” Kitty said, tearing out and crumpling up her failed attempt at probing Bella’s characterization, “I’m pretty sure I didn’t make you this annoying when I first invented you.”

“And I’m ashamed to have come from your tiny mind,” said Malachi. He set aside the newspaper and went into the kitchen for some leftover takeout. When he shut the refrigerator, Kitty tugged on his sleeve.

“Will you share?”

He looked down his nose at his creator, takeout box in hand. She and her ridiculous grin stood absolutely still.

“It’s chow mein and some jiaozi.”

“Okay. Then we can work on my essay about why Edward is a good character.”

While yesterday’s leftovers revolved slowly in the microwave, Kitty chewed on the end of her pen.

“Bella wasn’t good for my essay ‘cause she was just a stand-in for every teenage girl ever.”

“No, really?”

“Edward, Edward…what’s he like on the inside?” she pondered aloud while choosing to ignore his last comment. “How does a dude like him think?”

“Don’t ask me,” said Malachi. “I’m not a hundred-year-old girly man.”

Kitty stared at him for a moment, head cocked to one side. “You have girly hair.”

“It’s not girly and you’re an idiot.”

She sat down at the kitchen table and scribbled ‘Characteristics of Edward’ on the top of her notebook. The first thing that came to mind was ‘incredible hotness’, so she wrote that down.

Five minutes later, even after having a few chopstickfuls of chow mein and a jiaozi, she hadn’t come up with anything else. The only things that came out of the ballpoint pen were doodles and the idle phrase ‘this is a tasty gaozuh jaozuh dumpling’. Malachi continued to be unhelpful by devouring most of the noodles.

“I don’t have any ideas, do you?” Kitty said.

Malachi sighed. “Listen…you’re looking for depth where there isn’t any. Edward has about as much depth as your average birdbath. Do you know exactly why Bella likes him so much?”

“He has much cute,” said Kitty matter-of-factly.


She paused. “He gives the illusion of having depth.”

“That’s, uh…”

“He’s also very protective,” she went on, grinning. “Because he cares! Lots.”

“Yeah, in a really creepy way,” said Malachi.


“Edward is creepy. You can’t deny that.”

Kitty didn’t look like she quite understood him.

“Alright, well,” he said, “how can I make this clear to you…let’s play pretend for a moment. Okay?”


“Let’s pretend that we’re at a middle-of-nowhere high school.”

“I am in high school,” said Kitty.

“Yes, I know, but I’m not. So, hypothetically of course, you’re new to the school and you don’t know me. Or anyone, for that matter. With me so far?”

Kitty nodded.

“Alright, so say on the first day you see me hanging out with my weird siblings,” he said. “And we all look alike, and there are some unsettling incestuous undertones, but you can ignore those. In fact, forget I said anything.”

“Incest, what?”

“Never mind that, for we radiate handsomeness. You and your homely friend are dazzled.”


“Dazzled! You are dazzled! Now why are you looking at us?”


“…Right. Anyway, I’m pretending I have power to read minds. And while you’re undressing me with your eyes, I try to read your mind. But I can’t read it because there is nothing in it.”


“And you’re average-looking, but you smell delicious. Please excuse the saliva.”

“That’s a little weird.”

“Yes it is. Later, I go to your house while you’re sleeping, and I climb up to your window and watch you. All night. Is that okay?”


Malachi cuffed her upside the head. “No, it’s not okay, it’s creepy. Moving right along, after I declare my undying scent-based love for you, we find ourselves in the throes of angsty teenage lust. Except I keep telling you that I’m dangerous. If I lose control I’ll probably bite you. That’s what I’m doing every day: fighting the urge to bite your delicious flesh.”

“Um, yeah.”

“And if I decided to take your ‘virtue’ right then and there I would probably smash you into tiny pieces, along with the entirety of the Volvo I’m probably doing you in. That is how good vampire sex is. But it’s dangerous, and you can’t have any.”


“Absolutely not. Also I’m extremely cold to the touch, in fact, you could say our makeout sessions feel like being poked repeatedly in the mouth and neck with an ice cube.”

“That’s not so bad.”

“Yes it is. Additionally, I have a lot of angst. I have enough angst to fill the Caspian Sea and then some. And I will keep watching you sleep until I get bored—oh, you said my name in your dream. I am turned on. So much. Especially because you smell tasty.”

“Hold on—”

“You are my special brand of heroin, and that is why I love you—”

Kitty put up her hands. “Okay, quit it, you’re weirding me out.”

“Sorry. Now who else could I have described?”


“Yes,” said Malachi. “Can his creepiness be justified? I think not.”

She stared at her notebook, thinking.

“But Edward is cute,” Kitty said, looking up, “so it’s okay.”

Tagged as: ,


  1. SlyShy on 21 December 2008, 02:17 said:

    Oh, snap, that picture really did it for me. Heheh.

  2. Snow White Queen on 21 December 2008, 02:42 said:

    Oh, god, Kitty, you are a genius!

  3. Addie on 21 December 2008, 02:46 said:

    Seconded, SWQ. Kitty, it’s completely hilarious. Can you mock a book, or what?

  4. Mr. Wednesday on 21 December 2008, 03:17 said:

    Thirded, that pretty much describes what Edward’s like. And yeah, the picture’s funny.

  5. Gildor on 21 December 2008, 06:12 said:


    Loved it!

  6. Apep on 21 December 2008, 10:53 said:

    Fifthed(?)(this is getting out of hand)

    Esp. the cuffed upside the head bit.

  7. Virgil on 21 December 2008, 11:11 said:

    The picture was great.

  8. Mlarg on 21 December 2008, 12:47 said:

    ): You broke the chain Virgil!

    Great article(/picture) by the way Kitty.

  9. Rand on 21 December 2008, 15:07 said:

    That was hilarious.
    I loved the bit about Giving the Illusion of Depth.

  10. Spanman on 21 December 2008, 17:34 said:

    You win, Kitty.

  11. Lucywannabe on 21 December 2008, 19:31 said:

    That is beautiful, Kitty. applauds

  12. Zahano on 22 December 2008, 15:36 said:

    You have done an excellent job.

  13. Another Wanderer and Fan on 23 December 2008, 21:41 said:

    I second Zahano’s notion.

  14. trexmaster on 23 December 2008, 21:52 said:

    Excellent dissection. I am at a loos as to what the fangirls see in him; he would actually be rather boring were it not for the vampire gimmick. I guess some people are just easily impressed.

  15. Snow White Queen on 23 December 2008, 23:00 said:

    Trexmaster, the only reason Edward gets any attention is that he’s ‘smolderingly’ smexy, and he sounds like the Prince Charming that every girl wants.

    Well, not me, of course. Like you mentioned with Edward, I always found the Princes in Cinderella and Snow White boring as hell.

  16. Kitty on 24 December 2008, 02:31 said:

    I liked the ones in Beauty and the Beast, Little Mermaid, and Sleeping Beauty. Cause they actually did stuff and were generally awesome.


  17. Snow White Queen on 24 December 2008, 16:24 said:

    I like the Beast and Eric too…those were my two favorite movies as a kid.

    Sleeping Beauty Prince is ok (wasn’t his name Philip or something?), but I have a special place in my heart for Aladdin too, even though he’s not a real ‘prince’.

  18. Hikaru on 31 January 2009, 22:09 said:

    Ha! “…you’re looking for depth where there isn’t any…” That’s a good one, I think everything has been said. For someone who has lived as much as he has, he’s a completely waste of time; I mean, if being immortal makes you an Edward… thanks God I’m just a human being. Charming Prince? In a creepy way perhaps…

  19. Cory on 31 January 2009, 23:02 said:

    How did a desperate, overprotective, FLESH EATING, stalking, eternal, glittery man ever become an idol for teen girls… and even a few guys at my school? As a society I think we are to blame for not instructing people properly in what makes a good character (or boyfriend {no wonder people fall in love with the crazy clingy guy/girl}). Kitty… I thank you for doing your part to educate the masses.

    P.S. It was truly hilarious, and I liked your piece on bella as well.

  20. Steph on 16 May 2009, 01:31 said:

    Lol, I never got how people fall in love lust with Edward when he’s a character in a book and therefore you can’t see him!

  21. Un-Dante'd on 8 October 2009, 12:17 said:


  22. fffan on 8 February 2010, 02:12 said:

    Ha! Nice work, kitty

  23. Arya on 25 February 2010, 22:49 said:

    Oh hey, I sixth the notion up at the top!