A Note for Team Tesch: Criticism of your video, your website, your public comments, newsletter, and promotional tactics is protected under Fair Use of U.S. copyright law. I have the legal right to use portions of that video and quotations and screencaps from your websites for the purposes of both critique and parody, and I will use that right. However, if you would like to post any sort of response or rebuttal to my comments, you are welcome to do so. In the interest of fairness, I will publish them, complete and unabridged, alongside my own comments. Alternately, you can publish them on your own website and I will happily link to them.

Let’s begin.

Gloria Tesch, as you are probably aware, wrote Maradonia and the Seven Bridges at age 13. Being blessed with parents even richer than Christopher Paolini’s, her book was promptly self-published, sending her spiraling downward into a tailspin of egotistical narcissism and self-delusion.

And yes – her book is most certainly self-published. The publisher is listed as Liberty’s Book Press. Google it. They’ve published Maradonia, and nothing else.

the Tesch publicity machine of the past was an absolute fiasco

This quote is taken from a comment left on a YouTube video criticizing Gloria Tesch (the video has since been removed due to a copyright claim filed by Team Tesch). One of these comments was signed “AF”, and they mentioned that if you wanted to find out more about him, to follow the link to Tesch’s website. This strongly indicates they were left by Andrew Fisher, who designed Tesch’s website. I have to agree with Fisher’s assessment.

Like Robert Stanek, Tesch began trying to publicize her book through internet sockpuppetry. Unlike Robert Stanek, she wasn’t very successful at it. For awhile, she spammed Yahoo Answers trying to pass herself off as the World’s Youngest Novelist, which is demonstratively untrue. When critics pointed out that other authors had published books at a younger age, Tesch responded by saying she was the youngest “real” novelist because her books were 800 pages long, which in hindsight is rather funny after she re-released the Maradonia trilogy by splitting each of the books in half and turning it into a six-book series. This is also funny because the real reason for the books’ high page count is their enormous font sizes, large margins, random gaps in the text, and short chapters which pad the page count considerably. More importantly, Tesch is not a real novelist because her books were never actually published – they were self-published through a vanity press.

In the past, many critics, and I admit I have been one of them, have cheerfully assigned much of the blame to Gloria Tesch herself. However, I have amended my opinion, now choosing to assign much of the blame to Tesch’s parents. While I’m certainly in favor of parents encouraging their children, I’m also in favor of parents keeping their children honest and helping them improve their writing and maintain humility. If one’s parents proclaim one a child prodigy, and shelter one from all forms of criticism, what motivation does one have to improve one’s writing? Absolutely none. Tesch’s parents have been throwing money at Gloria’s writing since she started. And because of this, Tesch has kept on going under the belief that her writing is brilliant and she has hundreds of fans…although I have not seen any evidence that she has any fans. I have been unable to find a single fan website anywhere on the internet.

Tesch’s reviews are also problematic. The reviews on Amazon are absolutely vicious, and deservedly so. However, Tesch’s website has a number of very good reviews on it. Several of these are from Leah Dallaire.

Leah Dallaire is an editor. She has a website called 911editing, and I strongly suspect that she is one of Tesch’s editors – which, if nothing else, should indicate that you should never, ever hire her. But take a look at some of the reviews that Dallaire has written for Tesch – and I would like to point out that Dallaire has written not one, not two, but THREE of the reviews on this page:

Notice the last line: “humbled to be a part of this” – strong indication that she is not just a reader. She’s on Team Tesch.

For a page on Tesch’s website devoted to reader reviews, why would you put up two different reviews of the exact same book by the exact same person…unless you didn’t have very many good reviews to put up in the first place?

Dallaire’s other review is a copy of the review that she put on Amazon, where it is one of the two five-star reviews of Maradonia and the Seven Bridges. I suspect that a book’s editor putting up a glowing review of a book on Amazon is against the site’s terms and conditions. It’s certainly morally bankrupt.

As if that wasn’t enough, two MORE reviews on the exact same page are from Mary F. Dado, who is ALSO one of Tesch’s editors:

Again, note the comment about how she’s on Gloria’s “Team”.

Tesch also claimed, repeatedly, to have her very own television show. As Swankivy and others have noted, Gloria’s television show is public access, meaning it’s available to anyone who can purchase space. If I purchased public access TV, I could spend an hour showing a tape of me knitting a scarf, and no one would care. However, it would still probably be more interesting than The Gloria Tesch Show, which is really just a camera on Tesch sitting there reading stories out of her book.

(from the Sept. 2010 newsletter)

Despite listing the show as being for sale, as far as I know no copies were ever actually produced. At least one person who ordered the television show received a copy of Maradonia and the Law of Blood instead. Even more interesting, several members of Anti-Shurtugal attempted to watch the show during times Tesch claimed it was being broadcast and were not ever able to find it on the air.

Tesch is also very fond of snapping pictures of herself and her book in various locations:

“The Maradonia Novel Stands Out!” (pictures and caption from Tesch’s Myspace.)

You’re right, Tesch. It does stand out. Could that be because every single other book on the shelf has a library tag on it and Maradonia doesn’t? It couldn’t be that you just stuck it there on the shelf and then snapped a quick picture of it, right? After all, what would be the point of that? No, seriously, what would be the point of that?

I’d like to draw your attention to several things. First, notice the bestseller rankings. Notice that #6, #7, and #8 all have different books above each one. And notice that Tesch is apparently trying to claim that Maradonia and the Seven Bridges is the #1, #2, and #3 bestselling books… all at the same time. I’d also like you to note that every one of these books has a 40% off sticker on it, which is a special that this particular chain is running. And, just in case you weren’t already fully convinced that Tesch waltzed into a bookstore, stuck a few copies of her book on a shelf, and had someone take a picture of it, let’s zoom in for a closer look at the book on the left.

The book behind it is a completely different book.

Right….you’re not Douglas Adams and you’re not funny, therefore your six-book trilogy is bullshit. I’d also like to point out that when she was thirteen she “published” ONE novel, not two. The fact that she went back and split the book into two parts does not retcon real life. Although this entire argument is academic because Gloria Tesch has not had any books published

Tesch is currently laboring under the delusion that there will be a Maradonia theme park, which I think it’s best to just ignore, but more interestingly, she and her family are currently trying to secure financing to produce a low-budget Maradonia movie, for which Gloria Tesch has written the script.

I’ll get into the “comic satire” a bit later, but I feel I should point out that “seasoned professionals” makes me laugh. The director is listed as Troy Bowman, who has one IMDB credit to his name. And the script was written by Gloria Tesch. No, seriously… Gloria Tesch.

I’m not exactly an expert on filmmaking, although I do happen to know quite a bit more about it than Gloria Tesch. For instance, I find it odd that film production crews would need to ask fans in a newsletter if they have a van or car they could lend out for their prep crew. Is that really what seasoned professionals do?

Also, you haven’t even announced your cast yet and yet you expect the movie to be finished by the end of of April 2011?

The newsletter also contained a little poster for Maradonia, the movie, which was an improvement on previous posters because it didn’t include stolen copyrighted artwork from Google images, including my favorite stolen image, which was lifted from the trailer from Prince Caspian.

This might be where some of that confusion is coming from, considering that two of the images that are directly under the tag “the movie” are from the book trailer.

However, Team Tesch recently acquired a new PR man in Andrew Fisher, as he noted in his YouTube comment:

I will agree that the Tesch publicity machine of the past was an absolute fiasco, but I’m now on board to move things forward with a bit more dignity, (at least you don’t have my job). The initial books are also being re-edited so that the stories can be enjoyed as they were intended.

I could have sympathized with Fisher, as he has inherited an absolute disaster. Most of the above shenanigans are the fault of Gloria Tesch and her parents. Fisher could have started immediately turning things around. Unfortunately, Fisher doesn’t have a great idea of what “dignity” means. His first few acts were to post spam comments on various YouTube videos that were criticizing the marketing techniques of Team Tesch. Most of these were deleted. Fisher also posted comments on several of these videos thanking them for their interesting feedback, and then, a short while later, the videos were hit with a copyright claim from Team Tesch and removed from YouTube. One of these videos was by the wonderful swankivy (you can read her writeup of the incident here ). Swankivy reposted her video, minus any clips from Tesch’s book trailer or screenshots from Tesch’s website, and I strongly recommend you watch it.

This, as Team Tesch will shortly learn, was a very poor decision. You cannot silence criticism, and the more you try, the more ammunition it gives your critics.

The book trailer itself is work of sheer insanity. Team Tesch is currently trying to move past it (it is now a private video on YouTube), but they cannot even keep their story straight:

Ditch my connection to the old book trailer YES that was horrendous, (I wasn’t around when that was created),

(from Fisher)

(that book trailer is obviously comic satire)

(also from Fisher)

So first he claims that the book trailer was horrendous and then he tries to pass it off as comic satire. It is horrendous, certainly, but the trailer was not satire (I don’t think Fisher knows what that word means) and it was not intended as satire. Gloria Tesch frequently advertised the trailer in her newsletter and on her website as a book trailer – never as something intended to be humorous or not to be taken seriously. Sorry, Team Tesch. You cannot retcon real life.

So….let’s dig into this book trailer.

Note: The text within the quotation marks is dialogue from the book trailer.

We begin with a poorly designed logo that tells us this show is supposedly called Celebrity Soup. That was the name of a UK comedy series …which ended in 2006. Some quick Googling tells us that there is no such show as Celebrity Soup that currently exists.

We meet our Show Host, Kyle Kendrick. I have several questions. First, why is there a caption telling us that he’s the show host? People who watch television shows know who the show host is. Second, who is Kyle Kendrick? IMDB says his only credit was on ER 12 years ago, which, if it’s the same person, would explain why he’s appearing as a fake show host for a fake news program that’s pimping out a fake published book by an all-too-real girl.

We get some shots of Gloria Tesch signing books, as our Host rambles for a bit:

“Hello, and welcome to Celebrity Soup. Today we’re serving up a hot dish of hysteria. So, what’s on the menu? Two words: Gloria Tesch.”

So….they’re going to eat Gloria Tesch? Works for me! We then move on to the testimonials, starting with an uncredited woman who keeps glancing down to her right, almost as if she’s reading off hidden cue cards.

“My daughter is ten and actually this is one of the only books I can get her to read, she is so excited about this book and author.”

And, of course, her adorable little daughter:

“She signed my book, see?”

We cut back to our host, who continues:

“If you haven’t heard, Gloria Tesch is the world’s youngest novelist. At the age of fifteen, she has already written eight novels. So, how are her books doing, you ask?”

We’ve already gone over how Tesch is not the world’s youngest novelist, not by a long shot. But what I really don’t get is….where the fuck did eight novels come from? Even after Tesch split the series in half, that left her with six. More importantly, Team Tesch is paying this guy to act in this fake television show for them, and they didn’t even bother to re-shoot the scene?

We cut forward to another uncredited person.

“It’s amazing, we can’t even keep the books on the shelves, they’re flying out of here like…nothing.”

You know, real news organizations have this little thing called “accreditation”, otherwise known as citing your sources. Generally speaking, you don’t just throw in quotes from unnamed people without some kind of citation. Why? Because audiences like to know who they’re hearing an opinion from. I find a random guy with white hair in a crowd a lot less credible than someone who is cited as, say, the bookstore manager?

Of course, I’m pretty sure the reason Team Tesch didn’t bother crediting anyone was because they were afraid the people would be tracked down after the fact and asked to back up their statements.

“So, what’s the problem with that? Most people would say that’s a good thing.”

That’s probably because it is a good thing, you idiot.

“You know, despite the demand for her books, the publisher only prints a finite amount, and when they’re sold out, they’re gone, and that’s not just here, that’s all over the country.”

There are so many inaccuracies here it’s difficult to know where to begin. Let’s start with the publishers. It’s true that publishers print a certain amount of books and then distribute them to be sold. However, once those books are gone, they print some more. That’s kind of what publishers do, they sell books to make money. And if a book is selling enough to make them have to go back and print more copies, don’t you think the publishing company would be really happy to do that? Since it will make them more money?

I suppose this idiot might be referring to the fact that Maradonia is self-published, but he’s still completely wrong. Vanity publishers let you choose the amount of books you buy from them. And, on the off chance that the Tesches did, in fact, sell out the first run of their self-published book, all they would need to do is place a new order from the vanity publisher and buy some more.

It’s probably a good thing this guy wasn’t credited, otherwise I would send him a very hostile email.

“So, what’s in the books that makes them so appealing?” our host continues.

“For me it was the characters, my favorite characters were Maya and Joey.”

No, seriously? The two main characters were your favorites? That’s like asking someone who their favorite character in Harry Potter is and them replying “Harry Potter”. I mean, yeah, this kid is about ten, but you’d think they could have found a better clip to include in this video. Or at least written her some new lines.

We cut to a couple of young actors standing in front of a really, really obvious green-screen. Yes, it’s some clips from Maradonia which Team Tesch filmed and spliced into their book trailer, for reasons beyond my comprehension.

I can see the production value here.

“Maya! Crassus, the demon apostle, is following us!”

The kid playing Joey actually has a bit of acting ability, although he doesn’t have much to work with. The girl playing Maya, however, couldn’t act her way out of a cardboard box.

“Joey, I’m afraid!”

Yes. That is an actual line. “Joey, I’m afraid.”

“Let’s go!”

And off they run, as giant fanged bats swoop down after them. Yes, giant fanged bats. Not Crassus the demon apostle. And…we’re back to the uncredited testimonials:

“You fall in love with them. You can’t help it.”

I beg to differ. I myself have written a very, very long sporking of the first book in the Maradonia “Saga”, and I have to say I don’t think I have ever read a story whose heroes were more selfish and unlikable than Maya and Joey.

We cut back to our host, who continues overacting. It’s like he’s trying to see how many bizarre facial expressions he can wedge into this video.

“Some people are even asking for autographs in the most precarious of places.”

I don’t think that word means what you think it means.

Deeerrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Nothing against this guy, as I’m sure he’s just an unemployed college dropout out to make a buck, but seriously? This is the guy you want representing your fanbase? Or was this the only guy who was willing to let you sign his forehead?

“Some people are even coming out dressed as characters from the books,” our host continues.

I don’t recognize either of these characters, but let’s set that aside for a moment. As I have already said, Tesch has no fans. There isn’t a single fan website anywhere on the internet. I have yet to find a single legitimate, positive review. The book itself is an absolute mess. Yeah, I can theoretically see some 10-year-olds enjoying it, but Team Tesch seriously expects us to believe that grown men like her books so much they’re dressing up as characters from the books and standing in line to get autographs?

We cut forward to…another video clip from the book. Ah, it’s starting to make more sense now. The guy who is dressed up as one of the characters in line? He’s actually an actor who is portraying Abbadon. Why an actor who was paid by Team Tesch is also standing in line pretending to be a fan waiting for an autograph, I don’t know. It even makes me wonder if everyone else standing in line might also be paid actors….

Anyway, this guy’s acting is legendarily bad.

“King Astrodoulus…”

“…where ARE you?”

“I am here to kill you, take your land…and your head!”

I swear, those are his lines. I know it looks like he’s singing “The Sound of Music,” but he’s actually trying to be menacing. The actor here is putting on a really ridiculous accent and drawing the words out, so instead of “I am here to kill you!” it is more like “Aye ham here to kuHEEL YEW!!!!1111.”

“You have killed many kings….but today is not your day.”

I have to say, the Tesches should demand their money back from whoever put together this piece of shit. You can see the outline of the green-screen around the edge of Astrodoulos’ robe!

In response, Abbadon leaps in the air, spins in a pirouette, swirls his cloak dramatically, growls, and shoots lightning from his fingertips.

Just dance! It’ll be okay…

And…we’re back to the uncredited testimonials.

“It’s a myriad of a modern-day fantasy that completely takes you out of your element.”

I don’t know what that means.

Next, we have a really, really cheap CGI effect with some “spooky” sounding ghosts wailing.

And…we’re back to film clips from the book.

“Why have we been brought into this totally different world?”

“I don’t know Joey, but I believe everything happens for a reason.”

And we’re back to the testimonials:

“It’s a fascinating book, she’s a very creative writer, I wonder where she gets those ideas from.”

The Chronicles of Narnia, for one. I do find it interesting that in many of these “testimonials” don’t actually mention Tesch by name. While it’s certainly plausible that Team Tesch just paid these people off, it’s also possible that they interviewed people about completely different books and just cleverly intercut it.

We’re back to the pudgy white-haired guy:

“These people have been sitting here for almost two and a half hours, and are still in line trying to get their autographs; unbelievable, it’s a great book.”

As he talks, we get a few shots of the crowd:

I might be misreading their expressions, but the guy seems to be thinking “What am I doing with my life?” while the woman is thinking “They seriously published this shit?”

And we’re back to the Host.

“So what’s next for the world’s youngest novelist? You guessed it. Motion pictures. Moguls from New York to Hollywood are already weighing in, and I’m told there are offers already on. the. table.”

Right. “Moguls” are interested in making a film of a book that is self-published, almost universally despised, and doesn’t have any fans. That’s believable. And then, for no apparent reason, we cut to a close-up of some guy lighting a cigar:

Remember, kids, smoking kills.

And then there’s a girl walking in slow motion down a hallway:

Her hair is being blown backward from the intense indoor wind that goes through hallways. She strolls into her cigar-smoking boss’ office. He’s reading Entertainment Weekly, the preferred magazine of all Hollywood and New York moguls. The girl parks herself on her boss’ desk and drops a couple of folders onto his laptop.

“These just came in for you.”

In perhaps the only realistic scene in this entire trailer, Cigar Guy is not happy with getting a handout with pictures of Gloria Tesch’s novels on them.

“This? This is what you bring me? This is garbage! Can’t you see I’m busy?”

And into the trash they go. The girl stalks off, rolling her eyes. Cigar Guy peeks over the top of Entertainment Weekly and then surreptitiously pulls the folders out of the garbage.

“Fifteen years old? Six books? Two screenplays? This kid’s a billion-dollar industry!”

I’m not sure how someone can see that someone is a billion [!!] dollar industry from seeing covers of their self-published novels – which, I should add, isn’t really that impressive. I myself had written six novels by the time that I was fifteen. And like Tesch, all of my novels were pretty shitty. Unlike Tesch, my parents didn’t say I was a genius and throw money at me.

Also, it’s worth pointing out that a person cannot be an industry.

Cigar Guy stands up, whips out a bullhorn, and, – I am dead serious – yells “Action!”

Why would this guy have a bullhorn in his office? Why would he decide to yell “Action” at the ceiling of his empty office? And why does poorly computer-generated fire come out of his nostrils immediately afterward?

You thought I was making that up, didn’t you?

We then cut to an image of the six Maradonia books with flames behind them, and then to an image of a very, very poorly animated creepy guy:

“Let the adventure….begin!”

And finally, we have the final shot of the trailer:

That’s right. Maradonia and the Bridges. They left out the “Seven”.

Several brilliant readers have pointed out that there is a “7” in there, it’s just difficult to see. My mistake. I shall amend my criticism, then. Why would you title your movie Maradonia and the 7 Bridges? That just looks moronic.

Tagged as: ,

Comment

  1. TakuGifian on 20 March 2011, 07:03 said:

    Your final point: The ‘seven’ is there, it’s the red angle thing between “the” and the “ri” of “Bridges”.

    WHY they would want to type it as “7 Bridges” instead of “Seven Bridges”, I don’t know, but it’s there.

    … At least they didn’t misspell it “Brides”. I remember one spammer on A_S doing that in defence of Tesch, in the early days.

  2. Moggo on 20 March 2011, 09:20 said:

    I seem to remember this discussion page she had on her facebook, where she promised to listen to her critics. What on earth happened to that?

  3. LoneWolf on 20 March 2011, 09:24 said:

    On YouTube, that trailer is now locked for the public.

    Overall, I’m disappointed in Team Tesch.

  4. Requiem on 20 March 2011, 13:39 said:

    Hmm on her facebook she has some fans but I think most of them are critics or just there for laughs. Anyway when this movie comes out it’s probably going to be like the room of fantasy films.

    Anway…when are we going to see more maradonia sporkings?

  5. Rorschach on 20 March 2011, 14:06 said:

    Your final point: The ‘seven’ is there, it’s the red angle thing between “the” and the “ri” of “Bridges”.

    Good catch, I thought this was just part of the blurry cloak. I’ve corrected it.

    … At least they didn’t misspell it “Brides”

    Tesch herself has misspelled it as “Brides” several times, once in a copy of her newsletter, and once on her website.

    Anway…when are we going to see more maradonia sporkings?

    Soon

  6. VikingBoyBilly on 20 March 2011, 14:20 said:

    I wish I downloaded that “trailer” for posterity before it got locked.

  7. Rorschach on 20 March 2011, 14:28 said:

    I wish I downloaded that “trailer” for posterity before it got locked.

    It’s still up on Tesch’s Myspace. I’d act fast, though.

    http://www.myspace.com/maradonia/videos

  8. Anonymous on 20 March 2011, 15:27 said:

    As of July 2010, her book Maradonia and the Seven Bridges has an Amazon sales rank of 2,539,789, which mean there are 2,539,788 books out there which are more popular than it. By comparison, Edward Nawy’s gripping, epic thriller Reinforced Concrete: A Fundamental Approach (6th Edition) has an Amazon sales ranking of 410,523, and much better customer ratings. That means there are over two million books which are both less interesting than a 936-page tome on “the design of reinforced concrete members through a unique and practical step-by-step trial and adjustment procedure”, and more interesting than her novel. We, for one, would love to see people cosplaying as reinforced concrete at the launch of the next edition of Nawy’s book. Just saying.

    The same “novel” is apparently the first, second and third bestseller. Srsly!“But”, one might say, “Amazon lists the book at $145 and it’s available from her website for $24.95! What about sales from her website?” Well, how about that, then. Alexa gives her a global traffic rank of 11,534,913(Was 6,075,715). Put another way, over the last month, she has a “reach” of 0.00002 percent. Therefore, If absolutely everyone that has ever visited her website bought a copy of both the books she is selling there, it would result in total sales of….634. 634. J. K. Rowling loses more sales than that to fucking rounding errors.

    By the way, the British Ready-Mixed Concrete Association has an Alexa traffic rank of 5,047,522 (Was 2,577,466). That means there are six and a half million websites that are less interesting than ready-mixed concrete and yet…yeah. You get the idea.

  9. Rorschach on 20 March 2011, 16:21 said:

    Copy and pasting from Encyclopedia Dramatica will win you very few points, I’m afraid.

  10. Minoan Ferret on 20 March 2011, 17:03 said:

    “If I purchased public access TV, I could spend an hour showing a tape of me knitting a scarf, and no one would care.”

    I’d only care if you were knitting socks, unfortunately.

    But seriously, the breakdown of the book trailer was brilliant! From now on I’m only going to send queries to creepy balding guys that smoke cigars and keep bullhorns in their office. They’re the ones who can make you a billion dollar industry.

  11. Apep on 20 March 2011, 17:04 said:

    Yeah, but even if only 10% of that is true, it’s still hilarious. And sad. But mostly hilarious.

    “It’s a myriad of a modern-day fantasy that completely takes you out of your element.”

    That might be a real sentence, but only in the most technical sense. Like how a golf cart is technically a car, in that it has four wheels and a motor.

  12. Franklin on 20 March 2011, 17:19 said:

    Yep, they’re all ghost comments that Tesch wrote and then attatched tags onto them like ‘Doctor’ or ‘Psychologist’ to try to make them look credible.

    Even worse, the Maradonia Saga makes Eragon look great in comparison. At least CP doesn’t type like a 4th grader with Asperger’s.

  13. Inspector Karamazov on 20 March 2011, 19:06 said:

    Rorschach, I love you for going through all this and having the determination to sit through the book AND this trailer. You have more courage than I ever will. Hats off to you, good fellow!

    Franklin, I’d appricate it if you didn’t make asperger’s jokes, please. People with Asperger’s are perfectly capable of typing well.

  14. NeuroticPlatypus on 20 March 2011, 19:12 said:

    I’m so glad I watched both the trailer and Swankivy’s original video before they were removed.

    Great job on this article!

    At least CP doesn’t type like a 4th grader with Asperger’s.

    Asperger’s doesn’t affect grammar to my knowledge, and fourth graders probably understand that random names shouldn’t been in quotation marks. I’d say she writes more like someone who has just started trying to learn English, though that still doesn’t explain the quotation marks, capitalization, and italics abuse. I’ve never seen anyone write like she does.

  15. SenorAlvarez on 20 March 2011, 20:58 said:

    hahahahaha the best part is she said she has plans for TEN more books in the Maradonia saga.

    seriously, it’s on her website.

  16. swenson on 20 March 2011, 22:41 said:

    Lawl. Gtesch just makes me laugh more and more the more I hear about her.

    Unfortunately, falsely accusing people of breaking copyright laws isn’t funny.

    I do have a warm spot in my heart for that book trailer, though, simply because it’s so awful. “Comic satire” my foot! I actually thought about doing a scene-by-scene critique of it after I managed to stop laughing after I saw it the first time, but never got around to it.

  17. Danielle on 20 March 2011, 23:20 said:

    Can anyone tell me where I can find the full book/movie trailer? I wanted to see King Apollyon’s atrocious acting, but I can’t seem to find the trailer…..

  18. Anonymous on 21 March 2011, 01:29 said:

    One day, Gloria Tesch will drive me into suicide if her series keeps up.

  19. Licht on 21 March 2011, 01:56 said:

    People die to easily these days.

    “It’s a myriad of a modern-day fantasy that completely takes you out of your element.”

    -> It’s a mishmash of other author’s work, Fantasy preferred, that completely takes you out of your element, if you’re used to reading worthwhile books, because it is as awfully bad as you certainly have never read before.

  20. Curly on 21 March 2011, 02:06 said:

    God if they’ve put down that video I am now sad because it was one of the funniest and worst produced pieces of work ever made. Wait, I’m writing this when we’re talking about Maradonia?! My mistake.

  21. Asahel on 21 March 2011, 12:28 said:

    A question on the video:

    Now, am I remembering correctly? Wasn’t King Astrodoulos supposed to look atypical for a king (i.e. no fancy robe, no crown, just a plain robe and sandals)? So…. did Gloria just forget her own character design when making that video or what?

  22. Tolly on 21 March 2011, 21:24 said:

    …On Amazon, she’s trying to sell a new copy of Ophir for… $99.99. US.

    That’s a poor price for the full set of Lord of the Rings, let alone this bollocks.

  23. Erin on 21 March 2011, 23:40 said:

    It’s a mishmash of other author’s work, Fantasy preferred, that completely takes you out of your element, if you’re used to reading worthwhile books, because it is as awfully bad as you certainly have never read before.

    When you break it down like that, it appears that she’s the only one in the trailer speaking the truth. Is it too much to hope that she secretly has the same mindest that we do and only appeared in this thing to deliver an insult thinly disguised as praise and subsequently collect a paycheck for it? Because I would probably do something like that. :)

    Also, did Gloria forget when she was writing the script that there is no Crassus the demon apostle in the book?

  24. SlyShy on 23 March 2011, 04:15 said:

    So you are telling me Tesch had not just one editor, but TWO editors, and she still managed to churn out that? I’m not surprised that the two of them are so out of work that they have to stoop to working for Gloria, considering the abysmal quality of their work.

  25. The Cay on 24 March 2011, 16:18 said:

    I’m too boggled by the sheer ridiculousness of it all to comment properly…

  26. The Cat on 24 March 2011, 16:18 said:

    I’m too boggled by the sheer ridiculousness of it all to comment properly…

  27. Steph (what is left) on 24 March 2011, 21:12 said:

    I find it really funny that Stephenie Meyer’s The Host, Paolini’s Brisingr, AND Gloria Tesch’s Maradonia book are all on the same rack.

  28. Gloria on 24 March 2011, 21:24 said:

    Really guys? Maradonia the Movie is coming out, and it’s going to be released in 2,000 theatres. Okay? TWO-THOUSAND THEATRES!

    Maradonia stands for so much depth and meaning, you people just have no clue.

  29. ZeeZee on 25 March 2011, 01:04 said:

    Maradonia stands for so much depth and meaning, you people just have no clue.

    That’s nice, dear. If you’re going to troll, give a more believable email address.

  30. LoneWolf on 25 March 2011, 13:00 said:

    Yeah. Good, quality trolling is a rarity nowadays.

  31. Gloria on 25 March 2011, 14:45 said:

    lol. Really? I got a movie coming out and I’ve published more books than you guys could dream of writing. Plus, the quality is amazing.

    And btw, Hoppy isn’t dead. He just hasn’t anything to say for a while, so it makes sense why he isn’t there.

  32. Licht on 25 March 2011, 14:58 said:

    @LoneWolf: Remember ßtanek. He certainly knew how to troll and play with sockpuppets. Oh, ye good old days.

    We certainly need some new batshit insane wanna-be authors.

  33. Gloria on 25 March 2011, 15:04 said:

    Okay, but my books are obviously ‘Popular’, because I have my own TV show and a movie, plus 6 books with ideas for 10 more. And I’ve written three ‘Screenplays’ about teenage life, that will greatly appeal to modern teenagers and make them think ‘wow, this girl really knows her stuff!’

    When I’m super famous, you guy’s be ‘Sad’ you crossed me

  34. The Cat on 25 March 2011, 16:29 said:

    You’re being sarcastic, right?

    Right?

  35. ZeeZee on 25 March 2011, 16:43 said:

    @The Cat

    Personally, I’m inclined to think this isn’t actually Gloria. The grammar is far too good.

  36. Gloria on 25 March 2011, 18:13 said:

    Ok, do you want proof? Fine. Hear’s evidence that Maradonia is a masterpiece:

    “Today a reader, tomorrow a leader!”

    This quote shows how much Joey has evolved, and how much they’re minds have changed during their epic journey. He has gone from a reader to a leader, demonstrating a complex character that changes during the story.

    You just lost this one.

  37. dragonarya on 25 March 2011, 18:45 said:

    Steph:

    I find it really funny that Stephenie Meyer’s The Host, Paolini’s Brisingr, AND Gloria Tesch’s Maradonia book are all on the same rack.

    Speaking of which, isn’t anybody going to spork The Host? Surely it’s got to be as horrible as Twilight.

  38. ZeeZee on 25 March 2011, 20:36 said:

    Speaking of which, isn’t anybody going to spork The Host? Surely it’s got to be as horrible as Twilight.

    As much as I hated Twilight, I have to say, The Host was okay. Her writing of characters improved a lot.

  39. Costanza on 25 March 2011, 21:17 said:

    This is probably beside the point, but isn’t it a little funny how she completely forgets that half of her characters even exist? What the hell happened to Hoppy, Saggitus their flying Deus ex Machina, (Or whatever the hell its name is)that Thor rip-off guy who saved the unicorns, that mermaid who had a creepy crush on that asshole Joey, and their little brother Benji; who was mentioned once 158 pages into this brick and then forgotten?

    I think she sits down in the morning, spews out drivel for 12 hours, then goes to bed without thinking about it or caring. it wuld explain how utterly nonsensical it is,a nd the absurdly high page count for a book with so little content.

    Of course, that could just be the size 9901 font and the thin column of text.

  40. Costanza on 25 March 2011, 21:21 said:

    *It

    *would

    *and

    *9001

    This book makes me rage so much I forget how to type.

  41. Northmark on 25 March 2011, 23:42 said:

    Hey guys, I’m the only one allowed to poorly impersonate Gloria Tesch around these parts.

    On the subject of the actual article: Her parents clearly have good intentions, but throwing money at your child isn’t going to make her a better writer. In fact, as we’ve seen with Maradonia, it can backfire pretty hard.

  42. Gloria on 25 March 2011, 23:57 said:

    Costanza, your a asshole.

    And I’m a fanastic writer. Best that ever lived.

  43. Gloria on 26 March 2011, 00:08 said:

    Yeah, yeah, whatever. You all know you’d fuck me. (:

    But you won’t ever get to. (:

  44. Licht on 26 March 2011, 00:45 said:

    Can you bann IPs on Impishidea?

  45. Tolly on 26 March 2011, 03:52 said:

    snickergiggle

    Ow wow, “Gloria”. Either you really ARE Tesch, in which case, sweetie, I’ve written better tales than you when high on painkillers AND had them published…

    Or you’re a troll and incredibly fucking bad at it.

    Either way…

    YOU FAIL

  46. Curly on 26 March 2011, 04:49 said:

    Troll, in the dungeons! TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! Thought you ought to know.
    Faints

  47. Klutor the Ninth on 26 March 2011, 07:05 said:

    Now, am I remembering correctly? Wasn’t King Astrodoulos supposed to look atypical for a king (i.e. no fancy robe, no crown, just a plain robe and sandals)? So…. did Gloria just forget her own character design when making that video or what?

    She probably thought he should look more fancy, since that would indicate that the movie has a “large” budget. Unfortunately, they have now made him look like a transvestite. Also – Abaddon really does look like he’s singing…

    Also, did Gloria forget when she was writing the script that there is no Crassus the demon apostle in the book?

    Oh dear…

    As much as I hated Twilight, I have to say, The Host was okay. Her writing of characters improved a lot.

    Really? Cause from what I’ve heard of it, it’s pretty much Twilight 2.0… IN SPACE A SCIFI SETTING! Author Avatar? Check. Stupid romance? Check. Immortals that are Better Than Humans Could Ever Be? Check.

    On the subject of the actual article: Her parents clearly have good intentions, but throwing money at your child isn’t going to make her a better writer. In fact, as we’ve seen with Maradonia, it can backfire pretty hard.

    Agreed.

    Troll, in the dungeons! TROLL IN THE DUNGEONS! Thought you ought to know.
    Faints

    HP-reference FTW.

    That means there are over two million books which are both less interesting than a 936-page tome on “the design of reinforced concrete members through a unique and practical step-by-step trial and adjustment procedure”, and more interesting than her novel. We, for one, would love to see people cosplaying as reinforced concrete at the launch of the next edition of Nawy’s book. Just saying.

    Have to admit, this is pretty funny – even though it’s not original, and…

    Copy and pasting from Encyclopedia Dramatica will win you very few points, I’m afraid.

    Nice one, Rorschach. Although, come to think of it, you could’ve said: “Im in ur source, uncoverin ur plagiarism”. ;-)

  48. peppercake on 26 March 2011, 07:28 said:

    Lol awesome article but if you tried to gaze in the minds of team tesch, it might be like gazing into the abyss of hell. I can’t wait to see the movie of this book, it would probably make an awesome spork. Oh and Gloria, or whoever your are, you’re not fooling anyone honey. Peace out!

  49. Monster on 26 March 2011, 22:40 said:

    Anybody notice in the trailer how they come in from the left (being chased) and then the bats come in from behind them?

  50. Costanza on 26 March 2011, 23:42 said:

    I hope that Tesch can see this site someday, because I really can’t think of a single thing she could say to counter our criticisms.

    And about the ED copier guy – I’m sure somebody from this site wrote that article, so there’s no way he could have gotten away with it. he plagiarises and doesn’t afraid of anything. (Sorry)

  51. Blandibull on 27 March 2011, 07:25 said:

    Have you all seen on Facebook the Maradonia Film Prayer Group?!? and the handful of other Maradonia film fan pages? Ridiculous!

  52. Kye on 27 March 2011, 11:14 said:

    I have the trailer, if anyone wants it. Just email me and I’ll be happy to send it. ^^ I also have the excerpt of the book, too. And some of the other videos that aren’t on YouTube anymore.

  53. Ridureyu on 27 March 2011, 16:37 said:

    I want to hire the Abaddon dude. He needs to jump out of closets and scare children.

  54. ZeeZee on 27 March 2011, 18:30 said:

    Author Avatar? Check. Stupid romance? Check. Immortals that are Better Than Humans Could Ever Be? Check.

    The first two, yes, but the aliens are not better- they may be nice, but they still commit genocide on a regular basis.

    Meh. I think what I’m trying to say is, that for a quick, fun read, it’s not a bad book to pick up. It’s a Twinkie, but a much better twinkie than Twilight will ever be.

  55. Senor_Alvarez on 27 March 2011, 20:55 said:

    Whoa, whoa, whoa, hold on a second….Did one of those disgusting reviews just say that Lana Terrance and her mother die?

    …………………

  56. swenson on 29 March 2011, 17:13 said:

    So I just found out that there’s a real show called simply “The Soup” on E! (not ever having watched anything on E! ever, I’d never heard of it before today) I wonder if this supposed “Celebrity Soup” was supposed to be evoking that? A faint hope that people might see “soup” and assume it from the real show or… something. I dunno. But it’s almost deranged enough to fit, even if the two shows (the actual show and the “show”) are nothing in the slightest alike.

  57. ZeeZee on 29 March 2011, 17:51 said:

    So I just found out that there’s a real show called simply “The Soup” on E! (not ever having watched anything on E! ever, I’d never heard of it before today) I wonder if this supposed “Celebrity Soup” was supposed to be evoking that?

    I watch The Soup, and it is absolutely nothing like this. It’s basically a show dedicated to making fun of of reality tv show clips and talk show clips. It’s actually very funny.

  58. Prince o' Tea on 31 March 2011, 14:08 said:

    King ASSSS DROW DOOOO LUSSSSSSSSS

    Wear…. ARRR YEWWWWW

    I am hear… to KEEEEELLLLLL YEEEEEEEWWWW

    Takeeeee yourrrrr lanndddddd AND YOURRRR HADDDDDD

    I asked Gloria if she’s still stealing artwork off Deviantart and trying to sell it as her own work. Its kinda disappointing, around the summmer she was asking for constructive criticism and seemed to be learning her lesson… But of course not. She turned back to her old self pretty quickly.

  59. BettyCross on 3 April 2011, 22:50 said:

    The Maradonia movie needs to be sent over to That Guy With the Glasses. Nostalgia Critic and Nostalgia Chick will have great fun with it.

  60. autumnfey on 4 April 2011, 02:59 said:

    “Speaking of which, isn’t anybody going to spork The Host? Surely it’s got to be as horrible as Twilight.”

    In my opinion it was worse because it had so much meaningless filler and thus dragged along at a snail’s pace, boring me into a stupor. You would think that with that premise there would be some tension in the plot, but no. Also, obsessive abusive relationships and spineless heroines ahoy! Seriously, one character ended up with a guy who tried to choke her to death at one point. This same guy also loved her sooo much that he threw a fit every time she made a decision for herself.

    . . . Yeah, I had issues with it.

  61. Prince O' Tea on 15 April 2011, 12:24 said:

    I have a theory… the bearded professional looking guy with the glasses…

    20 bucks says that’s Gloria’s father, Prof Gerry Tesch.

  62. Bob on 28 April 2011, 20:16 said:

    Might not be relevant any longer, but i found the trailer by accident. On Gloria’s own myspace. Not hidden at all. These people are not clever, i mean…dang.

    http://www.myspace.com/video/vid/105404194#pm_cmp=vid_OEV_P_P

    Enjoy :-)

  63. Rana on 26 June 2011, 12:46 said:

    Oh my God, Gloria Tesche is commenting on here? XDDD This is the most hilarious thing…

    Wait here, I’m gonna go get the popcorn.

    comes back with popcorn

    LET THE TROLLING BEGIN! :D

  64. NihilisticLaimu on 18 August 2011, 22:38 said:

    Anybody notice in the trailer how they come in from the left (being chased) and then the bats come in from behind them?

    Not only that, but the lavender stem (or whatever it is) near AstroJesus remains the exact size for both shots of him

  65. Gentleman Jim on 18 December 2013, 18:38 said:

    http://i962.photobucket.com/albums/ae103/rorschach3/Tesch%20Review/review18.jpg

    Oh, Paul Whitehouse, what have they done to you?!
    Also, I really want to know the name of the guy who was playing Abaddon in that scene.