Please be honest.
I’m not expecting this to get good comments, I don’t really like this piece. But it’s the one that fits in the grand plot of things. I, again, wrote this a year-or-something ago. So please help me to improve this piece. For example, I would like to take the magic out of this piece, as that will be a big deal in the story, but how else would I draw the attention of the crowd a good twenty meters away?
This is a piece of a chapter, so some parts may be a little vague.
- –
Glo’Dramoth stood in the darkness of the pines. The festive crowd swiveled before his eyes. Glo’Dramoth did not participate, even though it was offered to him, multiple times. He was not into these festivals. Thinking of this glorious evening, Glo’Dramoth smiled. He remembered Drea’s astonishment when her name was called. He never felt more pride for anyone. Drea deserved it. She had no idea what promise she showed. The fact that she had disarmed Glo’Dramoth in such a fashion as she did, only showed her rise of skill and power. And her magic also got stronger. Soon she would be one of the most powerful weavers in the history. Glo’Dramoth’s powers paled to the bright rays of Drea’s power. Engrossed in his own thought, Glo’Dramoth did not notice the change in temperature. But then, when leaves started to freeze solid around him, Glo’Dramoth started. He turned around, and drew his sword. The constant flickering of the lamps and fires at the lake made it difficult to see what was real, and what was just a trick of his eyes. As far as Glo’Dramoth could see, no one was there. But he had since long trusted on other things than his eyes. He closed them, and listened to the rhythm of the forest around him, felt the flow of the wind. Then he felt and heard a presence. He turned a quarter of a circle, and lowered his sword, just as he blocked a strike which could have killed him. Trusting his instincts, he stepped forward, because there had to be a second swordsman. He was right, something sheared passed him, mere millimeters from his head. Trusting that his eyes open would help him more than they would closed, he opened them, and fear engulfed him. The same demon spirit-possessed creatures that had assaulted the borders stood before him, no less than a hundred. Three circled him, while the others hid in shadows and behind flora. Then something sped past him. Glo’Dramoth could not see what is was, but it took down the three ghost warriors around him and killed five more before they had the chance to react. Glo’Dramoth thanked the stars and heavens for this help, and stormed into the fight. At once, four more jumped to him, but skilled warrior as he was, and an elf whose blood runs hot and thick with magic, Glo’Dramoth quickly mowed them down with four low strikes of his sword. He soon realized although the creatures were possessed by these demon spirits, they were nothing of superior to an elf. Glo’Dramoth fought like a madman, reacting and counter-reacting every blow. He ducked, slashed open a chest, and smoke was released from the wound instead of blood. The creature writhed in pain, and flashed. After the glare vanished, nothing was left of the creature. The elf which helped him, also defeated many opponents. He or she cut down the ghost warriors like a scythe cut down grass. Then Glo’Dramoth got hit by something from behind against his head, he stumbled and fell to the ground. Realizing that speed or luck weren’t enough to win this fight, he called upon his magic. He acted on instinct and threw a surge of energy at his enemy. A spear of fire erupted from his palm, impaling three of the ghost warriors. This was particularly visual, and notified the still obvious crowd at the lake. The distant sound of cries, loud voices, multiple swords being drawn and footsteps quickly making their way towards Glo’Dramoth drifted over. Glo’Dramoth got up, and began the killing once more. It was not long before a group of elves attacked the ghost warriors. At first the elves thought it were nothing more than humans, but soon the first cries of surprise were heard, but it did not quench the fire of determination from the elves. Their holy city was under attack, and nothing could stop them from destroying the enemy. The battle continued for a small span of time. But still, Glo’Dramoth felt tired. His sword was like lead in his hands, and sweat poured over his face. At long last, He stabbed his sword in one of the creatures, pinning it to a tree. It screamed, but did not vanish. Glo’Dramoth’s fingers slipped from the sword when he tried to pull it out of the creature and the tree, so he drew his knife from his belt. Looking around for more opponents, he found none. Glo’Dramoth sheathed his knife and slumped to the ground. Breathing heavily, he looked around to reflect the battle. He saw a few bodies of the ghost warriors here and there, but most of them had gone up in smoke –literary- and vanished. No elves laid dead on the forest floor. That was good. A long elf moved over to him. Pulling his sword out of the now dead creature hanging limply from the tree. “That was the first time that I saw you fight outside of the training grounds. Your stories were no lies.”
I went through this to edit, and I didn’t want to make breaks where there shouldn’t have been, but you’ll need to split everything up into manageable paragraphs, or you’ll lose readers quickly.
— Virgil · Nov 29, 02:30 PM · #
Damn, forgot that one again.
I will do it first thing in the morning.
— Gildor · Nov 29, 02:45 PM · #
You do have, as you say, a lot of problems here. I’m going to try to do a pretty comprehensive review…yes, although I’m sure CC would be able to do that far better. :P So before I start scratching things out, I’d like to say that I can definitely see why you want to keep this. It has a lot of promise, and I can feel that you’ve got a cool scene and a good character in mind, you just have trouble with the technique of expressing it. And how does one get technical experience? Through reading and writing more, woohoo! ___;;
Anyway, to begin with some more general stuff. You already know that you need to break it down in paragraphs, but I’d like to point out that this is particularly important when writing an action scene. You should use a paragraph break to introduce a jarring or sudden point in the fighting, and generally use quite short paragraphs. Also, I think you use his name too much; much of the time we’ll be able to figure out that Glo’Dramoth is being referred to, as he’s the central character in this passage. It doesn’t help that his name is so unusual… I keep on thinking DayGlo when I see it. What about just Dramoth? Apostrophes should almost always be avoided.
On to specifics.
Swivel tends to imply rotating on a hinge or axis, and I don’t thing that’s what you’re going for. Swirled, perhaps?
Even though what was offered? “even though he had been invited many times” might work better.
I’m going to assume the context for this comes earlier in the story… “in such a fashion as she did”? How about simply, “as she had”?
Should probably be “had also grown” or something.
“paled against” or “paled in comparison to”
You tend to use slightly more technical terms that don’t necessarily work well in a fantasy story. Instead of “change in temperature”, how about a cold wind or a chill in the air?
You have him close his eyes, fight for a bit, then open them again—seems kind of pointless. If you want to show that Glo’Dramoth is a great fighter, don’t do it with something that seems like a gimmick.
How did they sneak up on everybody? It sounds as though Glo’Dramoth is standing near a lake, with a party in the forest behind him. These ghosts would have to sneak past the party somehow then, wouldn’t they? Also, why would only three attack him instead of going all-out and actually trying to kill him?
Unless this guy is constantly zipping around like a hummingbird, you’d think Glo’Dramoth would get some sort of impression about him, the color of his clothing or hair or the flash of his sword, perhaps. He’s got his eyes open now, after all. :P
Instead of explaining that he’s a skilled warrior, and then giving a generic phrase about how he kills these guys, you should show that he’s a skilled warrior, by describing his kickass swordplay in a little more detail.
Again, just too generic. He’s two sentences into the battle, you shouldn’t be shifting into “and he kept on fighting and fighting” mode quite yet. Describe his first couple of encounters in more detail, have a little fun with it.
Eh? Why didn’t any of the other ghosts self-combust yet? Also, in that context, it’s not immediately clear what’s going on. Try “vanished with a flash of white light” or “glowed brightly and vanished” or something.
Say how Glo’Dramoth sees him, or is aware of other ghosts vanishing, or glimpses the quick flicker of a blade out of the corner of his eye, something like that.
Should probably be “was hit on the head”, or “bludgeoned,” if you prefer.
You asked about how to remove this… It seems fairly unnecessary, if Glo’Dramoth is such a great swordsman, just have him do more hacking and slashing to get rid of these guys. And if you want to attract the attention of the other people, a good old-fashioned shout or battlecry would do the trick, if clashing weapons wouldn’t be enough already.
It should be “oblivious”, and here’s another example of more technical or formal wording that doesn’t quite fit – “visual” and “notified” should be replaced with simpler words.
Confusing sentence, there… Try replacing “footsteps quickly making their way towards Glo’Dramoth” with “approaching footsteps” or just “pounding footsteps” We can assume they’re heading towards the fight if they’re drawing swords.
Don’t just say he began killing, tell us how he did that. He slashed at the nearest ghost. He ran into the fray, sword upraised, etc. And now you’re getting to the reinforcements arriving, the cavalry coming over the hill—make it dramatic, give them some furor and a battlecry.
You don’t really need to say this when you end the battle a short while longer. Just say, “The battle continued,” and then flow into Glo’Dramoth’s action.
Somewhat sudden. We get no hints of him tiring before now; even when he’s hit over the head he doesn’t even seem to register pain. It’s all very factual, but we’re not let inside his head.
Why not, though? Your ghosts are being somewhat inconsistent about their deaths…
I think you meant “reflect upon”.
It’s “literally”, and in this case you don’t really need to use it. We know they go up in smoke, and we can assume it’s not figurative and they’re being burned.
A tall elf?
Not actually a sentence here, and you should probably add a speech tag to let us know it’s this elf that speaks the next line.
Ok, I think that’s it for what I found. In general, you need to watch your word choice and reread your sentences to make sure they flow together. Reading more and better books helps a lot with writing, especially if you pay some attention to writing techniques and style as you go. And definitely add more detail—“show”, don’t “tell”. Give us a blow-by-blow for at least part of the battle; that would make it more involving. Also, have you looked at SlyShy’s articles on how to write action scenes? They’re around II somewhere, they could certainly help.
So…I really hope I didn’t come across as too mean, and I hope there’s something in there you can use! __;;
— Saeyre · Nov 29, 08:40 PM · #
Well then, a critique longer than the actual post, a feat I believed only Carbon could achieve.
— Virgil · Nov 29, 08:45 PM · #
Lol, I’m pretty sure that’s just because he hasn’t formatted it into paragraphs yet. :)
::clomps clumsily along in CC’s footsteps::
— Saeyre · Nov 29, 08:56 PM · #
I liked the scene, as far as content, which, as you say, would be more clear were there more context surrounding it. Stylewise, as Saeyre has already mentioned, the action how-to articles on II are a fantastic reference.
I’d second much of Saeyre’s critique and add that ‘flora’ is much too soft a word for a scene like this. My eyes caught on it and momentarily I felt like they were in a garden, instead of a forest.
I’d also try to keep your sentences generally short and punchy. In a battle I’d avoid opening almost any sentence with a present progressive (ending in ‘ing’) verb. The pace is too lazy for a battle.
‘Realizing that speed and luck wouldn’t be enough to win the fight, he called upon his magic.’
To me, this is immediately better:
“He realized that speed and luck weren’t enough and called upon his magic.”
We don’t need ‘to win the fight;’ we know he’s not using it to bake a cake, eh? And the second version seems to me to be a faster rhythm. If you wanted an extra beat you could split them up with a comma:
“At that moment he realized that speed and luck weren’t enough, and called upon his magic.”
— Kevin · Nov 29, 10:00 PM · #
Thanks guys!
Of women, I can’t see past the browser.
This’ll help me quite some bit.
— Gildor · Nov 30, 01:27 AM · #
Actually, after thinking back, I shouldn’t be rude and answer with some more text.
Saeyre:
Everything makes sense, but I need to answer the “How did they sneak up on everybody?” question.
First up, the Elves having a celebration are quite ‘out of their minds’. Things that I shall not speak of vahe occured, and now they are almost to happy.
Also, It’s a group with the size of about five hundred elves, all dancing, walking, drinking, eating in a forest at night. Seems lika a scenario where no one would be paying close attention to something past the boundries of light.
That eyes-opening-and-closing part: Yeah..Seeing it now only makes it silly. But I wanted to show that these elves can FEEL the rhythm of nature, just as I have leant myself. Everything repeats itself, if you listen carefully. A break in that rhythm is easely heard.
“Unless this guy is constantly zipping around like a hummingbird, you’d think Glo’Dramoth would get some sort of impression about him”
Actually, It’s a her. And, yep he should get an impression. Just wanted to make it feel confusing. And i probably did, only not in a good way.
Making sense untill:
“…And now you’re getting to the reinforcements arriving, the cavalry coming over the hill—make it dramatic, give them some furor and a battlecry.”
Well, they aren’t acctually aware of what is happening, so they will not all be streaming over the hill in a marching line, or even in a large mass. Also, there is no hill. But I can make it that they all massed in front of the creatures, who are cowering before the warriors who have gathered before them, and running at them with raised weapons and fierce cries…
Something like that.
“…Your ghosts are being somewhat inconsistent about their deaths…”
One of the vague things I mentioned. They are no ghosts, they are acctually possessed human magicians, so as long as the human body still delivers energy, they will not die, so they will not dissapear. (I’ve turned it into crumbling into dust, a bit more practical then being blinded after every kill) The scene directly after this one states this.
Kevin:
Flora seemed a normal word to me, but I’ll change it in shrubs, bushes and trees.
And that sentence was a problem for me as well, only variations of it always seemed to out-of-place.
I’ll work on it and post the edited version, thanks guys!
— Gildor · Nov 30, 11:38 AM · #
This does make sense, especially since these ghost/shade warriors are sneaky and silent. * nods *
Definitely a cool idea, I’m just not sure that’s the best way to use it. How about having him be attuned to the rhythm of nature with his eyes open, hmm? Instinctively killing someone behind him, stuff like that.
Heh, sorry, the “cavalry coming over the hill” is just a metaphor here. ^^ But yes, that would work well, just make it a little more dramatic than “It was not long before…”
Yeah, I believe I read the other piece you posted here, and I did know they were possessed humans—“ghosts” was just kind of shorthand, heh. But wouldn’t that mean that the last possessee Glo’Dramoth stabs is still alive? It is a little confusing, you may want to just make it that everybody crumbles into dust, or everybody doesn’t.
I’m looking forward to seeing it! :)
— Saeyre · Nov 30, 12:14 PM · #