Maradonia and the Seven Bridges Spork, Part One
Yo, this is Ari and her imaginary friend here-
Pan: I make all the funny comments.
Sure, you do. Anyways, me ‘n Pan are here for a special sporking series we’ll be doing on what has to be the worst fantasy book ever written. For those who don’t know, it’s called Maradonia and the Seven Bridges; it’s a self-published book by a kid named Gloria Tesch. Most of you probably already know about this since we’ve been ranting about it a lot on the AS Livejournal. You can go to her “website” (beware, it’s a little scary and more than a little arrogant) here.
Hope you enjoy. Sorry if the humor falls flat at times; it’s my first time doing a public sporking and I’m not quite as funny as the other awesome people on here. :p Let us begin? It’s pretty frickin’ long.
…the feast was being prepared at the palace of ‘Apollyon, the King of the Evil Empire’.
Pan: Can you spot the overused cliche?
Ari: Because no one would suspect that the ‘Evil Empire ©’ is actually evil. Nooooo.
Pan: Who knows? It could be a clever move. Perhaps the ‘Evil Empire’ is actually a place of…goodness…happiness? She could be trying to fool us.
Ari: ignores comment Wait – the King of the Empire? That doesn’t sound familiar at all. And you never start a book with ellipses.
Pan: ….Moving on!
Ari: slaps
All the principalities, powers and rulers of the air, the underworld and the commanders of the ground troops had arrived for the meeting of the general council.
Ari: Air! I rule you! Bow down before me, air!
Pan: You’re scaring me.
Arabella, one of the spies in the service of the underworld,
Ari: To give credit where credit is due, Arabella is a rather pretty name. I like it.
Pan: It’d be better without the ‘Bella’ part.
was still waiting for her opportunity to talk to King Apollyon, but the ‘Hoodmen’, the organizers of the meeting, gave her no chance to talk to him. They advised her to sit down at the end of the big hall, far behind the oval table in the information area which was prepared for witnesses and attendees without voting rights.
Ari: I’m confused. People can vote in the Evil Empire ©? We’re only in the first paragraph, and there have been like…four different governments used.
Pan: Only if they want a new king. Duh.
At the oval table was enough room for the seventy most high ranking rulers of the ‘Evil Empire’.
Ari: How many people rule this place?
Pan: You moron. Seventy. Read the text.
Ari: Reading this makes my eyes burn.
Abbadon, Plouton, Aruses, Gertrude, Lorris, Ceara, Andromeda and Cassandra, Persiano and Pegany and seven other powerful fairies
Pan: snerk Powerful fairies. Charge, my homosexuals of power! Attaaaaack!
Ari: Forget that. Look at the Greek mythology infodump before it. That’s something we call “useless.” They’re not real characters, you fool, so why list their names?
Pan: Never mind. Gay people are way above this thing. I have nothing against gay people, but I wouldn’t even call this book gay. It’s too bad.
sat down at the table with the rulers of the air, Sutornia, Juny and Uranimos, then the three rulers of the Titans,
Ari: Being a mythology nerd, this irks me. You can’t rule the Titans, you moron. Not to mention all the other mistakes.
Pan: Perhaps she’s talking about the football team from Tennessee?
Ari: Why not? That’s actually more plausible.
Orphilios, Remmilos and Marcarios and a great number of the ground troop commanders It was very quiet in the hall before the meeting started because everybody was waiting for the appearance of ‘King Apollyon, the mighty ruler of the underworld’.
Pan: Ari, you should introduce all your characters with quotes from now on.
Ari: headdesk Grammar fail.
The congregation had to wait a long time until finally a group of dwarfs materialized in mid air and opened the big wing doors of the ‘Kingdom Hall’ when King Apollyon appeared.
Ari: Because walking through the doors would be much harder than somehow (it’s not explained) materializing.
Pan: materializes There are dwarves in the Underworld?
Ari: I guess they’re too short to reach heaven. Poor guys.
Pan: Why is the Underworld always the place of EVUL? It’s very cliche.
Everybody got up from their seat and bowed down several times until King Apollyon gave the sign to sit. Then he took a seat by himself in the king’s seat
Ari: Let’s start a drinking game. Every time we find a sentence that’s not grammatically incorrect, filled with misused quotation marks, is inconsistent or just plain stupid, take a drink of something of your choice. sips diet coke
Pan: Heh, the king took a seat by himself. Guess he wasn’t good enough to sit…never mind, I can’t come up with a proper joke.
at the oval table and looked around with great satisfaction. King Apollyon started his speech with the words, “I declare the ‘General Council of our Empire’
Ari: drinks Wow.
Pan: And italics! This is getting pretty hardcore.
as inaugurated
Ari: Thesauri around the world scream as they are raped. Couldn’t she just say “in session?”
Pan: But that doesn’t sound nearly as…
Ari: Stupid?
Pan: I was going to say amusing.
and everybody at this table has the opportunity to speak freely and openly, but before we will jump into a dialog and the exchange of new ideas, let me introduce and greet my guests of honor.
Pan: This sounds like a republic, you know.
Ari: takes another swig How long is this thing?
Pan: Four more pages.
Ari: WHAT THE HECK NO. sob
Pan: No worries, the formatting is so screwed up it’s really only like one more page.
Arabella stretched up her neck
Ari: Ew. Just ew. Bad mental imagery. Streeeetch. I guess she never heard the phrase “craned her neck” before.
Pan: Maybe she’s from those Thai tribes with the neck rings.
and expected a warm welcome. “Our guests of honor today are… the ‘Seven Spirits’
Ari: gulps drink
Pan: Not so much. We have to stay sober for this.
Ari: It reads better when you’re drunk.
Pan: You’re already drunk? You’re drinking diet coke.
Ari: I really, really want to be drunk. Then I can pretend the screwed up sentences are products of my screwed up mind.
Pan: …
Ari: Ellipse! bangs head against wall
our beloved ravens and I want to place them at the seat of honor just at the left side of my chairmanship.
Ari: What the….a chairmanship is a person. Thesaurus rape!
Pan: steals drink Perhaps he wants the ravens to sit, er, perch, to the left side of whoever the chairmanship is.
Ari: Give that back, fool. And wouldn’t the king be the chairmanship?
Pan: Government type number five. This is so sad.
Arabella sat down again offended and insulted that she was not honored at all… coming from so far away… and with such an important message.
Ari: Grammar fail!!!11!!
Pan: Somewhere, far, far away, little ellipses are screaming from being abused.
You might ask me why is it… that the seven ravens are our guests of honor today, especially at this important meeting. I will tell you why…
Ari: Every time an ellipse is used in this “book” a puppy is killed and made into a book cover for this thing. Which looks like this:
Pan: ….that’s almost as scary as the prose. Is that supposed to be a beautiful woman?
Ari: At least the Eragon books are semi-pretty. This just makes me want to get really, really, really drunk.
they brought us the message, we were waiting for!
Ari: You’re using the commas, improperly!
Pan: drinks
We did not even know that we were waiting for that message.
Ari: Then how were you waiting for it? Inconsistency.
Pan: drinks You’re right, this stuff actually makes more sense when I’m drunk.
Ari: I’m going to have to drown my sorrows when I’m done with this. Let’s move on.
You see my sons Abbadon and Plouton sitting at my right side.
Ari: No, we don’t. There’s this thing about writing called “showing” that you obviously have not heard about.
Pan: Pshaw. Only stupid people show. Real authors like Gloria spell out everything.
Ari: Time to steal another diet coke. And how long is this king guy speaking?
We learned recently that Abbadon lost a battle in a very devastating crusade against the enemies.
Ari: For a really long time, then. His name sounds like Abdomen.
Pan: Think he has a six pack?
Ari: In the land of Sue, he probably has a quadruple-dozen pack.
Abbadon was accompanied by three of our most feared fairies
Pan: Fearful fairies of doom and darkness, attack!
during this crusade…and …as most of you know… he was defeated by those kids,
Pan: Curse you meddling kids!
Ari: I’d so rather be watching Scooby Doo right now. D:
Maya and Joey and an army of teenagers.
Ari: This also sounds familiar
Pan: Moronicus storius dieus!
The three leaders of the Titans, Orphilios, Remmilos and Marcarios
Ari: AKA, useless characters ten, eleven, and twelve.
Pan: All the characters still seem pretty useless so far. Has anything happened yet?
Ari: We’ve gone through a lot of diet coke.
jumped up and hit their fists so hard on the oval table that it splintered
Ari: They need to get a desk like mine. No matter how many times I smack my forehead against it, it doesn’t break. However, this book may change that.
Pan: It looks like it’s ready to splinter…let’s get this done. For the good of the desk!
as they yelled, “How could that be? How is this possible?”
Ari: Why are you asking? Such annoying questions?
“Calm down my friends, calm down!”
Pan: Now they’re all friends. Even with the fairies?
Ari: Might be more than friends.
Abbadon
Pan: stares at stomach Abdomen.
tried to do his best to destroy the enemy as did Gertrude, Lorris and Ceara
Ari: I really want to pronounce that “Ciara” even though I’m pretty sure that’s not right.
Pan: This – book – is – automatic, supersonic…hip…naughty…funky fresh!
Ari: Time for another drink. Coke count – 3.
also tried to eliminate the troops of the enemy with their wall of fire, waves of fire, walls of total darkness and with the glowing heat cushion
Ari: Glowing Heat Cushion ©. Guaranteed to give you the most restless sleep you’ve ever had.
of burning snowflakes!
Pan: I’ve heard of oxymorons…this is it without the oxy.
Ari: Prepare yourself. I think we’re about to embark on a dangerous path with this book. drinks
Pan: Full of burning snowflakes?
Nothing worked… and our commanders left in terror, totally discouraged, wondering what happened to their powers.
Ari: What powers? Inconsistency, people. There’s a lot of it in this book.
Pan: I love how this king dude speaks. It reminds me of a fifth grader.
So…I was thinking
Ari: Really now? I don’t think the author was.
Pan: More puppies are dying! Stop the bloodshed!
… and …I went to my study chamber and looked into some of my very old books but I could not find the answer.
Ari: Google it.
Then the spirits
Pan: That are also ravens, mind you. That sit in chairs.
came back from their ‘spy trip’ through the ‘Land of Maradonia’.
Ari: Why ‘do’ you keep ‘talking’ like this ‘all the time?’ Quotation rape.
Pan: I think the whole English language is being raped by this piece of crap.
Ari: ‘Hopefully there’ won’t ‘be’ any ‘Ancient Languages.’
From the outside of the City Hall of Selinka, their capitol, they had picked up the words ‘Pool of Blood’.
Ari: Which isn’t ominous at all.
Pan: Who picked up the words? The people or the ravens?
Ari: Words can’t be picked up, you idiot. drinks
When I heard this news, it triggered
Ari: A seizure? Please die.
some understanding in my mind that there is indeed a pool of blood.”
Pan: Which is now not capitalized. Inconsistency.
Ari: And in the same paragraph as well. When you think you’ve learned everything about bad writing, someone surprises you.
“A pool of blood!? What do you mean?” asked Abbadon.
Pan: Abdomen!
“What I mean is that in the triangle between the ‘Thordis River’, the ‘Canyon River’ and the ‘Cornerstone Massive’…
Ari: Massive what? Bad mental imagery there. I’m a pervert.
Pan: These are making Paolini’s fantasy names look really…good. Something is seriously wrong here.
Ari: drinks That’s because he stole them from Tolkien.
Pan: Gloria Tesch should have done the same. What crap author did this kid steal from?
Ari: I don’t want to know.
somewhere at the foothills in the mountains is a hidden pool or shall I say, a lake and… I remembered…
Ari: That you’re stuck in what is officially the worst fantasy story ever? I wish I could make myself forget.
that ‘Ruach, the King of Light’
Ari: So if I say ‘Maradonia, a crappy book’ ,does it look better?
Pan: Nah, still looks stupid.
Ari: And look, the token king of Goodness and Light ©. I was waiting for him to crop up.
once got angry with us and threw the mountain,
Pan: He threw a mountain? In the Underworld?
Ari: I don’t know what to say. drinks I need to be way more drunk for this crap. Screw the diet coke, we’re going for the straight vodka.
including our castle,
Ari: AND A CASTLE?
Pan: If this guy’s so powerful, why did he need the help of two bratty kids and the DA?
and some of our powers into that lake. Maybe you remember ‘The fall of the Mountain Gamma’!
Pan: I’m going to try and figure out how powers are thrown into a lake.
Ari: Don’t. Your brain will explode.
The water of this lake turned into blood!”
Ari: Again, this sounds really familiar. Being Christian, that somehow annoys me. I don’t like Biblical stuff being stolen for crap books. shrug I need something else to drink.
Pan: Perhaps the author’s firstborn will die.
Ari: She’s fourteen – er, fifteen. Almost. P
Pan: But think – she just raped the whole language in a few pages. There has to be some illegitimate children there.
What does that old story have to do with us today?” Plouton asked.
Ari: Nothing at all. The author just wanted to up her word count.
“Let me finish my son, I will answer this question and what I try to explain, will help all of us answer many questions.
Pan: Grammar fail.
Ari: He wants to finish his son. Who did he eat first?
Pan: Bet you Abdomen tastes like…whatever belly would taste like.
The ruler of the ‘Land of Maradonia’, King Astrodoulos,
Ari: I swear the King was named someone else. It sounded like a choking sound. Rape? Ricah? Ruach? I think that was it.
Pan: Could be two kings….
Ari: Or perhaps the King of Maradonia isn’t the same as the King of Light and Sparkly Rainbows. ©
sent a small group of his troops, commanded by these teenagers
Ari: For once, Paolini’s done a better job. At least his young, uncouth rebels had, like, swords and dragons and magic and stuff. These guys have teenagers.
Pan: Dumbledore’s Army had magic!
Ari: headdesk
and led by General Genarius, to this lake… because anyone… including the horses… who dives into the floods of this lake is ‘untouchable’ by our powers.”
Pan: snerk General Geranium!
Ari: Ah, the Deux Ex Machina © plot helper. This time it’s a lake.
Pan: Of blood!
Uranimos, one of the rulers of the air got up from his seat and yelled, “I remember that disaster!”
Ari: Is this girl serious? She named a guy Uranimos?
Pan: drinks Your anu-
Ari: Shut up.
Apollyon got angry
Ari: Ah, I remember when I used to write like this. When I was nine. It brings back such…well, just really bad memories, actually.
Pan: He got an angry what?
and said, “When that mountain… with our former castle on top… was thrown into that lake… several of our powers, which were hidden in that castle, mingled with the water of that lake and created a special red substance, a liquid which makes everybody who dives into that lake…. untouchable from our powers.
Ari: That red substance which is blood?
Pan: I think this king guy is really stupid. He takes so long to say everything.
“That is very depressing news!”
Ari: This is a very depressing book! Makes me seriously doubt the future of America.
Plouton, the younger brother of Abbadon and one of the high ranked rulers said. “But it seems that we have to live with the fact that we cannot touch
Pan: Na, na na na, CAN’T TOUCH THIS!
Ari: So they were molesting people?
several of these people with our own powers any longer!”
Ari: What do you know? I was right.
Pan: Incredible.
Remmilos, one of the leaders of the Titans started screaming, “This is unbelievable! How is it possible that our leadership ignored such important facts for such a long time? Maybe…we need a change in the leadership of our ‘Empire’!
Pan: So it is a republic. Or something.
Ari: Inconsistency. I feel like we should be counting it.
Pan: It would be at a million already. Don’t even bother.
King Apollyon was enraged, closed his eyes and laid his hands slowly, flat on the oval table.
Ari: drinks Grammar fail. This is so sad.
when he opened his eyes again he turned his hands around and two glowing fire balls appeared, hovering over the palms of his hands.
Ari: That sentence is grammatically incorrect in so many ways. How old is this kid again?P
Pan: She’s almost fifteen. Her birthday is this month.
Ari: Crap, is this what teen writing is coming to these days? The end is frickin’ nigh!
A sudden and a bitter fear of death covered the hall like fog and this fear became visible in the faces of all attendees.
Pan: It also appears on the faces of all who read this book. They’re afraid that the Underworld will be as grammatically incorrect as this book thinks it is.
Two of the dwarfs marched straight over to Remmilos and one of them said, “You have no right to criticize the leadership of our ‘Empire’ and our anointed King Apollyon.”
Ari: I thought he was elected. Pan: Government count: 6
Remmilos shivered with fear and answered, “But King Apollyon encouraged all of us at this table to speak freely and openly and I thought that we have the opportunity to exchange new ideas!”
Pan: Democracy does not exist in fantasy novels. Amateur.
Ari: Fool. Crap, how much longer is this thing?
Pan: A few more paragraphs.
Ari: Nooooooo.
The dwarfs stepped rapidly back when they saw that the king rose from his seat.
Ari: Isn’t the plural of dwarf “dwarves?”
Pan: I really don’t know. You always steer clear of the token fantasy races in your writing, don’t you?
Ari: And with good reason. Also, tense usage fail.
Apollyon looked at Remmilos without pity when the two fire balls floated in mid air.
Ari: I have this urge to read Eragon. It seems so much better compared to this. Which is probably the saddest thing I’ve ever said.
Then the king nodded and the fire balls melted into one single unit, still hovering over the oval table.
Ari: Because fire, you know, usually melts. It doesn’t burn up or anything.
Pan: Let us drink!
Ari: Being drunk was a much preferred option a long time ago.
When King Apollyon folded his hands and nodded again, the fire ball hit the heart of Remmilos,
Pan: Which is completely different from Remmmmmiloniliosie’s heart.
one of the three leaders of the Titans and consumed his body completely.
Ari: Stop introducing everyone! We really don’t care.
Pan: I never knew Titans were so combustible. Not like they were, you know, gods or supreme beings or anything like that.
Ari: So now Greek mythology is being raped?
Pan: It was raped a couple of pages before.
One of the dwarfs filled the ashes, the remnant of the Titan, into a bucket and disappeared with all the other dwarfs in mid air.
Pan: Not like you’d need an explanation or anything.
Ari: I wonder where they went.
Pan: To Alagaesia. That mead they gave Saphira? Had a little something extra in it.
Ari: Lovely.
Orphilios and Marcarios were outraged. The remaining two leaders of the Titans looked at each other with indescribable hate, which was building up within them against King Apollyon but both of them remained silent.
Ari: Overused cliche number forty-six: indescribable insert emotion/sensation here.
Pan: It might be better. She’d probably just hack up the English language if she tried to describe the looks on their faces.
Everyone was exceedingly horrified and held their breath when King Apollyon continued with his speech, so as if nothing had happened.
Pan: Poor commas.
Ari: It annoys me so, when they speak, like this.
“We will track these kids down and maybe there is a way to eliminate them once and for all,
Pan: Once and for all. Fool.
Ari: I can’t get past the fact that the king speaks like an elementary school kid.
even if they are invincible or untouchable for our powers.
Ari: Because nothing can defeat The Evil Empire ©
I could not locate the ‘Pool of Blood’
Ari: Didn’t you say your mountain and castle were in it? How hard is it to find something with a mountain sticking out of it?
but I received the answer from our seven flying spirits, which was a conclusion for me and the reason why I made the ravens my special guests of honor today.”
Pan: So a little bird told him.
Ari: Seven of them. Because it always has to be seven. Man, I’m so sick of the random quotations.
Arabella swallowed and repeated, “Lake of blood? And Maya and Joey are…?”
Ari: Well, she popped out of nowhere. I still like the name.
Pan: Not the Bella!
Electric shockwaves, ponderous thunder, blinding lightning’s
Ari: The thunder was…cumbersome? Clumsy?
Pan: I’m more interested in what the lightning possesses.
inflated and filled the hall. The dwarfs materialized again out of nowhere
Ari: And in Alagaesia people are really freaking out as dwarves randomly go MIA.
Pan: Mebbe this is where that Hrothgar dude went when he died. The afterlife, where he was to serve in an even worse fantasy book.
when the ruler of the underworld, King Apollyon, continued with his speech in a boisterous voice
Ari: King + boisterous? That doesn’t seem right. And stop introducing him! We know who he is.
Pan: Killing that Titan dude perked him up.
and said, “Let me tell you a secret…”
Ari: LUKE I AM YOUR FATHERRRRR
Pan: I’M REALLY VOLDEMORT.
Ari: I’M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH A FAIRY.
To steal from Falconempress, this book makes me want to do this:
Thanks for reading. Hope you didn’t stab your eyes out.
By Sing
on Apr 4, 01:23 AM