“Let’s play a game,” said Kitty to one of her made-up people named Malachi, who looked simply thrilled to have his newspaper-reading interrupted. “I’m going to list all of the distinct characteristics Bella has. That way I can hopefully prove with facts that she is a good character.”

“Good luck finding anything,” said Malachi, “and I mean that with utmost sincerity.”

“Nonsense! It’ll be easy once I get started.”

Kitty opened her notebook to a mostly-blank page and stared it down, ballpoint pen in hand. No idea was coming to her instantly, but she figured giving it time would give her loads of ideas.

Just then, there was a breeze through the open window, and some of Kitty’s hair brushed against the paper. She stared at it for a few moments, then realized something.

“Aha!” she said. “Bella has brown hair.”

“That doesn’t count,” Malachi said, looking over the top of the comics section. “Personality traits, not physical ones.”

“Maybe she’s mousy because she has brown hair,” said Kitty. “Right? Blondes are dumb, brunettes are shy, redheads have a temper…”

“How many people do you know whose hair color fits their personality?”

Kitty thought for a minute. “She could be a natural blonde, and that would explain things—”

Malachi took a moment to facepalm, and seeing that she was not quite ‘getting it’, spoke again. “Use your brain for a second,” he said. “Do I have a temper?”

“Not really…but your brother does, and he’s got red hair too,” said Kitty.

“Never mind. Just get on with your list.”

Kitty nodded and stared down at her notebook again. After scratching out the note about brown hair, she doodled mindlessly in the margin—was Bella really that dull? She thought about it, putting all twelve of her brain cells to work, and then a light went on in her head.

“She likes Muse!”

“So does everyone in the Twilight universe,” Malachi said. He went back to the newspaper. “Hehe…Garfield really enjoys that lasagna, doesn’t he?”

She scowled at the notebook, crossing out the Muse note. This was supposed to be an article for ImpishIdea, detailing how Bella could be a decent character. She had all day to write it…it was Saturday, after all…there was no real hurry. Except by now she usually had an idea of some sort.

“She, umm…complains about stuff a lot, like when she moves to Washington.”

“Good. Now you’re getting somewhere.”

Kitty wrote it down.

“There’s only one thing on this list,” she said. “Why can’t I come up with anything else? It’s a little hard to believe any character could possibly be that…indistinct. It’s like she has no personality beyond Edward.”

Malachi narrowed his eyes over the comics section for the thousandth time.

“You know what? Why don’t you just write down whatever comes into your head?”

“Okay, that’ll be easier…thanks!”

Tagged as: ,


  1. Snow White Queen on 13 December 2008, 15:11 said:

    Haha, I love it!

    Nice job Kitty…and Malachi. :D

  2. Virgil on 13 December 2008, 15:18 said:

    Hahaha, hilarious. Possibly the best character evaluation of Bella so far.

  3. SlyShy on 14 December 2008, 05:33 said:

    Sadly, this was probably the best defense of Bella I’ve seen so far. And you aren’t even arguing for her. Probably because you aren’t dumb like some people. Compare to:

    OMG! how cud u even say dat? bella is a great charater and u should shut up!

  4. Snow White Queen on 14 December 2008, 15:18 said:

    Is that an actual quote, Sly?

  5. Kitty on 14 December 2008, 15:36 said:

    I should hope not. I would be embarrassed for my entire gender.

  6. GC on 15 December 2008, 01:15 said:

    That’s okay, Metallica’s already embarassed me for my entire gender.

  7. LucyWannabe on 15 December 2008, 10:49 said:

    Bahahaha…I love this. It perfectly illustrates why I get annoyed when people call Bella a good character. She’s not a good character. Heck, she’s not even a bad character because she’s basically a nothing until Super Speshul Sparkle Vampire shows up. Then, she does stuff. But still turns out to be dull and…nothing.

  8. Vikky on 16 December 2008, 16:38 said:

    Ha-ha! Super. “She likes Muse!”

  9. Rand on 16 December 2008, 18:48 said:

    That’s so cute! Loved it.

  10. weasel8 on 18 December 2008, 01:30 said:


    Kitty, you are amazing.

    This is brilliant! I love it!

    Extra credit it for the quadratic equation bit. But you didn’t finish…

  11. Kitty on 18 December 2008, 17:32 said:

    The square root of 72 is a decimal. Decimals scare me!

  12. SlyShy on 18 December 2008, 18:11 said:

    Mm, yes, but sqrt(72) = 6 sqrt(2), which is a nice and comfortable number. :P

  13. Kitty on 18 December 2008, 18:17 said:

    Not for me. Radicals also make me uneasy. Why do you think I failed Algebra 1 four times? :P

  14. That Wanderer and Fan on 23 December 2008, 21:44 said:

    You are awesome. :D

    By the by, Malachi sounds like a well developed
    character. By that, I also hint that I think he’s cool. XD

  15. Kitty on 30 December 2008, 09:27 said:

    Thank you Commenter #14, I had to have one of them be a douche for a moment and he fit the bill :x

  16. Hikaru on 31 January 2009, 21:52 said:

    Awesome! Totally agree. I just don’t get why people I don’t wanna say girls love this couple… she pissed me off, you know…

  17. Amelie on 8 February 2009, 23:33 said:

    I can’t even find suitable words to say how much I love this. And the picture just made it all the more awesome…

  18. Windy on 9 September 2009, 20:28 said:

    Where did that unicorn and that quadratic equation come from? XD They made much better romance protagonists than Bella and Edward, you know! Imagine the sexual tension and the emotional conflict between the unicorn and the equation…and the jealousy of the bunny right there, and the perverted vengence of the jellyfish! Great story!

    By the way, Malachi sounds like a cool guy. looks around What? January??!! Is anyone even going to read this comment?

  19. Un-Dante'd on 8 October 2009, 12:22 said:

    I read it, Windy.
    Kitty = genius.

  20. Musiclover6676867 on 18 January 2010, 16:10 said:

    Well………………………… BRILLIANT! Absolutely BRILLIANT!