I’m back everyone!

It was touch and go there for awhile but at last I’ve been released from the hospital. It took some convincing, but at last the doctors realized that my doomsday weapons weren’t a result of misanthropy… but just an unbridled lust for power.

And the genetic abominations are an effort to cope with my crippling loneliness.

I do hope the Drunk Fox and Falconempress are ok. They’ve stopped returning my calls, but they at least send me Molotov cocktails and kamikaze raptor bombs (the birds, not dinos). It’s nice to know the ladies still care.

So thanks to Asahel for helping me through this one, he’s been returned to his family safely, as I promised…

Vampire Love: the Second Sex Negotiates the Twenty-First Century

This chapter started in a moment of parental panic. My thirteen-year-old daughter, who habitually reads very thick books of dubious character, was unusually insistent in her pleas to be allowed to attend the midnight release party for the last volume in some book series she was reading.

I had to accept that, in the words our new president used to acknowledge Sarah Palin on the campaign trail, vampire love was a “phenomenon.” What did it mean that millions of girls were fantasizing about men who could barely repress the desire to kill them? In 2008?

When I opened the first novel, Twilight, my impression was that I had gone back in time. The female protagonist struck me as a representative of the idealized womanhood of my mother’s generation transposed into twenty-first-century circumstances.

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Comment

  1. The Drunk Fox on 20 April 2011, 19:43 said:

    That didn’t take long!

    Now if only it could have happened during our chapter…

  2. swenson on 20 April 2011, 22:03 said:

    before reading YES! I was just about to start pestering you about when this would be up, too!

    after reading Hmm, that seemed rather short…

  3. LordBobBree on 20 April 2011, 23:59 said:

    I do hope the Drunk Fox and Falconempress are ok. They’ve stopped returning my calls, but they at least send me Molotov cocktails and kamikaze raptor bombs (the birds, not dinos). It’s nice to know the ladies still care.

    If they really cared, they would send you dinosaurs.

  4. The Drunk Fox on 21 April 2011, 01:45 said:

    If they really cared, they would send you dinosaurs.

    Hey! What do you think brought him the Molotovs?

  5. Quilloasa on 21 April 2011, 02:03 said:

    To be honest, I was hoping to see him verbally rip the writer a new one, but the images work too.

  6. Licht on 21 April 2011, 02:07 said:

    We don’t know each other long enough, so I’ll just stick with giving cookies, pretzels and beer. (Because I’m a good Bavarian girl, that’s what I do.) Also, coffee, wodka and raspberry engery drinks, if you like.

    Cheers!

  7. Chumba on 21 April 2011, 07:39 said:

    So instead of an actual analysis you just chucked in a few pics and called it a day.

    Cheers.

  8. Nate Winchester on 21 April 2011, 07:42 said:

    More like… this went through a LOT of drafts…

    After awhile, I realized this was a no-win scenario and threw up pictures to move on.

  9. falconempress on 21 April 2011, 10:00 said:

    If they really cared, they would send you dinosaurs.

    Hey! Dinosaurs are expensive! I am just an evil overlord, that does not mean I am made of money, geez.

  10. Danielle on 21 April 2011, 23:15 said:

    When in doubt, blow up the world. Then move on.

  11. Licht on 21 April 2011, 23:29 said:

    What comes next?

  12. Nate Winchester on 22 April 2011, 07:24 said:

    Next would be the next chapter.

  13. Licht on 22 April 2011, 11:35 said:

    No? Really?! – And what is the next chapter about?

  14. The Drunk Fox on 22 April 2011, 15:05 said:

    Something terrifyingly horrible, no doubt.

  15. dragonarya on 22 April 2011, 16:57 said:

    Congrats on your release from the hospital, Nate! Those doctors just need to be brought round gently to your way of thinking. You’re just different, that’s all.
    And there is no doubt at all the next chapter will be soul-rendingly horrible. Maybe if we pool our money we can get enough for dinosaurs? …put together it probably won’t amount to much though. Fifty bucks at most, I’ll bet.

  16. Asahel on 22 April 2011, 17:31 said:

    So thanks to Asahel for helping me through this one, he’s been returned to his family safely, as I promised…

    I’m not so sure it counts as being “returned” when you left me on Earth A instead of Earth 1. Also, safely was a bit of a stretch.

  17. swenson on 24 April 2011, 21:51 said:

    I’m going to ask this as delicately and with as much respect for what I’m sure is a tenuous mental state after reading this chapter, but…

    …what was it actually about? Please tell me it wasn’t really coming out in favor of Twilight’s misogynistic “women should listen to/do whatever their men tell them to” idea. (I should point out that I am willing to concede that may not have been Smeyer’s intention, but it certainly is what happened.)

  18. Nate Winchester on 26 April 2011, 08:02 said:

    Swenson, more like… it almost went so far in the other direction that I was in danger of agreeing with Meyer.

  19. Quilloasa on 26 April 2011, 16:26 said:

    So…is the argument of this chapter that Twilight is not sexist? Because if it is, I’m almost afraid to ask how they reached that conclusion.

  20. Nate Winchester on 26 April 2011, 17:41 said:

    No no, you have it backwards, Quilloasa.

  21. Quilloasa on 27 April 2011, 20:04 said:

    @ Nate Winchester: So, they acknowledge that Twilight is sexist?

  22. swenson on 27 April 2011, 21:01 said:

    it almost went so far in the other direction that I was in danger of agreeing with Meyer.

    Ah. Those types.

    …yeah, I’m not a fan of the sort of wildly anti-man people who go around calling themselves feminists, if that’s what the chapter was essentially praising. Equal rights should be exactly that—equal, not better for women than for men.

  23. Nate Winchester on 28 April 2011, 07:01 said:

    What set me off was the implication that Twilight was some kind of “ideal” of my mother’s/grandmother’s generation.

    My mom & grandmas were farm girls. There is NOTHING ideal about Bella from their perspective (the closest might be the cooking thing – but that’s just division of labor on farms).

  24. The Cat on 28 April 2011, 13:45 said:

    Wow. Maybe it wasn’t a scientific analysis…

    …but honestly, the pics were hilarious. :)

  25. New on 2 June 2011, 17:02 said:

    Absolutely terrible. This hardly qualifies as an article, it’s simply a bunch of quotes from the book with far too many “lol” pics (Which I, personally, find extremely unfunny) attached.

    As a long time reader of the site I’ve quite enjoyed some of the articles and “sporkings” posted here. I’ve never posted a comment before, but it seems like I’m the only one who feels like your articles, like I said, absolutely terrible.

    I know that most of you write articles for fun and to entertain, but this is just pathetic. I’ve looked at some of your older materiel, not all of it is terrible, but the majority of it does seem to just be “omg lol kittez pics lol” and bad jokes and puns with made up characters.

    I’m quite disappointed that these articles continue to be posted on a site like this. Anyway, that’s my rant for the day.

  26. Nate Winchester on 12 June 2011, 10:08 said:

    I know that most of you write articles for fun and to entertain, but this is just pathetic. I’ve looked at some of your older materiel, not all of it is terrible, but the majority of it does seem to just be “omg lol kittez pics lol” and bad jokes and puns with made up characters.

    Now I know you didn’t since everything I’ve written (with the exception of one or two D:LT sporks) are almost all text. With maybe a closing picture to sum up my feelings of the whole thing.

    Also, this didn’t have a “bunch of quotes from the book”, it had only 3 paragraphs.

  27. swenson on 13 June 2011, 16:39 said:

    Aww, is somebody butthurt because their free entertainment is not up to their exacting standards?

    This is the single most image-heavy post Nate’s ever done (or, in fact, pretty much anybody’s ever done that has been posted on the main site) and I think we can all agree, based on what Nate said about this chapter, that it really, really doesn’t deserve a full spork. We don’t want poor Nate to get driven too crazy, after all.

    (why no, I’m not just trying to butter up to him so he won’t make me read any more of that terrible, terrible book, why do you ask? :D)