So my friend who sporked Tiger’s Curse? She’s now doing the sequel in her sporking, which you can find right here.
Atticus wakes up in his backyard. See, realizing he needed to heal, especially after giving so much of his own blood to his lawyer1, and he needs to be in touch with the ground to do that, he’s in his backyard. I know his property is magically protected and all, but isn’t sleeping outside when you know people want you dead monumentally stupid? Because all Aenghus Og has to do is hire a sniper to climb up on another rooftop while he’s asleep and give Atticus a high-speed lead injection. It would not be difficult, considering Aenghus is an immortal god who apparently has infiltrated the Tempe law enforcement. Am I meant to believe that hiring a professional gunman is beyond his capabilities? Heck, this close to the university, he could hire a college student to do it.
And wait just a minute: Atticus needs to be in contact with the soil to heal, so he has to sleep outside if he’s really wounded? Here’s a man who is immortal, has incredible magical abilities, connections with the supernatural community, and no problems with wealth, and he can’t build a room in his house with just one spot that’s not covered with flooring? Like, he couldn’t have this spot in his basement that’s just bare earth for him to heal in? He has to sleep outside?
Just to remind you, this man has gone on and on about how paranoid he is, and yet he didn’t prepare for the possibility that he might need to spend a night healing himself. If it had so much as rained then he wouldn’t have been able to sleep. As it is, this guy who keeps insisting that he’s insanely paranoid feels entirely comfortable sleeping in his yard without any sort of tent or shelter while his mortal enemy is in town and actively seeking his demise. He mentions a camouflage spell, and that’s it. No other protections.
This man is an idiot.
So all his wounds are healed. The worst he has to worry about is a little pain, but it’s fine—all those injuries he got in the fight with the Fir Bolgs? All gone now. Not that it’s a surprise, but it’s just a reminder that nothing has consequences for the protagonist of this book. He and Oberon have breakfast and talk about Genghis Khan some more, because we need those jokes, I guess.
Also Atticus insists that they “have to make sure the widow is okay. We left her house rather abruptly last night.” Since when is this an issue? You didn’t care when a literal god walked up to her house to pick a fight with you. You left to fight the Fir Bolgs, supposedly out of concern for her, but she’s still your neighbor, and you didn’t check in on her after the fight or after the cops showed up and started waving guns around. But now we’re acting as if he’s oh so concerned about her?
Oh and this:
Fragarach was lying where I left it on the kitchen table.
Have you ever been so paranoid that you left a magic cut-through-anything sword that the bad guys are willing to kill for on the kitchen table overnight?
And this from Oberon:
I think that you should start with getting me a sufficient number of French poodles, and you can find those in the classified section of the newspaper.
Because he thinks all French poodles are female, and he wants to have a harem, remember? The fact that Oberon is of human-level intelligence and wants to have sex with a bunch of animals that aren’t isn’t meant to be troubling at all.
Atticus goes outside to get the paper and observe how his lawn looks. He dispels the magic cloaking it, and the fact that there are now visible bits of gore all over is apparently not a big deal? Seriously, “messy patches of gore” are just A-okay! He tries to spray it away with a hose, and it doesn’t all go away. But he decides that if anyone asks, he’ll come up with an answer and it’ll be fine.
Maybe that giant animated jar of Kool-Aid met his untimely end here?
The Kool-Aid Man is a pitcher not a jar. I recognize that this isn’t a big deal, but if you’re going to make stupid pop culture references, at least get them right. In any case, joking about it doesn’t change the fact that he’s got splotches of blood in his yard, and he doesn’t have an explanation, and he’s not worried about it at all.
This man is dripping with paranoia, I’m telling you.
Atticus and Oberon talk about invading Siberia or something while he cooks breakfast. Atticus declares that
Oberon’s ability to distract me from life’s worries was one of the reasons I adored him.
I’d accept this comment if it weren’t for the fact that Atticus doesn’t have any worries. People are out to kill him and he slept in his yard without any sort of covering except a cloaking spell. He left his magic sword that the bad guys are after out on the kitchen table. He hasn’t even come up with an excuse for their being red patches in his yard yet.
Then Atticus reads the paper. The headline is about a Park Ranger that got killed by a dog. And they guess that it was done “by a large dog, possibly an Irish wolfhound.” Atticus is all like, “There’s no reason they’d know what the breed of dog was from the body/wound, so obviously they’re getting help from someone else.” Which, uh, duh. We know that Aenghus Og is in town, and that he’s using the local law enforcement.
Someone’s coming to the door though! And it’s the cops. Two, rather. Atticus steps outside on the front porch to talk to them. They are Detective Carlos Jimenez from the Phoenix police and Detective Darren Fagles from the Tempe police. They have a conversation which I imagine Hearne thought was very witty.
May we speak to you inside?”
Ha! He asked to come inside anyway. Not gonna happen, buddy. “Oh it’s such a nice morning, let’s just talk out here,” I said. “What brings you to my door today?”
Jimenez frowned. “Mr. O’Sullivan, this is really best discussed in private.”
“We’re plenty private right here.” I grinned at him. “Unless you’re planning to shout. You aren’t going to shout at me, are you?”
“Well, no,” the detective admitted.
“Great! So why are you here?”
It’s supposed to make Atticus sound clever, but it just makes him sound obnoxious.
They ask him if he owns a wolfhound, and he says what his werewolf lawyer told him to say: that his dog ran away and he has no idea where he went. When the admit that they’re investigating the park ranger’s murder, he says he wasn’t there. They want to investigate his house and yard, but after some prodding it’s revealed that the tip they got to go to Atticus was given, once again, by his neighbor Mr. Semerdjian, and so Atticus explains that his neighbor’s an insane douchebag and they back off a bit, and eventually leave, though Fagles makes it clear that he still thinks Atticus is guilty.
Which, y’know, he kind of is?
I thought about this on one of my walks, and I realized another thing that bothers me about this: Atticus isn’t acting like an innocent man. He’s snarky, annoying, and basically rubbing in the cops’ faces that they can’t do what they want. He could still act like he knows his rights and act unnerved and terrified, but he doesn’t. You would think a man who keeps billing himself as paranoid wouldn’t be flippantly teasing the police there to accuse him of murder.
And also police… don’t always follow the law. It’s become a massive political issue lately, sure (and one we will NOT get into here, because I see enough political BS on Facebook and it already sends my anxiety through the roof), especially in regards to race, but it’s not new by any means, nor is it limited to African-Americans. If Fagles is really as unstable and obsessed as Hearne paints him, there’s a huge chance that he’d barge into Atticus’s house, warrant or no, and actually wave his gun around with an itchy trigger finger.
Yeah, it sucks, but there are a lot of cops who abuse their power. And there have been for years. So Hearne’ss protagonist, who claims up and down that he’s oh-so paranoid and well-prepared, is talking back to the cops. Atticus, you could very easily get yourself shot this way. And yet we’re being told that this is him acting oh so clever and witty. The fact that back talking law enforcement is pretty much suicidal never seems to enter anyone’s mind.
[Yes I follow Swear Trek on Tumblr.]
“But Juracan! He’s immune to death, remember?” Yeah, okay, but a bullet to the head can’t exactly be comfortable, can it? Even if he heals from that, his reputation in this town would be kind of screwed. He’d have to go out of the way to explain to his attempted murderers why he’s not dead, or fake his death, and then assume a new identity, probably leave town— the whole chalupa.
Of course none of this crosses his mind because he’s a Mary Sue and I hate him.
Atticus cleans up his house, looking to see if there’s anything incriminating in case the police do come in. He notices that his antique books might be roughed up if the cops decide to go rifling through his stuff, and that his lawn plants might be confiscated on the assumption that they’re illegal drugs, so he calls up Hal (the werewolf lawyer, if you forgot, who works during the day while Leif the vampire works at night). He asks Hal if a lawyer could park at his house to be obstructive if the cops come in, basically. Hal agrees to send a junior associate. Atticus is pleased, because if Aenghus is involved then the cops might bring a non-human in, and a werewolf would still be a pretty good defense.
You may be the most paranoid man I’ve ever met.”
“I’m certainly the longest lived you’ve ever met.”
[sigh]
As I’ve explained a dozen times over by now, Atticus is anything but paranoid.
He goes to Mrs. MacDonagh’s house, and notices that Bres’s body isn’t there. He hypothesizes that maybe the Morrigan ate it. Then he talks to the leprechaun.
“Ah, me dear boy Atticus, ‘tis a pleasure to see ye again and that’s no lie. Have ye killed any more Brits for me?
“Good morning, Mrs. MacDonagh. No, I haven’t killed any more Brits. I hope you won’t be talking about that with anyone.”
“Tish, d’ye think I’m daft? I’m not there yet, thank the Lord. It’s all due to clean livin’ and good Irish whiskey. Would y’be havin’ some with me? Come on in.”
Maybe me quoting these bits is why I haven’t got as many comments on these sporkings lately. They are painful to read, I guess. But you guys will suffer with me.
Atticus declines the whiskey, saying it’s too early in the morning, and also it’s Sunday. MacDonagh knows that, but she says she drinks a bit before going to the student Mass because the priest gives long homilies aimed more at college kids than her. She insists it’s not that she’s drunk, she’s mellow, but, uh… yeah, she goes to Mass drunk.
I… hate these characters.
The leprechaun asks if she could convince Atticus to get baptized, and he also turns that down and says he has to go to work. Oberon asks him what Baptism is, and Atticus gives a basic explanation like, “You’re dunked in water and come out reborn.” Of course, Oberon doesn’t get it, so he says it’s a symbolic thing, and Oberon still doesn’t get it.
Mind you, this doesn’t really seem a theologically-accurate description of the Sacrament of Baptism, but in Atticus’s (and Hearne’s) defense, Atticus isn’t Christian, and doesn’t seem to have much interest in Christianity in general. I mean he has been around two thousand years so it’s a bit weird that he hasn’t picked up any actual knowledge of Christian theology, considering, y’know, Irish history and all. But it’s not exactly inexcusable, since he skipped out of Ireland before Christianity got there, so I’ll regrettably give it a slide.
It’s not great, but the man doesn’t even keep track of the politics of the country he’s in now. So it’s not unbelievable that he doesn’t know how Baptism works. It’s dumb, but it’s consistently dumb, ya ken?
Atticus finishes out his explanation as he goes to work with ‘It’s symbolic, okay?’ and Oberon’s all like “Like going to church drunk is really going to church mellow?”
Oh yeah, Atticus is on his way to work. Did I mention that? The most paranoid man Hal has ever met is leaving his house to go to work. He’s so paranoid, guys. Atticus describes how he has some business on Sundays, mostly because you had a bunch of angsty college kids rebelling against their Christian upbringing going to a New Age shop.
Also we get this:
And their auras almost always churned with arousal, which I did not understand when I first opened the shop, but eventually it made sense: For the first time in their lives, they were going to read about a belief system where it was okay to have sex, and they could hardly wait for the validation.
Look, sex is not my subject. But you honestly expect me to believe that because these college kids are no longer Christian, they’re just aroused from just looking at non-Christian reading material and merchandise? Because it might not give them validation for sex outside of marriage?
I think you’re projecting, Atticus.
This isn’t weird, is it? Like I know college kids can be perverts, but the idea that they’re walking around a New Age shop aroused by it not being Christian doesn’t make sense. If anything, it feels like another attempt to drag sex into the novel, in the most juvenile way possible. And it doesn’t add anything! All it tells us is that Atticus brings up sex in contexts where it’s weird. Which we already knew!
“Hey? All these college kids in the store? They’re thinking about *SEX!*” Okay that’s nice but what does that have to do with the Plot? You know, the evil Irish god out to kill you and take your magic sword? Does this really add anything to this scene? Does it give us a clearer picture of the store?
Nope, it does not. It’s just there.
Atticus goes on to describe the auras and looks of customers who were actually members of the supernatural community, and oh look, there’s Emilya, the witch from earlier? Who had Atticus brew up an impotency potion? Yeah her, and despite the fact that Atticus gave her a magical beatdown last time she was here, she’s sneering in his face and sticks her tongue out at him.
Yeah, because that’s how a person in her situation would act.
But before much else can happen, another woman enters the shop and reprimands Emilya. It’s described like a child being chastised by a parent, with Emilya realizing that she’s in trouble. And that’s the end of the chapter.
I know I’ve said this before, but there’s something really messed up about the depiction of women in this book, isn’t there? Aside from being all sexualized to some extent (I want to say that the Leprechaun isn’t, but she also admits that she’d like to bone Atticus so that goes out the window), they’re terrible people and… not very bright? Flidais doesn’t understand how to use basic kitchen appliances, the Morrigan is ready to murder people at the drop of a hat, the Leprechaun goes to Mass drunk and immediately drops all intelligence to go murder happy at the mention of Britain, and Emilya, after picking and losing a fight with Atticus goes to his shop to basically brag in his face.
It’s not just that it’s one or two characters, it’s just about all the female characters. The only exception I can think of right now is the bartender at the Irish pub, and it’s all but said that Atticus gets an erection just being around her. So, uh, that’s not great.
What makes this frustrating in Emilya’s case is that she’s meant to be around a hundred years old. I know compared to Atticus that’s pretty young, but she’s not that young. For Atticus (and the author) to be infantilizing her like this comes across as pretty condescending. She should be Atticus’s equal, or around that level, but nope! She’s just an immature brat without a lick of common sense.
Maybe things get better for the female characters later on in the series, but this book treats them pretty badly.
Join me next time, as… stuff happens, I guess? I need several shots of apple juice…
1 I haven’t made a blood-sucking lawyer joke, have I? That’s pretty terrible of me.
The Smith of Lie on 2 June 2019, 08:11 said:
I hate it when that happens! There is so much mess to clean up afterwards. And the killing. I mean I like killing as much as the next paranoid psychopath, but sometimes it is too much of a good thing.
Ah, but we have established that the gods must be lazy and they have no idea about such amazing modern inventions as large caliber sniper rifles, high explosives, Flak 88 anti air canons and other wonderful toys that could be used to kill Atticus.
As a side note, since it is a tradition to praise Dresden Files, I want to mention that it is one of few books that actually considered the implication of modern weaponry, including sniper rifles, on a supernatural field of battle.
Well for one that’d be actually smart thing to do, so it’s a no-no for Atticus. But I am betting that if pressed about it Hearne would just respond with magic-babble that it wouldn’t count for some metamystical BS reason, like the spot inside building not being natural enough ot some such.
I am starting to get a bit of an obsessive vibe towards good old Genghis from Atticus/Hearne. The topic just keeps coming back. I guess it is just our “hero” missing the good old times of raiding, pillaging, looting and raping…
I believe this is a code word for “see if she didn’t come to her senses and decided to snitch on me after all.” You know, because she was a witness to a murder.
Troubling or not I am getting weirded out by the whole thing.
Makes it easy!
And once again I wonder how and why is this book so popular. I have mentioned Dora Wilk way back in early chapters. For all my hate for that book and for the character I must at least grudgingly admit, that it had a certain amount of tension and Dora at least acted as if the plot had some amount of importance.
It is indeed a rare event when the book that made me want to chuck my Kindle at the wall is brought up as the positive comparison…
I’ve never been filled with as much dread by a single sentence before…
Yeah. To borrow Austalian vernacular. Atticus is one smug cunt. The way you relayed this whole encounter makes the whole thing doubly infuriating because Atticus antagonized police second time in as many chapters, used the most BS and thinly veiled excuses and lies and nothing came of it while there’s bloody gore in his damned backyard!
For what it is worth your are not the only one.
I take this to mean that Hal has never met anyone even slightly paranoid. Actually he only met people on the opposite side of the scale, much like Atticus himself.
I said it once and I’ll say it again, Hearne clearly does not know difference between “paranoia” and “complete and utter complacency”. Because I would make for a better paranoiac than Atticus would. Wanna hear my plan for life if I was on the run from the gods while keeping a magic sword that can’t get into wrong hands?
First I’d live in some large city. It is way easier to get lost in crowd than in suburbia. I might choose a completely unassuming name, somthing like John Smith or similar. Third I would get some kind of boring job that does not require a lots of human contact, night guard or some such (being a paranoid, supernatural nut-job I’d boost my income with some kind of larceny).
I would trap my apartment. Not living in a house would made this rather morally repugnant but Atticus is already a psychopath and thousand yars of paranoia would probably make care little for my fellow humans. So high explosives it is. Especially whatever the hiding place for the sword I’d choose would be throughly secured with those.
Fake papers for at least two alternative identities, few K in cash and all my most important possesions would be always packed and ready to take with me if I got a whiff of pursuit so I could change my location and start a new life elswhere.
That’s just off the top of my head. If I really had to get into this I probably could think of some more precautionary measures.
You sort of hit the nail on the head here. The last chapter and Atticus snarking at the Police were too much for me to go through after the first comment…
I wouldn’t. He lives in the US, which is predominantly Christian country and even with religious freedom enshrined in constitution there’s enough people who look at non-Christians and atheists with suspicion. Not being able to at least reasonably fake it is one more thing that breaks his cover and speaks to his paranoia being an informed attribute.
And I wouldn’t dock any points for that from someone else, but given who we are talking about I am feeling vindictive as hell.
Honestly that bit annoys me on so many levels. For one it once again it comes of a smug superiority, which is not earned by either Atticus as a character nor by Hearne as a writer making social commentary.
I hate to play devil’s advocate here, but I think you are being a bit unfair to Hearne. It isn’t just females who are stupid and terrible. Atticus is an idiot, his lawyer friends give him crappy advice that only works because universe turns around Atticus, polica are about as effective as Angelologists… The only thing females have going for them in the competition of the worst wrtitten is the sexualization.
If apple juice is a code word for hard liquor then I am with you…
Juracan on 3 June 2019, 20:42 said:
[sigh] Yeah…
Honestly I don’t think this excuse should apply to Aenghus, who clearly has at least a grasp of how police departments work? But it wouldn’t surprise me if that was meant to be the reason no one just straight up shoots Atticus.
Probs.
And those are pretty good precautions! And yet Atticus, who has the means to do all of that and more, does none of these things! He stays in one place and just gives stupid answers when the cops come around! Like you said, it’s not paranoia as much as complete and utter complacency.
To be fair, I don’t know if your average Christian could really talk much about the theology of Baptism, much less other sacraments? Yeah, it’s the dominant religion, but in many cases it’s more cultural than a deep understanding. I don’t know how much that applies to Arizona, where this book takes place though.
You’re right! All the male characters are pretty stupid too. Silly me.
It isn’t, I just really like apple juice that much. You’re welcome to bring liquor for next time though.
TMary on 30 September 2019, 13:52 said:
Honest and truly, I plan to comment on the current spork someday. Of course, by then you’ll probably have started on Hexed.
I overthink these comments, don’t I?
Anyway.
I’m honestly surprised that Atticus hasn’t.
Yeah, that doesn’t make any sense. Especially considering that if he needs to be sleeping outside, he’s probably badly wounded and has used up all the extra magic stored in his amulet, and is therefore more vulnerable than usual. So he has created a situation for himself in which the more vulnerable he is, the more danger he will put himself in.
Atticus…
This reminded me of something that really bothers me about this story, and it’s not directly related to this, but it’s along the same general lines. Atticus doesn’t have to sacrifice anything. He gets to live in his own nice house, in a neighborhood I’m sure a lot of people would kill to live in, runs his own business which happens to be the exact thing he is most interested in, keeps his eternal youth and health, never has to worry about getting hurt or dying, enjoys an active sex life with women he finds attractive, and even has his preferred breed of dog! He hasn’t had to give up anything that he wants in order to stay alive and away from Aengus. And obviously I don’t want people to suffer, but for the protagonist of a book, they kind of have to, otherwise it’s not very relatable. It’s no fun to read about someone facing trials that are easily dealt with and require them to give up nothing, because that’s not life and feels like a fictional character is rubbing their absolute success in your face, while here in reality, the rest of us have had to give up something that we cherished deeply at some point.
Of course, I guess the problem here is that I read books to experience a different person’s life, whereas Hearne seems to have written this book so that people could imagine that Atticus’s life was theirs. Paradoxically, the more disconnect I feel from a fictional character, the more I want to be able to relate to their story.
You didn’t even come back for the lemonade she was going to give you!
…
… …
There are five-year-olds who are more careful about hiding their prized possessions, and I know five-year-olds, I’ve been a five-year-old, their prized possessions are usually a funny-looking rock and a scrap of cloth they like because it’s got spirally designs on it! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU, ATTICUS?!
Actually, he should get a five-year-old to help him hide his magic sword. They’re cunning little blighters about hiding stuff. They’d definitely be better at it than he is.
Also, it’s “The sword was still lying where I had left it on the kitchen table”! Why doesn’t anyone know how to use the past perfect any more?!
You know, we went over how disturbing all this is, but something else just struck me. What size poodle, exactly, is Oberon picturing? ‘Cause standard poodles are pretty big, but miniature and toy poodles…even if he had average dog intelligence, I would not be okay with the idea of an Irish wolfhound male mating with a miniature or toy poodle female. Even a standard is a little iffy. Irish wolfhounds are really freakin’ big.
Also, there is no such thing as a French poodle, or more accurately, there is no such thing as a non-French poodle, since poodles were bred in France and all come from there, but that’s a minor nitpicky point.
This sentence demonstrated something else that I cannot stand about this book (besides the fact that Atticus is literally looking at blood and gore in his yard and going “Meh, I’ll deal with it later”). Atticus cannot get out of his own way and just tell a story. It has to be filled with thousands of his “witty” quips and “clever” observations. Obviously we’re in first person, and the character has to have a voice of their own – nobody likes a first person protagonist with the personality of an unsalted cracker – but the voice should not be intrusive. When someone you know, in real life, is telling you a story, I’m sure they have their own unique cadence and phrasing and choice of things to talk about, but are they constantly cracking jokes and drawing attention to the fact that they are telling you a story? I’m gonna guess no. Because that kind of person is annoying, and seems a little insecure, as if they really, really want you to think they’re funny and charming and are going out of their way to seem so. Like, just tell the story in your natural voice, and maybe you will be funny and charming without even meaning to.
It’s not like I think there’s anything wrong with a wisecracking narrator, I’ve read a few who worked very well, but they have to be able to shut up for five minutes and narrate a scene to us without any wisecracks, or else it gets wearing. And it doesn’t help that Atticus isn’t just a smart-aleck, he’s a mean smart-aleck who’s full of himself.
Basically, if a first person narrator with no personality is like an unsalted cracker, Atticus is like a salted cracker dipped in chocolate, topped with a healthy serving of olives, sauerkraut, kiwi, liver, watermelon, and hot sauce, and shoved into your unwilling mouth by an overeager, underexperienced cook.
This line is funny, because it’s not like I think Atticus doesn’t like Oberon – aside from feeding him terribly, he seems to take good care of him and enjoy his company – but I simply don’t believe he actually “adores” him. Hearne has not succeeded in making me believe that Atticus feels any genuine affection towards anyone, and, as I just ranted, he never stops making stupid jokes, so when he says something like this, it sounds incredibly insincere. Like he kinda knows he’s supposed to love his dog, and knows people say they love their dogs because they make them feel better when life is hard, so he’ll just echo that and maybe we’ll believe it.
Also, what you said.
You know, if we didn’t know that Aengus was working with local law enforcement, that might actually be a pretty good clue that something is afoot in the police department. But since we already do know, it falls very flat.
I’ll grant that this bit:
could’ve been chuckle-worthy if I liked the character at all. Of course, I am easily amused…
And his lines! He just flat-out sounds like he’s hiding something. “No I don’t own an Irish wolfhound. Oh, yes, I have one licensed, but he ran away a week ago.” A DOG WHO RAN AWAY A WEEK AGO IS STILL A DOG YOU OWN, YOU NIMROD. “Am I a suspect? I didn’t do it.” GEE, THAT DOESN’T SOUND SUSPICIOUS AT ALL. “Do you have an alibi?” “I wasn’t in the park.” ARE YOU TRYING TO GET ARRESTED?!
Sorry for the all-caps, but this conversation really got under my skin, too. He might as well be waving around a huge sign saying “Guess who committed a murder!” and we’re supposed to accept that he’s clever for it. I mean, he leaves the gore on his lawn visible! For no reason! He could just put the camouflage back on it, but no!
Not to mention, he comes across as a jerk. The police in this case have every right to be suspicious of him and every right to be annoyed, but he’s trying to play it as them being unfair to him, when they’re really not. And, as you rightfully pointed out, he did commit the crime they’re investigating him for! He could at least act guilty about it! But it’s like he’s completely forgotten that Oberon killed an innocent man and it’s at least half his fault!
You know, I just read a scene in P. G. Wodehouse’s Thank You, Jeeves, in which Bertie Wooster is also lying to the cops to keep them from getting into his house and discovering things he doesn’t want them to discover (namely, his best friend’s fiancée in his bed – and a passing familiarity with the works of P. G. Wodehouse will tell you that this really is not what it sounds like). Anyway, I was trying to work out why that one worked and this one doesn’t. I think first of all is that the Wooster books are farces, so the stakes are never really that high, and we can laugh at the situation without feeling like we should take it seriously. And then, too, the police are being a little unreasonable – the whole reason they want to search the house is because a window is broken at the back, and even after Bertie gives them an explanation for it, they think there might be “marauders on the premises”, and keep prowling around outside.
But I think the main thing is that we sympathize with Bertie. He’s not a Marty Stu who’s always on top of everything, never faces any consequences, and everyone thinks is amazing. He’s the exact opposite, in fact. And he’s a sympathetic character – not very bright, but a nice enough chap who usually means well. Plus, he’s always getting pulled into ridiculous situations entirely beyond his control, and that makes us feel for him. Then, too, he is entirely innocent of what the police are going to think he’s guilty of, should they get into the house, but he realizes that of course they’ll think it. So we actually sympathize with him trying to keep the police out, because we know he doesn’t really have another option.
Also, Wodehouse is just laugh-out-loud funny, all the time.
And I thank you for introducing me to them.
It’s not that I forgot, it’s that I don’t care. I mean, neither of them has very much personality, to be honest. I guess Hal seems slightly less murderous.
My, that really looks like you have nothing to hide.
This is kind of a weird and minor point, but I just suddenly wondered: Why is “werewolf” automatically a good thing if another non-human is involved? I mean, I guess they’re more likely to be on the lookout for supernatural stuff, but why is one non-human inherently a good defense against another one?
With a “shudder” and a shake of the head to get rid of the “grisly” idea, I noticed when I read the chapter. And that struck me as really odd. After a full eleven chapters of telling us how unaffected he is by blood and gore and death because he grew up in the old days when things were brutal, after killing the men on his own side in Irish prehistory, after fighting in Genghis Khan’s army, after murdering Bres with not a twinge of remorse, after shrugging his shoulders and going “c’est la vie” when the Morrigan killed and ate the hearts of those two stoners, after willingly making out with the Morrigan…now all of a sudden he’s going to get the shudders at the thought of her eating Bres’s body? Heck, last chapter he thought Leif was the bee’s knees for having ghouls on speed dial; last chapter he had no problem asking Leif to help him fight off the Fir Bolgs, even though he knew Leif was going to drink their blood! Last chapter he had no problem bleeding himself to pay Leif! And now all of a sudden the idea of the Morrigan eating Bres’s body is just too gruesome to contemplate? I’ll grant you that I don’t like the mental image at all – not least because it leads to some serious Fridge Horror when you remember the Morrigan making out with Atticus – but it seems very out of character for Atticus to be grossed out by it. It’s almost like someone told Hearne, “Hey, this guy seems pretty amoral”, and he decided to give a little token gesture to prove that he wasn’t.
OH MY GOSH IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE, IT KEEPS GETTING WORSE, HOW DOES IT KEEP GETTING WORSE, EEGEH-EEGIGIDEE—
I’m okay, I’m fine, I am entirely froody.
To distract myself from…that…I’m going to point out that she’s very flippant about the fact that Atticus just murdered a man on her front lawn, isn’t she? Not to mention, look what she wanted him to kill: Brits. Not British soldiers, just British people. Because…they’re British.
I know this is probably a lot to ask, but could someone in this novel please have some respect for the sanctity of human life?
Well, I can’t speak for anyone else, but I was just computer-less for a few months. You were fine :)
Granted, Mrs. MacDonagh’s accent is…it’s hurtin’ me, dude.
Although my brother did discover an excellent way of making her dialogue more amusing to read. Just insert the word “Irish” before every noun and drop in an “I’m Irish!” after every particularly stereotypical exclamation. Here, try it.
See? It’s hysterical! For extra bonus points, you can insert the adverb “Irishly” as the mood strikes you.
I’m sorry, Hearne? You want to run that by me again? It sounded like you said, “The Irish character regularly gets drunk in inappropriate situations for comic relief”, but I know that can’t be what you said, right?
It’s funny that I’m somewhere between your and Smith’s opinions on this. I have a hard time believing that he doesn’t really understand Christianity too, but then again, I have to admit that it is consistent. Also, your point about Christianity being more cultural for a lot of people in the states is a good one.
I got nothin’ else.
No, I’m with you. And it feels vaguely condescending, too. Like, there’s no chance they could be interested in his shop purely intellectually, or out of simple curiosity, and no chance they could be interested in other belief systems because they think they might be spiritually fulfilling – nope, it’s just ‘cause they all wanna have sex. Yeah, Atticus, I’m pretty sure that’s just you.
Although for one brief moment I thought he was going to say that they were all turned on coming into his shop because he himself was hot. So it could have been worse.
I suddenly wanted to bring up the fact that way, way back in the chapter of pillow exposition, when Flidais jumped out of bed disgusted with Atticus for “consorting with the undead”, he kinda just lay back and admired her naked. Which…ew, but also kinda feels like, if not outright infantilization, then at least a very condescending view on his part. Like, if someone is angry with you, you should take it serious, but especially if that person is a goddess. But he very clearly did not think her anger was anything to worry about. Granted, he never really seems like he worries about anybody’s anger, but at least with guys he isn’t straight up ogling them while also not taking them seriously.
Hello, fellow apple juice lover. I too am off to see if it is possible to get drunk off of non-fermented fruit juice. Or at least get a sugar high, or something.
This is now my new favorite turn of phrase.
I confess that exactly this justification jumped into my head at first. And to be honest, it wouldn’t be bad for him to have to be vulnerable like this from time to time, if it was treated as an actual danger and led to actual consequences. Instead it’s just a sidenote.
In-story that explanation makes sense. Out-of-story, though, it’s weird. I’d say it was Hearne showing off his learningz about Genghis Khan, but to be honest there’s not a whole lot of learningz being showed off, so it’s just…there. I guess he thinks it’s funny? And/or cool?
That makes an alarming amount of sense.
Hey, I brought Twilight up as a positive comparison. And Serafina and the Black Cloak. This book seems to be good at making us compare it negatively to books we really, really hate. Juracan, didn’t you briefly say Angelopolis did something better than this book?
In his front yard! Just sitting there, in plain sight, and the most he does is turn to the side to make sure it’s not directly in the cops’ line of vision and hope they don’t take off their sunglasses! And he could cast a camouflage spell on it – in fact, he already was – but he’s not now. For some reason.
I couldn’t make this up if I tried.
Seconded.
Off the top of your head, you’re a much better paranoiac than Atticus is after an alleged two thousand years of hiding from the Irish gods. Of course, I suspect the problem here is that Hearne really was writing this completely off the top of his head and didn’t put any more thought into it beyond that.
That’s basically this entire book, and I think it’s the single most infuriating thing about it, for me. It’s how blasted smug this little grease-stain on the dress shirt of humanity is.
True. Although I’m not sure that’s so much “playing devil’s advocate” as “soundly castigating the entire book for being equally terrible”, but I am all for that, so carry on.
Juracan on 30 September 2019, 16:48 said:
Back when Eragon Sporkings was a thing, the writer of that sporking did some side essays about books and writing and such, and talked about reading Dresden Files. And while she admitted that it wasn’t really her thing, she admired that as the series goes on, the Plot puts the protagonist through the ringer, raining crap all over him and making him miserable, so that even though he’s a powerful wizard, it doesn’t feel like he gets whatever he wants.
My sister’s college roommate? Now has a kid? Who is like a toddler? And he apparently stabbed his sister’s doll with a kitchen knife and then went and put the knife back on the counter.
A toddler is better at covering his tracks than Atticus.
I’m going to assume he’s picturing an actual poodle. It is acknowledged that Oberon is a very large dog several times in the text, so I assume Hearne knows something about dog breeds. That might be a generous assumption, but until he shows otherwise I’ll give this one to him.
I mean… yeah.
Pick a famous comedian who is known for telling stories about his or her life. Usually the main joke is the punchline, but the entire narrative is still amusing. Not because the entire thing’s filled with jokes, but because the content of the story being told is funny. And even if it’s not, the way they tell it is. But that’s different than stopping and making a joke every other sentence. That’s not comedy, that’s trying way too hard.
This works for many of the dramatic “reveals” in the book. So many of them act as if they’re dramatic, when they’re stuff we know already.
The chapter I just sporked has a couple of moments like that. It’s like someone in the process told him how terrible Atticus sounds, and instead of reworking the entire thing to make him better, there were just a couple of times he taped on “sympathetic” moments where he remotely acts like an ordinary human being. Except in light of everything else, it doesn’t work.
Isn’t hatred for an entire nation of people HILARIOUS?!?
[No. No it’s not.]
Look the only life our main character cares about is his own. And maybe his dog.
Oh dang, that is good! Maybe next time I’ll apply it!
Also! The adding of “Irishly” reminds me a bit of “Harry Potter Becomes a Communist,” a parody fanfiction in which we see the narrator say stuff like “proletariatly” or “capitalistically.” So I might start doing that too, because it’s hilarious and makes this more bearable.
It’s the shiz, man. Apple juice is my drink of choice.
TMary on 1 October 2019, 23:17 said:
Exactly! If the main character gets everything they want, then the happy ending doesn’t even feel earned. It’s just feels like…more of them getting what they want.
…Tell her to watch that kid. XD
Or maybe not. After all, I framed my brother for coloring on one of my toys and tried to kidnap the neighbors’ dog when I was five-six, and I turned out all right.
But yeah, a toddler, just following his instincts (and possibly what he’s seen in a movie), is better at paranoia than Atticus.
But you know, it just dawned on me that I don’t even like the use of the term “paranoid” here? Paranoia is an extreme and irrational belief that people are out to get you, in the absence of any evidence, to the point of falsely accusing people of plots against you, or suspecting someone accidentally hurting you of doing it intentionally. It’s not healthy, and it’s not a state one should aspire to reach. Atticus knows there are people out to get him and he can’t be too careful, and while I can believe that knowing that might lead to a somewhat paranoid mindset, in his situation he should be cautious, he should be mistrustful. That’s not paranoia, that’s perfectly understandable.
And yet he can’t even do that!
That’s fair, I just suddenly got alarmed.
The first thing that popped into my head was a (very, very, very NSFW) Robin Williams monologue about parenthood which had me rolling all the way through it, and I realized that that’s it! That’s why it was funny! Because he wasn’t trying to Come Up with Funny Things to Say; he was just…talking about funny things in a funny way.
Oh, yeah, I saw that. I’ll have words for those when I get around to it – somewhat strong words in one case, because it came a little too close to my own personal experience.
Hatred for an entire nation of people that stems from highly traumatic personal experiences that are a fictionalized account of recent painful history! It’s just one yuk after another around here!
Oh, I gave up on him around Chapter…Four, tops. At this point, I’m just hoping for somebody. Anybody.
Glad we could help :) After reading Chapter Eighteen, I figured you could probably use something like this.
Faux adverbs are so much fun.
Apple juice lovers of the world unite! high-five
Juracan on 5 October 2019, 18:48 said:
Nothing in this novel really feels earned. Again, this is something that might have been fixed if the protagonist didn’t already have the McGuffin, immortality and all his magic powers at the beginning of the story. Heck, it’d be a more interesting story if he starts with all those powers, loses them, and has to work to get them all back.
Oh, I have.
I hadn’t thought about this, but I fully agree. Which makes Atticus even more annoying? He has every reason to be cautious, and he just… isn’t. And the Plot rewards him for it.
TMary on 7 October 2019, 22:19 said:
Ooh, what if he lost them because he allowed them to go to his head and make him arrogant and self-serving? And, I dunno, the gods took them away till he could learn some humility and become a better person and proved he was worthy of them, and maybe by the end he even refuses to take them back because he’s learned that power isn’t everything?
It might at least be more interesting.
It was just something that struck me. I’ve been trying to cut down on saying things like “I’m depressed” when I’m actually just mildly upset, so I all of a sudden thought, “You know, this isn’t paranoia, maybe I should stop calling it that?”
And yes, it makes him way more annoying. This may be the most frustrating book I’ve ever encountered.
Sad story: There is no apple juice at my house just now, and it makes me very upset.