My protege (who I’ve been training to continue my plans once the heroes defeat me) demonstrated how well my lessons have been and dragged me off to the latest Twilight movie. Unriffed.
A few hours later once the EMTs revived me, what are my thoughts?
There was a trailer for the Hobbit I hadn’t seen yet. The bliss of the geekasm from that sustained me through the first week of this film.
Other trailers included:
- Warm Bodies – a paranormal romance involving zombies. No really, apparently a zombie sees a blonde so beautiful that his heart starts beating and… he becomes less dead every day. And “their love” seems to spread to allow other zombies to become more alive. Though we still have to have zombies so there are a 2nd class of “even deader, more monstrous” zombies in this film. My prediction: either a large-scale flop or total guilty pleasure. It may have its charms.
- Oz – First time I saw this (a poster) I was ready to hate it. Yet each successive trailer I’ve seen seems to be trying its damndest to make me like it. This may be a surprising good flick.
- Mama – A commercial for a horror film in front of Twilight? It’s like they’re taunting we trollers.
- Now You See Me – What if Ocean’s Eleven and the Prestige had a baby? Might be a worth a rental.
- Catching Fire – The barest teaser trailer I’ve ever seen. Hunger Games 2 will be releasing.
Wasn’t there something else I was talking about…
Oh right! Well this is the funniest movie I’ve ever seen; and thrice intentionally! People like… emote in this movie (I think I even saw Kristen nearly do so). One can’t help but think that the reason everyone’s smiling in this film is that they’re thrilled the whole deal is finally over and they’re free. Really, it feels like everyone involved (in front of or behind the cameras) were just so tired of this saga they declared “screw it!” Scenery is chewed constantly. One is hard pressed to figure out if the SFX are intentionally done that way or if the budget just ran out. Know what? I’ll just have to do this as a text review. Let’s dive in.
So the movie starts with ramping credits.
Yes. The credits.
And the first… eighth of the movie. Not even 300 had ramping credits. Not even 300 had this much ramping. And credits play over constant shifting between red and white, and close ups of snow and things crystallizing from frost. The symbolism is so thick I could hear Kurt Wimmer screaming “tone it down, guys!”
After the credits, we slam STRAIGHT into one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard (and I can listen to Nickelback unironically). So Bella wakes up all meyerpirey and we get a lot of zoom ins and outs. A lot. Look, I know the filmmakers are trying to convey her new senses and it isn’t that bad of an effort but they drag it out WAY too long.
Bella meets Edward. They go hunting. Oh my goodness, the two of them are actually smiling at each other. I… I could almost believe they are in love. Where the hell was this in the previous movies? She senses a rock climber out… somewhere (seriously, the editing and perspective on this scene sucks). She climbs up the rock face in a comical manner before Eddy stops her and… then she saves some deer by eating a cougar.
Then we get the scene where Bella learns that Jacob imprinted on Nessie. Successfully intentionally funny scene #1. She comes very close to ripping his head off, or at least I believed she would more than I ever did of Edward (and its HIS daughter we’re talking about).
After a bit, we finally get to our REAL star, Billy Burke. The family is getting ready to say Bella’s dead and leave Forks so Jacob goes running off and tells daddy that Bella’s actually alive. He also reveals that he’s a werewolf in a stripping sequence that brings us to Intentionally Funny Scene #2. (I even squeed a little as now I can totally fan fic a story of him hunting with the Winchesters. He should play John’s brother with Jeffery Dean Morgan in a badass prequel series.)
Daddy Swan goes to Cullens’ house and his acting in the following scene just proves that he (and his mustache) is WAY too good for this series. Way, WAY too good. He really makes you believe that he is a loving father. Seriously, Billy, if anything I write ever gets made into a movie, I want you in it.
Then we get… MONTAGE!
Including a bit of Eddy and Belly screwing (I think it was here, may have been another montage). Any pretense of this movie NOT being porn evaporates around there.
At the end of which, Nessie gets spotted by someone who goes running off to tell the Volturi like a good little tattle tale. So with the actual, organic and emotionally touching conflict out of the way, we can now go on to the shoehorned conflict. There is some discussion, some planning all to set up…
This isn’t too bad as the guest stars playing the other meyerpires seem to have a challenge to see if any of them can outham Michael Sheen. There are two unintentionally (I think) horrifying scenes in this. First, Eddy and family visit the other vegetarians and bring Nessie. When she places her hand on the cheek of one of them and causes her to “understand”, the whole scene comes off as brainwashing, with Reneesmee drawing thralls to her will to protect her (and throughout the movie this impression doesn’t lessen). Second scene is when the Cullens recruit an old war buddy (like, Revolutionary) of Carlise’s to help out. In the middle of him attacking someone. And he insists on eating before he leaves. AND WE WATCH HIM DO SO! Seriously! When did this movie have vampires? And our “heroes” stand there and watch him eat this guy that, as far as any of us know, is completely innocent. To make it worse, the guy becomes one of the major secondary characters, NEVER MIND THAT HE MURDERED SOMEONE WITHOUT REGRET. This internet doesn’t make a big enough middle finger for how infuriated that scene made me.
There’s a training scene with Bella learning about her shield. It has Intentionally Funny Scene #3 in it as we get to watch Edward be shocked by some electric meyerpire. So there is something for the haters in this.
The movie spins its wheels awhile. There’s an Avatar meyerpire (controls the elements – and he’s done a voice in Legend of Korra so… meta?) and a literal “draco in leather pants” meyerpire. We get a Christmas scene with Charlie that’s actually touching and the passport scene with Jenkins. Is it just me, or does Wendell Pierce sound like he could be Morgan Freeman’s son? This movie does not DESERVE the talent it has.
Alright, I know what you are all wondering about: the showdown.
I’m not going to lie, Michael Sheen is almost worth the price of admission, and if they have a 2 hour featurette on the DVD of his outtakes, I will buy it. He doesn’t so much chew the scenery as ravage it. He almost seems to taunt the other actors with “go on, try and convince the audience I’m a threat!” Alas, his devouring angers the others who demand to have their own bite, so a fight breaks out. The funniest fight scene since Blazing Saddles. No, seriously. At one point, Eddy & Belly work together to do a flying spinning kick. During which, every named Volturi, Carlisle, Jasper, Seth, and Leah all die. Eddy nearly does, but he comes bursting out of the ground in a move so reminiscent of Superman, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.
Until… SPOILER it’s revealed to all be a vision of Alice’s that Aro sees. END SPOILER
I know, big surprise right? There for a second, I almost thought the movie would actually have some ballz. But no, it all ends without a single punch thrown. Blah blah things wrap up and the movie closes on, I mean this literally, literally (I swear I am not making this up) on the last sentence of the book.
Then it proceeds to credit the ENTIRE saga. Again, not kidding.
And… that’s it. Feel free to post questions in the comments and I’ll answer them to the best of my recall but honestly, go see it for yourself. Definitely, the best comedy of the year. I’m not sure if the Rifftrax can make it any funnier.