Changed it, with some help. Still not perfect, but I do not aspire Tolkien Levels.
Hope you like it.
Chapter Five: Yellardaï
Glo’Dramoth stood in the darkness of the pines. The festive crowd swiveled before his eyes. Glo’Dramoth did not participate, even though he was invited many times. He was not into these festivals. Thinking of this glorious evening, Glo’Dramoth smiled. He remembered Drea’s astonishment when her name was called. He never felt more pride for anyone. Drea deserved it. She had no idea what promise she showed. The fact that she had disarmed Glo’Dramoth as she had only showed her rise of skill and power. She also got more adept at using her magic. Soon she would be one of the most powerful weavers in the history. Glo’Dramoth’s powers paled in comparison to the bright rays of Drea’s power.
Engrossed in his own thought, Glo’Dramoth did not notice that he could see his own breath. But then, when leaves started to freeze solid around him, Glo’Dramoth started. He turned around, and drew his sword. The constant flickering of the lamps and fires at the lake made it difficult to see what was real, and what was just a trick of his eyes. As far as Glo’Dramoth could see, no one was there. But he had since long trusted on other things than his eyes. He tried to hear footsteps, breathing, plants being pushed away by feet. What he heard was the sound of a weapon that rushed through the air. He lifted his blade and parried a heavy blow. He grabbed the wrist that held the weapon and broke it. A piercing scream tore at his ears. He stabbed at where he thought the chest of the person was. The same scream repeated itself. The man or women sagged to the ground, only to crumble into dust. A stream of smoke formed above the place where the body had disappeared. It turned red and formed an orb. Then in a flash, it disappeared. The brief flash of light illuminated the same demon spirit-possessed creatures that had assaulted the borders standing before him. Humans with dark holes instead of eyes and releasing smoke from their ears. No less than a hundred. Three rushed at him, while the others marched towards the Elves at the lake side with drawn weapons.
Glo’Dramoth took his fighting stance, ready to ward off these creatures. Then someone sped past him, slim sword in hand and raven-black hair trailing after her. He could not see who it was, but it took down the three ghost warriors in front of him, jumped towards the mass that strode past them and killed two more before they had the time to react. Glo’Dramoth thanked the stars and heavens for this help, and stormed into the fight. At once, four more jumped to him, but skilled warrior as he was, and an elf whose blood runs hot and thick with magic, he ducked under the blow directed at him and stabbed the creature in its belly. He pulled free the blade and hacked the leg of a second, who fell to the ground, releasing smoke instead of blood from the wound.
He soon realized although the creatures were possessed by these demon spirits, they were nothing of superior to an elf. He parried a sword and slashed open the chest of a third. The creature writhed in pain, and crumbled into dust. The forth got decapitated by a blow to the neck.
After catching his breath for a moment, he saw the flashing of another blade. He already lifted his sword to parry, when he noticed that it was the elf who had joined him in battle. She danced past blades and attacked with a fierce aggression The way She parried and attacked was familiar to him. Then Glo’Dramoth was hit on the head. he stumbled and fell to the ground. A creature lifted its sword overhead to finish him, already screaming its victorious yell. Glo’Dramoth wildly stabbed his sword at the creature. He caught it in its opened mouth, and drove his blade through the back of its skull. The screaming started to sound chocked, and the creature dropped its weapon. The creature grabbed the sharp blade, cutting its fingers on the edges. After moments it went limp. Then it turned into dust.
Glo’Dramoth brushed the dust out of his eyes and got up again. He saw that the marching creatures had stopped and the forward line was backing away. He tried to see past the mass of creatures, emitting smoke from eyes, mouths and ears. The Elves who had been eating, drinking, dancing and laughing moments ago now stood facing the daemon-controlled force. All of them had unsheathed weapons in their hands. An elf with a heavy steel-and-gold armor gave the signal of attack. The Elves all ran forward, shouting fierce battle-cries. The creatures cowered before the mass of elves.
Several spells were released before the elven host hit the possessed creatures, setting the front line ablaze. Glo’Dramoth saw the dragonlord fly overhead, holding one of the creatures between its teeth. Then the elves reached their opponents. They cut through the creatures with ease and the creatures turned to flee. None were spared.
At first the elves thought it were nothing more than humans, but soon the first cries of surprise were heard when several corpses crumbled, but it did not quench the fire of determination from the elves. Their holy city was under attack, and nothing could stop them from destroying the enemy.
Glo’Dramoth ran up to the fleeing creatures, stabbing one through the chest and kicking another on its kneecap, breaking it. He looked around for more adversaries, and he saw one fleeing. Determined to let none escape, he ran after it and stabbed his sword in the creatures, pinning it to a tree. It screamed, but did not vanish. Glo’Dramoth’s fingers slipped from the sword when he tried to pull it out of the creature and the tree, so he drew his knife from his belt. He saw that the battle was decided.
Glo’Dramoth sheathed his knife and slumped to the ground. Breathing heavily, he looked around to reflect on the battle. He saw a few bodies of the ghost warriors, still moving, but no evidence of the creatures was left otherwise. No elves laid dead on the forest floor. That was good. A tall elf moved over to him. Pulling his sword out of the tree. The creature already had fallen apart “That was the first time that I saw you fight outside of the training grounds. Your stories where no lies.”
Had to fix a few errors in spelling, but only what Mozilla picked up, so be sure to run over it again.
— Virgil · Nov 30, 02:45 PM · #
I thouht I had filtered out those…
Thanks anyway!
— Gildor · Nov 30, 02:51 PM · #
I see this is a the second time you have posted this piece. I haven’t read the first post, as I wanted to sit down to read this with “fresh eyes” without considering what other people have already said. If I repeat previous comments, I apologise.
(Please note, my intention is not to be harsh; although this post may seem that way. I am trying to provide as much constructive criticism as possible to be as helpful as I can.)
Okay, here goes…
“The festive crowd swiveled before his eyes.”
What do you mean by this? Swiveled is an odd word and I can’t envision what the crowd is actually doing. Are the people dancing?
“Glo’Dramoth did not participate, even though he was invited many times.”
Again, what do you mean? What didn’t he participate in? What are the crowd doing?
You have a tendency to “overegg the pudding”. For example, this line:
“Glo’Dramoth’s powers paled in comparison to the bright rays of Drea’s power.”
This is too much. What are her “bright rays” of power? Something simpler would do just as well, and would stop your story sounding forced. For example: “Glo’Dramoth’s powers paled in comparison.”
Next up, there is a jarring POV shift. So far, I have been in GD’s head (sorry, I can’t keep typing that name out), but suddenly I am outside his head, seeing things that he is not even paying attention to:
“Engrossed in his own thought, Glo’Dramoth did not notice that he could see his own breath.”
Also, at this point it is worth noting that to begin with, you only have one character in your story (GD). Once you have established his name, you don’t need to keep referring to him by his full name. You only need to keep calling him GD when there are other people around, and it may become confusing who you are referring to.
I’m afraid some of your sentence construction is a little awkward:
“He tried to hear footsteps, breathing, plants being pushed away by feet.”
Plants being pushed away by feet conjures up a very peculiar mental image. Besides, you have already said he is listening for footsteps. Also, you shouldn’t tell us what he “tried” to do. Yoda’s advice springs to mind: “Do, or do not. There is no try.” You can play loose with this rule, but generally, tell us what a character IS doing, not what he is attempting to do. In this case, GD is listening for sounds. He is not trying to hear sounds.
Watch out for things like this:
“The same scream repeated itself.”
Surely it’s a different scream? Unless it’s some kind of echo?
And this:
“The man or women sagged to the ground, only to crumble into dust. A stream of smoke formed above the place where the body had disappeared.”
The attacker is invisible (GD can’t even tell if he is being attacked by a man or woman) and yet he can see the attacker crumble to dust? And then you say the body disappeared. As far as I am concerned the body had never appeared in the first place.
Once the fighting starts, be careful with how you construct your sentences to avoid confusion over what you mean. In this next line, there is a suggestion that there are borders standing before him:
“The brief flash of light illuminated the same demon spirit-possessed creatures that had assaulted the borders standing before him.”
Cliche warning:
“raven-black hair”
This next sentence needs totally reworking:
“He could not see who it was, but it took down the three ghost warriors in front of him, jumped towards the mass that strode past them and killed two more before they had the time to react.”
Is this a “who” or an “it”? Who are the “them” that are being strode past? Who didn’t have time to react?
There is also more confusion here:
“Glo’Dramoth thanked the stars and heavens for this help, and stormed into the fight. At once, four more jumped to him, but skilled warrior as he was, and an elf whose blood runs hot and thick with magic, he ducked under the blow directed at him and stabbed the creature in its belly.”
“four more” what? I assume you mean the enemy soldiers, but you need to be clear in what you mean. Furthermore there is a tense shift here (“runs”). I am now very confused about the enemy soldiers… Are they invisible? GD doesn’t seem to have trouble seeing them any more.
“He parried a sword and slashed open the chest of a third.”
Where are the first and the second? It feels like you edited out some information here and left just enough to confuse the reader.
There is also some redundancy in your language. Here are a few examples:
“She danced past blades and attacked with a fierce aggression”
If you are attacking someone, it is implied you are being aggressive; and as this is a swordfight, I wouldn’t expect her to be placid, so fierce is also redundant.
“screaming its victorious yell”
You don’t need to say it screamed a yell. Screaming or yelling will suffice.
Be careful with how you visualise combat. I have no idea how this is possible for someone lying on the ground unless his enemy is leaning right over him:
“He caught it in its opened mouth, and drove his blade through the back of its skull.”
I’ve already gone on much longer than I intended to, so I will try and wrap up quickly. More confused sentence structure here:
“The creature grabbed the sharp blade, cutting its fingers on the edges. After moments it went limp. Then it turned into dust.”
Of course, you don’t mean the sword went limp.
“Glo’Dramoth brushed the dust out of his eyes and got up again.”
Had he been on the floor multiple times?
“daemon-controlled”
Before they were demons, now they are daemons.
“The Elves who had been eating, drinking, dancing and laughing moments ago now stood facing the daemon-controlled force. All of them had unsheathed weapons in their hands.”
I assume you mean the elves had weapons, rather than the daemons, but the structure of the sentences doesn’t make it clear. Also, why were the drinking, dancing elves all armed?
“At first the elves thought it were nothing more than humans,”
Besides this sentence being badly written, I find it hard to believe that invisible(?) smoke-billowing, black-eyed monsters were being mistaken for humans.
Be careful with “it”. “It” refers to the last thing you were talking about. In the following example, that’s the tree:
“Determined to let none escape, he ran after it and stabbed his sword in the creatures, pinning it to a tree. It screamed, but did not vanish.”
Of course, the tree didn’t scream. Also, why doesn’t this creature crumble? It implies GD may have stabbed a good guy. But then in the next paragraph, the creature has vanished anyway.
Finally (phew), Captain Obvious makes an appearance:
“No elves laid dead on the forest floor. That was good.”
Overall, I’m afraid I’m not seeing anything particularly original here. Elves that are quick and fight with slim blades, and dragonlords. Obviously, it’s hard to tell from such a small extract, but make sure you don’t end up writing Tolkien-Lite.
Anyway, this post is WAAAAAAYYYY too long, but hopeful there is something in here you find helpful.
— Carbon Copy · Nov 30, 05:18 PM · #
CC makes very good points, of course, but I’d just like to say that you really improved what you had written. The action is more immediate and it flows much better; the writing is more involving. Good job, and keep going! :D
— Saeyre · Nov 30, 05:40 PM · #
This is light years ahead of your last effort; your ability has grown substantially since you first wrote it.
One suggestion: I might lengthen the sentences in the first paragraph to slow down the pace a bit, to distinguish its feel and set it more in contrast with the battle to come.
— Kevin · Nov 30, 07:15 PM · #
I feel the need to defend myself. Some of the statements will make more sense when I’ve put some background on it.
“The man or women sagged to the ground, only to crumble into dust. A stream of smoke formed above the place where the body had disappeared.”
The attacker is invisible (GD can’t even tell if he is being attacked by a man or woman) and yet he can see the attacker crumble to dust? And then you say the body disappeared. As far as I am concerned the body had never appeared in the first place.”
Well, first he had been looking at a well-lighted lakeside, then he turned and saw nothing but darkness. His eyes needed time to adjust, so he couldn’t cleaerly see who he was attacking, man or women. And even when seeing unclear, the dissapearing of a body is something you would notice, no?
“…In this next line, there is a suggestion that there are borders standing before him:
“The brief flash of light illuminated the same demon spirit-possessed creatures that had assaulted the borders standing before him.”
Well, this is in need of some backstory. In the first chapter, the main protagonist hears stories of the outer borders of the island (That is were they live) are being attacked by these creatures. GD was at the borderd, defending them and saw these creatures. Now they are in the heard of their ciry, and the same creatures stand before him.
“four more” what? I assume you mean the enemy soldiers, but you need to be clear in what you mean. Furthermore there is a tense shift here (“runs”). I am now very confused about the enemy soldiers… Are they invisible? GD doesn’t seem to have trouble seeing them any more.”
You assumed correctly, and yeah, ran would be more appropriate here. But no, the Soldiers who appear to be mages further down the chapter, are not invisible. A small group seperates from the main host when they see that their initial attackers haven’t done the job properly. (AI, died)
Where are the first and the second? It feels like you edited out some information here and left just enough to confuse the reader.
I shall recite:
First:
“…he ducked under the blow directed at him and stabbed the creature in its belly.”
Second:
“He pulled free the blade and hacked the leg of a second, who fell to the ground, releasing smoke instead of blood from the wound.”
Third:
“He parried a sword and slashed open the chest of a third. The creature writhed in pain, and crumbled into dust.”
Fourth:
“The forth got decapitated by a blow to the neck”
Obvious, no?
“She danced past blades and attacked with a fierce aggression”
If you are attacking someone, it is implied you are being aggressive; and as this is a swordfight, I wouldn’t expect her to be placid, so fierce is also redundant.”
Well, I didn’t mean normal aggressive, I meant going beserk, no reguard of her own safety, only in killing yet another enemy.
“daemon-controlled”
Before they were demons, now they are daemons”
Typo-error, I shall restore it when i’m out of school.
“Be careful with how you visualise combat. I have no idea how this is possible for someone lying on the ground unless his enemy is leaning right over him:
“He caught it in its opened mouth, and drove his blade through the back of its skull.”
Two chapters back, it is described that GD fights with two weapons, one is a short blade, the other a claymore. A five foot beast could archive that, no?
I’m wrapping this up, people are waiting for me. I’m going to finish this in a few hourd.
Ciao!
— Gildor · Dec 1, 02:36 AM · #
Gildor – you don’t have to “defend” yourself because I’m not attacking you. These comments are supposed to be constructive. If I have highlighted something that’s confusing, then it’s confusing.
For example – you never specified GD’s eyes needed time to adjust to the darkness. Now you have described what you meant, it makes a little more sense. You should have put this in the story to begin with.
The first, second, third, fourth thing makes sense when you isolate the four deaths from the text, but that’s not how they appear in the story. When you are reading lots of text between each death, then the writing is no longer clear. Why call the enemy the “third” or “fourth”? Call the enemy what it is. Besides, this comment was more related to sentence structure. For example:
“He parried a sword and slashed open the chest of a third. The creature writhed in pain, and crumbled into dust.”
This sentence reads that he opened the chest of a third sword.
And the claymore attack – (1) I’m not sure it would work anyway, unless the attacker was leaning right over (which you didn’t specify), and (2) at no point in this extract do you say he is fighting with a claymore. If he kills someone with a claymore, tell the reader!
You’ve got two choices with my advice. Listen to it, or don’t. You have to be happy with what you are writing. Just know that if one reader is confused, you can guarantee there will be more.
Good luck.
— Carbon Copy · Dec 1, 03:10 AM · #
Well, I certainly appreciate the time you’ve spent on helping me better this. I shall listen to your advice, knowing that a reader sees it a different way than a writer.
Again, thank you.
— Gildor · Dec 1, 06:47 AM · #