Emoticons stolen with apologies to SomethingAwful. I am not direct linking I promise.

I awaken in a clean, white room. It can’t be my room—it’s not grey and dishevelled enough. This place is white enough to have had every inch scrubbed with bleach and a Brillo pad.

This also is not my bed. It’s comfortable, so it can’t be my bed.

I rub my eyes and sit up. The corner of the room contains a bathroom cubicle and a shower stall. Reaching over my shoulder to feel my hair, I notice it’s slightly damp and smells of generic hotel shampoo—not mine. The rest of me is clothed in white scrubs, which are also not mine.

“Welcome to the Reading Test,” says a synthesized voice from above me. I jump at the sound, but resist the urge to hide under my cot.

“Who are you?”

“Your test begins now,” the voice says, ignoring me. “Please proceed to the library.”

A door opposite me slides open. I didn’t notice it before, but the door blends in perfectly with the surrounding walls.

Well, I don’t have anything to lose. I get out of bed and cross into the library.

It isn’t so much a ‘library’ as it is a ‘room with only one book in it.’ The place has unfriendly, harsh fluorescent lighting, just like the previous room, although this one is much smaller. The blue book sits on a metal table in the center. I don’t want to think so, but the dragon on the cover is…staring at me. It’s not an evil stare. It’s the kind that makes you want to black out the eyes with pen so it’ll stop looking at you.

“This is your assigned story, Eragon, by Christopher Paolini. Please read the prologue. When you are finished, mark your place with the provided bookmark and exit the library.”

I look about for a camera or something I can address, but seeing none, I nod to myself and sit down at the table.

Flipping open the book, I examine a map on the inside cover. Hmm…I could be wrong, but deserts don’t really just appear like that in the middle of a field, do they? I don’t remember where I read that. Come to think of it, I don’t really remember anything specific before waking up here. But, hmm, the names of some of these towns are so familiar. ‘Isenstar’, what is that, a lake? That name sounds vaguely similar to something I may have heard before.

Deciding to look at the map in depth later, I begin to read the prologue.

— — —

Prologue: Shade of Fear

: “Generic minions, your attention please! Tonight is the night we are going to assault an elf for a plot device she’s carrying with her. If you mess this up, I will be the angriest Shade you’ve ever seen. Ever.”
: “okay boss we’ll do our best”
: “That’s what I like to hear!”

Meanwhile, several miles away…

: “Bodyguards, please don’t let me be molested by anybody on this journey we could easily bypass through some convenient magic.”
: “sure thing princess arya”
: “You guys are so good at bodyguarding. <3"

: “Oh come on now, are they really riding white horses? I can see them from all the way over here.”
: “uh oh they’re riding this way”
: “Shh, don’t make any sudden movements! They might see us…”

: “Do you smell something? It smells like fetid meat.”
: “horse”
: “Oh, alright.”

: “One of you didn’t shower this morning. And when I find out who, heads will roll.”

: “I hope we’re not attacked by a plot point while we’re here. But at least those aren’t too dangerous.”
: “Uh-oh!”
: [killed]
: [attempts to flee]
: “Not so fast, my pretty!”
: “Sucker!” [magics the egg away]
: “Augh! Why didn’t you just do that before and save me the trouble of coming out here?! FRUSTRATION! GARJFZLA!”
: [killed]
: [passed out]
: “Hot damn! Well, it looks like my journey wasn’t in vain…” [takes Arya] “Bwa-ha-ha! Galby will be pleased! And then maybe I won’t be a virgin anymore.”

— — —

I mark the end of the prologue and leave the library.

“Thank you,” says the voice. “Tomorrow you will return to read chapter 1.”

Tagged as:


  1. SubStandardDeviation on 10 January 2009, 06:21 said:

    This was a triumph!
    I’m making a note here: HUGE SUCCESS

    Trojan and lipstick elf emoticons FTW. I take it there’ll be more? And I love the line about the non-showering orc; basic hygiene, Minions!

  2. DrAlligator on 10 January 2009, 08:23 said:

    That was just amazing. And I love the Portal-esque backdrop. :D The ending was just perfect. Good job, good job.

  3. SlyShy on 10 January 2009, 10:15 said:

    I… I don’t know how you could win any harder. Thank you.

  4. bobtheenchantedone on 10 January 2009, 11:51 said:


  5. MegaB on 10 January 2009, 16:22 said:



    Just…..just sit down and….

    punch out some more of wherever the hell this came from!

  6. Kevin on 10 January 2009, 18:20 said:

    Kitty, will you marry me?

  7. Kitty on 10 January 2009, 20:28 said:

    Only if you can cook. ;P

  8. Lewer95 on 23 January 2009, 07:47 said:

    epic win