Nate Winchester watches Twilight
The Twilight phenomenon is one that has passed me by, as my requirement for books is the same as movies: a minimum of 2 explosions, 3 weapon fights, and 1 hottie (decapitation may be substituted for any of the previous). But it is a cultural phenomenon nonetheless and while the Twilight movie wasn’t directed by Michael Bay (the greatest living director of our time) when Rifftrax announced they would be providing commentary on the movie I decided that at last I could experience the latest brick on the foundation of Western culture. Note that I haven’t read the original so most of this commentary will be just what I’ve gleaned from cultural osmosis.
The first issue is one that frequently plagues Hollywood: everyone is too beautiful. Bella is supposed to be cute, maybe even homely but in a very ordinary way. It is her scent and mojo that attract the god-like Edward. However, she is played by the quite attractive Kristen Stewart and is surrounded by “ordinary” people far more lovely than the average. The Cullens are said to be unearthly gorgeous but how can the audience tell without a contrast? Why is Bella so preferred (by everyone, not just Edward) over her outgoing, bubbly, buxom friend? As Mike points out, in any normal high school, Bella would be getting Jessica’s table scraps, not the other way around.
But what about the vampires? [Digression Warning!] The problem every fiction story dealing with vampires has had to face is why aren’t the vampires in charge? In I Am Legend the vampires are and the sole remaining human becomes their “boogeyman”, the monster that kills them during the day. In the Buffyverse, vampires are so self-absorbed and petty, that they can’t cohere enough to threaten the status quo. Indeed, some of the worst threats are vampires strong and charismatic enough that they unite a sizeable force of invincible blood-suckers. Supernatural has the vampire as an endangered species, hunted to near extinction by trained humans (now there’s an idea: a story in which an EPA bureaucrat tries to get vampires onto the endangered species list. Write it up and turn it in on Monday). In Twilight the vampires can only be killed by dismemberment and fire. Something which their demonstrated speed and strength make nearly impossible, so why aren’t they running the world? Edward mentions that everything about him functions as “lure” for humans. Why then hasn’t a vampire ascended to office in every country carried there by a fawning press and jubilant crowds? (idea for a movie: Obama is really a vampire – the cuddly kind – plot to be worked out later) What military or force could hope to stand up to a vampiric squad?
In fact, this isn’t a movie about vampires, but kryptonians. The entire story is little more than a fan fic answering the query: How does Superman love Lois? The desire for a normal life, the secret identity aspect, the enhanced powers all strive to make this movie little more than Smallville: the Motion Picture. And like Smallville, the movie has many intriguing premises in orbit of a boring, pedantic plot. For instance, Carlisle Cullen’s a vampire whose day job is doctoring. In a hospital. A place known for having many bodily fluids, one of which is blood. That’s not a bit player, that’s the premise for a hit TV show (just imagine if Gray’s Anatomy had vampires), yet he keeps getting shoved into the background, making us wish we could be watching him instead of the two principles.
However, this story is supposed to be a romance so perhaps I should be judging by romantic standards. Since there is no montage with the two of them (including a scene where Edward wins Bella a giant teddy bear at the fair) I gave the movie an F on romance as well. Much has been made about how stalkerish Edward is, but Bella comes off equally predatory. But the biggest shock is how conflicting the movie’s messages are. Edward comes to Bella’s father to formerly request the right to date her, after he has spent some time in her room. Warning to all guys: even if you’re doing nothing but talking, being in a girl’s room is inviting a death sentence from her father. At the end of the movie, the battle Bella endured is covered up with the excuse that she “fell down some stairs and out a window”. A cover story used so often by abusers that I laughed when it did not invite more scrutiny. True, Edward didn’t really abuse her, but that the family or community wasn’t suspicious of it makes one wonder if they are passive aggressively expressing their dislike of Bella. Again, another interesting premise is lost, where Bella tries to convince others that she is not, in fact, being abused despite their convictions (where they are correct that something is wrong, but incorrect about what it is).
So while this movie and book series may not be the affront to God and humanity that Kidz Bop or D:LT are, it nonetheless remains a sad, sobering lesson on wasted potential. Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got to get back to work on my fanfic where Sam & Dean hunt the Cullens right when Edward has fallen in love with Izzie while interning for Dr House. I’m right at the part where Batman arrives with John Conner…
By OverlordDan
on May 23, 08:23 AM