Dear Ms. Meyer,

Greetings. I am Kitty, ambassador of the Hive, and I come in peace.

We at ImpishIdea know someone, or several someones, who have accused us of just flaming your books rather than writing constructive criticism. Our rebuttal to that is “SHE’S NOT GOING TO READ IT ANYWAY, BUT OKAY, WE’LL TRY.” Here is a few suggested improvements to the Twilight series. They probably won’t be very constructive because today has been a very terrible day and good days are more conducive to giving useful advice.

Let’s start with your prose. First and foremost, the writing of Twilight sucks lobster telson, what with the purplebarf every other page or so—especially with Edward. Here is what I’m talking about:

Edward in the sunlight was shocking. I couldn’t get used to it, though I’d been staring at him all afternoon. His skin, white despite the faint flush from yesterday’s hunting trip, literally sparkled, like thousands of tiny diamonds were embedded in the surface. He lay perfectly still in the grass, his shirt open over his sculpted, incandescent chest, his scintillating arms bare. His glistening, pale lavender lids were shut, though of course he didn’t sleep. A perfect statue, carved in some unknown stone, smooth like marble, glittering like crystal.

Hesitantly, always afraid, even now, that he would disappear like a mirage, too beautiful to be real…hesitantly, I reached out one finger and stroked the back of his shimmering hand, where it lay within my reach. I marveled again at the perfect texture, satin smooth, cool as stone. When I looked up again, his eyes were open, watching me. Butterscotch today, lighter, warmer after hunting. His quick smile turned up the corners of his flawless lips.

I lightly trailed my hand over the perfect muscles of his arm, followed the faint pattern of bluish veins inside the crease at his elbow.

BLEHARGHEURGH.

This is a problem. You needn’t go the Hemingway route (oh ho ho I am so pretentious) and describe everything using the sparsest language possible, but please, this reads like a cheesy bodice-ripper novel minus the bodice-ripping and a quadruple helping of cheese to make up for the lack of sex.

Check out the first quote. Okay, Edward in the sunlight can be shocking. That’s fine. I mean, a vampire in the sunlight? That is shocking.

I start losing it around the point when Edward starts sparkling, and then I completely lose it when you describe him as all the synonyms for “shiny” you can come up with by licking a thesaurus. This purple treatment would be fine if you acknowledge that Bella is obsessive and seeing him as a sparkly David is just part of her unhealthy infatuation. But no, you never make it seem like a bad thing, or anything other than True Love™.

Additionally, her infatuation seems to be purely physical, as your prose suggests. This is also not good; lasting relationships can form out of physical attraction but they can’t be based on only that. It just doesn’t work out that way. Not that I’d know anything about relationships but I’m going off on a tangent1.

Uh. That was a long tangent, but do you catch my drift?

So, let’s look at the second quote. Hesitantly is used twice kinda close together, but I’ll try not to nitpick. … ‘kay. Even his lips are flawless. Come now, what do those even look like? The only flawed lips I’ve ever seen were ones that were bleeding, scarred, collagen’d, or coated in herpes.

And the third quote: okay, maybe he really does have perfect muscles, but I don’t quite know what those look like. Anyone in the audience want to flex so I can judge for myself? Anyone? No? Fine.

Okay, now this might be nitpicking, but his veins are blue.

His veins are blue.

(This made me freak the hell out and stab the book several times with a steak knife taped to a live clam. I hope you’re happy—my employers heard the ruckus and took away my rations for the rest of the week2.)

Is the venom blue? The vampires in Twilight have venom, not blood. You said so. Blood in human arm-veins is blue because it’s oxygen-depleted and is heading back to the heart and lungs for more. Is the venom in their veins oxygen-depleted? Are there little venom cells that carry oxygen round and round their cold, cold circulatory system, to and from their cold, cold hearts? Are the cells made in their venomous bone marrow? Do they have tiny venom platelets and tiny venom white cells that fight vampire diseases like fang cancer and glitter dysentery?

FRUSTRATION.

[cough] A little late, but here is a nice page of writing advice. Scroll down to item 5. See anything familiar there?

I rest my case!

The prose could be vastly improved by chopping out a load of adjectives that don’t need to be there. Most adjectives are just filler anyway—we already know what Edward looks like (kinda), so you don’t have to describe him at every turn. Also the statue simile got old the third time.

Now let’s talk about your vampires, since I’m kind of going down that road anyhow.

To put it simply: your vampires suck bigger lobster telson. Don’t even call them vampires—if you’re going to have vampires, especially the pale, pretty variety, they better have the four mainstays of western vampirism…

  1. Fanged and pale (prettiness optional)
  2. Weak to direct sunlight and running water; can be killed with a stake through the heart (weakness to holy water and crucifixes optional)
  3. Drink human blood by slurping it out through their necks (drinking straw optional)
  4. Scary

Are the Cullens fanged? Nope. Are they pale and pretty? Yes they are. Unfortunately they lack any traditionally vampiric characteristics, other than the pretty ones, like DEATHLY PALE SKIN which I’m just wondering how that is pretty but what do I know. So far we’re not doing too well, huh? At least give them fangs. How could Edward bite the hellspawn monster Satan child out of Bella’s uterus when he doesn’t have fangs?

On that note, what possessed you to think that was a good idea? That was about the grossest thing I’ve ever read in a story, and I’ve read smut. CHOMP CHOMP MMM TASTY UTERUS. On that note, shouldn’t Edward have gone insane with hunger for her delicious freesia blood while he was chomping the Loch Ness monster out of her womb? On that note, why can they have children in the first place? Edward is a dead person, his sperm should have all been good and dead by the time he got around to fucking his girlfriend. Venomjizz cannot make babies. You fail biology forever. FOREVER. On that note, why did they wait to have sex til after they were married? Don’t you know teenagers don’t actually wait until they’re married unless they’re loveless, emotionally-stunted geeks3 or painfully religious, which neither of the main characters seemed to be? On that note, why was Edward still going to high school? High school is like four years of being molested with a cactus by the government—why the hell would he keep going even though he knows he’s not going to age and graduate? On that note, why didn’t Bella go to college and get a life before settling down? What the hell, Smeyer?

But I’m off on several million tangents again. Let’s get back to the list of vampire things.

Are they vulnerable to any of the things a traditional vampire is? No, but they can be killed by fire, so I guess that counts for something.

Do they drink human blood? No, they’re “vegetarian vampires4“. That one bad clan of vampires drinks human blood, but they’re BAD GUYS, you know, like actual vampires.

Are they scary? Hell to the no with potatoes and gravy. They sparkle. That is not terrifying, that is not wondrous, that is just stupid. STUPID. THE SPARKLING = STUPID. MAKE IT STOP

Give them some different name, some name that doesn’t already come with a lot of baggage and expectations. Make up an entirely new variety of creatures altogether, because these creatures aren’t vampires. It seems the only resemblances are occasional animal blood-drinking and pale skin.

I’d talk about your werewolves, but they have enough similarities with actual werewolves that I don’t think you’d need to mess with them too much. …Except for the imprinting thing. That’s kind of a creepy major disruption of free agency5.

Now for the last and most troubling issue: the characterization.

Bella amounts to a boring, generic high school female who has no spine and no life outside of her relationship with Edward. Occasionally she has flickers of bitchiness and whining, which I guess is a personality trait (??)…seriously, she lies all the time to people she’s supposed to care about—that is not admirable or even tolerable. The guys at her new school seem genuinely nice and friendly, unlike Ed (who is kind of a bitch himself), and she still turns them down, presumably because they aren’t pretty and mysterious6. She uses Jacob for attention and puts herself in danger on purpose just to hear Edward’s voice. She’s obsessed with Ed in a really creepy way. Flipping open the second half of Twilight and the rest of the series is proof enough.

To make us like a character, they have to be likeable first. Bella has few, if any, redeeming qualities—she has all the personality and bitchiness of a yellow jacket. She’s not the hero of the story, Edward is, and she’s just there to fall in creepy obsessive lust with him. And for reader insertion.

Also, you’re creepy. If Edward is your ideal man, you might have some untapped psychological issues. Or maybe you just like being dominated by jerks (I think there’s a club downtown for those sorts of people).

Let’s move on to Edward. Edward is kind of a psychopath, and lemme copypaste something so I can have maybe a little credibility. Context: Bella was accosted by some guys in the street, Ed comes to the rescue.

“Get in,” a furious voice commanded. […] It was amazing how instantaneously the choking fear vanished, amazing how suddenly the feeling of security washed over me—even before I was off the street—as soon as I heard his voice. I jumped into the seat, slamming the door shut behind me. […] “Put on your seat belt,” he commanded […] I quickly obeyed … But I felt utterly safe and, for the moment, totally unconcerned about where we were going. […] I studied his flawless features in the limited light, waiting for my breath to return to normal, until it occurred to me that his expression was murderously angry. […] “Are you okay?” I asked […] “No,” he said curtly, his tone was livid. […] “Sometimes I have a problem with my temper, Bella.”

At least he admits it. I think if I was frozen forever as a 17-year-old I would have mood swings a lot too, but he’s worse than most girls are when they’re PMSing. Seriously now. Sometimes he’s sickeningly nice to her, yet still condescending, and other times His Expression Darkens And He Gets Real Pissed™.

I don’t remember which chapter or anything it’s in, but I seem to recall him ordering her around a lot. That’s not because he cares, it’s because he’s a dick. True story.

Recap: if you were to re-write the series, I’d suggest the following things:

In conclusion, I need to go feed my snails.

Totally sincerely and not at all sarcastically yours,

Kitty Eulalia
Hive Ambassador

1 I mock bad stories because I am a loveless, emotionally-stunted geek

2 SEND HELP

3 i.e. me and this entire site

4 “Vegetarian” used here means “pussified”

5 Jacob imprinting on Bella’s daughter = HEURRRRRGH

6 This is not the reason I have a crush on the Prince of Persia—nope, not at all.

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Comment

  1. SlyShy on 26 February 2009, 02:58 said:

    Kitty makes a great point about the use of the word “flawless” (among many others). It’s a subtle point, but flawless is a negative descriptor, describing an object in terms of what it is not. This kind of description takes a lot of care though, and works only if your reader has a good sense of the general object already. For example:

    It was not like a squid.

    That doesn’t describe diddly-squat. On the other hand:

    The arm was not muscled.

    works because we know generally what an arm is like. Negative descriptions only work when we have a stereotyped idea of what the object usually is like, and then find out it isn’t alike in a certain way. In Kitty’s case, she doesn’t have a good idea what the flawless lip would be, and I sort of agree. Obviously, when SMeyer writes flawless lips she means, “Insert the lips of your favorite guy to fantasize about”, because Edward is basically a stand in for that guy.

  2. Ty on 26 February 2009, 03:06 said:

    “High school is like four years of being molested with a cactus by the government”

    Kitty, you rock. You rock monstrously. I rest my case.

  3. SubStandardDeviation on 26 February 2009, 04:24 said:

    No, but they can be killed by fire, so I guess that counts for something.

    No, it doesn’t. Normal humans can also be killed by ripping them apart and setting them on fire, but aren’t weak to sunlight, holy water, etc. which are real vampire weaknesses.

    she has all the personality and bitchiness of a yellow jacket
    You dare compare Bella to a yellow jacket? The Hive is displeased…

  4. Kitty on 26 February 2009, 04:29 said:

    We’re not a hive of fuckin yellow jackets. I hate those.

  5. Ari on 26 February 2009, 07:06 said:

    I too hate yellow jackets. D:

    Meyer should totally totally read this, though. nodnod

  6. OverlordDan on 26 February 2009, 07:56 said:

    ALL HAIL THE HIVE!!

    This made my morning, almost choked on my breakfast sammich. You think milk coming out of your nose is bad…

  7. falconempress on 26 February 2009, 09:24 said:

    government cactus molestation FTW.

  8. Amelie on 26 February 2009, 12:26 said:

    Oh my dear lord I am rolling on the floor in tears. And it’s all so very, very true. Especially the part about being molested with a cactus by the government.

  9. Juniper on 26 February 2009, 13:23 said:

    High school is like four years of being molested with a cactus by the government

    My favorite part. You are good at this, Kitty. What will you do when Twilight inevitably fades out of popularity? I suppose you’ll never have an end of bad fiction to snark… :)

  10. Apep on 26 February 2009, 15:10 said:

    THE SPARKLING = STUPID. MAKE IT STOP

    Oh, please god, make the hurting stop.

    “Venomjizz cannot make babies. You fail biology forever. FOREVER.”

    Vemonjizz. Now there’s a disturbing image.

    Kitty, you have made my day.

  11. The Drunk Fox on 26 February 2009, 15:59 said:

    Normal humans can also be killed by ripping them apart and setting them on fire, but aren’t weak to sunlight, holy water, etc. which are real vampire weaknesses.

    To be fair, being stabbed through the heart with a wooden stake would also kill a normal human.

    Anyway, great article, Kitty. I was in class the first time I read it, and I had a really, really hard time keeping myself from laughing at some points.

  12. Corsair on 26 February 2009, 17:49 said:

    Uh, the running water part? Yeah, that one is about as often used as, say, the Vampiric weakness to garlic, although at least that one gets mentioned. The only time I’ve ever seen Running Water used was in the ‘Legacy of Kain’ series, and in the later installments, some of the Vampires can swim and stuff like that. Not sure if Kain can, though. Raziel could, but he wasn’t really a Vampire at that point.

    Sunlight is really the only universal Vampire weakness, it being either draining to their powers (Dracula, primarily) painful and disorienting (Supernatural, for example.) or instantly fatal. (Vampire: The Masquerade, many others.)

    But most of you already knew that.

  13. Dan Locke on 26 February 2009, 17:53 said:

    It’s nice to be homeschooled.

  14. Kitty on 26 February 2009, 18:05 said:

    Corsair, no one cares.

  15. Ty on 26 February 2009, 20:46 said:

    In this case I think the only thing that anyone cares about is, what will kill Edward, and when will somebody do the world a favor and use it?

    Or perhaps it would be more efficient to just bar contact between Ms. Meyer and any individual known to be involved in the publishing industry. Some sort of lovely coding system could be constructed for said purpose: “Red Alert! Red Alert! The Giant Adjective has been seen with a manuscript in the company of a Printing Press! Dispatch backup immediately to prevent the world from being drizzled in sparkledust!”

    A little obvious but ultimately effective.

  16. Spanman on 26 February 2009, 22:13 said:

    Kitty, you never fail. Now I have to read it over again and snicker some more. ^^

    @Dan Locke: You too?!

  17. SlyShy on 26 February 2009, 23:50 said:

    Spanman,

    I think there are a lot of us here. :P

  18. CometStorm on 27 February 2009, 00:52 said:

    OHMYRESURRECTEDSONOFGODANDIMEFFINGATHEISTAHAHAHAHAH!

    I almost had to stop halfway through and use the restroom.
    :3
    I was going to go through and high-light the parts that I loved, but then I realized I almost had everything cntl+c’ed. BRAVO!!!!

    One thing, though:
    Blood in human arm-veins is blue because it’s oxygen-depleted and is heading back to the heart and lungs for more.
    This is actually NOT TRUE (I almost cried when I found out, so many years of being lied to! What else have people lied to us about?). Blood is always various shades of red. It is a bright red when the hemoglobin in our red blood cells have bonded with oxygen (so the red blood cells can carry it throughout the body), and is a dark red, similar to maroon, when it lacks oxygen. The only reason blood appears blue when we look at it, is we are viewing it through our skin, and due to wave lengths and fracturing and BLAH BLAH BLAH, I’m just not going to go into explaining it any further (I don’t really remember the rest and nobody is listening anymore so…). Sorry to burst anyone’s bubble.

    Although, I guess it doesn’t really matter, because it appears blue, so it is blue, but I won’t get into the…

    TANGENT. I’m done.

    Wonderful work Kitty. Whoever chose you as the ambassador did a good job.

    DONE. Meh.

  19. SlyShy on 27 February 2009, 01:09 said:

    Wonderful work Kitty. Whoever chose you as the ambassador did a good job.

    The hive always does a good job.

  20. Corsair on 27 February 2009, 01:33 said:

    Yeah, I know no one cares, but I spent good time absorbing that useless knowledge, and you dang ol’ kids ‘ll listen to it if it’s the last thing I do.

  21. The Drunk Fox on 27 February 2009, 01:50 said:

    Do we have to get off your lawn too, Corsair?

  22. Kitty on 27 February 2009, 01:51 said:

    Comet: “blue” is an easier way of explaining what you said. :B Blood would have to have, say, copper or cobalt to be a different color, rather than iron…which is red. Reddish red. Reddy reddish redly red—

    also cuttlefish have blueish green blood

    is that not awesome

    i think it’s awesome

    No one cares, Kitty.

  23. CometStorm on 27 February 2009, 02:10 said:

    Yeah, I know no one cares, but I spent good time absorbing that useless knowledge
    A common hobby! You know, we should get together and share useless and knit or something.

    Never mind, that sounded stupid. Plus, I hate knitting.

    “blue” is an easier way of explaining what you said. :B Blood would have to have, say, copper or cobalt to be a different color, rather than iron…which is red. Reddish red. Reddy reddish redly red—
    Haha, I concede. That is true.

    cuttlefish have blueish green blood
    Really? That’s awesome. It’s probably just me, but whenever I envision a cuttlefish, it is always skirting around, whispering, “Scuttle, scuttle, scuttle.” Um… yeah.

    Grasshoppers have yellow, mush-colored blood. But that just makes them look like boogers when you try to eat them…

    Yum! :3

    Haha, I often get (what I call) nerd-rage. It is where I happen upon some completely useless, fantastical fact (usually, on the Discovery Channel or History Channel), and I basically become spastic and info-dump on everyone in the vicinity.

    How do you quote phrases? All the html codes in the textile help link fail to produce a box.

  24. Kitty on 27 February 2009, 03:13 said:

    it’s not html so there is your problem

    like this is made by a bq. followed by the quoted text

    and if that’s not what you’re looking for, ignore me

  25. CometStorm on 27 February 2009, 03:25 said:

    K’thanks!

    You’re right, it’s not html codes, but I didn’t know what else to call the stuff in the “Textile Help” link.

  26. falconempress on 27 February 2009, 07:20 said:

    oh i know what would kill Edward (evil snicker)

    BAZOOKA!!!!

  27. SlyShy on 27 February 2009, 09:50 said:

    But the warhead would have to be loaded with millions of burning shuriken to ensure that Edward is “ripped to pieces and set on fire”. Perhaps this is doable. Too bad Edward could dodge missiles, odds are.

  28. Juniper on 27 February 2009, 11:13 said:

    I think there are a lot of us here. :P

    Hmm…[scans horizon for signs…]

    The bazooka would work if someone was distracting Edward with a slideshow of Bella’s thoughts. He’d be unaccountably engrossed.

  29. Snow White Queen on 27 February 2009, 20:01 said:

    Oh, god, Kitty, you are my hero.

  30. Rand on 1 March 2009, 13:25 said:

    “sparkly David” Hmm…

    Very, very funny. Good job! Additionally, reading the Writerisms and Other Sins article, I am unhappy to report Smeyer has used every bullet of item five (heart-shaped face, mirrors) to the letter. Major oops.

  31. Snow White Queen on 1 March 2009, 17:20 said:

    One day, Kitty should make a picture of Bella with an actual heart for a face and see how good it looks.

  32. SlyShy on 1 March 2009, 17:23 said:

    It might look like this…

    From: http://8th-circuit.com/?q=node/350

  33. Kitty on 1 March 2009, 17:25 said:

    THE RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY

  34. Legion on 1 March 2009, 17:26 said:

    @Sly: That is fucking epic win.

  35. Snow White Queen on 1 March 2009, 18:09 said:

    Wow. Just wow.

    Anyway, I was thinking more along the lines of ‘sticking an actual human heart on top of a body’ but this works too. Nice color coding.

  36. Juniper on 1 March 2009, 21:10 said:

    When I read Twilight I had a picture of Bella in my head. Then I saw a picture of Smeyer. A quick google search gave me the cryptic answer “MarySue” and I plunged into the bunny hole, never to emerge again.

  37. Octie on 2 March 2009, 02:20 said:

    I’ve seen this before…and it still hurts.

  38. WiseWillow on 3 March 2009, 12:10 said:

    Oh, the agony. The Mary Sue must die! (Grabs a flamethrower) Anyone want to go Swan hunting?

  39. Moonehs on 5 March 2009, 13:44 said:

    raises hand and waves wildly I’LL JOIN!! grabs a bazooka

    Kitty, this is epic. I would type more, but Twi-tards are trying to bite my head off right now…

  40. lookingforme on 5 March 2009, 17:42 said:

    Hehehehe…very nice. It made my (very late, very tiring) night!
    Although I think that high school is more like four years of the government rubbing cacti in our eyes—I am soooooo tired right now, I’m pretty sure I’m seeing things, and I would not be surprised if my eyes fell out of my head. TWO effing essays in one night. TWO!!!! And I planned my time out as well…sorry.
    Tangent. No one cares about my non-life anyways.
    I think the IB should go and die. It would do me a HUGE favor. But that’s just me.
    Great article, and keep them coming!

  41. Kismet on 8 March 2009, 20:10 said:

    I give this article a resounding WHOOOOOO! :D

  42. Emma on 9 March 2009, 06:06 said:

    Venomjizz is my new favourite word :) i shall never tire of this article.

  43. Isabella on 18 March 2009, 01:03 said:

    Venomjizz? That could catch on…

    Everything said in this little article is completely true. I was laughing the entire time because it was so true. Everything from the veins to the pregnancy to Bella’s character. It’s all so true. Very well said, Kitty. And very funny as well.

  44. Christina on 5 April 2009, 10:38 said:

    Sorry, this was too long so I just skimmed it, but it is pretty hilarious that people try to give Stephenie writing advice. Yeah, when you write your OWN best-selling novels, THEN your advice will be useful. Until then, who cares? her writing is FINE. Get over it and use your time mentoring young, unpublished writers if you really wanna help, instead of writing snarky “advice” for famous, well-known authors.

  45. Diamonte on 5 April 2009, 11:06 said:

    Just because we have not been published yet does not make our advice invalid. Some of us don’t write to become published – we write because we love to do so. There are plenty of crappy things that have become famous over the years, and I’m sure I don’t have to list all the ridiculous pop culture fads from over the years. The exact same author of this article, Kitty, already wrote a piece about the “UR JUST JELOUS” argument.

    http://impishidea.com/criticism/356/why-don-t-you-go-write-a-bestselling-novel

    I really hope to hear your reply, Christina. – Dia

  46. Tessa Cai Halmshaw on 6 April 2009, 01:13 said:

    For god sake! Yuu are obviously a person with no LIFE no LOVE and no FRIENDS! Why the hell do yuu have to knock something other people like just cos yuur a fascist bitch ?! GET A LIFE CHICKY! Cos yuu obviously don’t have one if yuuv gott enough time to piss around with everybody else’s.
    The only thing yuu can do is criticize, if yuu can write even half as well as Stephenie then ive been proven wrong but II DOUBT IT!
    Leave her alone, at least she makes more money then yuu do, even ii do that .. I’m FIFTEEN!

  47. Cookie :P on 6 April 2009, 05:41 said:

    I personally like Twilight, however Kitty you make some very valid points.. and Tessa and Christina everyone is entitled to their own opinion and if you are one of the people who thinks something is awesome just cause everyone says so, you need to have a GOOD look at yourself in the mirror… Hmmm

    Hilarious Kitty.. Job well done :P

  48. Lisa on 6 April 2009, 08:43 said:

    Em excuse me but who do u tink u are!!!wat maks u tink u hav d rite 2 critise sumtin dat alot of ppl love and Cookie :P yeh evry1 has d rite 2 der own opinon but not wen it offends alot of ppl dey dnt no u say u lik twilight den u wud no dat dese tings smeyer has cum up wit are calld original ideas!! sweetheart vampires dnt exist so dey can b wateva ny1 wants dem 2 b dey can luk how ppl want dem 2 luk act d way ppl want dem 2 act drink wat dey want and do wat dey want so who are u 2 critise stephanie’s vampire’s which happen 2 b d best kind so far wit d followin dey hav!!! and Cookie :P eh dat lil comment bout tinkin sumtin is cool just cause evry1 says it is how dare u say sumtin lik dat y did u read d books i mean how hypocritical did u jus mak urself out 2 b and so wat if she did read dem cos sum1 tld her dey wer gud dat dusn mean she has formd her opinion on dat it jus means she tuk sum1’s advice and read dem and jus happened 2 lik dem so u hav no rite 2 critise ny1’s opinion i mean here u are sayin evry1 is entitled 2 der own opinion and den u go and critise sum1 else’s how is dat fair!!!! and eh stephanie is a mourmon sex isn allowd until marriage dats y its not in d book until after dey get married if u researchd a lil mre instead of jus jumpin in after readin u wud no dat!! i no d books arnt evy1’s favorite im not sayin dey hav 2 b but ders no need 2 critise sumtin jus cos u dnt lik it and hav a weird obsession wit blood thristy killers get over urself ur not dat important and al u are doin is upsettin alot of ppl!!!! and so wat if stephanie uses 2 many adjectives dats d way she writes wen u release a world wide best seller den u can critise or wen u become sum1 who’s opinion matters den il listen until den keep ur snide lil comment 2 urself!!! also it may b obession wit bella and edward but it turns in2 love dats how stephanie see’s tru love its wat u want it 2 b dats wat stephanie wants it 2 b and breaking dawn if u had paid ny attention reading new moon and eclipse u’d no edward got over his thirst for bella’s blood wen he thought she was dead dats y her blood dusn send him wild in breaking dawn bella is 2 important 2 him for dat 2 happen so jus d fact dat u can say get rid of breaking dawn cos u find it disgusting jus means u dnt truly understand wats goin in d book alot mre ppl alot mre important ppl understand it and lik it so y shud dey get rid of a book cos u didn lik it lik i said get over urself!! u dnt lik d book fine ders no need 2 b harsh!! ur opinion matters but next time u shud keep it 2 urself cos ur upsetting and lot of ppl jus because u dnt no wat love is!!!

  49. Legion on 6 April 2009, 15:33 said:

    Dear Lisa,

    TL;DR. D=

    Love,
    Legion

    PS: Plz troll moar bttr.

  50. Gildor on 6 April 2009, 16:00 said:

    “because u dnt no wat love is!!!”

    Obsessing, stalking, drinking tears and drinking blood?

    Yeah…true love.

  51. Puppet on 6 April 2009, 16:12 said:

    Sorry can’t understand you fans when you thalk lik thif, THAPHIRERS!

  52. Legion on 6 April 2009, 17:47 said:

    I remember a while ago a person by the name of Anon wrote the following in the “Purpose of Criticism” comments:

    You would have no need to ‘jokingly’ suggest that fans are idiots for enjoying their books. Maybe once in a while—if it’s funny. Often it really isn’t genuinely funny anymore—it’s lame, and it seems like the laughter is not fueled by as much by amusement as by derision… What about continuously referring to readers of Twilight as Twitards? I can’t for the life of me see how that lameness can be considered laugh out load humorous anymore, unless you have a really constrained sense of humor.

    I didn’t respond at the time because I couldn’t be bothered to dig up some of the inane comments we’ve gotten from Twilight fans before which led to our adoption of the term “Twitard”. But this is a good opportunity.

    Em excuse me but who do u tink u are!!!wat maks u tink u hav d rite 2 critise sumtin dat alot of ppl love and Cookie :P yeh evry1 has d rite 2 der own opinon but not wen it offends alot of ppl dey dnt no u say u lik twilight den u wud no dat dese tings smeyer has cum up wit are calld original ideas!! sweetheart vampires dnt exist so dey can b wateva ny1 wants dem 2 b dey can luk how ppl want dem 2 luk act d way ppl want dem 2 act drink wat dey want and do wat dey want so who are u 2 critise stephanie’s vampire’s which happen 2 b d best kind so far wit d followin dey hav!!! and Cookie :P eh dat lil comment bout tinkin sumtin is cool just cause evry1 says it is how dare u say sumtin lik dat y did u read d books i mean how hypocritical did u jus mak urself out 2 b and so wat if she did read dem cos sum1 tld her dey wer gud dat dusn mean she has formd her opinion on dat it jus means she tuk sum1’s advice and read dem and jus happened 2 lik dem so u hav no rite 2 critise ny1’s opinion i mean here u are sayin evry1 is entitled 2 der own opinion and den u go and critise sum1 else’s how is dat fair!!!! and eh stephanie is a mourmon sex isn allowd until marriage dats y its not in d book until after dey get married if u researchd a lil mre instead of jus jumpin in after readin u wud no dat!! i no d books arnt evy1’s favorite im not sayin dey hav 2 b but ders no need 2 critise sumtin jus cos u dnt lik it and hav a weird obsession wit blood thristy killers get over urself ur not dat important and al u are doin is upsettin alot of ppl!!!! and so wat if stephanie uses 2 many adjectives dats d way she writes wen u release a world wide best seller den u can critise or wen u become sum1 who’s opinion matters den il listen until den keep ur snide lil comment 2 urself!!! also it may b obession wit bella and edward but it turns in2 love dats how stephanie see’s tru love its wat u want it 2 b dats wat stephanie wants it 2 b and breaking dawn if u had paid ny attention reading new moon and eclipse u’d no edward got over his thirst for bella’s blood wen he thought she was dead dats y her blood dusn send him wild in breaking dawn bella is 2 important 2 him for dat 2 happen so jus d fact dat u can say get rid of breaking dawn cos u find it disgusting jus means u dnt truly understand wats goin in d book alot mre ppl alot mre important ppl understand it and lik it so y shud dey get rid of a book cos u didn lik it lik i said get over urself!! u dnt lik d book fine ders no need 2 b harsh!! ur opinion matters but next time u shud keep it 2 urself cos ur upsetting and lot of ppl jus because u dnt no wat love is!!!

    You see, Lisa (owner of the text above), is a Twitard. No, she’s not a troll. We have already established that she sucks at trolling too much to be a troll. Lisa is both a) a fan of Twilight and b) characterized by subaverage cognitive functioning. Thus a Twilight fan who is retarded. A Twitard.

    Anon, please stop trying to defend people like Lisa. Your efforts are valiant no doubt, but it’s a losing battle when the people on your team shoot themselves in the feet everytime they post a comment. Not to mention, they tend make well-spoken people like yourself eat your own words. When I refer to people as a Twitard, I’m not “jokingly” doing so. When I say Lisa is a Twitard, it’s both appropriate and justified. So quit baawing about how we don’t play nice and how people like Lisa don’t deserve to be treated with derision. Lisa brings it upon herself and you just make yourself look stupid by trying to say she’s intelligent, which is obviously not the case.

  53. Juniper on 6 April 2009, 17:51 said:

    Lisa, can you please write some articles for this site? I think they need more articulate, well indented paragraphs like yours around here. And your spelling is positively revolutionary.

  54. Snow White Queen on 6 April 2009, 17:57 said:

    English teachers, commence pulling out your hair. ALL OF IT.

  55. Legion on 6 April 2009, 18:07 said:

    PS: Lisa, you should really quit being retarded (if you can help it). Anon is on your side and you’re making him look like an idiot! It’s like saying, “Yes, your honor, I killed him. I stabbed him dead then buried his body in my backyard,” when your lawyer is right next to you frantically trying to prove your innocence.

    Way to drag your own side down. No wonder all the defenders of SMeyer’s Twilight with even half a brain eventually get over their naiveté and come around to our way of thinking.

    No Lisa, I wouldn’t want to be on your team either. D=

  56. Puppet on 6 April 2009, 18:21 said:

    Sigh, I’m just damn frustrated that Twilight fans can’t speak or argue beyond “u r just a bunch of trolls u wish you could write like stpheny meyar.”

    Serously, I just want to hear a civilized argument where you present your views on why you think the books are good without talking like a throberly fthat man.
    Then I will present my views, really, if Twilight is defended by a bunch of people who have little or no brain power then doesn’t that show that only stupid people read and like Twilight?

  57. Diamonte on 6 April 2009, 18:23 said:

    Yeah, I ripped out so much of my hair that I turned bald after reading the 2nd sentence of that horrible paragraph. There needs to be some online translator to decipher chatspeak.=/

    Anyways, proceeding onwards. I don’t know how to quote on here, so you’ll just have to bear with me, guys. =)

    “yeh evry1 has d rite 2 der own opinon but not wen it offends alot of ppl”

    Umm no. Opinions are not limited to just stuff that is non-offensive. Rather, I’d say that opinions are MEANT to be offensive. They’re new, different ideas. If opinions could never be offensive, we would still be living in a time where racism abounded and sexism would be the societal norm. If you can’t handle an opinion, you need to grow up. Now, if we were throwing around ridiculous statements with absolutely no proof – like calling Stephanie Meyer a prostitute or something – then yes, I would understand why you would have such a problem with it. But we’re not. We’re discussing a book.

    stephanie’s vampire’s which happen 2 b d best kind so far wit d followin dey hav!!!

    Dracula. Lestat. Those vampires are actually decent vampires. Edward looks like a pansy in comparison.

    And this, dear children, is where I give up trying to translate what on earth Lisa said. I’m happy to debate with you, Lisa, but please, please, PLEASE use proper English, or at least make an attempt at doing so. If not though, then that’s fine too – it’s just weakening the arguments of the Twilight fans and making them look foolish. If that’s your mission, way to go.

    You’re succeeding. – Dia

  58. Reggie on 6 April 2009, 22:21 said:

    I call trolls. Legit defenses would be at least somewhat intelligent. They’re not too stupid to troll if they’ve gotten several people to get their panties in a bunch and write lengthy replies.

  59. Kitty on 6 April 2009, 22:37 said:

    Can’t be for real, yo. Nice try but be less obvious.

  60. Puppet on 6 April 2009, 22:47 said:

    Unless Twilight fans are really really stupid…

  61. Legion on 6 April 2009, 23:10 said:

    Trolls don’t write walls of text in 133t$p34k. I’m still of the opinion that it’s a srsbnss Twitard attempting to be a troll.

  62. SlyShy on 6 April 2009, 23:59 said:

    She left a legitimate email address, so I’m inclined to believe she is a real person. Plus there is nothing very “troll-ey” about her argument (assuming you can parse it).

  63. Jerk on 7 April 2009, 08:03 said:

    I think I just burst a blood vessel while trying to parse the words you just said.

    You are scum. Less than scum. You are moss on the underside of a boulder. You are a parasite to the rest of humanity. One day someone will lift up that rock, find you, and expunge you from existence. No one will mourn, because you are worthless. I spit on your grave.

  64. swenson on 7 April 2009, 08:21 said:

    holds head in hands I’m not even going to try to read that massive paragraph (can I call it that?), as it would likely make my head explode. So I’m simply going to assume it was really, really dumb. Which it was.

    I have actually, very surprisingly, met a fairly articulate Twilight fan. A couple of them, actually. I didn’t stand too close for fear their Twihard-ness would rub off on me, but it was very interesting. They mostly liked the books because Edward and Jacob are hot or something.

  65. ashley on 7 April 2009, 10:51 said:

    whats the point in dissing a book which probably the majority of people have enjoyed.and the whole point about the veins cannot be blue, get over that are vampires real um i don’t thinks so so why is it impossible to have the blue veins

  66. Juniper on 7 April 2009, 13:21 said:

    Ashley said: whats the point in dissing a book which probably the majority of people have enjoyed.and the whole point about the veins cannot be blue, get over that are vampires real um i don’t thinks so so why is it impossible to have the blue vein

    Translation: What’s the point of dissing a book which probably the majority of people have enjoyed? As far as your point regarding why veins cannot be blue, get over it. Are vampires real? Um, I don’t think so, so why is it impossible to have the blue veins?

    I did this so that anyone who wishes to make a full response won’t have to do both the translating and the reasoning. Hope it helps.

  67. Juniper on 7 April 2009, 13:26 said:

    Blast it.

    Ashley, I can see your point regarding the blue veins. If someone is writing fantasy it’s their world to twist. If Meyer wants Vampires to have blue veins that’s her call. However, Kitty was merely pointing out that there is no logical reason why this should be so. Edward has no blood. It was also one of the more minor points of her article.

    Also, I regard as precious my right to diss things that “the majority” like and enjoy. If I didn’t have the right to dislike popular things I wouldn’t be in America, would I? I think it’s an important part of our culture to be able to speak out against the things that bother, annoy and even offend us, even if they are beloved by the majority.

    Also, can you please use more capitalization and punctuation when you post next time? I had trouble getting through your paragraph and knowing where each thought began and ended.

    Thanks for your comment,
    Juniper

  68. Snow White Queen on 7 April 2009, 14:33 said:

    Now I know why my English teachers were such nitpicks about punctuation. Thanks, guys.

    Anyway, the blue veins weren’t very important to the entire gist of the article. However, the point about dissing what the majority likes…well, if people didn’t point out problems with what the majority was doing, we’d still be having slavery and women would have no rights whatsoever. So yeah…

    (Did someone else say this already? Sorry if I plagiarized your point)

  69. Kitty on 7 April 2009, 14:41 said:

    Just for the record, I know I have no life, no friends, no reason to exist, and I should probably go play in traffic at night wearing a ninja costume. Twifans need not remind me.

  70. Legion on 7 April 2009, 14:44 said:

    It amazes me whenever I see someone post “if you disagree with the majority opinion, you should keep it to yourself” as if it was a valid argument. For example:

    ur opinion matters but next time u shud keep it 2 urself cos ur upsetting and lot of ppl

    Why the hell do yuu have to knock something other people like

    whats the point in dissing a book which probably the majority of people have enjoyed

    I wonder, do you think like that because you’re naive and don’t realize that this is the internet where people can say whatever they want without being held accountable? Is it because you’re young and used to shutting up when “adults talk” and tell you not to go against the mainstream? Or perhaps it’s because you yourself are weak-minded, weak-willed, and lacking the courage to express an opinion that’s dissenting and nonconformist?

    Whatever your case may be, I pity each and every one of you. Sly and Kitty and every single contributer and member of this site know that their opinions are unpopular. But they have the guts to express them and tell the mainstream to do your worst anyway.

    It seems to me that you whom I quoted above and others who would make the same argument are spineless worms, too cowardly to express opinions because you’re afraid that others won’t like you afterwards. But just because you don’t have courage, that doesn’t mean you should be surprised that others aren’t so weak.

    So don’t try to apply your own hesitation, your own inner doubts, your fear of speaking out, and most of all, your cowardice to the people here. It’s not a valid argument and it’s not going to stop anyone here from saying what we want.

  71. Snow White Queen on 7 April 2009, 14:50 said:

    Quote Legion: I wonder, do you think like that because you’re naive and don’t realize that this is the internet where people can say whatever they want without being held accountable?

    Yay for internet anonymity!

  72. Diamonte on 7 April 2009, 15:10 said:

    applauds

    Legion, that should be on the main page of this site. Your post perfectly exemplfies everything that ImpishIdea stands for, which Twilight fans seem to be unable to grasp.

  73. Jerk on 7 April 2009, 18:14 said:

    So ImpishIdea stands for rebellion? Sweet.

  74. Cookie :P on 8 April 2009, 19:36 said:

    Umm, okay?
    I took one look at your paragraph Lisa and didn’t bother reading it. I would rather not fry my brain with all that useless chatspeak. I mean, is it really THAT hard to type “the”? Ergh. Also if being unable to form your own opinion on a book (other) is a good thing i think i will go lock myself in a cupboard now. That goes against everything i believe in.

    And, Lisa.. tell me this
    How is going specifically on a page that disses Twilight, just so you can have a go at all the people who dislike it (or not, full of faults yes, but i did enjoy it)not screaming out your opinion in a way that is offensive?

    Please, do grace me with your (properly punctuated/spelled) reply.
    I want to see you explain yourself without screaming (technically speaking) at everyone here online :P

    Thankyou and Goodday

  75. Lisa on 8 April 2009, 20:12 said:

    wats d point ur nutin but a pack of muppets!!! and eh il type wat eva way i feel lik typin not d way u want me 2 sweetheart!! and wat kind of an insult is troll nyway its sumtin my 4 year old niece wud say!!!

  76. Snow White Queen on 8 April 2009, 20:40 said:

    Muppets are cool. I call Kermit!

  77. Jerk on 8 April 2009, 20:57 said:

    I like the way you think Lisa. I think we should be friends. But I’ll need pics of you to decide whether it is a safe decision or not first.

  78. scary_viking on 8 April 2009, 21:18 said:

    and wat kind of an insult is troll nyway its sumtin my 4 year old niece wud say!!!

    It’s a common term on the internet for people who go to a discussion page or some similar thingy and mess around in aggravating, vulgar, and/or insane.

    Particularily annoying since most of them are intelligence people who just got really bored.

  79. Amelie on 8 April 2009, 22:09 said:

    A “pack of muppets”? I have to say, that insult is rather creative. Most people who choose to spell and punctuate in the same manner as our friend Lisa usually resort to throwing around boring old expletives in order to insult people. As if that hasn’t been done before. What can I say? I must give credit where it’s due.

    And SWQ, if you’re Kermit, I get to be Miss Piggy. She’s a beast. For realz.

  80. Cookie :P on 9 April 2009, 08:43 said:

    You can have Kermit and Miss Piggy..
    I want The Great Gonzo :P
    He is awesomness in a bottle..
    Hehe :P

    Nice to see you are coming back onto this page just to see what people are replying to you Lisa and yet you still decide not to answer my question while you judge everyone else.

    Bravo, or should i say Brava?

    Anyway, job well done honey
    Your 4year old neice must be very proud

  81. Puppet on 9 April 2009, 11:36 said:

    i sry lisa! i cant underthand what u r sayin an i stil don c wut u r geting at!

    No really, what’s your point?

  82. Jerk on 9 April 2009, 13:32 said:

    Shhhh… morons are usually hot. Don’t alienate them.

  83. Anti-Twilight-Enforcement-Squad on 12 April 2009, 02:13 said:

    @48:
    Please learn to not type huge walls of TXT speak and use proper English and spelling, if that is too hard, then perhaps my old first grade teacher can give you some spelling books to practice with.

    @81:
    Right before my brain told me to stop reading that large wall of……..something, I do believe that Lisa was basically trying to say “Don’t diss Meyer and her ultra-cool vampires.”
    unfortunately, my brain’s txt-english translator started to overload and I had to stop before I was done.

  84. FastChicken on 12 April 2009, 07:22 said:

    Venomjizz is my new favourite word.

    The chatspeak was a very /painful/ read. Had to take out my Twitardese for Dummies.

  85. aoibhneas on 12 April 2009, 09:47 said:

    Muppet, as in
    “yer a ry-eh mup-peh” (you’re a right muppet) = a classy term of ‘endearment’ used in certain parts of Ireland, most commonly, Dublin.
    I can’t spell phonetically but you get the idea.

  86. Nosferatu on 12 April 2009, 14:45 said:

    Muppet is a very common insult in the UK, referring to someone who has done something mildly silly. It’s usually a term of endearment, used against someone you like and don’t want to offend, which shows promise. If Lisa really hated us, she’d use one of the English language’s many four-letter words – albeit mispelled.

    And I call Rizzo the Rat. Aw yeah.

  87. fatima on 29 April 2009, 09:29 said:

    what the heck
    Twilight series is one of the best series EVER
    so dont critisize Stephenie Meyer
    If u dont like just dont read it
    and twilight is the best book in the whole series
    everybody says that

  88. CGilga on 29 April 2009, 16:34 said:

    I honestly didn’t know there was a best book in the series.

  89. T on 30 May 2009, 00:48 said:

    I’m sure Meyer would just be THRILLED to get that in her mailbox.

  90. Glirr on 29 August 2009, 16:01 said:

    Wow, that Lisa’s chatspeak is, like, so cool!

    Ahem. Did anyone notice that the more a poster claims to love Twilight the less coherent their speech seems to be?

    @Puppet

    “Sigh, I’m just damn frustrated that Twilight fans can’t speak or argue beyond “u r just a bunch of trolls u wish you could write like stpheny meyar.

    Serously, I just want to hear a civilized argument where you present your views on why you think the books are good without talking like a throberly fthat man.”*

    Actually, I can. I can come up with a Twilight argument that is at least half decent. It’s not necessarily very long or academic, and might deal more with the emotions of sad people rather than the writing/story itself. But, nevertheless, it’s an argument that makes use of the (more or less) proper spelling of simple words, and heck, I might even throw in a full sentence or two.

    The reason I don’t post it in here is because all of Kitty’s points are valid and mroe than a little funny. I see no reason to spoil everyone’s fun by coming up with intelligent arguments when there is Twitard bashing to be had. :-)

    @Legion
    I can’t believe you read enough of Lisa’s post to actually be able to comment on it. It made my retina’s bleed only a few words in…

    *Erm…I’m clearly not smart enough to make html quotes, so settled for the more conventional method…

  91. Lucy Gray on 4 November 2009, 16:57 said:

    @Glirr
    But I will try to make an intelligent argument.

    People, seriously.

    @the Twilight fans:
    Can you please just listen to what we are saying? Yes, this is our opinion, and yes, many of us have not published work, but that does not mean our advice is out of the question. I’m not going to dredge up old posts and cause a new riot, because frankly, I don’t feel like playing police/S.W.A.T and trying to break up the bashing. I once liked Twilight, and then my friend who had also read the series and disliked it from the start (Cometstorm, raise your hand) showed me this site. At first, I laughed from a mixture of what I found immature and to be straight out flames. When I actually took the time to read it, I found they made logical arguments against the writing. I went back the next week, reading the books over, and could not believe that I had actually read all of that. It was terrible. And please don’t tell me that I don’t know what a good book is. I do. And don’t say that I should go out and try to get something of mine published, because sorry to burst your bubble, but one of my works is actually going through the process of publishing.
    To the note about not stating offensive opinions, I must say, shame on you. Americans are all about stating offensive opinions. That’s how we became a free nation, that’s how we ended slavery, that’s how we started an end to discrimination, that’s how we came about to rock/punk music, that’s how Woodstock came about. Offensive opinions probably come out of your mouth every day, like ‘I really don’t like the school food.’ You probably just hurt the lunch lady’s feelings. Or if you say in class, ‘This is stupid. Why do I need to learn this? I’m not going to use it in life!’ Your teacher is probably doing their best to make the subject interesting and fun to learn. And yes sweetie, what you learn in history will help you in the future, so crack open that book and get to studying.

    Okay, I think I’m done. Hopefully.

  92. helvengurl on 7 December 2009, 15:48 said:

    “Em excuse me but who do u tink u are!!!wat maks u tink u hav d rite 2 critise sumtin dat alot of ppl love and Cookie :P yeh evry1 has d rite 2 der own opinon but not wen it offends alot of ppl dey dnt no u say u lik twilight den u wud no dat dese tings smeyer has cum up wit are calld original ideas!! sweetheart vampires dnt exist so dey can b wateva ny1 wants dem 2 b dey can luk how ppl want dem 2 luk act d way ppl want dem 2 act drink wat dey want and do wat dey want so who are u 2 critise stephanie’s vampire’s which happen 2 b d best kind so far wit d followin dey hav!!! and Cookie :P eh dat lil comment bout tinkin sumtin is cool just cause evry1 says it is how dare u say sumtin lik dat y did u read d books i mean how hypocritical did u jus mak urself out 2 b and so wat if she did read dem cos sum1 tld her dey wer gud dat dusn mean she has formd her opinion on dat it jus means she tuk sum1’s advice and read dem and jus happened 2 lik dem so u hav no rite 2 critise ny1’s opinion i mean here u are sayin evry1 is entitled 2 der own opinion and den u go and critise sum1 else’s how is dat fair!!!! and eh stephanie is a mourmon sex isn allowd until marriage dats y its not in d book until after dey get married if u researchd a lil mre instead of jus jumpin in after readin u wud no dat!! i no d books arnt evy1’s favorite im not sayin dey hav 2 b but ders no need 2 critise sumtin jus cos u dnt lik it and hav a weird obsession wit blood thristy killers get over urself ur not dat important and al u are doin is upsettin alot of ppl!!!! and so wat if stephanie uses 2 many adjectives dats d way she writes wen u release a world wide best seller den u can critise or wen u become sum1 who’s opinion matters den il listen until den keep ur snide lil comment 2 urself!!! also it may b obession wit bella and edward but it turns in2 love dats how stephanie see’s tru love its wat u want it 2 b dats wat stephanie wants it 2 b and breaking dawn if u had paid ny attention reading new moon and eclipse u’d no edward got over his thirst for bella’s blood wen he thought she was dead dats y her blood dusn send him wild in breaking dawn bella is 2 important 2 him for dat 2 happen so jus d fact dat u can say get rid of breaking dawn cos u find it disgusting jus means u dnt truly understand wats goin in d book alot mre ppl alot mre important ppl understand it and lik it so y shud dey get rid of a book cos u didn lik it lik i said get over urself!! u dnt lik d book fine ders no need 2 b harsh!! ur opinion matters but next time u shud keep it 2 urself cos ur upsetting and lot of ppl jus because u dnt no wat love is!!!”

    Oh god. grabs hydrocloric acid

    Okay, on your first point: Put politely, screw you. I have a right to my opinion, and voicing it, regardless of if it’s annoying, offending, and otherwise. We have freedom of speech and press, so if you don’t like it, don’t read it. Simple, really.

    @ Second point: Simple. She reads it for the LULZ.

    @ Third point: cough Original watering eyes Ideas? HA! This is such a peice of purple-prosed fluff, it’s ridiculous. All I can say is, if that’s an original idea, standards are WAY DOWN. What about JRR Tolkein? Huh? Oh, wait, I forgot. Twi-hards like you have no idea about good fantasy, romance, or otherwise.

    Alright, after that, I could descern no point other than somehow, Kitty is wrong for disliking it, voicing her opinion, upseting people with said opinion, and… well, I got the implication that drawing breath was one of her sins, too. Chatspeak is so hard to discern.

    And anyways, an obsessive stalker does not equal true love. It equals scary phone calls in the middle of the night, hacked internet accounts, paranoia, creepy people staring at you/kidnapping you/killing you. Not true love.

    End result, Lisa:
    No one cares. Stop reading if you don’t like it.
    Chatspeak translation for your miniscule brain:
    no1 cars!!! Stp redin, if u don’t liek it!!!!

  93. Tolly on 10 December 2009, 07:34 said:

    @ fatima: Oh pur-lease. Allow me to address your foolishness one point at a time, if you will indulge me.

    “what the heck”

    It’s the internet, sweetie, you’re allowed to say ‘Hell’ here. We won’t tell on you.

    “Twilight series is one of the best series EVER
    so dont critisize Stephenie Meyer”

    No, it really, really isn’t. Have you read Lord of the Rings? Tomorrow, When The War Began? His Majesty’s Dragon? Harry Bloomin’ Potter? Have you ever ridden the emotional rollercoaster of The Colour Purple? Giggled at a Discworld novel? Wept at the ending of San Diego Lightfoot Sue? (Alright, I admit that last one is obscure.)

    My point being, if you had ever read anything decent in your life, you’d see how frightening the rest of us find Twilight.

    “If u dont like just dont read it”

    Trust me, saying that you haven’t read it will get you abused just as much as saying that you read it and didn’t like it. I KNOW this, child.

    “and twilight is the best book in the whole series
    everybody says that”

    A.) For there to be a best book in the series one of them would have to contain something redeeming and B.) Everybody is wrong.

  94. Aldrea945 on 10 December 2009, 09:29 said:

    “Em excuse me but who do u tink u are!!!wat maks u tink u hav d rite 2 critise sumtin dat alot of ppl love and Cookie :P yeh evry1 has d rite 2 der own opinon but not wen it offends alot of ppl dey dnt no u say u lik twilight den u wud no dat dese tings smeyer has cum up wit are calld original ideas!! sweetheart vampires dnt exist so dey can b wateva ny1 wants dem 2 b dey can luk how ppl want dem 2 luk act d way ppl want dem 2 act drink wat dey want and do wat dey want so who are u 2 critise stephanie’s vampire’s which happen 2 b d best kind so far wit d followin dey hav!!! and Cookie :P eh dat lil comment bout tinkin sumtin is cool just cause evry1 says it is how dare u say sumtin lik dat y did u read d books i mean how hypocritical did u jus mak urself out 2 b and so wat if she did read dem cos sum1 tld her dey wer gud dat dusn mean she has formd her opinion on dat it jus means she tuk sum1’s advice and read dem and jus happened 2 lik dem so u hav no rite 2 critise ny1’s opinion i mean here u are sayin evry1 is entitled 2 der own opinion and den u go and critise sum1 else’s how is dat fair!!!! and eh stephanie is a mourmon sex isn allowd until marriage dats y its not in d book until after dey get married if u researchd a lil mre instead of jus jumpin in after readin u wud no dat!! i no d books arnt evy1’s favorite im not sayin dey hav 2 b but ders no need 2 critise sumtin jus cos u dnt lik it and hav a weird obsession wit blood thristy killers get over urself ur not dat important and al u are doin is upsettin alot of ppl!!!! and so wat if stephanie uses 2 many adjectives dats d way she writes wen u release a world wide best seller den u can critise or wen u become sum1 who’s opinion matters den il listen until den keep ur snide lil comment 2 urself!!! also it may b obession wit bella and edward but it turns in2 love dats how stephanie see’s tru love its wat u want it 2 b dats wat stephanie wants it 2 b and breaking dawn if u had paid ny attention reading new moon and eclipse u’d no edward got over his thirst for bella’s blood wen he thought she was dead dats y her blood dusn send him wild in breaking dawn bella is 2 important 2 him for dat 2 happen so jus d fact dat u can say get rid of breaking dawn cos u find it disgusting jus means u dnt truly understand wats goin in d book alot mre ppl alot mre important ppl understand it and lik it so y shud dey get rid of a book cos u didn lik it lik i said get over urself!! u dnt lik d book fine ders no need 2 b harsh!! ur opinion matters but next time u shud keep it 2 urself cos ur upsetting and lot of ppl jus because u dnt no wat love is!!!”

    I read three sentences, got bored, and just skipped to see if there was anything A) Coherent, B) worth depating over, and/or C) That wouldn’t result in something close to an outright insult.

    No such luck.

    If you’re going to flame, try depating instead. It’s more fun and sofisticated.

    The moral:
    Isn’t it smarter to leave antis at their work and NOT make yourself and most of the twilight forum look bad? If anything, it’s very rude.

    That, and bring an actual argument with you please.

    Thank you.

  95. Music Lover on 19 January 2010, 22:19 said:

    Wow! You guys really should get someone to translate. I, literally, couldn’t read some of those people’s comments.

  96. Casper on 1 February 2010, 19:47 said:

    shit, man. i guess i’m really not one of the cools kids. i do not comprehend chatspeak, thus i barely understood a word of lisa’s lengthy response there. no wonder she enjoys twilight so much. proper, grammatical english isn’t exactly her forte, now is it? else she’d be able to come back with an educated response above the level of a five year old.

    “and eh il type wat eva way i feel lik typin not d way u want me 2 sweetheart!!”

    omg. i got some serious lulz from that one there. sorry kid, but tyepin leik dis dsnt maek u look smrt, k? honestly, it makes you look like a fucking idiot.

  97. fffan on 8 February 2010, 06:05 said:

    (to get things more or less back on track).
    Nice work, kitty.
    I so wish Stephanie’s brother would let this things reach her precious, fragile eyes. Maybe then she’d actually improve. Maybe.

  98. Twilightlover on 18 February 2010, 18:20 said:

    Well, I’m a Twilight fan and I don’t think you see me typing like an idiot, do you? I find the Twilight series, however with some flaws, and enjoyable book. Please reply, I’m eager to see them.

  99. Danielle on 18 February 2010, 19:31 said:

    Please reply, I’m eager to see them.

    ….

    Eager to see what?

  100. Anonymous. on 18 September 2010, 17:07 said:

    This critisicm is ridiculous. Absolutely ridiculous. I think you have forgotten what literature is around for. It’s not around to WOW others with your use of figurative language, and it does not get graded. It is around to entertain. To tell a story and provide others with happiness. We’re not in high school anymore, Kitty. But by the way you attack her, I could only assume that you are a jealous and egotistical fifteen year old girl. Why is it, that for some odd reason, you believe that your literature is above and beyond everyone else’s? I do not recognize your name. I do not see anything special in the way you write. Are you even qualified to give criticism like this? I would assume not, considering your entire critique consisted of the use of harsh words and put downs. Which, honestly, came off to me as not cristism but an angry shpeel erupted out of nothing but pure jealousy that a book about vampires could gain so much popularity and literary praise. I’ll admit, I am a reader of the twilight series. And yes, I can side with you in the belief that it is overrated. But it’s not horrible. It’s catchy. It’s what the teens want. If you don’t like it, don’t read it. Simple as that. And if you must criticize a novel, please read up on what criticism first prior to doing it.

  101. swenson on 20 September 2010, 14:47 said:

    :)

    Welcome to II.

    Why do people constantly try to say that if someone isn’t a published author, they are unqualified to critique others’ writing? That’s as silly as saying that because Roger Ebert is not an actor or director, he can’t review movies. Or because Yahtzee isn’t part of a big-name game studio, he can’t review videogames. You can critique a dish at a restaurant without being a cook; you can review an opera without being able to sing; you can write a factually correct tirade against pretty much anything without actually participating in the creation of that thing.

    So to imply that because Kitty is not a published author, she cannot critique literature, that’s simply foolish and short-sighted. Don’t worry, this condition is treatable; I used to think the same thing too.

    Let’s see, what else… well, obviously, there’s nothing wrong with reviewing something you know beforehand you will dislike. It’s entirely possible to approve of the writing/characters of a book while still hating the subject matter.

    Finally, as to the manner in which this was written, which seems to be your biggest criticism of it, I think it’s quite clear the “letter” was intended to be humorous. Much has been said in a less inflammatory fashion, an awful lot of it on this site, so I think we can excuse one humorous one, can’t we? Twilight sometimes makes me want to go sob quietly in the corner; things like this help me cope. :D

    (oh, and going back to the “why don’t YOU go write a best-selling novel” thing, read this. Have a great day. :))

  102. Lucy Gray on 8 January 2011, 23:27 said:

    Okay so I put this into word and translated it. I wanted to actually try this.

    First off, the page lit up like a Yule tree. Pretty funny. But here’s the translation:

    Uhm, excuse me, but who do you think you are What makes you think you have the right to criticize something that a lot of people love, and Cookie :P, yeah, everyone has the right to their own opinion, but when it offends a lot of people, they don’t. Now you say you like twilight, then you would know that these things SMeyer has come up with are called ‘original ideas’!! Sweetheart, vampires don’t exist, so they can be whatever anyone wants them to be, they can look how people want them to look, act the way people want them to act, drink what they want and do what they want, so who are you to criticize Stephanie’s vampires, which happen to be the best kind so far with the following they have!! And Cookie :P, uh, that little comment about thinking something is cool just cause everyone says it is, how dare you say something like that! Why did you read the books? I mean, how hypocritical did you just make yourself out to be, and so what if she did read them cause someone told her they were good. That doesn’t mean she has formed her opinion on that, it just means that she took someone’s advice and read them and just happened to like them, so you have no right to criticize anyone’s opinion. I mean, here you are, saying everyone is entitled to there own opinion and then you go and criticize someone else’s. How is that fair??? And uh, Stephanie is a Mormon. Sex isn’t allowed until marriage, that’s why it’s not in the book until after they get married. If you researched a little more instead of jumping in after reading, you would know that!! I know the books aren’t everyone’s favorite, I’m not saying they have to be, but there’s no need to criticize something just cause you didn’t like it and have a weird obsession with blood-thirsty killers. Get over yourself, you’re not that important, and all you are doing is upsetting a lot of people!!!! And so what if Stephanie uses too many adjectives, that’s the way she writes. When you release a world wide best seller, then you can criticize, or when you become someone whose opinions matter, then I’ll listen. Until then, keep your snide little comments to yourself!!! Also, it may be obsession with Bella and Edward, but it turns into love. That’s how Stephanie sees true love, it’s what you want it to be. That’s what Stephanie wants it to be and breaking dawn, if you had paid any attention while reading new moon and eclipse, you would then know that Edwards got over his thirst for Bella’s blood when he thought she was dead. That’s why her blood doesn’t send him wild in breaking dawn. Bella is too important to him for that to happen, so just the fact that you can say get rid of breaking dawn because you find it disgusting just means you didn’t truly understand what’s going in the book a lot more people – a lot more important people – understand it and like it, so why should they get rid of a book just because you didn’t like it? Like I said, get over yourself!! You don’t like the book, fine. There’s no need to be harsh!! Your opinion matter, but next time, you should keep it to yourself, cause you’re upsetting a lot of people just because you don’t know what love is!!!

    (I took some liberty with this and added punctuation and some grammar to make it flow better)

    Not even three sentences in, and I started writing like her O__O

    So, here’s my response now.

    Who do I think I am?? Well, I won’t tell you my real name, but on here, I go by Lucy Gray. That’s also my tagname whenever I go spraypainting, but I guess you don’t need to know that.
    I have every right to criticize a piece of literature. That is a consequence every author must face when they go into publishing. It is a consequence I face every time I turn in an essay. We all learn – or should learn- in our high school years to expect to see our papers turned back into us with pen marks on the pages. Why is this? It is because we are presenting our views to someone else. And usually, the comments don’t even come back as marks on our opinion, but on the composition and flow of the paper. This is why we nit-pick about all the adjectives Ms. Meyer uses. It ruins the flow of the story, and it makes it hard on the audience to remember what the original point of the tangent was. This point was made by the book, “Turn Of The Screw”, and by many other Romanticism (not romance) novels of the mid to late 1800s.

    One idea that keeps popping up in every Twilight-fan’s argument is this thing about opinions. You command of us to keep our opinions to ourselves, while you trample all over us and scream to the world that Twilight and the whole series are the best EVER! This not only saddens me, but it scares me to see that people of my own generation are so willingly to trample upon my opinions and my first amendment right to free speech. I fight every day for my right to religion, as I am Wiccan. If people never had the right to express opinion that would offend others, I would be dead. This is not a joke. There would still be witch hunts inside the United States, and the witch hunts in India, Saudi Arabia, and Sub-Sahara Africa would be much more wide-spread. Now, done with that tangent, if I have no right to express a dislike for the series, then you have no right to express a dislike for the Books of Pellinor quartet, The Lord of the Rings trilogy, or any of C. S. Lewis’s books, including the Chronicles of Narnia. Why, you ask? Because I wound find it very offensive and upsetting.
    See how silly that argument sounds?

    About the researching; you may have wanted to do some of your own. Mormon was misspelling, and my computer didn’t even recognize it. Sorry. But you do make a valid point here, and I give you kudos for this. Yes, Ms. Meyer is a Mormon, so it is very possible that, writing from experience, she would be unable to write teenagers having sex before marriage. It would be a paradigm she just wouldn’t be able to see beyond due to her beliefs.

    Thank you for recognizing that not everyone likes these books. But I must ask, if you realize this, then how do you not also realize that with dislike, you will usually get people that will complain? And I am not someone who matters? I know many people that would argue against this, including my attorneys that will be defending me as ‘the governess’ in a mock trial based on the events in “Turn Of The Screw”. But t is often the little people than become big in history. I mean, look at Bernie Madoff (is that how you spell his name?). He started out as someone very, very unknown, working with AT & T. And yet he turned out to be the mastermind behind the largest business scandal of the 2000s

    What I believe Kitty was trying to say when she said to get rid of Breaking Dawn was, besides the fact that Edward eating out the uterus being beyond disgusting, was that there really was no reason for it. This is not just because I think that is was disgusting – which it was – but because the story had basically wrapped itself up by that time. We all knew that once Bella and Edward were married, Bella would become a vampire. We knew that Jacob would not be happy because the girl he loved would no longer be his. Yes, you would get the argument that you don’t know what happens to them later, but there is hardly a series that follows the main characters until they die – unless, of course, the whole point it that they don’t survive. My point is, it is considered good storytelling to let the audience project some of their own conjectures about what happens after the narrator leaves the story. This is what keeps a story with us for so long. This is how we feel connected to the characters, because they have never actually left. They are still living on in our memories, and they will die with us, just like a best friend.

    I am glad to see that by the end, you have – almost- come 180. You have finally agreed that we have our opinions. Great. But you are still saying we must keep them to ourselves. Sigh. I really thought you would end on a good note. But overall, you made some good thoughts. But please realize that by coming onto a site that is well known for strongly stating opinions of dislike towards this series and others. So while your attempt was good, the follow-through, technique, and style came up a little short. Please reply to this with more finesse. I would love to hear from you (no sarcasm)

    Sincerely,
    Lucy Gray

  103. swenson on 9 January 2011, 15:03 said:

    Your fortitude in working out what that said was impressive, Lucy. I applaud you (and your well thought-out response!)

  104. fffan on 9 July 2011, 00:21 said:

    If you don’t like it, don’t read it.

    If you don’t like her critique, don’t read it.

  105. BlueMask on 10 November 2011, 02:21 said:

    fffan- that’s so true.
    On another note, I keep seeing names that i recognise from my ancient days on Shurtugal fanfiction- helvengurl? swenson? Are they the same people, or just a coincidence? Can anyone help me?

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