Here’s the background: Having just finished a mammoth editing session, I felt like doing something that felt more creative. So, I set myself a little challenge. Inspired by the incredible speed at which our brave NaNo contestants are working, I gave myself one hour to come up with the beginning of a story. That’s one hour to come up with an idea, write the introduction (of no specific length, but with a clearly defined end), and edit it so that it was at least semi-coherent.
As I was using this as a creative exercise, I chose to write the introduction in a style completely different to the style I am known for. I used first person present tense, clipped sentences, and I did a whole lot of telling rather than showing.
At the one hour mark, I had to publish, regardless of what I had; and what follows is the result of that hour. I wouldn’t say I was exactly pleased with what I’ve got, but I’m about as happy as I can expect to be given what I set out to do. With more time, the exposition would be trimmed, and I would try to put some funny jokes in somewhere.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed the experience of writing it.
By the way, I have no intentions of ever finishing this story, and no, I don’t know about the griffin rider…
I first hear about the Griffin Rider on Friday night.
At the time, I am designing my barbarian costume. I’m not built for a loincloth, despite recently purchasing full membership to the gym, so I have settled for leather trousers and a brown jerkin. I have increased the general appearance of barbarism by adding a wolf-skin cloak, and a helmet with curly horns. I have made judicious use of metal studding.
The ensemble is complemented by a range of rather tasty-looking weaponry. I have a doubled-headed axe with butterfly-wing cleaving blades, a chunky knife, and a short stabbing sword. The sword is enchanted, giving me a plus one defence value against subterranean creatures.
I don’t carry a shield. Shields are for wimps. I am, however, considering the purchase of a chainmail shirt.
‘You’ve got mail,’ my computer says, in a vaguely arousing way.
I open the e-mail, expecting it to be from Hector the paladin, who is my new best friend since he found the golden lodestone of Sammael. The lodestone allows Hector, or any member of his war band, to respawn at a ruin or chapel.
But the e-mail isn’t from Hector. In fact, I don’t recognise the address of the sender at all.
The e-mail is just one line long.
Do you know about the Griffin Rider?
I suck my teeth thoughtfully. There hasn’t been a griffin for years, and nobody has ever caught one, let alone ridden one. I assume the e-mail is a hoax, and hit delete.
I sharpen my axe. Fifty-seven strokes of the whetstone on each side. The blades are so sharp they sing as they cut through the air. People call it the “song of death”.
People have no imagination.
With my axe sharpened I turn my attention back to the computer. No e-mails. No calls for help.
No missions, no adventures, no quests. No maidens in distress, or villages under attack. No dragons. No ogres.
Do you know about the Griffin Rider?
Maybe the old hobgoblin knows something.
The hobgoblin works at the bank, counting the gold in the vault. He loves gold above all else.
He’s utterly despicable, but he knows everything. He has been an active participant in the realm since the beginning of days. He remembers the First Light, and the creation of all things. He walked the earth before anyone else, and boy, does he like to let people know about it.
Smug bastard.
I decide to take a walk over to the bank. I take all of my weapons with me; not because I expect trouble, but because there is always less likely to be trouble when you’re carrying a bloody great axe.
The bank is closed. Obviously. It is eleven o’clock at night.
I knock on the door, and wait.
The world is bathed in the eerie light of the full moon. The werewolves will be about. Every shadow conceals danger.
A slat in the door opens, and the hobgoblin peers through.
‘What do you want?’ he says.
‘I need to speak with you,’ I say.
‘Why?’
‘I need to ask a question.’
‘You know the rules.’
I smile politely, and jangle my money bag. My chainmail shirt will have to wait for another time.
‘How much?’ the hobgoblin asks.
‘Four thousand gold pieces.’
‘For slaying the dragon?’
‘Yes. How did you know that?’
‘I’m the hobgoblin. Older than time. The first of all creatures. I know everything. That’s why you’re here.’
‘Can I come in?’
‘You can.’
I wait. The hobgoblin watches me. He doesn’t blink. The door doesn’t open.
‘Are you going to let me in?’ I ask.
‘The money?’ the hobgoblin says.
‘Once you let me in.’
The slat in the door slides shut.
It has started to rain. The bank is a looming black edifice; a hunched demon towering against the purple sky. The rain starts to roll down my neck and into my jerkin.
I’m going to catch a cold.
Werewolves howl in the distance. I am not afraid. I used to be a werewolf, but Hector managed to cure me before it got too bad. He had to trek across the Long Ago wastelands until he reached the ancient garden of the Lonely Warriors. It’s the only place where Wolfwort grows; and everybody knows, Wolfwort is the only way to cure a nasty case of lycanthropy.
Seems a long time ago now, but it was only last month. It was kind of fun being able to lick my own balls.
The door opens.
The hobgoblin is wearing a black suit. He looks like he has been working in a morgue, and that’s not too far from the truth. The bank is haunted; full of the trapped memories of heroes long since gone. The scribes at the bank are responsible for caring for these heroic memories, in case a hero should one day return seeking his or her past.
The scribes are always busy.
The hobgoblin has access to all of the memories. Those of the dead heroes, those of the missing, and those of the here and now. He even has access to my memories.
I hand over my money bag. He measures its weight. ‘Exactly four thousand gold pieces,’ he says.
‘I told you that.’
‘Better safe than sorry. This earns you two questions.’
‘Only two? I used to get three.’
‘Inflation. You’ve got one question left.’
‘But I didn’t ask anything.’
‘Yes you did.’
‘When?’
‘Just then. Do come back if you need more help.’
‘No. Hold on a minute. Wait!’
The door slams shut in my face, and I hear the hobgoblin’s footsteps as he heads back to the vault with my gold.
That could have gone better.
As the rain falls harder, I walk home, wondering how I’m supposed to pay the rent.
Actually, I would be interested in reading more of this.
Just one thing though- I was a little confused how the ‘barbarian’ could have email, and then go around carrying a huge axe. If he had technology like email, couldn’t he go for a more sophisticated weapon to use?
— Snow White Queen · Nov 8, 02:56 PM · #
Ummm I believe he’s in a role playing game of some sort. At least that was my impression….
— Billy the Kid · Nov 8, 03:15 PM · #
1) I second SWQ
2) I get the feeling of the roleplaying taking place in the daydreaming mind of the main character; he is using his own fantastical symbols to replace other encounters. Clever. Have you read “The Secret Life of Walter Mitty” before?
— Rand · Nov 8, 03:31 PM · #
@ Billy:
Yeah, I was feeling that too, but I wasn’t sure if that was actually happening, or if that was just me and my weird way of seeing things again.
— Snow White Queen · Nov 8, 03:50 PM · #
Little of column A, little of column B.
I’m just poking gentle fun at the people who play MMORPGs to such an extent that the game starts to consume their real lives and the reality/game line becomes blurred.
There are some obvious “game” references – +1 defence, respawning at ruins, really bad “heroic” names for important places – but I didn’t want it to be clear exactly what was real and what wasn’t.
As such, although it’s not likely the hero really has a big axe, I wouldn’t want to rule out the possibility. I’m leaving it up to the reader to decide.
— Carbon Copy · Nov 8, 04:00 PM · #
It’s pretty neat. I like the inflation of questions.
What are you known for Carbon?
— Virgil · Nov 8, 09:23 PM · #
Hi Virgil – and thanks.
My style is third person, past tense, restricted POV (max 3 POV characters, usually less), adult thrillers. Definitely no comedy.
This was something very different for me. I had fun with it, though.
— Carbon Copy · Nov 9, 07:07 AM · #
I really like your writing style man, I believe I’ve said this before (if that was one of your stories)…
— GC · Nov 9, 10:36 AM · #
Third’ed.
I personally envisioned this as some unholy hybrid of LARP and play-by-email, with the hobgoblin standing in for evil tech support.
One minor pacing blip: between the lines “The slat in the door slides shut.” and “The door opens.” you dump in a ton of description, which creates an inordinately long pause between what could be a single action (“The slat in the door slides shut and the door opens”).
— SubStandardDeviation · Nov 9, 07:24 PM · #
But there’s supposed to be a long pause before the door opens, giving the barbarian time to think about werewolves and how cold he is. I was trying to get across the pause without saying “there was a long pause”.
Ah well, that’s what doing these things in an hour does for you.
And how could closing the slat and opening the door be one action? The closing of the slat has no bearing on whether or not the door opens. It would have to be two actions, regardless of pacing issues.
Cheers for the feedback.
— Carbon Copy · Nov 10, 03:02 AM · #
I didn’t mean they were the same action, but that they would happen one right after the other. What else would the hobgoblin be doing while he was not letting the barbarian in? And if there was supposed to be a pause, understandable, but there’s not really a sense of time flow.
Cheers back for the entertainment.
— SubStandardDeviation · Nov 10, 03:46 AM · #
Well – the hobgoblin is an arse. He has already kept him waiting: “I wait. The hobgoblin watches me. He doesn’t blink. The door doesn’t open.”
Besides, one would assume there are locks on the other side of the door that need to be undone (I might have added something about this, but I was writing to rules and my time was up).
And what sense of time flow would you expect? The slat shuts. It starts to rain. He examines the building. The rain starts to roll down his neck. He ponders werewolves. The door opens.
Sequence of events = passage of time.
— Carbon Copy · Nov 10, 05:14 AM · #
I liked it a lot. I got the sense that this guy’s incredibly absorbed in whatever MMO he’s into – and by the sounds of it, he’s a cosplayer as well. The writing was witty and engrossing. I really enjoyed it – pity it ends there. :P
— DrAlligator · Nov 10, 08:31 AM · #
You’ve got a little bit of talent Carbon, but you’re either a coward or an egotist.
You prefaced this piece with a long-winded explanation that it was “something you whipped up in an hour”. By doing this you intentionally gave yourself an easy defense in case the piece was heavily criticized or (heaven forbid) even ridiculed.
If it wasn’t cowardice that motivated you to do it this way then it was your ego’s search for flattery. You were hoping we’d all note how impressive it was that you whipped up this brilliant little ditty in under an hour. Color me unimpressed. Some writers write quickly, others write miserably slow; neither is an indication of literary talent or lack thereof and everyone here needs to know that.
If you believe you’re a talented writer Carbon (and gathering from your criticisms elsewhere on this site, it would seem you do), then post something that’s worthy of not just your time but OURS as well. After all, why should we bother to spend time critiquing a slapped-together creation you penned in under an hour?
Personally I’d like to see how well you handle characters you actually love. I’d like to see if you can maneuver them within an engrossing plot without the entire “cake” collapsing.
Anyone else reading this comment should take heed of this as well. Post work here that’s POLISHED and FINISHED. Don’t post half-hearted, unfinished crap you’re not happy with. How do you expect to get better if you’re not showcasing your best work for us to critique? And why do you want to waste our time by posting half-hearted crap? We don’t waste your time with our half-hearted crap.
By the way, all of you should also realize that you don’t have to accept the criticism that’s offered here. You don’t have to accept the criticism your work garners elsewhere from friends, agents, publishers, English professors or even famous authors either. But learning to DEAL with criticism is part of the writing process.
If you’re scared of criticism (or you get angry, enraged, depressed at criticism) then you can’t be writer. Go do something else with your life. Writers spend their lives dealing with criticism, so you might as well start learning how to stomach it at an early stage.
The lesson of the story is… post pieces here that you think are worth being criticized AND don’t preface anything you post (unless it’s just to give us time, plot, character references). This way, we’ll all assume it’s your best stuff and you’re looking for OUR best critiques.
— CWB · Nov 30, 12:50 AM · #
Interesting, there, that you claim to represent the best interests of the site, but I can only seem to find one short comment you made here. Interesting, also, that you choose to attack a respected, established member, and aren’t even brave enough to leave your email address. Seems rather cowardly and egotistical, now that I think about it.
This comes across as belligerent, spiteful, and self-superior. Not helpful, not constructive, and not insightful, which means your purpose is completely contrary to the purpose of the site. Maybe you should rethink what you’re trying to do.
As apparently you’ve missed something, allow me to inform you that this site is for budding writers. We’re not great authors yet. We have our flaws, we have our failures, along with our good moments. And of course we feel vulnerable to criticism. Posting our writing publicly feels like exposing our babies to a firing squad, whether that’s rational or irrational. Our writing is part of us and part of our deepest efforts, so we try to shield ourselves from the worst of it—in order to take in the good criticism and improve. What CC wrote in his/her introduction is perfectly natural, and common to all of us. I’m beginning to suspect you haven’t written much yourself, if you don’t feel this way.
You say that writers need to learn how to take criticism, which is of course all very well and true. However, you say this in the middle of a vicious, nasty sniping attack, which is far more likely to scar a writer and keep him from writing more. If you want to teach that lesson, give good, constructive criticism that has a bite and hard truth to it, but doesn’t degrade or insult the writer. For instance, the kind of criticism CC gives.
CC is definitely a great editor. And you know what, you don’t have to be a great writer to be a great editor. I think this piece is well-written and amusing anyway, but that isn’t even relevant to the jab you make.
Ok, really, what the hell?! CC has posted one piece of writing, and it’s a pretty darn good piece of writing. You need to lay off the petty, nasty grudge you have going on here and go do something constructive.
Oh, yeah, definitely, because we all know that if you scared or depressed by something, you’ll never be able to overcome that. You should only do things that come immediately to you. Let’s just all stop trying! It sounds to me, actually, like you’re the one who’s given up and decided you can’t be a writer.
Who the hell is “WE” again? I don’t see you as an important, contributing member of II at the moment, if you’ll excuse me for that. And no, we’re not all going to post “POLISHED and FINISHED” pieces of writing, because we’re not polished, finished authors. We post writing that has a lot of mistakes and problems with it, because we want help and constructive criticism! This is a site where we improve our writing, and it’s open to all levels of writers. It’s not an elitist group of people who only critique the things they see as “worthy”. Are you missing the point entirely here?!
Ok…I’m just going to stop before I get really pissed off. For what it’s worth, CC, I was both amused and intrigued by your piece, and it’d be great to see more of your writing in the future. :)
— Saeyre · Nov 30, 11:51 AM · #
You tell him Saeyre.
I was going to say the same thing, but you beat me to it.
Not saying that I’ve been a great member of II, but still. (Two weeks, yay!)
— Gildor · Nov 30, 12:03 PM · #
CWB – I wasn’t actually going to respond to this comment, but as other people have taken the effort to do so I thought I should. Saeyre makes some valid points, and your post could certainly cause a lot of harm to some writers. This is a place for critique, discussion, and advancement of craft; not for attacking each other.
Am I a coward? Yes. Did you really think my name was Carbon Copy?
Am I an egotist? Most definitely. I’m a writer. I believe I have incredibly important things to say. I believe this to such an extent that I write down what I think and then expect other people to PAY me for the privilege of reading what I’ve written. Egotism comes with the trade.
I leave a lot of feedback on this site. I hope the advice I give is useful. I do not leave opinions out of spite or as a way of making myself feel better or more important. The more attention I give to a piece of work, the more potential I see in that work (or the writer). Do I think my advice is good? Yes. I wouldn’t bother giving it otherwise.
Several people on this site asked me to post some of my own writing. I can’t post anything I am currently working on, because (1) that would be a teaser for my new novel, which I want to keep secret for obvious reasons, and (2) people would be able to work out who I am. So, I took the opportunity to do this experiment. It was just supposed to be a bit of fun, and I am upset (and rather surprised) I’ve offended you to this degree.
Obviously, this piece was posted during the NaNo contest, and part of the reason for my introduction was to comment on the great admiration I have for those who took part in this contest. The thought of writing a whole book in a month gives me chills, and I am impressed by those people who managed to do that. This piece was like a mini-NaNo for me. In hindsight, I can see why you think my introduction was a shield to criticism; I certainly never meant it that way. I actually really enjoyed the critique from other people. SSD made an interesting observation, and although I didn’t agree entirely, it was interesting to hear those opinions and discuss them further.
Years of working with editors makes you more open to suggestion and other opinions, and I have posted many times on this site about how the advice of an editor is the best advice you will ever get. Besides, there is always more to learn. After my first book was published I received a letter from a “fan” who wrote a full two sides of A5 paper about what was wrong with my book. That person closed the letter by saying the book was a “complete travesty” and I “needed an alchemist, not an editor”. That hurt. But I kept the letter, and I still read it every now and again just as a reminder that there’s always room for improvement.
By the way – nobody is immune to the pain of harsh criticism unless that person doesn’t really care about the work in the first place. Here is what you do: You discuss, then you argue, then you rage, then you sulk… then you make the changes and your book gets better.
— Carbon Copy · Dec 1, 08:05 AM · #
You may be a coward, CC, but it takes a lot of courage to keep going after someone calls your work complete rubbish, and that’s something I know I’ll never have.
(Witness the fanficcers who scream at a person for “flaming” their story and declare that they’ll never write again.)
— SubStandardDeviation · Dec 1, 12:28 PM · #
CC is a published author?
What conceivable benefit could you have for anonymity on this site CC? Authors far and wide (pre-published, just-starting-out, and blockbuster millionaires), all understand the importance of publicity no matter how it’s earned.
Since you’re a published author, I have no doubt your agent and publisher have recommended starting a blog or a website. Can you point us to this blog of yours Carbon? Can you send us to Amazon so we can buy your book, thus keeping you in the book-writing business? Why wouldn’t you WANT us to give you money? Seems kinda strange to me…
— CWB · Dec 1, 08:31 PM · #
Before this gets nasty (as I’m sure it’s going to judging from Saeyre’s earlier comment), I would like everyone to understand I never meant to offend CC, and judging from CC’s response I don’t think I did. I only meant to point out my issue with the massive disclaimer at the beginning of the post.
And… the comment I just left was more of an automatic, knee-jerk response I can’t control when I smell BS on the internets.
— CWB · Dec 1, 08:37 PM · #
Eh, I didn’t see anything wrong with the beginning.
Evidently CC is not a procrastinator like me if he/she could write that much and edit it too in an hour.
— Snow White Queen · Dec 1, 09:00 PM · #
… o.O
Well! We do have a nice vicious pattern here. You see what CC wrote, assume a few things about CC. I see what you wrote, assume you’re a total asshole, and blow up about it. Effing internet…
I would like to apologise for my nastiness—as is apparent, I get easily pissed off when it comes to people criticizing new writers (or an experienced writer, in this case, but you get my drift.) I can see that your comment didn’t really faze CC, but the sentiments in it struck me as being damaging and insulting to beginning writers, which includes me.
I definitely agree with you that there’s a lot of bull on the internet, and it’s easy, and often good, to get suspicious and cynical about things. However, I don’t really agree with your opinions of new writers and on how writing should be presented for critique, and I think that most people on this site would be offended by them as well.
Maybe I could engage in some civil conversation about it? ^^;;
— Saeyre · Dec 1, 10:10 PM · #
As for myself, I’m going to continue evaluating the writing on II alone on the writing’s merits, consciously disregarding any assumptions I might have about the personalities of the people staring at their respective monitors over yonder.
Since I don’t know any of you people, I have no cause to assume anyone is being disingenuous, and the odds of CC being published or not having any effect on the life of anyone here are somewhere next to nil. Attacks on prefaces and over personalities are only going to get in the way of what we’re all hoping to do – become better writers. CC (like many II readers) is a remarkably perceptive editor and that’s all I really need to know about him/her.
That’s my (admittedly unsolicited) two cents, anyway. Since I’m butting in, feel free to ignore the preceding paragraphs if you like. But sometimes one needs to vent.
— Kevin · Dec 1, 11:31 PM · #
Rand’s comment about the Secret Life of Walter Mitty was right on. I liked this, CC. Your writing style is short, sweet, and to the point, with a lot of biting humor.
As for the rumpus in the string of comments above, I think it’s a bit silly. I mean, irregardless of how long it takes us to write, we all post our writing on this site, we all critique each other’s writing, and we all try to accept critiques gracefully. This site is supposed to help us grow as writers, and I don’t really think the above argument is constructive or helpful to that end.
— Amelie · Dec 2, 09:34 AM · #
Realized belatedly I neglected to comment on the actual piece. The conversations are a little reminiscient of Cormac McCarthy, which I hope you take as a compliment.
I agree you ought to finish it.
— Kevin · Dec 2, 11:21 AM · #
“irregardless”
…..AGH!
Other than that, I agree with Amelie. :) I enjoyed the story.
— Juni · Dec 2, 12:57 PM · #
Juni—
“AGH” is right! Bad grammar/word choice, whatever you want to call it! I’m embarrassed… it should be “regardless.” Thanks for catching me. :P
— Amelie · Dec 2, 01:49 PM · #
You’re a bigger man (woman?) than I expected Saeyre (and probably a bigger man than I am).
I hope we can be friends.
— CWB · Dec 2, 04:12 PM · #
Woman, in this case, or I’ve got a terrible sense of what constitutes a masculine name. :P
I hope we can be friends too. I certainly respect your opinions, now that I see you weren’t posting them simply to slam CC. I’d be interested in discussing them further, as I realize I don’t fully understand them, but I’m not sure this poor comments section would be the best place to do that…
If you want to, maybe we could converse on the forum…?
— Saeyre · Dec 2, 06:01 PM · #
I’ve got one question Carbon, part edit but mostly wtf (but an amused wtf): How does the computer say you’ve got mail in a vaguely arousing way? Is he a computerphile? Is there even a proper word for computerphile?
— Billy the Kid · Dec 2, 08:08 PM · #
Well, haven’t you ever responded to the alarum bells of the pinging, dinging IM window?
— Rand · Dec 2, 08:18 PM · #
I imagined that the barbarian is using AOL. When the e-mail arrives, his computer chimes with that metallic, feminine voice that AOL uses to announce new mail.
Believe it or not, this was originally an action sequence(!). The mail delivery service was actually a beautiful woman who emerged from the computer to give him the message. As she arrived, a monstrous creature with hundreds of tentacles attacked her and the barbarian leapt to her rescue. This was supposed to represent the barbarian’s struggle to retrieve e-mail from his spam filter, but when I read it back it was like some kind of fever dream and made no sense at all. Besides, it made the barbarian look too cool.
So, the whole fight sequence was cut, and I replaced it with one line that suggests the barbarian is a bit sad and gets aroused by that tinny, female voice. It seemed in keeping with a character who can no longer tell the difference between reality and the computer game. I also thought it was a little bit funnier.
— Carbon Copy · Dec 3, 05:08 AM · #