My protege (who I’ve been training to continue my plans once the heroes defeat me) demonstrated how well my lessons have been and dragged me off to the latest Twilight movie. Unriffed.

A few hours later once the EMTs revived me, what are my thoughts?

There was a trailer for the Hobbit I hadn’t seen yet. The bliss of the geekasm from that sustained me through the first week of this film.

Other trailers included:

Wasn’t there something else I was talking about…

Oh right! Well this is the funniest movie I’ve ever seen; and thrice intentionally! People like… emote in this movie (I think I even saw Kristen nearly do so). One can’t help but think that the reason everyone’s smiling in this film is that they’re thrilled the whole deal is finally over and they’re free. Really, it feels like everyone involved (in front of or behind the cameras) were just so tired of this saga they declared “screw it!” Scenery is chewed constantly. One is hard pressed to figure out if the SFX are intentionally done that way or if the budget just ran out. Know what? I’ll just have to do this as a text review. Let’s dive in.

So the movie starts with ramping credits.

Yes. The credits.

And the first… eighth of the movie. Not even 300 had ramping credits. Not even 300 had this much ramping. And credits play over constant shifting between red and white, and close ups of snow and things crystallizing from frost. The symbolism is so thick I could hear Kurt Wimmer screaming “tone it down, guys!”

After the credits, we slam STRAIGHT into one of the worst songs I’ve ever heard (and I can listen to Nickelback unironically). So Bella wakes up all meyerpirey and we get a lot of zoom ins and outs. A lot. Look, I know the filmmakers are trying to convey her new senses and it isn’t that bad of an effort but they drag it out WAY too long.

Bella meets Edward. They go hunting. Oh my goodness, the two of them are actually smiling at each other. I… I could almost believe they are in love. Where the hell was this in the previous movies? She senses a rock climber out… somewhere (seriously, the editing and perspective on this scene sucks). She climbs up the rock face in a comical manner before Eddy stops her and… then she saves some deer by eating a cougar.

Then we get the scene where Bella learns that Jacob imprinted on Nessie. Successfully intentionally funny scene #1. She comes very close to ripping his head off, or at least I believed she would more than I ever did of Edward (and its HIS daughter we’re talking about).

MONTAGE!

After a bit, we finally get to our REAL star, Billy Burke. The family is getting ready to say Bella’s dead and leave Forks so Jacob goes running off and tells daddy that Bella’s actually alive. He also reveals that he’s a werewolf in a stripping sequence that brings us to Intentionally Funny Scene #2. (I even squeed a little as now I can totally fan fic a story of him hunting with the Winchesters. He should play John’s brother with Jeffery Dean Morgan in a badass prequel series.)

Daddy Swan goes to Cullens’ house and his acting in the following scene just proves that he (and his mustache) is WAY too good for this series. Way, WAY too good. He really makes you believe that he is a loving father. Seriously, Billy, if anything I write ever gets made into a movie, I want you in it.

Then we get… MONTAGE!

Including a bit of Eddy and Belly screwing (I think it was here, may have been another montage). Any pretense of this movie NOT being porn evaporates around there.

At the end of which, Nessie gets spotted by someone who goes running off to tell the Volturi like a good little tattle tale. So with the actual, organic and emotionally touching conflict out of the way, we can now go on to the shoehorned conflict. There is some discussion, some planning all to set up…

MONTAGE!

This isn’t too bad as the guest stars playing the other meyerpires seem to have a challenge to see if any of them can outham Michael Sheen. There are two unintentionally (I think) horrifying scenes in this. First, Eddy and family visit the other vegetarians and bring Nessie. When she places her hand on the cheek of one of them and causes her to “understand”, the whole scene comes off as brainwashing, with Reneesmee drawing thralls to her will to protect her (and throughout the movie this impression doesn’t lessen). Second scene is when the Cullens recruit an old war buddy (like, Revolutionary) of Carlise’s to help out. In the middle of him attacking someone. And he insists on eating before he leaves. AND WE WATCH HIM DO SO! Seriously! When did this movie have vampires? And our “heroes” stand there and watch him eat this guy that, as far as any of us know, is completely innocent. To make it worse, the guy becomes one of the major secondary characters, NEVER MIND THAT HE MURDERED SOMEONE WITHOUT REGRET. This internet doesn’t make a big enough middle finger for how infuriated that scene made me.

There’s a training scene with Bella learning about her shield. It has Intentionally Funny Scene #3 in it as we get to watch Edward be shocked by some electric meyerpire. So there is something for the haters in this.

The movie spins its wheels awhile. There’s an Avatar meyerpire (controls the elements – and he’s done a voice in Legend of Korra so… meta?) and a literal “draco in leather pants” meyerpire. We get a Christmas scene with Charlie that’s actually touching and the passport scene with Jenkins. Is it just me, or does Wendell Pierce sound like he could be Morgan Freeman’s son? This movie does not DESERVE the talent it has.

Alright, I know what you are all wondering about: the showdown.

I’m not going to lie, Michael Sheen is almost worth the price of admission, and if they have a 2 hour featurette on the DVD of his outtakes, I will buy it. He doesn’t so much chew the scenery as ravage it. He almost seems to taunt the other actors with “go on, try and convince the audience I’m a threat!” Alas, his devouring angers the others who demand to have their own bite, so a fight breaks out. The funniest fight scene since Blazing Saddles. No, seriously. At one point, Eddy & Belly work together to do a flying spinning kick. During which, every named Volturi, Carlisle, Jasper, Seth, and Leah all die. Eddy nearly does, but he comes bursting out of the ground in a move so reminiscent of Superman, I nearly fell out of my chair laughing.

Until… SPOILER it’s revealed to all be a vision of Alice’s that Aro sees. END SPOILER

I know, big surprise right? There for a second, I almost thought the movie would actually have some ballz. But no, it all ends without a single punch thrown. Blah blah things wrap up and the movie closes on, I mean this literally, literally (I swear I am not making this up) on the last sentence of the book.

Then it proceeds to credit the ENTIRE saga. Again, not kidding.

And… that’s it. Feel free to post questions in the comments and I’ll answer them to the best of my recall but honestly, go see it for yourself. Definitely, the best comedy of the year. I’m not sure if the Rifftrax can make it any funnier.

(Hey… I notice City of Bones and the Host have trailers on IMDB. Oh Jabootu, truly you provide us a rich bounty.)

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Comment

  1. swenson on 21 November 2012, 12:57 said:

    the first week of this film.

    lololol i c wat u did thar

    Warm Bodies – a paranormal romance involving zombies.

    FINALLY! I knew this day would come eventually, I just didn’t expect it’d take this long!

    Then we get the scene where Bella learns that Jacob imprinted on Nessie.

    To be honest, that was one of the few scenes I genuinely liked in the original book. She understandably flips out at him, he’s all defensive and protesting that it’s not his fault it happened, and there’s a bit of genuine tension that maybe the two will actually fight. And the way she reacts to him calling Nessie Nessie is (intentionally) humorous.

    So, I have to ask. Having seen all four five monstrosities, which is the best? I saw Twilight, and it was actually somewhat palatable (I mean, for the source material—it was still an awful movie) because it hadn’t gotten too deep into Crazyland yet. But I’ve never seen any of the others even if I have been tempted by shirtless Taylor Lautner and have no intentions of doing so.

  2. Epke on 21 November 2012, 13:35 said:

    Second scene is when the Cullens recruit an old war buddy (like, Revolutionary) of Carlise’s to help out.

    That’d be… don’t know his character name, but played by Lee Pace, right? He’s playing King Thranduil in the Hobbit, of which there was a trailer… it’s like they know.

    During which, every named Volturi, Carlisle, Jasper, Seth, and Leah all die.

    Don’t mind, had it coming, long overdue, that’s what happens to fanboys and nooooo! Then again, Leah always gets the short end of the stick. But this “it was all a vision” thing reminds me of something I can’t quite place…

    Anyway, Nate: which song was it in the beginning, was the CGI for the Avatar’s leet skillz as bad as the rest, did Kristen actually smile or was it a trick of the light?

  3. Nate Winchester on 21 November 2012, 20:53 said:

    To be honest, that was one of the few scenes I genuinely liked in the original book. She understandably flips out at him, he’s all defensive and protesting that it’s not his fault it happened, and there’s a bit of genuine tension that maybe the two will actually fight. And the way she reacts to him calling Nessie Nessie is (intentionally) humorous.

    Ok, I was wondering how much was sourced there. It was totally in the movie with all characters playing audience to the scene. Eddy even has some fun in there. It was one moment of genuine drama, I’ll give it that.

    So, I have to ask. Having seen all four five monstrosities, which is the best? I saw Twilight, and it was actually somewhat palatable (I mean, for the source material—it was still an awful movie) because it hadn’t gotten too deep into Crazyland yet.

    Well that’s like asking me what my favorite injury has been.
    On their own… Twilight is probably the most competant one. If you’re asking about rifftrax… BD1 is pretty funny, but I think eclipse is their best. HOWEVER, a lot of Eclipse’s humor comes from the guys referencing jokes they’ve done previously in the series. So… raw: Twilight, riff: Eclipse (so far).

    That’d be… don’t know his character name, but played by Lee Pace, right? He’s playing King Thranduil in the Hobbit, of which there was a trailer… it’s like they know.

    Yeah, that’s him. He’s not a bad actor, I very nearly ended up liking him (even though he’s a monster in the movie).

    Don’t mind, had it coming, long overdue, that’s what happens to fanboys and nooooo! Then again, Leah always gets the short end of the stick. But this “it was all a vision” thing reminds me of something I can’t quite place…

    lol Because it’s so many movie cliches? To make it somewhat more paltable, Leah & Seth are in wolf form when they die.

    Anyway, Nate: which song was it in the beginning,

    I actually can’t tell you it was so bad I repressed it while listening to it.

    was the CGI for the Avatar’s leet skillz as bad as the rest,

    On par. And on par with the “skillz” of the ahvahtar in the Last Airbender movie. They mostly give him a few minor tricks and a “crack the ground” bit in the last fight. Which, considering that the entire fight is taking place ON SNOW was disappointment. He’s played by Rami Malek who you can just tell is having a blast in this movie.

    did Kristen actually smile or was it a trick of the light?

    I’m not sure, I think it may have been where all the CGI budget went.
    It is rather… not sure – but anyway, she ends up conveying anger (at Jacob) far more convincingly than joy or happiness. But I think that may be true to the character.

  4. Pryotra on 21 November 2012, 23:31 said:

    LEAH DIES!?

    Leah was the only character in the whole Meyer universe that I liked other than Movie

  5. Nate Winchester on 22 November 2012, 00:13 said:

    Leah virtual dies.

    Whole big showdown… there’s only one casualty. (man I hate this series)

  6. Sweguy on 22 November 2012, 07:52 said:

    You actually saw this in the cinema? As you you paid them MONEY to see it? Shame on you! Download if at all.

  7. JR on 22 November 2012, 11:16 said:

    This movie was just pure lulz for me. Admit it—Bella’s first run looks like someone tripping out on acid. The thing was just dripping with narm.

    The one exception was Garret’s introduction and the subsequent treatment of the human-eating vampires. “Don’t worry, kids—it’s okay if your friends are terrible people, as long as they’re on your side!” That implication was there in the books, but the Garret scene is so much worse.

    Leah is (as Das Mervin says) a happy accident—the only truly sympathetic character in the series. I actually liked that she died in the battle, because it seemed like she was one of the few who did so WILLINGLY, fighting for the cause.

  8. Epke on 26 November 2012, 12:54 said:

    Yeah, that’s him. He’s not a bad actor, I very nearly ended up liking him (even though he’s a monster in the movie).

    He does quirky best, in my opinion. He was brilliant in Pushing Daisies.

    I actually can’t tell you it was so bad I repressed it while listening to it.

    That bad? Lord, it must’ve been something off Meyer’s playlist then… like Chemical Romance or… I don’t know, The Emo and the Angled Pictures?

    On par. And on par with the “skillz” of the ahvahtar in the Last Airbender movie. They mostly give him a few minor tricks and a “crack the ground” bit in the last fight. Which, considering that the entire fight is taking place ON SNOW was disappointment. He’s played by Rami Malek who you can just tell is having a blast in this movie.

    Ugh, I hated the effects in that abomination of a movie. The 3D conversion added diddly squat. Hmm… I guess Michael Bay acts as a large CGI sponge, sucking up all the decent effects for years to come after he’s pushed out a movie… which gives us ridiculous-looking wolves and bland effects.

    I’m not sure, I think it may have been where all the CGI budget went.
    It is rather… not sure – but anyway, she ends up conveying anger (at Jacob) far more convincingly than joy or happiness. But I think that may be true to the character.

    Haha, I can just imagine.
    Director: Alright, Kristen: smile!
    KStew: * does some facial spasms *
    Director: Uhm… no, smile, Kristen. You know, with your mouth?
    RPattz: A director asking her to do something with her mouth… foreshadowing?
    Director: Quiet, Robert! Go on, Kristen.
    KStew: * frowns *
    Crew: * sighs *
    Director: Let’s just CGI it. No one likes the wolves anyway, so we’ll cut the budget from them.
    CGI-team: Stop asking for the impossible!

    A recent review of BD2 was published a few days ago here, and the reviewer gave it 4/5 stars. Having read the book(s), I thought she was high when she went on about how the central message of the movie was family and Bella finally becoming strong in her own right (and then went on about how Bella might not be an Avenger, but she was every bit of superhero as Superman, which made me gag). Nate, did you experience any of that? I mean, even in the slightest?

  9. Nate Winchester on 26 November 2012, 13:07 said:

    Ugh, I hated the effects in that abomination of a movie. The 3D conversion added diddly squat. Hmm… I guess Michael Bay acts as a large CGI sponge, sucking up all the decent effects for years to come after he’s pushed out a movie… which gives us ridiculous-looking wolves and bland effects.

    Actually I highly recommend the master, Furious D and any of his posts talking about a lot of this stuff. He’s pointed out how Summit Entertainment has kept the budget on the movies suppressed to try and make a profit. And how Micheal Bay is actually a super-genius who is trolling all of us. (cracked pointed that out too)

    On the former… eh, I can sort of respect it (the budget problems of Hollywood could create their own DSM) but… man it makes you miss the days of animatronics.

    A recent review of BD2 was published a few days ago here, and the reviewer gave it 4/5 stars. Having read the book(s), I thought she was high when she went on about how the central message of the movie was family and Bella finally becoming strong in her own right (and then went on about how Bella might not be an Avenger, but she was every bit of superhero as Superman, which made me gag). Nate, did you experience any of that? I mean, even in the slightest?

    Sorry, not following here. Can you clarify?

  10. Epke on 26 November 2012, 17:51 said:

    Note: I spent almost half an hour trying to get this stupid thing in a Show/Hide box, but it just didn’t work. I guess HTML coding is just for articles and not comments? Ah, anyway, the block quote is the article and if it’s too big of a comment, I can probably put it up elsewhere.

    Ok, I’ll have to translate it for you because it’s originally not in English, and… well, I want you to get it in full. Ahem.

    It’s taken Bella three movies to reach her goal. But now she’s there, finally turned into a vampire and united with her great love, Edward. And boy, is she well off.
    She’s got superpowers, is incredibly gorgeous, born with all the pros of the vampires and few of their cons. Supervision. Superstrength. Super-rich. She can travel in super sonic speed all day, freed from all human needs – well, almost. She doesn’t need to work, clean or cook food – she can get that just by biting some animal’s neck. She doesn’t even need to breathe or sleep. Bella can spend all her time on making love with Edward (tasteful, discreet pictures, sampled just right considering how much Bella’s been bugging Edward to get some action) and, of course, spend time with her newborn daughter.
    When Bella quickly runs up a mountain-wall or crushes a rock with her hands, you want to be a vampire right away. The strength, the power, the immortality. It’s the same ideal that’s been heralded in the Marvel movies. Strong superhumans that will protect us. The difference is that there it’s Captain America, Iron Man and Superman who arm themselves to fight for their countries – alone against the enemy – but here, Bellas greatest gift is to protect her family. The small group.
    Bella gets superpowers by protecting the ones she loves. And Edward thanks her too: “You have given me something to fight for. A family.”
    The male superheroes fight against anonymous masses or an evil super-villain. Solidarity, indeed. But they move in the global world. Bella sticks to her house. Bella is all about family. She lives with the large family, the Cullens, that is extremely solidaric and happily risk their lives one for all, all for one. Bella’s best friend Jake belongs to the wolfpack that is also extremely social, can hear each others thoughts and are now working with the vampires – thanks to Bella.
    The Twilight-series (movies and books) is a fantastic success across the globe. Maybe it’s because it focuses on family and close relationships. The charm of Bella and Edward is that they fight all the time, nag and glare more than they make out. They show what effort it takes just to get it right with the right partner, to live in a group and adapt to the rules of new families. That that can be just as anxiety-inducing as when Superman tries to stop a new weapon of mass destruction.
    In Breaking Dawn 2, Bella’s problems are continuing, which they often seem to do after a wedding, having a baby and getting a new house. The powerful Volturi – the italian vampire Mafia – are coming to annihilate the Cullens. The movie is mostly about how the family gets ready for the attack. But not with weapons, but with diplomacy, witnesses and psychic abilities. In the Avengers the heroes build a flying fortress and shoot their enemy to pieces. Here, Bella practices in creating an invisible shield.
    Is the movie boring? No. The landscape shots in the beginning are incredible and the constant, head-spinning rides across mountains and forests as well. The movie follows the plot of the books superbly.
    It’s more like annoying that they still had to squeeze in the fighting scenes at the end, heads that are ripped off and burned, a wold that walks by with an arm in its mouth, pieces of vampire flying in every direction. In the book, Bella decides the battle, in the movie her supertalent is almost lost. But! Just when you start to wonder – was it really like this? – it is revealed with a snap that you can still have the dramaturgical cake and eat it.
    In the genre “books made into movies”, the Twilight-series is as reliable as a Quileute-wolf. Personally, I don’t need more than a moving picture-book, sort of like the Lord of the Rings. Breaking Dawn 2 is actually finished with something as unusual as pictures of pages from the books and zooms of certain words (Stephanie Meyer is herself a producer and has been able to keep an eye on things). The movie is perhaps slightly slow and incomprehensible if you haven’t read the books. But really, who hasn’t?

    And that’s that in all its… glory. Fragments and everything. So Nate, having read that… do you agree with above assessment?

  11. lilyWhite on 26 November 2012, 19:18 said:

    …that article made my brain hurt. The complete dissonance between what the reviewer says about the movie and what actually happens in Breaking Dawn

  12. Nate Winchester on 26 November 2012, 19:36 said:

    And that’s that in all its… glory. Fragments and everything. So Nate, having read that… do you agree with above assessment?

    The strength, the power, the immortality. It’s the same ideal that’s been heralded in the Marvel movies. Strong superhumans that will protect us. The difference is that there it’s Captain America, Iron Man and Superman who arm themselves to fight for their countries – alone against the enemy – but here, Bellas greatest gift is to protect her family. The small group.

    No no no nonononononononononooooooooo!

    What is up with twihards and confusing marvel/superman? This is the 2nd time I’ve dealt with it!

    That that can be just as anxiety-inducing as when Superman tries to stop a new weapon of mass destruction.

    Yeah, we called it the Incredibles, it is my favorite Pixar movie for that reason (among others).

    Is the movie boring? No. The landscape shots in the beginning are incredible and the constant, head-spinning rides across mountains and forests as well. The movie follows the plot of the books superbly.

    No, it’s not boring. Mostly because you’ll be laughing too hard at it.

    The movie is perhaps slightly slow and incomprehensible if you haven’t read the books.

    1) It is slow regardless of whether you’ve read the books. Heck, I LOVE LotR and even I’ll admit the movies can be a bit sluggish.
    2) It’s not incomprehensible! The parts that people don’t understand… aren’t explained in the books either! (with maybe… 2 exceptions I’ve seen)

  13. Epke on 28 November 2012, 14:46 said:

    …that article made my brain hurt. The complete dissonance between what the reviewer says about the movie and what actually happens in Breaking Dawn…

    Having only read the books but seen enough snippets from the films BD movies, that’s what made me double-back and go “Whaaaat?” after reading it. I suspect the author is a TwiMom (her press photo looks old enough to be or have been in that range) or having very, very skewed feminist ideals. Kind of like Meyer.

    What is up with twihards and confusing marvel/superman?

    Thank you! Now, I’m not a comic-book guy, but even I know that Superman is DC and the only one worth seeing from DC is Batman. And ponies!!! Dear Princess Celestia…